The School for Talking Pets

by Kelli Anne Hawkins

Sure enough, the table had been set for one, and steam rose from a plate containing sausages, mashed potatoes and gravy. Rusty’s stomach growled.

  ‘My favourite,’ he marvelled. ‘How did they know?’

  Rusty scanned the room, half-expecting someone to appear from behind the curtains. When no-one did, he sat down, stabbed a sausage, shoved it in his mouth and chewed greedily. After several mouthfuls, he noticed a thick white envelope sticking out from beneath his plate.

  He put his knife and fork down and picked up the envelope. He slid his index finger along the seal and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

  A note from Miss Einstein herself?

  He unfolded it with trembling hands. The handwriting was bold and in red ink.

  Dear Rusty and Bongo,

  Congratulations and welcome to Miss Alice Einstein’s School for Talking Pets.

  Please meet us at the front door of the school building tomorrow morning at nine o’clock sharp for your guided tour. Lessons will begin after the tour.

  I look forward to meeting you in person, and in lizard.

  Your friend,

  Miss Alice Einstein

  Rusty peered out the window across the green fields towards the bluff. From here, the school appeared small, just a single level building perched up high, but Rusty knew the rest of it was hidden, hanging down over the ocean on the other side of the cliff. The setting sun glinted off the glass dome in flashes of gold.

  ‘Tomorrow we’ll be there, Bongo,’ Rusty said, sleepy again now that his belly was half-filled with sausages. He walked over and lay on the bed. His eyelids fluttered shut. ‘Tomorrow.’

  CHAPTER 15

  AN ITCHY COW

  Kyle Strummer scuttled on his stomach from the depths of the forest, dressed head to toe in camouflage. The moonlight was bright and the clouds had blown away. He could see green fields ahead and, further still, a strange pink building. He stopped behind the last of the trees and spun back to look behind him.

  ‘Wilhelmina! Come on. Get out here. I need you as cover.’

  The leaves rustled, then all was quiet.

  ‘I mean it, Wilhelmina! I told you, you look fine.’

  Leaves rustled again, closer this time. A large black and white cow lumbered onto the grass.

  ‘Great, that’s perfect. Now go ahead and I’ll keep behind you. Head towards the house. That’s where the bus took them.’

  The cow began plodding towards the pink building.

  Suddenly it stopped and a human arm poked out from the top of one of its front legs. The arm reached back and scratched lazily at the cow’s rear leg.

  ‘Wilhelmina!’ Kyle said. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Get your arm back in the costume.’

  The cow stood on its hind legs and turned back to face him. Kyle could clearly see Wilhelmina’s head beneath the rubber cow mask.

  ‘Itchy,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t care about your itch. Get back inside the costume and, in the name of Her Majesty the Queen, put all four legs back on the ground before I get properly angry with you. Last I heard, cows didn’t walk on their hind legs.’

  He shook his head. Sometimes he thought about asking Lord and Lady Roderick for a new partner. Wilhelmina was strong, yes, and there was no-one better with a weapon, but really, itchy? Now of all times! What was the woman’s problem?

  But Kyle knew he was stuck with Wilhelmina.

  No, they were stuck with each other; they had been since their orphanage days. Since the day six-year-old Kyle (a sometime bully himself, he was the first to admit) poked Beastly Barry with a pointy stick after the bigger boy tried to throw Wilhelmina’s bedraggled stuffed teddy — Mr Blobby Head — into the fireplace. From then on, Kyle had been uncharacteristically protective of the tiny four-year-old with her sticking-out orange hair. After Wilhelmina’s growth spurt, the bullies learned to keep their distance. But though the big woman no longer needed Kyle, their peculiar friendship remained.

  Kyle had to admit they were a good match. What with him being exceptionally intelligent — not to mention ruggedly handsome — and Wilhelmina so physically powerful. Not that he was a slouch in the muscles department himself. Just to prove it, Kyle flexed all his muscles at once, enjoying the puffed-up sensation that came with it. Yep, you still have it, Kyle.

  He sighed, watching Wilhelmina as she scratched at various itchy body parts. Lord Roderick had told them this mission was important. Something about the collapse of the world economy — Kyle hadn’t really been listening. But he would do his job, which was to radio in with regular updates and keep an eye on all the goings-on at the school.

  Kyle hoped Lord Roderick would be the one to answer when he radioed in that night. Not Lady Roderick, pretty please. He shivered.

  Wilhelmina pulled her arm back into the costume. She leaned over and continued her awkward hobble. As he crawled along after her on the damp grass, for a moment — just a moment, mind you — Kyle felt sorry for Wilhelmina.

  He always managed to secure uncomfortable or unflattering outfits for his partner. He smiled at the memory of her dressed as a grizzly bear in Canada. In Australia, he’d made her hop around in a kangaroo costume. Oh, and in Kenya he’d had her wear a buffalo outfit, complete with horns . . . which, he suddenly remembered, had almost ended badly when they’d been surprised by that hungry lion.

  They were friends, but Kyle wasn’t always the nicest friend.

  He glanced down at his tight khaki T-shirt and camo pants, wishing it weren’t so dark. He wanted to pull out the mirror he always kept in his back pocket, to admire the paint he’d smeared under his eyes before they left the boat hidden in the forest. The black made his eyes really smoulder. How’d you get to be so good-looking, Kyle? he asked himself for the millionth time. But he didn’t need an answer. Just knowing he was extremely handsome was enough.

  Kyle peered at the stumbling cow in the dark and sighed. I’d better get back to the mission at hand. The sooner they helped Lord and Lady Roderick shut down this school, the sooner they’d get back to the mainland. There were lots of mirrors on the mainland. Lots of people there to admire his good looks. He just needed to keep an eye on the children and their pets.

  Tomorrow.

  It would start tomorrow.

  CHAPTER 16

  AT HOME WITH THE RODERICKS

  ‘Ah. Mr Strummer. What news do you have for us?’

  Lady Roderick shooed her husband away from the radio and turned her back on him so he couldn’t snatch the handset away. She’d missed the emergency SANCEF meeting thanks to an escapee at the Somerset orphanage, but after quickly bringing that little problem under control, she was dying to sink her teeth into this talking-pet caper.

  Why should Neil get to have all the fun?

  ‘Yes. Yes. I see. Hm-mm.’

  She felt her husband’s gaze on her. She knew he preferred to deal with the agents himself; said they were terrified of her. But everyone was terrified of her. If she didn’t talk to those who were terrified of her, why, she would never talk to anyone.

  Except for Neil, of course.

  Still, she couldn’t help herself from pausing a fraction too long on several occasions while talking to this one. It wouldn’t hurt to keep him on his toes.

  After the report — the man had nothing to say and may as well not have radioed at all — she disconnected and turned to Neil. ‘Nothing yet.’

  ‘Next time let me talk to him, Rosemary.’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ Lady Roderick said with a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘Those two — the vain one and the huge orange one — they don’t suspect our true purpose?’

  Lord Roderick smiled. ‘Of course not, Rosemary. That’s why I chose them.’

  ‘Wonderful,’ Lady Roderick said. ‘You did well getting SANCEF to leave us in charge of this matter, Neil.’

  Lord Roderick held out his arm and Lady Roderick set her hand upon it. Together they strolled from the command centre they’d built in their eighty-four room Oxford
shire mansion, through the parlour, library, ballroom, theatre and conservatory and onto the terrace, which overlooked a sweeping lawn and, further still, a particularly quaint section of the River Thames. Lady Roderick sat on a wicker chair at a table set with bone china teacups. Immediately, a girl dressed in a black uniform appeared with a teapot. At a nod from her employer, she poured two cups of tea and departed.

  Lady Roderick sighed. ‘Yes, life has been so boring lately, Neil.

  Private jets, cocktail parties, superyachts, et cetera, et cetera. Even running the orphanages and training children to be our secret agents is getting boring.’ She parted her lips, the edges of them lifting and stretching. This, she knew, was the smile that so terrified the masses. Her husband was used to it, of course, but a bit of practice never hurt. ‘This talking-pet school business, well, it’s the key to it all, isn’t it? World domination. Plus, Neil, it will give us something to do.’

  CHAPTER 17

  THE GRAND TOUR AND A TALKING CAT

  The children and their pets made their way along the road through the gently sloping fields to the school.

  Braithwaite fought against a straining Bismarck on a leash. Shelby carried Porky in her arms, and Maximilian did the same with Hannah. Sora fluttered above Akira’s head. Bongo sat on Rusty’s shoulder, peering about contentedly. Today, Akira’s boots were purple and her jeans were black, with rips at the knees. Her T-shirt read The Ramones. Shelby tottered awkwardly along in high heels again, and a different matching skirt and top, again in pink. Braithwaite appeared to be wearing the same clothes as he had the previous day, and Maximilian had swapped his grey three-piece suit for a navy one. Rusty felt rather plain in his T-shirt and cargo pants.

  Now that they were closer, Rusty could better see the top of the school building. He stared at the lettered sign on its imposing timber door. It read, in slanted calligraphy:

  Miss Alice Einstein’s School for Talking Pets

  Welcome — Animals and Humans!

  Enter, Learn,

  and Most Importantly

  Enjoy

  (But Please Wipe All Hooves, Feet, Talons,

  Claws and Paws on the Mat First)

  They waited.

  ‘Did you get bratwurst and sauerkraut last night?’ asked Maximilian to break the silence. ‘The cabbage was incredible — just like my grandmutter makes.’

  ‘Sauerkraut,’ frowned Shelby. ‘What’s that? No, I had Texas ribs and slaw. Better than the place I go to on the corner of Sixth and Washington with my dads. Did I ever tell you —?’

  ‘I’m certain my Yorkshire pudding was better,’ butted in Braithwaite. ‘And the roast beef! My goodness, it was so delicious —’

  Before he could finish describing the tastiness of his roast dinner, the door swung silently open. Inside, the room was huge — as big as the Gundarra South School Oval — with glass on the other three sides offering spectacular views of the ocean to the front and manicured lawns to either side. Plain tiles covered the floor and the ceiling was white with a glass dome in the centre, through which Rusty could see wispy white clouds floating across a paler blue sky than he was used to in Australia.

  Sitting alone facing them was Nader Heydar. The cat sat for a very long moment — enjoying the drama of the situation, Rusty was sure — before speaking. ‘Welcome, Mr Kingsley-Smythe, Mr von Zimmermann, Mr Mulligan, Miss Tanaka and Miss Simmons.’ Nader nodded at each of them as he said their names. ‘And, of course, welcome also, Bismarck, Hannah, Bongo, Sora and Porky. We trust you slept comfortably in your rooms at the Pink House. I will show you around the school. Miss Einstein had hoped to be here, but she has been unavoidably detained, so I’m afraid she will have to join us later. She asked me to apologise to you on her behalf.’

  Rusty stared at Nader. He couldn’t believe he was seeing a live, talking cat in the flesh — well, in the fur.

  ‘Now, shall we begin? Please feel free to ask questions as we go.’

  Nader walked to one side of the front door, where Rusty saw several lifts and a set of stairs near them. Some buttons were set high on the wall and others low. Nader sat down and pressed a lower button with a fluffy white paw. The lift pinged open and Nader swished inside, the others following. Nader pressed a button marked −1 and the doors closed. After only a few seconds, it pinged open again and they emerged into the centre of a long, wide corridor lined with doors on one side. It was rather like a normal school hallway but it had been painted entirely in sunny yellow. Even the floor and ceiling were yellow.

  ‘Wow,’ exclaimed Shelby. ‘It sure is bright in here.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Nader as he started down the corridor, heading left. ‘Miss Einstein believes in the power of colour. Each level of the school is different. You’ll see.’

  ‘We painted Ronald Webster’s locker purple last year, for a prank,’ Braithwaite said with a smirk. ‘But this is so much better!’

  Nader stopped. He turned back to Braithwaite and sniffed, scrunching his nose up so that it was even more squished-in than usual. ‘You are the British boy, I believe? The one related to the Queen of England?’

  Braithwaite nodded. Nader’s gaze swept from the boy’s tatty sneakers right up to his messy blond hair. The cat sniffed again. ‘I do hope you dress more appropriately in Her Majesty’s presence.’

  Braithwaite reddened. From somewhere ahead, yapping broke out. Bismarck jerked towards the sound, nearly tugging Braithwaite over.

  ‘Ah, I think that’s the new group of recruits,’ Nader said. ‘Lots of rowdy puppies among them, if I remember correctly. They are probably in one of the maths rooms for the beginner’s algebra class.’

  Puppies learning algebra? Rusty felt very sorry for the yapping dogs.

  Nader strolled on, talking over his shoulder as if he had heard Rusty’s thoughts. ‘Miss Alice Einstein believes in offering a well-rounded education to all pets, which includes mathematics, the sciences, the arts and history. Unfortunately,’ he added under his breath with a glance at Bismarck, who was straining on his leash so forcefully that he appeared about to choke himself, ‘canines lack the discipline of the more dignified Felis catus.’

  The children looked at one another with wide eyes. Cats and dogs learning history? Maths? Was that even possible?

  ‘Miss Alice Einstein’s School for Talking Pets is set out in much the same way as a regular human school,’ Nader said, before adding, ‘sort of. This is the Albert Floor. It was named for Miss Einstein’s great-grandfather. Our science labs and mathematics classrooms are on this level.’ He stopped at the nearest doorway. ‘Ah, yes, as I suspected. Algebra 101.’

  Rusty peered into the room. It was like a normal classroom. Sort of.

  It was filled with pets.

  CHAPTER 18

  ALGEBRA 101

  On one side of the classroom, half-a-dozen dogs sat behind desks, each one appropriately sized for their breed. Rusty saw a tiny Chihuahua, a lanky Great Dane and others in between. At the front of the classroom stood a young man wearing spectacles and a black beret. He pointed at the equation on the whiteboard.

  ‘3y times 2x equals?’ the teacher asked hopefully.

  No-one answered. The Chihuahua growled, but Rusty thought it was a growl of frustration, rather than anger.

  I hear you, he thought. Algebra is the worst.

  There weren’t just dogs in the maths room. At the back stood two ponies, a large black-and-white spotted pig and a goat, each one behind a desk, all deep in concentration. By the windows, Rusty could see a couple of hamsters and several rabbits. Right at the front of the room were tiny desks, behind which sat an entire row of mice on miniature chairs. Just behind them were four cats, tails swishing. They paid far more attention to the mice than to the teacher, a fact not unnoticed by the mice, who kept glancing behind them, twitching their whiskers nervously.

  The children and their pets crowded at the door and stared at the animals. Nader watched with an amused look on his squished-in face. ‘Come along. We ha
ve much more to see yet.’

  He started off again down the corridor and the children followed, goggling at one another and shaking their heads in wonder. Next were several science labs. Rusty halted at the doorway of the first one, almost flinging Bongo from his shoulder. At the closest bench, a beaker of smoking liquid bubbled over a blue-flamed Bunsen burner, watched on by three cats, all wearing safety goggles and small white lab coats. The nearest cat, a sleek Siamese, held a pencil delicately in its paw. It nodded, then made a careful note in an exercise book.

  ‘That’s it, guys,’ said the cat. ‘We’ve got the results we need. You can turn it off now.’

  The cat saw Rusty standing at the door with his mouth hanging open and grinned. ‘Guys! We’ve got an audience.’

  ‘Leave him alone, Graham,’ ordered a smaller black cat, turning a dial so the burner’s flame disappeared. ‘He’s one of the competition winners. He’ll be used to us soon enough.’ The black cat looked up from the equipment and smiled at Rusty and Bongo.

  ‘I’m Gretel,’ she said. ‘You’ll have to excuse Graham. We’re a bit excited today. This is only our third practical science lesson. I’m dying to melt some stuff!’ She peered behind Rusty. ‘Oh, your friends are leaving. You’d better go.’ Rusty glanced back and saw Gretel was right; Nader and the others were almost at the end of the corridor. But Gretel was holding up a fluffy paw, obviously requesting a high-five.

  Rusty stepped forwards and gently slapped her paw. She grinned at him. ‘See you around, quiet boy,’ she said. ‘You too, strange lizard.’

  Rusty caught up with the others and followed along at the back of the group before he was distracted again by a noticeboard on the wall, where sheets of paper had been pinned.

  Meet Other Pets — Join the Debating Team! read one notice. This Month’s Topic — Modern Zoos: Sanctuary or Prison?