Esrever Doom

by Piers Anthony

  It did not look like much of anything, let alone a musical instrument.

  “Anybody here know how to play a guitar?” Ivan inquired, holding it forth.

  Yukay stepped up and took it. She put her left hand up where the string lay close to the wood, and pressed on it to adjust the tone. Her right hand plucked the string.

  Loud, lovely music burst forth. “Stop!” the guard cried, putting his hands to his ears. “I can’t stand it!”

  “Then get the bleep out of our way,” Naomi said. “We’re coming in.”

  Just like that they were inside the castle.

  Yukay handed the guitar back to Ivan. “Thank you.”

  “I had no idea you could play like that,” he said.

  “I can’t. It’s a one-shot thing.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “My talent is to do anything effortlessly as long as I never tried it before and don’t think about it.”

  He shook his head. “It’s some talent.”

  “Thank you. But I can’t rely on it. I need to find a better way to manage my life, because I can’t depend on my talent to lead me to fame and fortune.”

  “Well, hello!”

  They looked. It was a dark and lovely princess. Kody could tell by her crown, and the fact that she looked just like Princess Dawn, apart from the hair and eyes. “Princess Eve, we presume,” he said.

  “Indeed. Who are you folk, and what brings you here to Hades?”

  They hastily introduced themselves. “We were looking for a distant place to compare notes, for our Quest, and did not realize it was Hades,” Kody said. “Then we had difficulty getting out of it, so hope you will help us.”

  “I will,” Eve agreed. “But first I want to learn all about your Quest.”

  Soon they were seated in a very nice family room quite unlike the bleakness outside the castle, sampling refreshments. “So now Zosi is seeking a way to restore the zombie population of Xanth, and I am trying to zero in on the location of the source of the Curse. I realize that does not affect you here in Hades, but in Xanth proper it’s quite a nuisance.”

  “Very little affects me here in Hades,” Eve said. “My husband treats me well, and I have a fine son. But I must confess that I miss the excitement of Xanth life, even if it does mean watching out for dragons.”

  “But you have such a wonderful castle here,” Yukay said.

  “And one in Xanth,” Eve agreed. “But I envy my sister Dawn.”

  “Envy her?” Yukay said. “But you’re the Mistress of Hades.”

  “True. I married a Dwarf Demon for status, and got it. Dawn married a walking skeleton for love. She got the better deal.”

  “Surely you can visit her when you choose.”

  “Surely I can, and do. It only reminds me of the difference in our situations. Gone are the days when we were innocent girls teasing stray men.” She smiled reminiscently. “She would flash her top, and I my bottom. Sometimes we reversed it. That really confused them.” The upper section of her royal gown turned momentarily translucent, showing the shrouded outline of her breasts. Then the lower section, showing the outline of dark panties. Neither Ivan nor Kody quite freaked out, but both got a fair jolt. “But of course I don’t do that anymore.”

  “Of course,” Kody agreed faintly, knowing that she had deliberately pulled her punches.

  “I must show off my son Plato,” Eve continued. “He is three years old now, and his magic talent is manifesting. That’s a problem.”

  “A problem?” Yukay asked.

  “His talent is reanimating the dead. He constantly seeks dead things to bring back to life, but he is too young to do it right, and they can be pretty messy.”

  Kody got an idea, but held it back for the moment. “Yes, we must meet Plato.”

  Eve snapped her fingers, making a little spark. Soon a dusky demon maid brought a little boy. He had dark hair, like his mother, and a piercing gaze. “Say hello to our guests, Plato,” Eve said.

  “Aw, do I have to?”

  Now it was her eyes that emitted the sparks. “Yes.”

  The child quickly fell in line. “Hello, Guests. Got any dead things?”

  “Not at the moment,” Kody said. “But maybe we can find some.”

  “Not in the house!” Eve said.

  Kody realized there was a problem. Eve was in certain respects a normal housewife; she did not want stinking things in the house. Especially not-living ones. But the boy would need to practice properly to develop his talent.

  Kody followed up on his idea. He realized that their seemingly coincidental arrival in Hades was nothing of the sort. They had solid reason to be here. “Plato, what do you animate?” he asked.

  “Bugs,” the boy replied. “Once a dead mouse I found.”

  “It was awful,” Eve said. “The thing was old and rotten. When it started running around the kitchen floor I swept it up and dumped it in the garbage.”

  “It was a zombie mouse,” Kody said.

  “Yes. Sickening.”

  Zosi sat up straight. She opened her mouth.

  “Could you take him outside, where animated dead mice would do no harm?” Kody asked Eve, preempting anything Zosi might say.

  “Outside the castle is Hades. Everything is dead and active. Nothing for him to animate.”

  “I understand you have a castle in Xanth. You could have a maidservant take him outside.”

  “The last one freaked out so badly she refused to work there anymore. The same with the manservants.” Eve smiled ruefully. “They say it’s not the same as panty-freaks.”

  “Not at all the same,” Ivan agreed.

  Kody followed up on his notion. “But if you found a person in Xanth who did not freak at the notion, she could take Plato out for invaluable practice developing his talent.”

  “Oh, my, yes!” Eve agreed. “But who is there?”

  “A zombie might do it.”

  “Absolutely not! I will not have a zombie tracking rot into my house. Anyway, Xanth is getting dangerously short of zombies. They would not be able to spare any.”

  “In the rush of introductions you may have missed something,” Kody said. “Zosi is a zombie.”

  “No, she’s a living woman. I can tell, because she’s immune to my talent.”

  “She is a zombie, reanimated so she can try to solve the problem of diminishing zombies. Princess Eve, I believe your son could be the next Zombie Master.”

  Eve paused, assembling this in her mind. “Oh, my! I believe you are right. I think I didn’t want to see it before. I mean, zombies?”

  “It is surely a worthy talent,” Kody said. “And severely needed in Xanth now. There will be an honored place for Plato, as there was for the former Zombie Master. All he needs is to grow up and perfect his talent. Zosi could even take him to visit Castle Zombie, where they would surely welcome him.”

  “You are right again, of course,” Eve agreed. She looked at Zosi. “You would be willing to do this?”

  Zosi’s mouth worked unsuccessfully on several words before she got some that functioned. “I—I will return to being a full zombie when my Quest is done. The thought of remaining alive for an extended period appalls me.”

  “We could arrange for a very good life for you,” Eve said persuasively. “As the nanny, no the governess, of a Demon prince you would have phenomenal authority and respect. No one would question you, and you would be welcome at any royal castle.”

  “I know,” Zosi said. “But continued life would be torture for me. I just—just can’t—”

  “How about a trial run?” Kody said. “You could take the boy out in Xanth for a few hours, and we’ll go with you. See how you feel about it then.”

  Zosi shook her head. “I don’t think—”

  “That such a trial will hurt,” Yukay concluded for her. Yukay was smart enough to catch on to the issues at play. Zosi needed to be persuaded.

  “Oh, that would be so nice!” Eve said. “I have an important
social presentation this afternoon I must attend. It would be ideal if you took Plato today.”

  “Yes,” Zosi said, looking woeful. It was obvious that she feared getting committed to something she did not want to commit to. Kody understood perfectly, but had to try to forge a compromise.

  “I didn’t mean for you to trust your son to us right now,” Kody said. “You hardly know any of us.”

  Eve looked at him. “You’re not from Xanth.”

  “No, I’m a dreamer from Mundania.”

  “Folk can generally be trusted in Xanth. I know it’s different in Mundania.”

  “Yes,” Kody agreed, privately amazed.

  “Besides which, I heard from my sister Dawn during an interstice. She says you’re all right.”

  Kody spread his hands. Dawn did know.

  It was not long before they were back on the path, this time with a pass for the ferry across the river. Plato ran gleefully ahead, yelling “Booo!” at the apparitions. When he teased a horrific monster with a single finger, Zosi stepped in, cautioning him about manners. He frowned, but obeyed.

  There were no splits in the path. Soon they reached the river. “Hey, Funnyman!” Plato called. “Get your fat barge over here!”

  Zosi intervened, horrified. “You mean Ferryman. And it’s not a barge, it’s a raft.”

  “Yeah, sure,” the boy agreed reluctantly.

  The raft hove into view, poled by the dread Ferryman, the Dwarf Demon Charon. They let Zosi handle it, as she was the one who would be doing this in future, if she decided to.

  “Sir, we need to cross to Xanth,” Zosi said politely. “The boy and I.”

  Charon eyed her with open lechery. “And what payment do you proffer, intriguing maiden?”

  “I’m a zombie.”

  He looked at her more closely. “Why so you are, at least in spirit. I will have to double my price.”

  “What is your price?”

  “One solid day and night passionate naked stork summoning.”

  “One clothed feel,” she bargained.

  “One day storking.”

  “One feel and one kiss.”

  “Done.” He had evidently concluded that she was not going to yield more.

  Zosi stepped up to the raft. She had plainly gained the terms she had aimed for. Charon embraced her and kissed her, also squeezing her bottom through her skirt.

  “Yuck!” Plato said loudly.

  “Stuff it, brat,” Charon said.

  “I’ll stuff it up your—”

  “Plato!” Zosi said.

  “Nose,” the boy finished under his breath. It was clear that he was willful but not stupid.

  “Now we’ll all cross,” Zosi said.

  “Nuh-uh. You bought passage only for you and the brat. They’ll have to make their own payments.”

  “They have a pass.”

  “What pass?”

  Kody showed the pass.

  “Oh, bleep!” the Ferryman muttered.

  They boarded the raft, and Charon started poling it across. “That pass covered the whole party, including you,” Kody said to Zosi. “Why didn’t you mention it before?”

  “I’ve never been kissed by a Demon. Or felt. Zombies seldom get that kind of attention. I was curious.”

  “You minx! How was it?”

  “I’ve had better.” Half a smile hovered at the fringe of her mouth. “Not long ago.”

  She was learning, or remembering, how to be a girl. But would that mean she would decide to remain alive to mentor Plato?

  They reached the other side of the river. “We shall be returning,” Zosi told Charon.

  “That pass is good for only one crossing,” he said, eying Naomi.

  “It’s a season pass,” Kody said.

  “I don’t honor those.”

  “I’ll tell Mom,” Plato said. “She’ll tell Dad.”

  “But it will do for this time,” Charon agreed.

  “I’m hungry,” Plato announced.

  “Would you like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” Zosi asked.

  “No! I want tsoda pop.”

  Zosi conjured a sandwich. “Try it.”

  “No!”

  “Try it, or I’ll kiss you. You know I can do it, because I just kissed Charon.”

  The boy opened his mouth angrily. The woman pursed her lips.

  After a tense pause, Plato backed down. He took the sandwich and bit into it. “Hey! It tastes a little rotten. I like it.”

  They were getting along.

  The path continued, leading away from the river. Soon it emerged from the gloom. There was Xanth in all its colors, complete, as it turned out, with a nest of puns.

  Plato picked up a bell and shook it, but no sound came out. “Dumb bell,” he said, dropping it.

  “That is the point,” Yukay said. “It doesn’t make a sound when rung.”

  “I wonder where we are?” Ivan said, looking around.

  “You are emerging from the path to Hades,” a small snake in the grass said. “It doesn’t matter where in Xanth it is, because folk can go to Hades from anywhere.”

  “A talking snake!” Ivan said.

  “Well, duh, you ignorant man,” the snake said. “I’m not just any snake. I’m an asp. A smart asp.”

  A roil of smoke formed. “A smart what?”

  “Cobra, viper, poison, serpent, reptile—” the snake said.

  “Donkey?”

  “Whatever,” the asp said crossly.

  “You silly asp!”

  “Not half as silly as a demoness with a speech impediment,” the snake said smugly.

  “Metria, you got it backwards again,” Kody said, smiling.

  The demoness formed, wearing two long straps and nothing else. “It’s a time of reversals.”

  “Cover up!” Yukay snapped. “There’s a child present.” Fortunately Zosi had already covered the little boy’s eyes with her hands.

  “Ooops! I’m wearing my gownless evening straps. Must’ve grabbed the wrong hanger.” The straps fuzzed, and formed into a strapless evening gown.

  “Aw, it’s only a demoness,” Plato complained as Zosi released his gaze.

  Metria fuzzed again. In her place stood a cute little girl. “Woe Betide at your service,” she said.

  “A girl,” Plato said witheringly.

  “I know where there’s dead things,” Woe said.

  Suddenly she had the boy’s attention. “Where?”

  “Here.” She pointed to the ground between them. There lay a bloated dead frog.

  “Great!” Plato picked up the frog, held it half a moment, then set it down. It gave a resonant croak and hopped clumsily away. It had become a zombie frog.

  The adults exchanged glances. For once the demoness was helping.

  “Regular practice like this, and he’ll soon be competent,” Yukay said.

  “But it was a clumsy frog,” Naomi said. “He’ll need time to get it right.”

  “And a frog is far from a human being,” Ivan said.

  “And Xanth needs responsible zombies, not flesh-eating monsters,” Kody said. “It will take years.”

  “Squawk,” Zap agreed.

  They looked at Zosi. “I just don’t know,” she said. “I just don’t think I could stand staying alive that long.”

  “You can postpone your decision,” Kody suggested. “You have shown that it is feasible, because the boy minds you. But that doesn’t mean that you have to do it. Continue traveling with us while you think about it.”

  “Yes,” she breathed gratefully.

  “I think we’re done here,” Metria said, reappearing. “Woe Betide can have a play date another time. Now I must begone.” She produced a pair of mirrors and spun them around. Smoke issued from them, forming a cloud around her. When it dissipated, she was gone.

  “Squawk.”

  They looked at Zap. On her side were printed the words SMOKE & MIRRORS. It was another pun.

  Zosi fetched Plato, who was playing
with a small collection of zombie animals. “Time to go home,” she said.

  “Awww.” But he looked tired, and was ready to go. He probably needed a nap, after the effort of animating the corpses. “Can I do it again tomorrow?”

  “I’m not sure about tomorrow,” Zosi said. “But sometime.”

  “Okay. Pick me up.”

  Zosi picked him up.

  “Oh, almost forgot,” Kody said. “How do things look to you folk?”

  “You’re not as ugly as usual,” Yukay said.

  “Neither are you,” Kody said. The others agreed. “That means we are farther from the source of the Curse. We’ll have to try another direction, after we return Plato.”

  The boy had already fallen asleep in Zosi’s arms. “I must confess he’s cute,” she said. “And it is a nice talent.”

  “Does that mean—?” Yukay asked.

  “No.”

  But maybe she was mellowing.

  They started the trek back to Hades. They would have much to report to Princess Eve.

  8

  DRAGON

  Next morning, having had a good night as Princess Eve’s guests, they navigated the path, Naomi gave Charon a K&F (kiss and feel) for passage across the river, and emerged in Xanth. Zosi was silent, feeling guilty for not agreeing to stay alive to be Plato’s governess, but she had promised to think seriously about it. Kody suspected that what she lacked was some positive personal reason to counteract the chore of continued life, but he didn’t know what such a reason could be.

  Once they were clear of Hades, the chessboard worked again. They pondered the sixty-four little pictures, hoping to avoid the kind of mischief they had encountered before.

  Yukay recognized one picture. “That’s the Ever and Ever Glades,” she said.

  “The Everglades?” Kody asked.

  “In Xanth they go on forever and ever, if you get lost in them,” she explained. “Careless travelers can have a problem.”

  “We should not have a problem, as long as the board works, because we’ll simply jump to our next site.”

  “It should work, since they are in Xanth proper.”

  They clustered together, and Zap pecked the picture.

  Now they were on a broad, level plainlike swamp interspersed with islands of palm trees. Sure enough, it seemed to go on forever, whatever way they looked. It was hot; the sun beat down without interruption.