Remember My Name

by Laurencia Hoffman

  With a wave of his hand, he turned on his heel and continued down the hall, though didn’t get very far before he felt a grip on his shoulder.

  “Do you think it’s fair, what you’re doing to my kids?”

  Shrugging off his brother’s hand, his nostrils flared as he faced him. “What do you mean?”

  “You heard them.” Ethan scoffed and shook his head. “They miss you, and yet, you won’t make the necessary changes to see them.”

  Shane swallowed hard, gaze drifting toward his brother’s family. They looked happy, blissfully unaffected by his behavior. For them, all was as it should be, and that was how he wanted it to remain. “They know that I love them. That’s all that matters.”

  For a moment, it looked as though something spiteful might be on the tip of Ethan’s tongue. And then his features softened, as if rethinking his response. “Nora’s right. You don’t look well. What’s going on with you?”

  “Nothing.” Shane didn’t want to tell him about his discovery – that Peter had turned out to be Jake Talbot’s father. Ethan wouldn’t understand what it meant and why it was so significant. “I’m respecting your boundaries, Ethan. You need to respect mine.”

  “Is it your heart?” He took a step closer. “Did something happen?”

  “No, my condition hasn’t changed.” His hands rose like a signal to tell Ethan to back off. “I’m fine.”

  “I don’t know why you keep saying that when it’s clear that you’re not.”

  It was surprising that his brother could see through the facade. If people could see the cracks in the walls he’d built around himself, that was fine, just as long as they didn’t know why the cracks had appeared. “Trying to will it into existence, I guess. If I keep saying it, one day, it might be true.”

  There was a long pause. Ethan licked his lips anxiously, gaze wandering over Shane, even opening and closing his mouth twice before actually speaking. “I know you’re going to regret this someday, but you’re my brother, and I love you, so I don’t want you to beat yourself up over it. Even though I’ll never understand the choices you’re making, I’ll admit that I’ve never been in your position, so I don’t know how it feels.” Pursing his lips, his gaze lowered. “If this is how you have to deal with it, I can’t blame you or tell you that it’s wrong. I don’t believe that this is the right way to handle your problems, but, clearly, you do.”

  Shane hated everything about this moment – how he felt so defeated, how Ethan looked so defeated. Both of them struggling to find a connection, some miraculous link that would bring them back together and make everything alright again. To anyone who didn’t know the truth, it seemed like an easy fix. But to Shane, it was hopeless. He wouldn’t lift a finger to be welcomed back into Ethan’s life, and that of his niece and nephew, because he wholeheartedly believed that they were better off without him.

  Realizing that Shane wouldn’t respond, Ethan heaved a sigh. “I love you, man. I hope you see the light one day.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  As his brother walked away, looking the saddest that Shane had ever seen him, he cleared his throat. “Hey, Ethan-”

  Ethan stopped.

  “I love you too.”

  He nodded slowly. “I know.”

  Rejoining his family, Ethan wrapped his arms around the three of them and they disappeared into one of the many stores in the mall.

  Shane stood still, not minding the flurry of people walking past him, some giving him strange looks as he was the only person not moving.

  He was trying to memorize the image of Ethan, Harper, Hayden, and even Nora. An image that would remind him of the very reason he was staying away from them. They were happy. They loved one another in ways that he would never be able to experience because he would never have a spouse, or children, and any of the memories they were making as a family.

  The thought of the family of four being safe and happy would bring him great comfort. It would ease the pain of not seeing them. And he prayed to God that they would never understand his reasoning.

  Shane wouldn’t be able to bear it if they had known the truth.

  11

  The holiday was just a few days away, and because he had made it perfectly clear that he would not be in attendance, Lorraine had insisted on making him a private meal. How could he say no to his mother’s cooking?

  “It’s ready!” she called from the kitchen.

  He arranged a few extra gifts under the Christmas tree for Harper and Hayden. While he tried not to play favorites with the people in his life, his niece and nephew certainly received the largest stack of gifts.

  Shane placed a kiss on his mother’s cheek before sitting at the table. They were quiet while eating the roast and potatoes. He wondered what meal would be cooked for Ethan. It wasn’t that he was bitter about it, he just knew what he would be missing out on. Time. He was wasting it, throwing it away as if it was insignificant.

  Time was the only thing he’d been able to count on. Time passing. Time wasted. Time spent. Time stolen. Everything was measured in time; in minutes and hours. Life was made up of moments big and small, disappointing and surprising, heart-breaking and joyful.

  Time was always there. It could not be ignored; he was so aware of it. He doubted that anyone knew just how much he paid attention to it.

  Its passage hadn’t brought him the peace he had sought. All he could think about was the time he’d had, the time he hadn’t, and all the time that was taken for granted. Time that he was fortunate enough to have where others did not.

  Maybe that was why he took comfort in the fact that, for him, time was limited. It would run out. One way or another, Shane wouldn’t live to see a ripe, old age of anything. His death would approach more quickly than that of the average person, certainly more quickly than someone his age should expect.

  Those were the only two things he could count on: time and death, for they were both certain. Everything else was a guessing game, and he hated not knowing what was going to happen – or when.

  The ticking of his mother’s grandfather clock grew louder in his ears, counting every second he was lucky to be alive. And he hated every minute of it. It was a reminder that others had not been so lucky, like Jacob Talbot.

  He wouldn’t have been so ungrateful. Jake probably would have given anything to be enjoying a meal with his family.

  “Your father stopped by the other day.”

  Shane dropped his fork. “Why was he here?”

  Clicking her tongue, she picked the utensil off the floor and then went into the kitchen to fetch another.

  “He said that he wants to see you,” her voice carried across the rooms. “But he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable by showing up on your doorstep. So he showed up on mine.” She smiled and handed him a new fork before sitting down again. “Do you have any interest in talking to him again?”

  “No,” he said through gritted teeth.

  “Now, Shane, what happened between your father and I...” She trailed off, taking a deep breath. “That’s between us. You shouldn’t hold a grudge against him for something he did to me, you know, twenty-something years ago.”

  “I’m twenty-four,” he reminded her. “And, yes, I can. You’re my mother. There’s no excuse.”

  “I knew he had a wandering eye and I got involved with him anyway. I thought he might change but I should have known that he wouldn’t.”

  “You haven’t dated anyone since he cheated on you. If his actions affected you that badly then I don’t want to be around him.”

  “I never should have told you that he was unfaithful.” She sighed and brushed her fingers through his messy curls. “You might still have a relationship if you hadn’t known. He loves you, Shane. You should give him another chance. He hurt me, not you. I don’t want you to distance yourself from him on my account. I’m your mother and it’s my job to encourage a relationship between the two of you.”

  Shane folded his arms. “I don’
t want to see him and that’s that.”

  “Honey, is it because of your scars? You don’t have to be ashamed of them. That’s all in the past now.”

  “Maybe for you. But for me, it never ends.”

  “What are you saying?” She furrowed her brow. “Shane, should I be worried?”

  “No.” His nostrils flared. “I’m not going to hurt myself. It’s just embarrassing that everyone knows about the worst time in my life. There are some things I want to keep private, okay? I want to be able to move on, to live a normal life, to be happy. And I can’t be if the rest of you are so hellbent on reminiscing about the past and who I used to be instead of accepting me for who I am now.”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” Lorraine kissed his forehead. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t understand.”

  She gave him an extra scoop of potatoes while he blinked away the tears in his eyes.

  “I’ll do better, Shane. Alright? We won’t talk about your scars again, I promise.”

  Callan pulled him closer as the scariest part of the movie played out on the TV screen. The sounds were frightening Teddy so he turned it down, not even aware that Shane had averted his gaze for similar reasons.

  “What do you want for Christmas?” he asked gently.

  “Nothing.”

  He clicked his tongue. “Everyone says that, but everyone wants something.”

  Shane shook his head. “I mean it, Cal. Don’t buy me anything.”

  Pulling back, he furrowed his brow. “Is this a test?”

  “No, I’m being completely serious.” He turned to face Callan properly. “I don’t want...I can’t handle...” Taking a deep breath, he folded his arms, unable to complete the thought.

  “What is it?” Cal nudged his arm. “Tell me. I won’t get upset, I promise.”

  “I don’t like it when people spend money on me. It just makes me feel...icky. Sometimes it makes me literally sick. I can’t stomach it.”

  “I had no idea.” Cal rubbed his back soothingly. “What brought that on?”

  “I don’t know. No one’s ever made me feel like I owe them or anything like that. But that’s how I feel anyway, indebted to anyone who buys me something, especially when I ask them not to.” Lying was like second nature to him, and he hated that he could do it so easily with his lover. It made him feel like the scum of the earth. Callan had always been too good to him, even at his worst. “My family doesn’t understand it either. They get upset about it.”

  “I’m not upset. If it bothers you that much, I won’t buy you anything.” He pursed his lips, gaze wandering over Shane. “That has to come from somewhere, though. Maybe you just don’t remember.”

  He cleared his throat uncomfortably. Not only was Cal smarter than he would have liked, but could always see right through him too. He was just too polite to call Shane a liar. “Well, I was court-ordered to see my dad. I didn’t have a say. And it’s not like he’s a horrible person, I’ve just always hated being forced into things. People would tell me that I owed my father my time because, you know, he raised me, paid the bills and all that shit.”

  “I can see why that would affect you now.” He tilted his head, hand absentmindedly petting the dog who was seated against the couch. “I don’t really understand why that would bother you if you had a good relationship with your father.”

  Shane’s breath hitched in his throat. “I mean, he didn’t do anything to me, it just...it was like my mother, I guess. He wasn’t very open-minded. It affected me to the point where I don’t have a relationship with him anymore.” Heaving a sigh, his palm wiped his face. “My mom was a little different because of Ethan. Eventually, she changed. So, I let her back into my life. My dad, not so much.”

  “It’s very brave of you to walk away from people who are mistreating you.” With a soft smile, he rested his head on Shane’s shoulder. “Not everyone has the strength to do that.”

  Even though he was certain that Cal had an inkling he was lying through his teeth, he still managed to be sweet and supportive. It made Shane feel sick. The more he thought about it, the more nauseous he felt. “I’m not brave, Cal. I’m a fucking coward. I walk away from people who are good to me too.”

  They were soon unable to keep their eyes open and headed to bed. Teddy curled up on his bed in the corner of the room and the three of them were fast asleep in no time at all.

  In the early hours of the morning, Shane began to whimper. The familiar sound woke Cal, however, it was not unusual, so he pulled Shane closer and attempted to fall back asleep.

  Just as he started to drift off again, a hand collided with his face.

  “Jesus!” Sitting up, he realized that Shane was still asleep, and thrashing wildly. “Shane, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!”

  He was no longer whimpering but screaming, hand smacking Callan in the face several times while he attempted to hold Shane down.

  “Shane!” Cal shook him, trying to subdue him and not cause injury in the process. “Wake up! Wake up!”

  Silence. All movement ceased. Shane was wheezing, trying to catch his breath as he slowly sat against his pillows.

  “What happened?” he whispered.

  “You tell me.”

  Flicking on the lamp on the bedside table, Cal’s face was illuminated in the light, and Shane could see that his face was red and lip was bleeding.

  “Fuck, Cal, did I…did I do that to you?”

  “Yeah.” Sitting back, he folded his arms. “Are you going to tell me why?”

  “I-” He swallowed hard, hand wiping his face. “I’m so sorry, Cal. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Well, I guess you did warn me, didn’t you?”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “What did you mean?”

  “Fuck.” Resting his head in his hands, Shane’s fingernails dug into his skull.

  “Hey, don’t do that!” Callan forced Shane’s fingers away from his scalp. “I know this is bad, but it’s not worth bleeding out over.”

  His breathing had steadied but he couldn’t find the words to explain what his nightmare had involved.

  “Shane, you owe me an explanation,” he said in a tone that was not kind. “I mean, I deserve an explanation.”

  All he could do was shake his head, and that prompted Cal to plant his feet on the floor.

  “Alright, you’ve won. This game we’re playing – I can’t do it anymore. You love me one minute and hate me the next.” Teddy whined as Cal lingered near the door, hand on his forehead. “I know that I broke your heart, and I could understand if this was your way of revenge. You keep insisting that it isn’t, that it’s you and not me, but how can I not take it personally?”

  “I know,” he stated quietly. “I’m sorry.”

  “But not sorry enough to be honest with me.”

  He threw his hands in the air. “It’s not all about you!”

  “No, you’re right. It’s all about what you want, and what you need. You wanted to push me away, right? That was the goal?” Cal carefully wiped the blood from his lip. “Well, you’ve succeeded.”

  Shane averted his gaze. “This wasn’t a game for me.”

  “Wasn’t it? If you didn’t take pleasure in the constant back and forth, the tug of war, then why were we doing it?”

  “Because that’s how I am now! That’s how I deal with all the bullshit!” Throwing Teddy an apologetic look for the raised voices, he attempted to lower his own. “I’m sorry that I’m not a better person, okay? I’m sorry that I can’t be like you.”

  Cal scoffed, shaking his head. “I never asked you to change. I only ever asked for the truth.”

  “You don’t fucking know what it’s like.”

  “You think I haven’t struggled? That’s all I’ve done.”

  “Yeah, you’re not the only one.”

  “The difference is that I tell you about mine. That way, you can understand why I am the way that I am.”

  Shane heaved a sigh, still avoiding his lov
er’s gaze, and the cut on his lip. “Like I said, I can’t be like you.”

  Bottom lip trembling, Cal wiped his eyes. “Fine. I’m not going to be your punching bag anymore. I love you, but I won’t let you destroy me.”

  He shot the taller man a glare. “You don’t know what it’s like to be destroyed.”

  “How long am I supposed to ignore this?”

  Shane stared at him wearily. “What?”

  “The shaking. The cold sweats in the middle of the night. The pills. The nosebleeds.”

  “You still think I’m an addict, huh?”

  “I don’t know what to think because you won’t tell me.”

  Pursing his lips, he thought about brushing off the question once again, but knew that if he didn’t answer this time, he might lose the love of his life. “I’m sick.”

  The look on Callan’s face was as if someone had just punched him in the gut. “How sick?”

  “I was diagnosed when I was sixteen. Heart failure.”

  “Oh my God...” He swallowed hard, gaze wandering over Shane. “You never said anything. But how could I not have known?”

  “I didn’t want you to know.” Shane shrugged. “I’m very good at keeping secrets.”

  “I don’t want there to be secrets between us.” Kneeling at the edge of his bed, Cal placed his hands on the top of Shane’s thighs. “I want us to move forward with our relationship, if that’s what this is.”

  “That’s what I want it to be.” A lump formed in his throat. Tears brimmed his eyes, forcing him to look away. He didn’t want Callan to see any display of emotion. “But I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “Why not?” He furrowed his brow. “You don’t think you can rely on me?”

  “I know I can, I’m just not sure if I want to.”

  “Why do I feel like I’m still missing something? I don’t understand, Shane.” Getting to his feet, Cal paced the floor, moving back and forth between Shane’s bed and Teddy’s. “You either want me or you don’t. You either love me or...you don’t. I don’t know what you want from me.”