Remember My Name

by Laurencia Hoffman

  “Baby, wake up.”

  More whimpers were accompanied by gasps and Cal’s attempts to wake him grew desperate, shaking him with more force before rolling him flat on his back.

  Shane’s eyes sprung open and Cal placed a hand on his heaving chest. “It’s alright, I’m here. I’m here.”

  His gaze traveled down the disheveled t-shirt, lingering on the part of his abdomen that had been revealed.

  “Shane, what-”

  “Get the fuck off me.”

  The dainty brunette rolled to the edge of the bed, feet pressing firmly to the floor.

  Blinking rapidly, he tried to erase what he’d just seen from his mind, but how could he? Jagged marks near his navel that looked as though they had been carved with a knife, flesh raised and ghostly white from the scarring.

  Mouth ajar, he waited for Shane to get to his feet before addressing it. “What the fuck did I just see?”

  “Something you shouldn’t have. I fucking told you not to look at me.”

  “You were having a nightmare, Shane. I was trying to help you, I didn’t mean to invade your privacy.” With Shane’s back still facing him, he swallowed hard. “You...did that to yourself?”

  “Yes,” he grumbled.

  “Does your family know about this?”

  “Some of them.” He turned to face Callan, jaw clenched. “I knew I could get away with it at my dad’s house, so that’s what I did during the summer. They usually healed by the time I went back to my mom’s.”

  “I don’t understand.” He scooted to the edge of the mattress, feet on the floor and hands on the waistband of Shane’s boxers. “The doctors, nurses, and your father, they...they saw what you did to yourself and they never tried to help you?”

  “No,” he answered with a scoff. “You don’t know how people look at me. Because I was self-destructive, they judged me and ignored my cries for help. People don’t want to deal with it. I cut myself, got into fights deliberately, and people don’t care about things they don’t understand.”

  “You wanted help and no one gave it to you?” His bottom lip trembled. “I would have. You know that, don’t you?”

  “I know.” Shane avoided his gaze but placed his slender fingers over Cal’s. “This was all over by the time I met you.”

  “I should have asked you back then. Maybe things would have turned out differently.”

  “They wouldn’t have. I was still too young for you, remember?”

  Heaving a sigh, he stood up, towering over Shane. “I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to understand you. And I can’t do that if you won’t let me in. What drove you to harm yourself like that?”

  “Being attracted to men wasn’t accepted in my family either. Not at the time, anyway.”

  Chewing his bottom lip anxiously, he chose his next words carefully. “Shane, did someone help you with those cuts?”

  He furrowed his brow, gaze still avoiding Cal’s. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “Because, well, this story I’m looking into, I’ve seen...some things. I’ve studied and done my research, and those scars – they’re at such an angle, I don’t think you could have done them on your own.”

  “I did them myself.”

  “Hey, you can tell me. Whoever it was, if it was a friend or something, I’m not looking to get them in trouble. I just want to know what happened.”

  “If you don’t fucking believe me then you can get out.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Yes, it is. You’re calling me a liar.”

  “Shane, that’s not-”

  “Get the fuck out of my face.”

  Stepping away from the bed, he whistled for Teddy to follow him out of the room and into the kitchen. Teddy obliged.

  Slipping on his shirt and jeans, Cal stood at the counter, waiting for Shane to acknowledge him. Instead, the raven-haired man tended to Teddy, filling his water bowl and giving him a scoop of kibble.

  Eyes brimming with tears, Cal approached him slowly. “Don’t do this. Please don’t push me away.”

  “Out.” He waved a hand in the air, gesturing toward the door.

  Knowing that it wouldn’t be wise to overstay his welcome, Callan gathered his things, even refraining from a kiss before exiting the apartment.

  Now that he had successfully alienated everyone in his life, Shane dined alone. He wished that Teddy could come along as his emotional support dog, but he was worried about being seen with anyone – human or animal – that he cared about.

  Looking over the menu at the restaurant, he tried to find something that sounded good. Nothing did. He didn’t want to eat. At this point, he was simply going through the motions.

  “Shane?”

  Placing the menu on the table, he looked up to see a middle-aged woman with long, dirty-blonde hair and dull blue eyes. “Uh-” He felt as though he’d been caught in some sort of trap, even though he’d done nothing wrong, and she had never made him feel uncomfortable. “Missus Talbot, it’s good to see you. I mean, not good, but-”

  “Relax, honey,” she said with a warm smile. “It’s good to see you too.”

  He gestured to the empty chair across his table. “Please, have a seat.”

  “I was on my way out, I just happened to see you and...well, I couldn’t pretend I didn’t. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you face to face.”

  If she wasn’t going to sit, Shane felt obligated to stand up. Showing her that small gesture of respect was the least he could do.

  Looking her in the eye seemed impossible, but if he didn’t, that would send the wrong message. He wanted her to know how much he liked her. And how much guilt he carried; not that it would make her feel any better or bring her son back. “I’m sorry. I always mean to call but I never know what to say.”

  “It’s okay.” She gave him a teary smile. “I still get your cards every year. I keep all of them.”

  He swallowed hard. “I think about him all the time.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. I don’t want him to be forgotten.” Head bowed, her voice broke as she uttered her next words. “Sometimes I can’t remember what he sounded like, you know? Just his voice, the jokes he used to tell, the way he would sing even though he could hardly carry a tune...”

  Shane pulled her into a tight embrace, though he knew that he was a poor substitute. “I wish it had been me.”

  With a small gasp, she pulled away. “Don’t say that, Shane. I don’t think Jake would have survived losing you.”

  I’ve barely survived losing him, he thought. But she didn’t want to hear that. “Are you doing anything for the anniversary this year?”

  “No, nothing big. I’m sure his father will drink himself into oblivion. I think I’ll spend the day with my mother, watching old home movies, looking at pictures.” She sniffled and wiped her cheeks. “Next year, I think I’ll do something significant.”

  He nodded, not wanting to assume that he’d be invited. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure that he could stomach being in attendance. “Take care of yourself, Missus Talbot.”

  “You too, Shane. You too.”

  Light footsteps retreated and he dared not look back at her, not wanting to risk tears of his own spilling onto his cheeks. As he sat down, hand pressed to the menu, he took in a shuddering breath. What little appetite he had was now dissipated.

  10

  Furrowing his brow as the phone vibrated in his pocket, he couldn’t imagine who would be texting him so early. Pulling it from his pocket, he looked at the screen to see that it was his boss.

  We’re closed today and possibly tomorrow.

  Depends on how bad my hangover is.

  Enjoy the day off.

  Fuck. He’d been counting on work for a distraction. It seemed like today was a bad day for several people, though he had to wonder what Peter’s reasons were.

  I can work the shop by myself tomorrow, Pete.

  Heaving a sigh, he leaned against the front door. The p
hone vibrated again.

  Thanks, kid. Have a good weekend.

  Shane pursed his lips. To respond or to leave it be? He didn’t want to be a total dick and ignore someone in pain, but, at the same time, he didn’t want to get involved. There was enough on his mind without throwing in more complications. The less people around him, the better.

  If he ignored them, they would eventually take the hint. If he acted like a normal, decent human being, and like he gave a shit, they would want to be around him.

  There was no way to win in this scenario.

  Knowing he might regret this later, he sent a response.

  Do you need some company?

  The address to Peter’s house followed.

  Licking his lips, his gaze fell to Teddy, who was fast asleep on his dog bed. He hated leaving him, but he was aging, and it might be best not to bring him. Besides, Teddy would be his excuse to leave when the social aspect got to be too much.

  It took forty minutes to reach Peter’s house. It always surprised him that the place was modest. For some reason, he’d imagined the ultimate bachelor pad. This looked like the kind of place to raise a family. Maybe that had been the original intention before his son had died.

  Shane knocked on the door and it opened almost instantly, as if Pete had been waiting there for him.

  “Come on in, kid. Grab a drink. There’s pizza too but it’s cold now.”

  Stepping inside, Peter closed the door behind him and Shane followed the unsteady man into the kitchen. It was tempting to go for the alcohol, but it wasn’t even noon yet. That made him wonder about the pizza; it must have been from last night. It wasn’t hard to believe that the days might be blurring together for Peter, considering the smell wafting from his pores.

  “Want anything?”

  “No, thanks.” Shane shook his head. “I just wanted to check on you, man.”

  “Oh, I’m fine. Never better!” He chuckled while taking a swig from what appeared to be an empty beer bottle. Pete didn’t seem to notice. “Wish I could say the same thing about my kid.”

  “Oh.” This was about his kid again. Not that he thought that kind of pain ever went away; just a few days ago, he had seen Missus Talbot and time had not been kind to her. The stress of losing her child had aged her prematurely. People coped in different ways, Missus Talbot internationalizing her stress in ways that made her age, and Peter drinking to dull his senses. “Is this because of what I said at the shop?”

  To him, it looked as though his boss’s benders came in phases, as though something had brought them on. While he didn’t know what else the man had going on in his personal life, Shane couldn’t help but feel responsible for sending him down the path of destruction this particular time.

  “No, no, no.” He waved his hand before setting the empty bottle on the counter. “This is just what I do. You’re not responsible for my actions.”

  Shane nodded slowly, gaze wandering over him. Though his words were slurred, he had no trouble deciphering them. “Just checking. I know that I can be a shit sometimes. Most of the time. People think I’m not aware of that, but I am.”

  “Fuck people. You do what you’ve got to do to survive, mmkay?”

  “You don’t have to be nice to me, Pete. I know I hurt your feelings. You should let me have it.”

  “Nice try.” He pointed to Shane’s chest. “You’ve got enough to worry about without me adding to your stress.”

  He shifted uncomfortably, wishing that Peter had never been privy to that information. Luckily, he didn’t have to dwell on it as he was being summoned into the living room. There were what appeared to be children’s drawings, cards that showed wear on the edges, and some photo albums.

  “I’ve been looking at these for days,” Pete said hoarsely. “I should probably put them away before I get them dirty.”

  “Here, let me help.” He waited for his boss’s nod of permission before touching the precious sentiments.

  Shane started with the child’s drawings, and then organized the cards, before moving to the open photo albums. “Where do you want-” Furrowing his brow, he peered at the second album, one that was filled with a boy who looked to be in his early teens. A boy that was familiar to him.

  His fingers brushed one of the photos, mouth dry as he looked up at Peter.

  “Who is this?”

  It was a question he was afraid of knowing the answer to, though it was simple enough to put together now. He just needed confirmation. The anticipation of Peter’s response made his knees buckle, adrenaline already spiking.

  “That’s him.” He pursed his lips, stepping closer to the table to peer at the picture. “That’s my son, Jake.”

  Jake Talbot. His first boyfriend. The person who had changed everything.

  “They never found him, you know,” Pete continued, his voice breaking. “So we just mark the day of his disappearance as the date of his death. He was so angry with me about the divorce, he wasn’t speaking to me at the time. I never got to say goodbye.” He choked back a sob. “Jake disappeared on what would have been my weekend if I’d forced him to honor the custody agreement, but I didn’t want to force him to see me, you know? Maybe if I had, he’d still be alive...”

  “Don’t say that.” Shane placed a gentle hand on Peter’s shoulder and could feel his body shaking from the sobs. “You were trying to be respectful of his personal space. It’s not your fault. I can see how much you loved him.”

  Bile rose in his throat as he backed away from the table, trying desperately not to make his symptoms of panic obvious. This was too much for him to process and he wasn’t ready for his boss to know why.

  “I’m sorry, Peter, I’ve got to go.” He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans to stop them from shaking. “I have a dog, he’s waiting for me.”

  “Oh, alright.” He closed one of the albums before turning to Shane. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “You’re taking the day off, remember?”

  “Right, right.” Peter nodded, even though he’d clearly forgotten. “You probably should too, kiddo. You look really pale.”

  “Probably coming down with something.”

  Before that bile reached his tongue and expelled from his lips, Shane rushed out the door and got into his car.

  It was wrong to leave Peter in such a state, and alone, but he couldn’t stay there. How had he not figured this out before? Granted, Jake had never mentioned his father and he’d never seen any pictures. Since Shane had issues with his own father, he hadn’t forced the subject.

  Now, he wished that he had. Because, like Peter had said, maybe spending time with his father would have spared Jake. His disappearance had haunted Shane for years, but it couldn’t possibly compare to the pain that his parents felt.

  That was why he had to stay away from Peter now as well. It would end badly, just like everything else in his life.

  His first thought was to text Callan because he needed the comfort, but he’d burned that bridge, though not without good reason. One way or another, everything around him was destroyed. That was why he needed to keep his distance. If he was lucky, he could slowly fade away without anyone realizing it, and spare everyone the misfortune of experiencing what happened when people got too close to him.

  Even though he knew that he’d pay for it later, Shane needed a distraction. If he didn’t drink himself into oblivion, he might do something much worse.

  He spent hours at a local bar, one he’d rarely frequented because of his medication. Alcohol and heart failure didn’t mix well.

  Voices became garbled around him as he placed his arms on the table and buried his head in them. The bartender was telling him to call a cab but he could barely lift his cell phone, let alone call for a ride and physically leave the bar.

  “Hey, Shane. Long time no see.”

  The voice was a familiar one. Raising his head to make eye contact with Troy, he scrunched his noise. “Whaddo you want?”

  “I’m off-
duty. Let me take you home.”

  He shook his head as bile rose in his throat. “No fucking way.”

  “It’s rotten work, but someone’s got to do it. Come on.”

  Troy held out his hand. Shane knew that he wouldn’t be able to walk by himself, but he was still hesitant to take it.

  “M-my tab.”

  “I paid for it already.”

  He pursed his lips, mouth watering as he got to his feet. “Mmkay.”

  Troy was one of his least favorite people in the world now – and Shane had to be pretty low on Troy’s totem pole too – and yet, here he was, being helpful. He didn’t know what to make of that.

  The car ride was a blur. Thankfully, Troy didn’t need to ask where he lived or where the key to the apartment was.

  “What the-” Troy stumbled backward as a large German Shepard jumped on him. “Since when do you have a dog?”

  “Long story,” Shane mumbled as he gave Teddy a gentle pet. “Would you mind taking him outside? I don’t think I can make it up and down those stairs again.”

  “Sure thing.”

  While they were outside, Shane put food and water in Teddy’s bowls, and the effort made him feel so nauseous that he leaned over the counter. He tried and failed to think of anything except the immense sensation.

  By the time Troy came back inside, vomit was pooled at Shane’s feet, his body shaking from the effort.

  “Jesus!” Troy exclaimed. “I can’t leave you alone for a minute, can I?”

  “S-sorry.” He stood at the counter, at a loss for where to begin with the clean-up.

  “Don’t move, I’ll take care of it.”

  “No, don’t.” But he was in no position to argue.

  Stepping away from the vomit, he used the counter for support, trying to pull off his shoes at the same time. The room started spinning and he groaned, bringing a hand to his forehead.

  “Shane. I told you not to move! I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself, especially not when you’re on blood thinners.”

  The rest was a blur, as if he was going in and out of consciousness. Shane’s situation wasn’t dire, he just couldn’t remember how he’d gotten from the kitchen to his bed, and vomit-free. When he realized how clean he felt, he gasped, sitting up in the bed.