Ashes of Merciless

by Odette Michael

  The door to the armory opened, and Gage entered. His dark eyes focused on Ash, confused.

  “What do you want?” Ash hissed at him.

  “Ashley, who are you talking to?” he asked, closing the door behind him.

  A giggle escaped. “Ashley . . . She’s such a buzzkill.”

  He crouched down to her level and put a hand on her shoulder. His touch evaporated her, and I snapped back so quickly I felt dizzy. I moaned and put my head against my knee, the pain in my side flaring.

  “Ashley, what’s going on? Something’s wrong. Something’s been wrong for a long time now, and I’m tired of waiting for answers,” he whispered.

  I kept my head bowed. I was too dizzy to even care. “What makes you think that?” I mumbled.

  “Because I heard . . . some things outside the door. But it wasn’t like you. . . . I don’t know. And the way you accepted that Assignment so eagerly. There have been a lot of things.”

  I jerked my head up and shoved him away as I stood up.

  “Maybe if you’d quit stalking me, you wouldn’t know anything, now would you?”

  He rose to meet me, his black hair nearly obscuring his eyes. “I’m not stalking you. I’m your friend, and I’m worried about you.”

  I turned and went to a shelf, picking up a small metal sensor that no Assignment could be completed without. I tossed it on top of my open duffel bag.

  “I’m fine, ok? Don’t waste your precious worry on me,” I said.

  “Does the Evaluator know?”

  I whirled on him, the blood cold in my veins. “No, and you can’t tell him!” Too late I realized my mistake, and I covered my mouth with my hands.

  He closed in on me, backing me up against the wall. I froze, completely off guard and still dizzy.

  “Tell him what?” Gage spoke each word distinctively.

  I shook my head, exasperated. “If only you knew. If only you knew who I really was. You’d never speak to me again, and I couldn’t stand that!” I whispered.

  “That’s a lie, and you know it. I’ve cared about you for a long time. I—ˮ

  “Why?” I asked angrily.

  He brushed against me, and I shivered involuntarily. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

  “Because I know you hate this life just like I do. Because you’re strong, you’re beautiful, and you’re amazing. But you’re not alone. You never were, so why can’t you just stop being so freaking obstinate and accept it?”

  I pushed him away. I couldn’t let him be this close. I couldn’t think!

  “Please, Gage,” I pleaded.

  “Please what?”

  “Just leave me alone. Just go away!”

  He came near me again, his hand snaking out and grabbing the back of my neck.

  My eyes widened, shocked that he touched me so easily now. He never would have before, but I’d opened a certain door when I’d touched his hand, and something told me that door was never going to close again.

  “Not until you tell me what’s wrong,” he insisted with a stubbornness I was all too familiar with. “Have you noticed how all of our conversations have ended these past couple of years? It’s always you walking away from me. I’m tired of it.”

  The fire in my side flared, and suddenly, I felt weak. Drained. My head fell against his chest. My eyes burned with dryness, at the tears that didn’t exist.

  “I can’t. I just can’t,” I mumbled into his gray T-shirt.

  His arms went around me, and I couldn’t control my own limbs that responded in kind. I clutched him to me. It felt so strange, and at the same time, so comforting. Something was deepening between us, and I didn’t know if it was my fault or his. Maybe it was nobody’s fault, but in that moment, Gage was the only thing keeping me linked to the entire world. To sanity.

  One of his hands smoothed my hair. “It’s ok. You’re going to be ok,” he said near my ear.

  I pulled away from him. Actually, I shoved him away. I couldn’t afford to be with him like this even though I wanted to be. Gage was my only friend, and he had been my friend for a long time. But he didn’t belong to me, and I didn’t belong to him.

  We belonged to Merciless, and I was a slave to the predator inside my own mind.

  “You should go now,” I said softly as I turned to the wall of weapons. I fingered my favorite dagger, the one with the emerald in the hilt. Only now did I realize that the gem was the same color as his eyes, and I wondered if I’d always unconsciously known that and chosen it for that exact reason. The deepest recesses of my mind had wanted to carry a piece of Gage with me, to have his support on the Assignments.

  I unclasped it from the wall and pulled it out of its sheath. A closer look revealed a small bit of dried blood at the point. My mind swirled sickly at the color.

  How I wished the color red didn’t exist.

  Gage was silent as I gathered the things I thought I might need. I grabbed a smoke bomb and my earpiece that would link me to the Observer who would accompany me. Lock picking tools, automatic knife, metal wire.

  And the most important thing—I went to one of the wooden cabinets and opened a drawer. Inside were individually wrapped white capsules. Cyanide pills.

  The pills weren’t for the Assignments; they were for us. If one of us was caught, we weren’t allowed to even blink. Once captured, down goes the pill. The alternative, exposing Merciless due to torture, was much worse than suicide. The only two people I cared about were members, and they wouldn’t see the light of day if the government got their hands on them. No member would.

  Only one person in our history had gone by cyanide. It had been a Sealer set up for a false Sealing. The Sealings were done so cautiously, and the Observers were so careful in obtaining all the information, but in the end, Merciless was still made up of humans, and humans made mistakes.

  A cyanide pill was on our person all the time, but it never hurt to have an extra. I’d somehow lost mine on one of my first Assignments. If the Master had found out, the penalty would have been death for risk of exposure. Sometimes, he would randomly come to us during training or even go into the kitchen as we were eating to check us. All he had to do was say the word “cyanide”, and all of us would rummage around in our pockets and hold high our little capsules.

  I grabbed a pill and put it inside my duffel bag, looking at Gage as I zipped it up. His hand was at his jeans pocket, stroking the pill I knew it contained. Even Ruth had one, although I assumed if the police came knocking at our door, she would be too drunk to remember what to do.

  I shouldered the bag and faced Gage, not knowing what to say. His eyes were full of concern and pain. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t tell him the truth, why I couldn’t show him my flawed and scarred soul.

  “I guess I’ll be going now,” I finally said.

  He nodded, saying nothing.

  A small sound came from my throat as I began to move around him. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Maybe the loneliness of this life was proving to be too strong for me after all. Even fueled with Ash’s ruthlessness, I found my emotions straining with every passing moment. And ever since I’d allowed myself to touch Gage’s hand, the wall inside me had cracked.

  It was still cracking, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know if I could, or if I even wanted to.

  And I would miss Gage. It seemed like it was getting harder to part from him every time we saw one another.

  I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him I would be thinking about him, that he was always occupying a special space in my mind.

  Instead, I quietly said, “I’ll be back.”

  At first I thought he’d remain silent, but then his voice echoed softly in the stone room.

  “Ashley . . . don’t get killed.”

  I nodded before I ran from the room. I had to leave his presence, or the wall was going to break completely and leave me defenseless.

  Chapter 6 Not The Only One

  “You sure you don’t w
ant me to drive?” Shane asked as we rode along the interstate.

  I shook my head. “No, that’s ok. Driving helps keep me alert. Besides, we’re almost there anyway,” I said.

  “Just thought you might want to switch. It has been a long haul,” he said.

  Shane was a nice guy around thirty years old. He had bronze hair and wore glasses that framed big brown eyes. This was my third Assignment with him, and I liked him a lot better than I did most Observers.

  Ariel had never accompanied me, which I was grateful for. The smell of her perfume alone would have made the ride unbearable.

  “I’m too uptight to just sit in the passenger seat. Thanks, though,” I said, allowing him a small smile.

  He smiled back. “You seem chipper than usual.”

  My smile immediately vanished. “What do you mean?” I asked as I turned onto the next exit.

  He shrugged. “No offense, but you’re not exactly known for your sweetness.”

  I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “I’m an Assassin. I’m not supposed to be sweet,” I shot.

  “I said no offense.”

  “None taken,” I sighed. I knew I wasn’t the nicest person around.

  Shane tapped his fingers against his jeans in time with the quiet eighties music drifting through the car. I tried to relax against my seat, tried to forget that I was on my way to end yet another life.

  Ash was quiet, but I knew she was only conserving her savage energy. She would make her presence known all too soon. I scanned the scenery outside, looking for a distraction, but there was nothing unless you counted litter and restaurant signs.

  “So . . . what happened in the kitchen?” Shane asked casually.

  “What do you mean what happened? You were there.”

  “I know. Scott’s a douchebag, everyone knows that. I meant you and Gage. He was always the one and only person you’d actually talk to, but it seems like you two have gotten pretty close,” he said carefully.

  I snorted. “I’m not allowed to have a friend? Just because he has a dick and I’m a girl doesn’t mean he can’t be my friend,” I snapped.

  Shane pursed his lips together, looking a lot like he was trying not to smile. “Ashley, chill. I think Gage is good for you. You used to barely speak to me on Assignments, but you’ve talked the whole way down here. You’ve even smiled a time or two.”

  I shook my head. “There’s honestly nothing to smile about. I’m on my way to kill someone. Even if this guy deserves to die, it doesn’t mean it should be by my hand.”

  He became silent, and I wanted to smack myself for my stupidity. This wasn’t Gage in the car with me. I knew my words tasted strongly of treachery to the cause of Merciless. The Observers were technically above both the Sealers and the Assassins; he had every right to report me to the Master when we returned.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled quietly, reaching for my Stomach Steady in the cup holder. I took a large swig. “Just forget I said that.”

  Shane looked out the window. He didn’t say anything until I pulled the car into the parking lot of the motel he had picked out beforehand. I wanted to just go and get the deed done, but I knew Shane wouldn’t allow it after such a long drive.

  “Stay here. I’ll go check in,” he said. He closed the door and walked toward the entrance. I knew he would use a fake name along with a fake driver’s license that would match the credit card it was assigned to.

  When he returned, I parked closer to our room. He handed me the keycard, and I swiftly entered the room while he gathered our luggage.

  I studied the cramped space. The carpet was a green color that resembled vomit, and it was stained in various patches. Clicking on the lamp emitted a dull yellow light, and I sat on the one bed, immediately greeted by a smell similar to dirty socks.

  Shane entered the room, dropping our bags on the bed near my lap. He looked around, his nose wrinkled.

  “You’d think that with all the wealth Merciless has, we could at least stay in a suite,” he joked.

  I unzipped my bag and pulled out my pack of toiletries and the tank top and shorts I’d sleep in. Sleeping in crappy motel rooms seemed like a smart way to stay low-key to me. Everyone knew of Merciless, so who would suspect that the rich professionals stayed in nasty places like this?

  “I’ll take my shower first,” I told him as I went toward the bathroom.

  At least the bathroom looked clean. I sat my things on the tiny counter and studied the sink, breathing deeply. Finally, I raised my eyes to the mirror, something I usually avoided doing.

  I was always afraid the girl in the mirror wouldn’t be me. I worried I would see Ash staring back at me.

  I ran a finger along my pale skin before tracing the dark circles under my eyes. The circles seemed to get darker the older I became. I smoothed my black hair, studied the uneven cut I’d given myself a couple months ago. It was getting a little too long. I traced my bitten lips next, watching the silver eyes warily. I looked closely, trying to find the presence of another inside their shiny depths.

  All I saw was me.

  I turned the cold tap on and closed my eyes, splashing the icy water on my face. I cupped my hands and was about to repeat the process, but I opened my eyes and stared down in horror.

  My hands were not full of water. They were full of blood. Red liquid streamed out of the faucet, thick and smelling of iron. My eyes flew to the mirror. Blood dripped down my face and hair.

  Biting my lip to keep from screaming, I stumbled and fell back against the wall. I slid down, shaking my head over and over, my eyes squeezed tightly shut.

  “It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real,” I chanted. “Not real. Not real. Get ahold of yourself. It’s not real.”

  Ash’s voice drowned out my own. “Are you sure?”

  With a gasp, my eyes flew open. The tap was still going, clear city water filling up the sink. I looked down at my shaking hands.

  No blood.

  I stood up, using the wall for support. I looked out of the corner of my eye at the mirror. There was only a frightened girl staring back at me, her face leeched of all color.

  Relieved, I stepped into the hot shower and tried to relax. I sat down in the spray, my arms curled around my knees, and tried to forget why I was here and what I’d just seen.

  When the water ran cold, I got out and dressed. I exited the bathroom to find Shane sitting in one of the chairs next to the small desk, one of the pillows behind his back. His feet were propped up on the other chair, and I knew that was how he’d sleep.

  “You can have the bed,” I said, my energy draining as I strained to keep my voice casual. I began to dry my hair with a towel, my shaking fingers making the task difficult.

  He smirked. “No, thanks. Besides, what kind of man would I be if I took the bed? Chivalry is not completely dead.”

  “For your information, feminism killed chivalry years ago. And I seriously don’t want the bed. It stinks.”

  His smile widened. “Precisely.”

  I rolled my eyes. He was really getting the better bargain.

  “You save me any hot water?” he asked, making his way toward the bathroom.

  “Nope.”

  “Didn’t think so,” Shane said as he shut the door.

  Later we ordered a pizza and watched a sitcom without speaking. I numbly picked at my slice, taking off all the toppings slowly. I felt Shane watching me, and I took a few bites to appease him. Immediately, my nausea increased, and I alternated between sipping soda and Stomach Steady instead of trying to force down the pizza.

  Around eleven o’ clock, we settled in to sleep. I stared at the ceiling, my arms behind my head, and tried to ignore the moans and banging coming from the wall behind me.

  “Sounds like they’re having more fun than we are,” Shane said in the darkness of the room.

  I watched the blinking, red light on the smoke alarm above me. I swallowed hard at the color.

  “Goodnight, Ashley,” he mumble
d.

  “Shane, can I ask you something?” I said carefully.

  “Go for it.”

  “Do you love your wife?” My cheeks flushed with my rudeness. There was a long silence, and shame trickled into me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that,” I murmured.

  “It’s ok. It’s just, no one’s ever asked me that before. But yes, I love her very much. And our daughter. Our daughter is everything to me.”

  “And wasn’t it weird at first? I mean, not really knowing one another?”

  He sighed. “It was very difficult at first, especially for her. She didn’t understand why she’d been dragged into this life of secrets. She hated me in the beginning. She blamed me for it, and I blamed myself as well. And when we had to . . . immediately try to get pregnant, that was anything but romantic. But after our daughter was born, and after she finally accepted that we couldn’t escape Merciless, she tried to open up to me. She’s still trying, but at least now I know she does care for me.”

  “I’m sorry. I mean, I’m glad she came to care about you. I meant I was sorry for asking.”

  I heard him shift in the chairs. “I understand your curiosity. I wondered a lot about the arranged marriages when I was around your age, so don’t worry about it.”

  My hands curled into fists. “I just don’t think I could ever love anybody that I didn’t choose. I almost feel sorry for the Master and the Evaluator. How are they going to find someone compatible for a girl like me?”

  Shane chuckled. “You’re really not so bad once you get to know you a little bit. I won’t lie, you’re not made of sugar, but you have a lot of spirit. And I think you hide your real person from others; that’s not exactly uncommon in our group.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I curled onto my side, gasping softly at the pain from my cracked rib. I closed my eyes, hoping for the sleep that I knew wouldn’t come.

  It wasn’t long before Shane’s quiet voice echoed throughout the darkness, so quiet I was positive I wasn’t meant to hear.