by Dana Burkey
“Detonators perform in an hour and you all need to be there,” TJ said once the video ended. Clearly, no one needed him to talk about the playback for us to know how bad we had done. “Also, we’re meeting for practice tonight at 7, don’t be late.”
With that, TJ walked away. Nicole and Tonya, who had both been standing near the back of the group of athletes watching our routine play, joined him. They were talking quickly and in hushed tones as they moved away from us down the hallway, but I had a feeling I knew what they were discussing. Had we done enough? Would Detonators hit to make the gym proud, or was the whole weekend a bust? They were the same questions I was asking myself as I hugged my teammates then began filing out of the building to find my dad. When I reached him, it took all my strength to not cry, but I kept it in knowing the more energy I could put into the performance tomorrow, the better. Now we just needed to all pray that what we did on the mat was enough for Nitro to see tomorrow at all.
“So what do you think will be worse,” Emma asked me as we left our room that evening. “Finals tomorrow or this practice?”
“This practice,” I replied without hesitation. “I don’t think we’re ready for this even a little bit. TJ is going to be on a whole other level”
By some miracle, Nitro did just enough to make it into finals. The news came only two hours before our scheduled practice time, which would have been canceled if we failed to qualify. Knowing how hard TJ was likely to go on us, I almost wished we hadn’t made it. Almost. The need to win Worlds and show everyone once and for all what Nitro could do still outweighed my growing dread as we headed to our practice field not far from where we were all staying at the Disney resort. We stopped on the way at Lexi’s room, since I knew I wanted to be there for her as extra support walking into practice. After her mistakes while performing, I knew she was feeling extra pressure for what was to come.
“I feel like I’m not going to make it through practice tonight,” Lexi said to me as we all finally arrived. “What if since I bobbled today TJ decides to replace me?”
I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again when I realized I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell Lexi there was no way she wouldn’t be replaced by Portia when I wasn’t sure of anything myself. Nitro had barely made it into finals, and from experience I knew TJ would do what was the best for the whole team, not just one person.
“Take a seat everyone,” TJ called out, thankfully getting me off the hook of answering Lexi.
“Get ready for the yelling,” I heard someone behind me say as I sat between Lexi and Emma. Glancing around I saw where Jackson was sitting with Connor and gave them both a half smile. It was all I could muster.
“Before we start practice, let’s talk about today,” TJ began. “What happened?”
“We sucked.”
“Our music didn’t start.”
“Nobody was performing.”
“We almost didn’t make finals,” I added to the voices chiming in around me.
“That’s all true,” our coach nodded in reply. “Now how did all of that make you feel?”
There was a long pause. No one seemed to know how to respond to that question. It had been strange enough for us to talk through our feelings when we were in the gym watching past routine videos a little over a week ago. But this was different. This was the evening after a bad performance. A bad performance that thankfully didn’t count us out for the season, but still had us in a rough spot. Times like these were usually ones where TJ would take to yelling, screaming, and drilling stunts. So, a question about our feelings seemed to throw all of us for a loop.
“It made me feel like our hard work all season was for nothing,” Connor finally began. “And it made me feel the same way I did when we lost at NCA. Like something we worked so hard for was slipping away in front of our eyes.”
“Yeah,” Anna added. “I was afraid to go on Instagram today to see what people were saying. We had today to prove second place last season wasn’t an accident, and it felt like we failed.”
“I was thinking about Nick,” Whitney finally said, her voice thick with emotion. “He’s stuck watching from home, and when we left I told him we were going to kill it for him this weekend. Only we didn’t. It was like NCA day two all over again, and I’m starting to get worried if we messed up so much today then we might do just as bad tomorrow. Or maybe do even worse.”
Once she was done speaking, Whitney’s words hung over us like a rain cloud. What she said really sunk in, and we were stuck trying to slog through the emotions they brought up in each of us. Then, as the seconds seemed to turn to minutes, someone else spoke up. Then someone else. Before I knew it everyone on the team was sharing, talking about how crushed they felt and how they let people down. But then, Jackson spoke up and the mood changed just as quickly as it had at Whitney's words.
“As much as today sucked, I know what we’re capable of,” he explained. “We can hit this routine tomorrow, just like we’ve done so many times in the gym before. I was worried we wouldn’t get the chance, but we did it. We made it to finals. Sure, hitting zero today would have been nice, but we didn’t really need to do that. All we really needed to do was make it through to tomorrow so we can hopefully show everyone what we’re really made of.” He paused, as if to consider it for a minute. “Honestly, I’m kind of glad today went how it did. This means when we show up tomorrow, people aren’t going to be putting much hope in us. We go near the start of our division and everyone that follows us will have to know how hard we hit and that they need to fight extra hard to beat what we leave on the mat. Tomorrow we get all the joy of competing for the title, without any of the stress of trying to meet expectations.”
Glancing at TJ, I saw he had a big smile on his face. Clearly Jackson figured out what he wanted all of us to see. Nitro wasn’t done at Worlds, and now we were able to compete with the pressure off. Small coed, like all the divisions for the weekend, would run in reverse ranking order for finals. That meant if you were in first place, you would perform last. So for Nitro, we would be going early in the schedule and wouldn’t have quite as many eyes on us. Like Jackson said, it really was the best option. We still got to perform in finals, but without the added stress of being in a top spot and all the pressure and expectations that went with it.
“We need to push hard tomorrow,” TJ finally said. “There’s no denying that. But I’m confident we can do it if we set our minds to it. You all just need to do what you’re capable of, and take things one 8-count at a time.” He paused to glance at Nicole before continuing. “As for practice tonight, we’re going to do some full outs and work on what we need to. But more than anything heart is going to get you through our final run. You know you can do this, and so do I. Overworking is just going to get us frazzled for tomorrow. So no crazy screaming and drilling until we’re ready to break. Or at least not as much as you were all expecting. Let’s run stunts and pyramids once or twice and then move on to full outs from there.”
I was shocked, certain I had missed something. TJ wasn’t yelling at us, demanding perfection of us, and then making us run stunts until we were all but dead on our feet. I had a feeling Nicole was a factor in keeping him calm, but then again maybe he was just trying something new in general. Nitro was a team that rose to the occasion when TJ was hard on us, time and time again. But, as we stood up to get ready for practice, I hoped the change in pace would be a good idea to still motivate us enough to get our heads back on track for the weekend.
“Are you ready to kill it?” Jackson asked me as our stunt group got into place to run our elite stunts.
“Of course,” I said. Then, after thinking about it for a second, I moved closer to give Jackson a hug.
“What was that for?” he laughed after returning the embrace.
“I’m just really glad you’re here this year for Worlds,” I shrugged.
“I bet not having an injury is pretty nice too,” he noted.
“Well yeah,” I agr
eed slowly. “But mostly I’m glad I get to do it with you.”
Grabbing me around the waist, Jackson pulled me close and wrapped me in another hug. I held on a little longer than usual, wanting the moment to last. But, as TJ started clapping to get our attention, I knew we needed to get in place to run our stunt. Even if it wasn’t going to be a night of getting yelled at and running things a few dozen times, it was still important to hit everything. Hit everything and prove we could do so on the finals mat, or all the talking and emotional moments we just had as a team was for nothing.
“If you don’t hold still I’m going to end up poking you in the eye with this eyeliner.”
Knowing the threat from Whitney was real, I made sure to not move until she gave me the all clear. After all, she was helping me out a lot by doing my makeup. Sure, I could technically do it on my own, but it took a lot longer and never looked quite as good as when she was the one applying all the various products to my face.
Sunday morning had begun like most comp days. I went to breakfast with my dad since with all the time in the park and at practice I felt like I hadn’t seen him much. We spent a lot of the time talking about visiting my aunt in the summer, and basically did anything to avoid talking about cheerleading. It was in the back of my head the whole time, but I wanted to avoid thinking about it and getting too stressed until I absolutely had to. Thankfully my dad seemed to understand that without me even needing to ask.
From there, I headed back to my room only to see what felt like half the team there getting ready. There was a nervous energy in the room, and I could tell pretty quickly that being together was helping everyone stay a little more calm than in their own rooms, getting ready and basically overthinking the day. I slipped on my uniform and then was able to convince Whitney to do my makeup. The only problem was that Jackson sat next me the whole time, and chatting with him while my friend added product after product proved to be quite the distraction.
“Okay you’re all done other than lashes, glitter, and lips,” Whitney told me once she finally pulled the liner pen away from my eye for good. “Let’s wait on those a little bit longer while I help Nina with her heir.”
“Oh my goodness yes please!” Nina all but shouted. She was sitting on the floor in front of a mirror holding her fake hairpiece in her lap. “It’s driving me insane today. This humidity is killer.”
“Tell me about it,” Emma frowned, applying even more hairspray to her flyaway curls.
“Yeah, for real,” Connor agreed, as over the top as he could manage.
“Someone throw a shoe at him for me,” Emma replied, her hands busy.
“You know I had to,” Connor laughed. “Nick would have laughed if he was here.”
“That’s true,” Whitney nodded. “We’ll have to call him on the way to the arena.”
I wanted to comment that she had already called him before bed the night before, as well as first thing in the morning, but decided not to. She was missing him a lot, and he was missing being with the team in Florida. If I was in her shoes, I knew I would have been feeling the same way. Instead, I had Jackson next to me, although he was rather distracted looking at score sheets and schedules for the final day of competition at Worlds.
“Is that really a good idea?” I asked him, leaning in closer to look at his screen with him.
“Maybe,” he said, rather unconvinced. “I just have too much energy and nothing to use it on. You girls are lucky you have hair and makeup to fill your time before we compete. I just sit around and think things through over and over.”
“Well stop that,” I told him, giving his arm a playful shove. “Besides, if you wanted I’m sure Whitney could happily give you some fake lashes and highlighter.”
“Oh my gosh yes!” Whitney laughed, having heard my last comment.
“That’s a no,” Jackson said, quickly standing up and moving across the room to sit by Connor. “I’m starting to not feel safe in here anymore.”
“We’re almost done getting ready,” I heard either Jade or Lexi call through the closed bathroom door. “Then we can head to the arena.”
Even the thought of leaving to go compete made my stomach do a little flip. Not the same kind as when Jackson smiled at me, or even when I thought Jackson might kiss me. This was different. This was determination and worry all rolled into one. And, as we finally left our room and made it to the arena to head into warm ups the feeling was building more and more.
“Still no injuries, right Max?” TJ asked as soon as he saw me.
“Yes,” I assured him. “Although I feel like I might puke.”
“Nerves?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t usually get nervous so I think it’s maybe like anticipation.”
“Well, hang in there,” he said, pulling me in for a side hug. “I know you can do it, you just need to keep focused.”
I nodded, forcing myself to take a few deep breaths. Like he said, I just had to focus on what I needed to do. What I knew I could do. So, I did exactly that. When we finally went into warm ups I threw my tumbling, performed my skills, and made sure everything was done to the best of my ability. Sadly, around me, I couldn’t say the same for the other stunt groups on Nitro.
“Shake it off,” I heard TJ call out as yet another stunt dropped from the air.
Nothing was hitting consistently, and when it did legs were shaky, bases were taking steps all over the place to keep flyers up, and people just looked scared. It was like the team from yesterday in warm ups was long gone, replaced instead by the team that had a lackluster performance in front of the crowd and judges. But, with the minutes counting down until we would finally take the mat, we had no choice but to put our game faces on and get ready to go. As we all circled up to take the mat though, I noticed Emma looking pale despite her layers of makeup. She was supposed to talk to the team and motivate us, but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, honestly worried she was about to throw up.
“I can’t,” she said in practically a whisper so only a few of us could hear. “This is my last performance and I can’t.”
“You can,” I told her. Then, taking a breath I instantly realized what I had to say to Emma. I also needed to tell the whole team. So I did just that. “Yesterday we went out there and let all of this get the better of us. We showed nerves, maybe we were even a little too confident after warm ups. But today we can’t focus on anything but the people right here with us. This is our final performance of the season, and for some people the end of cheerleading as you know it. So make it count. Make every second show. Not just the work we put in this season, but all the work you’ve put in since you first joined a gym or first dreamed of doing cheer. Let that be the fire and fuel we need to prove just who we are and what we can do.”
“Well said Max,” TJ grinned after the cheers of agreement from my teammates died down. “You can do this, one 8-count at a time like we talked about. Now, one last time. Hands in.”
Reaching our hands to the center of the huddle we did a cheer, with a lot more emphasis than even I was expecting. “Heel, toe, dosey-doe, Nitro’s back to steel the show. 3-2-1 NITRO!”
While TJ headed through the nearby curtain to walk around and take his place at the front of the stage, I took a second to look around at the athletes standing near me. This was it. We had two and a half minutes to show the world what we were made of, and then it was over. If we fell, if we stumbled, then that was how we would be remembered for months until the next season of competition began. So, taking a deep breath, I did my best to shake off the nerves and get ready for my last chance at glory.
Despite having been on a lot of sports teams, something about cheerleading was different. When I joined the TNT Force Cheer gym it was all brand new. Maybe because it was a sport that combined not just talent but also physical appearance. In soccer, no one cared how weird I might look kicking a ball, as long as it made it in the ba
ck of the net and helped us win a game. But cheer was different. And it scared me.
Having joined the gym at the end of the summer for my first season, I only had a few months to get used to performing when we had our first chance to cheer in front of a crowd of strangers. I was terrified. I wasn’t able to eat anything all day thanks to how anxious I was feeling, and instead only downed blue Gatorade. It was a bad idea, since I threw most of it up in warm ups. Other girls on the team were also nervous like I was, so when we huddled together before going on stage Nicole gave us some great advice.
“Think of our routine as a checklist,” she suggested. “Take it one small step at a time, and check off each box. If we don’t check all the boxes of the different elements of the routine, then we make it our goal to check off more in our next performance than we do today.”
She had gone on to explain expectations we had for ourselves, and how they might be different from the expectations from her, our parents, or even the judges. But, what really stuck with me was the idea to actually check off each element of the routine. It got me through the first performance of my cheer career, and I knew it could help me as I finally ran on stage after Nitro was called by the announcer.
From the moment I left backstage I started tallying all the things I did. I set foot on the mat. Check. I did my usual handshakes and pre-performing moments with my friends. Check. Then, standing in place, I took a deep breath. Check. Emma got us all in position and when I heard TJ call out his usual “Let’s go!” I checked them off.
Our music started as it was supposed to this time, and when it did I mentally checked that box as well. Flipping my legs up and over while twisting in my standing full was the first of many more checks while I performed. Each tumbling pass, facial expression, and piece of choreography was leading up to the moment that proved to be the biggest box I needed to check. That moment came when I was lifted above my stunt team and kicked my right leg forward before pulling it behind my body in a needle. Getting into the position was nice, and of course counted for a check, but it was the spinning that was the real moment I needed to accomplish.