Dirt Queen

by Nora Blake

  “They’ll come back.” His voice sounded so unsure. “We need to stay here.”

  I stared down the hall waiting. When the double doors opened, I gripped Nick’s arm. When the doctor looked at us, he hung his head and shook it a little. He motioned for us to come down the hall. I could feel Nick’s body shaking just like my own.

  The hallway felt forever long. I thought we’d never make it to the room. All the signs were there, Aaron was gone, but I didn’t believe it. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. He had survived the car wreck, he could survive this.

  When we came into the room, Aaron’s body was stretched out on a bed covered with a white sheet. His mom was screaming, her hands covered in his blood, begging for Nick and Aaron’s dad to let her go.

  “I can do more! Please!” she cried as she jerked against her husband’s arms.

  He sat in a chair, pulling her into his lap. She clung to him as they both cried.

  “I’ll give you a minute,” the doctor said before he and the nurses left the room.

  I hadn’t let go of Nick. If I did, I was afraid I’d fall. My legs felt so unstable.

  I saw Aaron's foot, white as the sheet covering him and that's when it hit me.

  Was I crying?

  Was I even breathing?

  It felt like someone kicked me in the gut and ripped my heart from my chest.

  “Let’s get you out of here,” Nick barely got out through his cries.

  I don't remember walking out of the room or how I got into the hallway. All I know is once I was there, I lost it. I finally felt the tears falling and broke out into violent sobs.

  I couldn't control myself.

  I was losing my fucking mind.

  He was gone.

  That's all that kept playing over and over in my mind.

  Nick wrapped me tightly in his arms and held on to me, but I needed Aaron’s arm. He was the only one who could comfort me.

  “I need to go back,” I said, frantically trying to get out of his arms. "Let me go!" I pleaded. It felt like I was drowning and needed to swim to the surface for air. I couldn't breathe.

  “He’s gone, Sarah. You don’t need to remember him like that.”

  "He is not!" I screamed. "He's not gone! Don't say that! We have plans for forever!"

  He held onto me. Not tight enough to hurt me but tight enough to keep me in his arms.

  “He’s gone,” he whispered through his sobs.

  I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. I covered my ears. "Stop it!" I screamed again. I started to fight some more, but eventually my body gave up. I had no more fight left in me. I collapsed against him and gripped the back of his shirt.

  He scooped me up in his arms and sat down in the nearest chair. He held onto me, rubbing my back.

  I heard footsteps, then Aaron’s dad’s voice. "Get her out of here.”

  I shook my head adamantly. "Don't make me leave him," I begged.

  “There’s nothing you can do for him, Sarah,” Nick said as calmly as he could.

  It hurt.

  God, it hurt so fucking bad.

  I knew he was gone, but I felt like I could change it somehow. Like, if I went back in there all I had to do was tell him not to leave me and he wouldn't.

  Always.

  He promised me always. He wouldn’t leave me.

  We made it to the truck and Nick put me inside.

  I wrapped my arms around myself, the shaking was uncontrollable.

  When Nick got in, he lost it. He punched his steering wheel over and over as his whole body convulsed from crying so hard.

  I couldn't respond.

  Hell, I couldn't even breathe.

  As soon as he calmed down, I gripped his hand tightly and closed my eyes, waiting to wake up from this horrible nightmare. But I didn’t wake up and everything hurt. Things didn’t hurt in dreams.

  Why my Aaron, God?

  I knew in my heart that I shouldn’t question God, but I did. I did so much that I felt myself growing angry with God. Nick didn’t start driving. He couldn’t. We just sat in that parking lot feeling empty and lost.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Sarah

  “Sarah, your parents just got here,” Nick said from the doorway.

  I covered my face with Aaron’s pillow. It still smelled like him. It was only yesterday that he had slept against it. I closed my eyes, my tears burning the lids, and inhaled deeply the scent of his shampoo calming me a little. I didn’t answer Nick. My throat was too raw to talk.

  “Sarah,” he whispered, peeling the pillow away from my swollen eyes.

  “Do you want to see them?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

  I shook my head.

  His eyes were swollen, too. Last night we held each other and cried ourselves to sleep. There wasn’t anything else we could do.

  “They aren’t going to leave.”

  I shrugged and pulled the pillow back down over my face.

  “Okay. I’ll tell them you’re not ready to talk to anyone.”

  When I heard the door close, I moved the pillow from my face and wrapped my arms around it. I watched the door, waiting. Aaron would come through it at any second. He had to, because this wasn’t happening. Last night I took NyQuil. I was still sleeping and having the worst nightmare of my life. Any second Aaron would come through that door, wake me up, and hold me telling me everything was okay.

  I dozed off.

  I think I did, anyway.

  All I know is I wasn’t fully coherent until Nick gently nudged my shoulder.

  “I brought you some water and Advil.”

  I sat up slowly. My whole body ached still and was sure I’d be in this much pain forever. I took the cup and put the pills on my tongue before taking a drink. I was thirstier than I expected and ended up downing the whole glass.

  Nick sat on the bed next to me, his shoulders slumped, and put his face in his hands. I watched as he took a deep breath, before sitting up straighter.

  “Nick, why don’t you tell everyone that’s here to leave? You need to get some sleep.” It hurt to talk. It felt like glass shards scraped against every inch of my throat as the words left my mouth.

  He nodded but didn’t move. When he looked at me, tears trickled slowly down his cheeks. “Can I just lock myself in here with you? My phone is going crazy, Keeton and Kallon are freaking out, and I just … I can’t—” His words failed him as he started crying harder.

  I stared at him, knowing in my mind I should comfort him, do something to show I notice, that I feel the heart-wrenching pain too, but I couldn’t react. Instead, I clung tightly to Aaron’s pillow, bringing my knees to my chest. I closed my eyes and waited for Nick to calm down.

  It seemed like an eternity before he was able to calm down. I opened my eyes and watched as he laid down with his back to me. I could hear him sniffing, but he didn’t say anything.

  I let go of the pillow long enough to pull the covers over him. I needed to pee, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to do anything. I sighed, ran my hands down my face, and stood on shaky legs. I had to grip the end table, close my eyes, and wait for my legs to become steady enough to walk.

  “Do you need help?” Nick asked with a broken voice.

  I shook my head. “I’ll be fine.” I took a deep breath, stood up straight, and walked slowly into the bathroom.

  I shut the door and stared at Aaron’s work clothes on the floor next to the bathtub. I pressed my back firmly against the door. It was like nothing was different. I closed my eyes and imagined Aaron out in the garage working with Nick, just like any normal day. I’d pick up his greasy clothes and wash them. Him and Nick would come into the kitchen later, we’d all have dinner, we’d laugh about something Nick or Aaron said …

  Tears fell slowly down my cheeks.

  Aaron wasn’t here.

  He’d never be here again.

  That was my new reality.

  There was a knock on the door. “Sarah, you okay?”


  Was I okay? I couldn’t answer that. I couldn’t make sense of anything.

  I pushed off the door and walked over the sink. What did I even come in here for? I looked around, spotted the toilet, and remembered I needed to pee.

  After I was done using the bathroom, I gathered up all of Aaron’s dirty clothes and came out of the bathroom. Nick was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me.

  “What are you doing?”

  I looked at the clothes in my arms and then at him. “Starting laundry. He’ll need them.” What the fuck was I even saying? No he wouldn’t, but I couldn’t convince myself of it. I walked out of the room

  Nick followed behind me. “Why don’t you come lay back down? We can do laundry later.”

  I didn’t answer him, I just kept making my way down the hall. I went into the laundry room, both cats were meowing at me to be fed. I set the clothes on the floor and poured them some food. I then stood, walked over to the cabinet and took out the laundry detergent. All of my movements felt weird, like I knew what I was doing but my body was doing it without my permission.

  I knew Nick was standing there watching me, but I didn’t acknowledge he was there. I twisted off the cap and poured some in the washer. I started the water and threw the clothes in.

  Nick reached over me and closed the lid. “Okay, let’s go back to your room,” he said gently.

  “I need to go clean.”

  He sighed heavily. “What all needs to be cleaned?”

  I shrugged and walked into the living room. “Go lay down. I’ve got it.”

  “I’m not going to lay down until you do. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

  I stood next to the couch and looked around. It really wasn’t messy at all. I looked into the kitchen and saw it was fine, too.

  I looked at Nick. “I was supposed to help install seat belts.”

  He pulled me into his arms and held onto me. “It’s not your fault, Sarah. It was an accident.”

  My forehead creased. “I need to install the seatbelts. I promised.” I went to the door and slipped on my shoes. I made it outside and headed toward the garage. I could hear Nick following me, telling me to come back inside and begging me not to go out there, but I didn’t listen. Even if I wanted to listen, I couldn’t. I was incapable of thinking for myself it seemed.

  I went to open the garage door, but it was locked. I kept tugging on it, as if it'd magically open.

  Nick grabbed me from behind. “It’s locked, Sarah. You don’t need to go in there. Not yet.”

  “Nick, let me in there,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “No, I haven’t had a chance to clean up in there yet. I don’t want you seeing all of that.”

  “I’ll clean it up.” Tears filled my eyes. “I can do it.” I let go of the door knob, my hands were shaking so bad I had to cross my arms to steady them.

  “No.” He scooped me up and held me close to him as he walked back to the house. “I’m not even going to clean it up. Someone else is coming over to do it for us.”

  We made it to the bedroom and he set me on the bed. I scooted back until my back was against the headboard. I looked at Nick as I grabbed Aaron’s pillow and held it close to me.

  “He’s coming back,” I whispered. “The doctors were wrong.”

  Tears welled up in his eyes as he untied my shoes and took them off. “He’s not coming back, Sarah.”

  I buried my face against the pillow. I wanted to scream or cry, but nothing would come out. I felt the bed shift next to me, then Nick’s arms around me.

  “Go be with your parents and family,” I said, my words muffled by the pillow. “I’m sure Keeton and Kallon need you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I can’t see all of them right now. I’m not leaving you alone, Sarah.”

  I looked at him and nodded slowly. “Thank you,” I whispered and relaxed against him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  Sarah

  I sat on the couch with my parents. The funeral was a blur. I remembered the preacher saying some really nice things, but he didn’t know Aaron, and it made me angry that someone was talking about him without ever meeting him. It was silly to be angry about something like that, but I was.

  “Sarah, why don’t you go eat?” Mom asked warmly as she rubbed circles against my back.

  I stared blankly at her.

  “I can go fix a plate,” Dad said as he stood.

  I didn’t answer, so he walked away and into the kitchen where people were standing around. So many people. I had never been hugged by so many strangers in my life until last night at the visitation and today at the funeral.

  It was such a beautiful day, even if it was the worst day of my life. The weather was perfect, and Aaron’s racing friends made sure the racing suit he was having made was rush delivered so he could be buried in it. Everyone came together to make sure the funeral was worthy of the man Aaron was.

  Was.

  That word never had any significance to me until now. It’s crazy how little things like such a simple word had new meaning after something horrific happened.

  Nick walked into the house holding Kallon and Keeton latched onto his hand. As soon as Keeton saw me he took off running and launched himself at me. I hugged him tightly and rubbed his back, proud that I wasn’t bawling like I had expected I would when I saw them. Melany had kept them away, and I didn’t blame her. They didn’t need to see everyone so sad. They needed to be away from all the chaos.

  I let go of Keeton and hugged Kallon when he came over to me. I didn’t have the words to say to them, but something told me they knew just how much I cared about them without having to say it. After I let go of him, Melany walked over and stood in front of me.

  I looked up at her, trying to smile, but I couldn’t.

  “I’m so sorry, Sarah.” She held her hands out to the boys, and after they took them, they headed into the kitchen.

  I wanted to scream at her and tell her she got what she wanted. Now the boys wouldn’t get time with Aaron at all. I wanted to blame her for this somehow, but that was wrong. Even in my selfish anger, I couldn’t do that.

  I nodded and looked at my Dad when he brought my plate of food. I took it and set it on the coffee table. He set a glass of water next to it, then sat on the couch next to Mom.

  I looked at Nick who just stood there, staring at everyone in the kitchen. I wondered if he was like me and just wanted everyone to leave. I was so exhausted.

  I looked at my food when my mom picked up the fork and handed it to me. I wasn’t hungry, but I knew I’d be forced to eat as long as my parents were sitting here. I took a few bites of some mashed potatoes, literally forcing myself to swallow.

  Mom started rubbing my back again, and that’s when I’d had enough. I hated this. I hated the pity. No one needed to feel sorry for me. I didn’t need to be coddled, it only made me feel worse.

  I set my fork down on the plate and stood.

  “Sarah, where are you going, honey?” Mom asked, standing, too.

  “I’m going to lay down.”

  “But, you need to eat and people—”

  “Can leave,” I snapped. I walked past Kait who was coming over, she started to follow me but when she saw the look on my face, she stopped. I went into the bedroom, shut the door, and kicked my heels off by the dresser.

  I thought about changing out of my black dress, but didn’t have the energy. I walked over to Aaron’s side of the bed and laid down. The worst thing about all of this is the one I needed the most was gone.

  The door opened and closed and Nick came over to my bed. He crawled in on my side and laid down next to me.

  “I want to tell everyone to get out, but I know that’s wrong,” I said quietly.

  “I understand. I want peace and quiet. I don’t want any of this.”

  I turned over on my back and stared up at the ceiling. “When do people typically leave things like this? Am I allowed to tell them it’s time to go?” I w
iped my eyes. “They’ve been here for hours.”

  He kissed the side of my head. “I’ll go kick them all out.”

  “Tell them to take their stupid food, too. Haven’t these people heard of pizza?” I shocked myself when I smiled a little.

  “I’ll see if I can, and I will definitely be ordering pizza tonight. I’m sick of casseroles.” He got up and left the room.

  I was too anxious to lay down, even if I was exhausted and knew I needed to sleep. The past three nights were spent tossing and turning, me crying, or Nick crying, and neither of us could just allow ourselves to rest. You really don’t know how you’ll react in a situation like this until it happens to you, and then it’s like you don’t have control over your actions. You just … are. You just do. You’re at the will of your emotions and there’s no escaping it.

  I got out of bed and started going through Aaron’s end table drawer. I found his iPad and turned it on. I sat on the floor with my back against the bed, scrolling through his pictures. I was so thankful he had his cloud account synced from his phone so everything that was on his phone was here.

  I scrolled through pictures of the kids, us, him and Nick being their goofy selves, his race car … and rings. Wedding rings. There were screenshots of three different ones, all absolutely perfect. My mind went to Vegas and all of our plans to get married. We were going to make a life together. We had plans for the future and this cruel nasty fate decided to rip it away from us.

  I stared down at the iPad, growing angrier and angrier.

  The question of why kept swirling around in my brain like a merry-go-round that just wouldn’t fucking stop.

  Next … The what-ifs.

  What if I had helped him with the seatbelts instead of coming inside and lying down? Then he wouldn’t have been working on the tires.

  What if I convinced him to quit racing after his wreck? Then he wouldn’t have been working on the stupid car at all.

  I threw the iPad at the wall and covered my ears. The room was silent but inside my head wasn’t. It was like I could hear myself screaming and telling myself how stupid I was to let him keep racing when I had a gut feeling he needed to walk away from it.