The School for Talking Pets

by Kelli Anne Hawkins

  Shelby was still in an optimistic mood at dinner. ‘Golly gosh, I’m hungry,’ she said.

  The children had only ever eaten their evening meals in their rooms that first evening. Now, it was their custom to join the pets in the Pink House’s huge dining room. It was as big as a ballroom — bigger than the Gundarra South School Hall — with timber floors, ornate windows on either side and one long table that ran right down the centre. Most of the animals sat at — or on — the table, though some preferred to eat while standing, from a bowl or trough set up to one side of the room. There were no rules, though politeness was expected. For the humans, a buffet table was always set at one end of the room, and the children helped themselves before taking a seat.

  Tonight, Shelby sat next to Rusty, Porky on the table between them. Akira was on Rusty’s other side. Shelby munched her favourite — pepperoni pizza. She was a creature of habit and always chose either pizza or spaghetti bolognaise. Now, she folded a piece of pizza together — something Rusty thought was strange — took a large bite out of it and moaned with pleasure. Shelby waved her pizza above Porky as she spoke, and he hustled from side to side and stared up at it with doleful eyes. Rusty had been forced to move his glass of water out of the way of Porky’s butt more than once.

  ‘You should marry that pizza,’ said Braithwaite from where he sat on the other side of Shelby.

  ‘I would marry this pizza,’ Shelby said through a mouthful of oozy cheese. ‘I can’t believe it’s actually vegetarian. It is seriously the best pizza I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.’

  ‘You’re only eleven,’ Braithwaite muttered, but Shelby ignored him.

  ‘What are your thoughts about Nader Heydar’s new talking-pet school?’ asked Maximilian from across the table. In front of the German boy was an enormous schnitzel: a flat, crumbed, oval-shaped piece of fake meat so big it hung over the edges of his plate. A tiny wedge had been cut from one side; the rest sat untouched. Maximilian’s tie was skewwhiff and the gold pen in his vest pocket had leaked, leaving a grape-sized blob of black ink on his usually pristine white shirt. Rusty hadn’t seen the usually neat Maximilian looking so, well, normal before.

  Maximilian glanced at Hannah and pushed his plate away. Hannah, who’d already eaten a tin of sardines and lapped up a bowl of milk, lay sprawled across the end of the table, fast asleep, her chest lifting and falling rhythmically.

  Rusty poked his spaghetti with a fork and regarded his own pet. Bongo sat on the table with a bowl of live, wriggly worms that had already made Shelby dry-heave. He had eaten several of them and paid no attention to the other children or pets. He, like Hannah, did not appear ready to begin talking any time soon.

  ‘I think it’s wonderful,’ said Akira as she bit into her burger. Globules of sauce and cheese oozed out, running down her fingers and dripping onto her plate. Rusty grimaced. Tonight, her black T-shirt had an illustration of a man with wings on it, and the words above it read Led Zeppelin. She smiled her angelic smile at Rusty and wiped sauce from her chin with a napkin.

  ‘Your English is improving, Akira,’ Rusty told her. Akira beamed even further, but before she could respond, Maximilian continued.

  ‘Do you think Nader will make a good teacher?’ he asked. ‘I mean, he is a very smart cat, don’t get me wrong, but is that enough?’

  ‘Nader will be fine,’ Shelby said, picking up another slice of pizza. ‘I mean, who wouldn’t want a talking cat for a teacher? Especially one who plays the violin and gets research published in la-di-da smart-person magazines. Plus, he’s very cute with all that fluffy fur and his little squished-in face. A real cutie-patootie.’ She poked her pizza at Maximilian with a grin. ‘Though I wouldn’t say that to his face! Can you imagine him as a Fluffy? Hey, I wonder if Porky can go to Nader’s new school when we go back to the States? I mean, it’s going to be in New York, but maybe my dads can work something out. You never know, right?’

  Shelby took another bite of pizza and Porky squeaked loudly, staring at it with an open mouth. His pink nosed quivered. Shelby had given him a bowl of hay, but he ignored it. He stood on his hind legs and reached his tiny front paws towards Shelby’s cheesy meal, his belly wobbling with the effort. He squeaked again.

  ‘I agree with Shelby for once,’ Braithwaite chimed in. He’d finished his hot chips and was sitting back from the table, his legs crossed at the ankle. ‘Nader’s cool. He’s a talking cat. It’s awesome.’ He shrugged. ‘What do you think, Australian?’

  Everyone stared at Rusty and he blushed. ‘I . . . ah, I like Nader,’ he said, hoping someone else would say something so he could just sit quietly.

  ‘Mmmm. This pizza is really good!’ Shelby announced again. ‘I’m not even joking anymore, Braithwaite. I would definitely marry this pizza.’

  ‘MORE!’

  The word came from the table, high-pitched and squeaky.

  ‘MORE! MORE! MORE!’

  ‘Porky!’ screamed Shelby, dropping the pizza, picking up the guinea pig and kissing his fat, furry face. ‘You spoke! What a clever little piggy-wiggy you are! He spoke, everyone. Did you hear him? My smart little pig.’

  ‘MORE!’ Porky said again. He seemed as surprised as anyone to have spoken. ‘MORE.’ He wriggled in Shelby’s arms, trying to reach the pizza.

  ‘Oh, you want some pizza, do you? Maybe just this once. Just a tiny piece, you amazing little piggy. You deserve it.’ She put Porky down and tore off a thumb-sized strip of pizza and set it on the table in front of him. He immediately started nibbling the end of it, appearing very pleased with himself.

  ‘More,’ he said between bites.

  Shelby laughed and stood up. ‘No more. But I’ll get you a big bowl of fruit, OK?’ She skipped over to the buffet table and began piling cherries and strawberries into a bowl.

  Rusty pushed his own meal away, no longer hungry. Opposite him, Maximilian put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands with a sigh. They glanced at one another, then averted their eyes.

  Just two of us now, Rusty thought. Only two children whose pets aren’t talking.

  Rusty glanced at Hannah, who had slept through Shelby’s squeals. An oblivious Bongo continued to chew a worm that squirmed vigorously even as it hung out of his mouth. ‘We might take that to go, hey, Bongo?’ he said quietly as he scooped his lizard up in one hand and picked up the bowl with the other, pushing his chair back from the table.

  ‘Are you OK, Rusty?’ Akira noticed him stand and stood up too. She looked at him with so much pity he couldn’t bear it. The others were still chatting about Porky’s breakthrough.

  ‘Thanks, Akira, I’m fine. Just a bit tired.’

  She smiled. Sora had been sitting on the crystal chandelier above them and now flew down to perch on Akira’s shoulder. Hannah opened one eye at the sound and kept it trained on the little budgerigar. Rusty realised the cat might not be quite as oblivious as he had previously thought.

  ‘Kashikoi,’ Sora said, looking at Bongo, but Akira shook her head gently at him and he was silent.

  ‘I’m sure I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep.’

  ‘I hope so, Rusty,’ Akira replied.

  Rusty turned away from the table and headed for the door with Bongo. Behind them, the children laughed as Porky squeaked out, ‘More!’ and Bismarck replied, ‘Smells good!’

  Rusty couldn’t muster a smile. Though he still loved Bongo, Rusty couldn’t help but feel disappointed. ‘Maybe Dad was right and lizards just aren’t meant to talk,’ he said as they climbed the stairs to their room. ‘Those clever pigs really will fly before you talk to me, Bongo.’

  CHAPTER 41

  HUMANS ARE THE WEIRDEST CREATURES

  ‘OK, everyone, your attention please.’

  Miss Einstein had asked the children to meet the next morning in a classroom on the Orwell Floor. ‘Children, you and your pets have been doing so well.’ Miss Einstein smiled at them. ‘I thought today, as the second-last day of your school week here, you mi
ght like to learn something a little different.’

  Today Miss Einstein’s hair was piled up on top of her head in a messy beehive. She’d wrapped a green scarf around it and tied it into a bow. She wore a pink and blue floral pantsuit with white hi-top sneakers. Nader was beside her, sitting, as usual, on a high stool and peering at them over the end of his little snub nose.

  The children sat at normal school desks, their pets on the tables in front of them or sitting by their sides. Akira sat at the table beside Rusty’s, and he watched Sora as the little budgerigar hopped around on the desk in front of her, tweeting occasionally.

  Rusty yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. He’d slept restlessly, woken in the early hours after a nightmare. He’d been standing in front of his class at Gundarra South Public School as the students laughed and jeered at him. Miss Chester had appeared with her three cats, and they all — cats included — chanted, ‘Failure! Failure!’ over and over. Miss Chester had cackled like a witch and then, in her highest-pitched voice, said, ‘See, I told you! Princess, Bubbles and Professor Fluffypants should have been at that school; not you and your stupid lizard, Rusty Mulligan.’

  He’d woken up sweating.

  But, looking at Maximilian now, Rusty thought the German boy’s night must have been worse. Maximilian’s unbuttoned vest gaped open and his tie hung loose. His shoulders were hunched, his eyes bloodshot. He didn’t appear to have even brought his pen or notepad to class. And the boy could barely look at Hannah. Not that the ginger and white cat seemed perturbed. She’d slipped away from him and sat on a table by herself in the morning sunshine, grooming her fur and keeping one eye on Sora’s movements. She appeared supremely relaxed, but Rusty had a feeling that if the little bird flew too close, Hannah would be ready.

  ‘OK, everybody,’ Miss Einstein continued. ‘Today we are going to learn about the psychology of humans.’

  What on earth does that mean?

  ‘You are probably wondering what on earth that means,’ Miss Einstein said as if she’d read Rusty’s mind.

  Rusty glanced at Maximilian, sure the clever boy would put his hand up and offer to tell them, but he was too busy glaring at Hannah. He muttered under his breath, ‘Dummkopf!’

  Miss Einstein continued. ‘Nader, as a non-human, perhaps you could explain?’

  ‘Certainly, Miss Einstein,’ Nader said. ‘Well, as you can imagine, animals and humans do not see the world in the same way. What might seem perfectly normal to you, as a human, might appear downright bizarre or confusing to a dog, or a guinea pig, or a lizard.’ Nader gestured to each animal as he named them. ‘Likewise, many humans don’t understand why animals act in certain ways. Why a dog wags his tail, for example, or why a cat purrs. Most humans assume that both those animal behaviours are because the animal is happy.’

  Nader looked at them meaningfully, then shook his head. ‘Not so.’

  ‘Really?’ asked Braithwaite sceptically. ‘What does it mean then?’

  ‘It means, my noble friend, the animal wants to make you feel happy. Pets are conditioned to make their owners happy. Yes, even cats,’ he added with a sigh.

  ‘What do they do when they are actually happy, then?’ asked Shelby.

  ‘No two animals are the same, Miss Shelby,’ Nader admonished her. ‘I mean, what you do when you are happy will be different to Akira here, or Maximilian, won’t it?’

  ‘I guess so,’ Shelby said. ‘But I smile when I’m happy. Or laugh. Lots of other humans do those things when they are happy.’

  ‘Very good.’ Nader smiled in approval. ‘You are right. There are some things most animals do when they are happy. And, you might be surprised to learn, they aren’t so different to humans.’ He paused before clarifying. ‘They smile, and they laugh.’

  The children looked at one another.

  ‘What? I’ve never seen Bismarck laugh.’ Braithwaite sounded doubtful, and he looked down at his dog, who had, miracle of miracles, fallen asleep.

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ Nader asked him. ‘Are there times when he makes a little “woof-woof” sound just quietly, when he’s particularly relaxed, maybe well-fed and lying in the sun somewhere on a winter’s day? Or Maximilian, maybe you’ve just given Hannah a particularly tasty meal of leftover fish and, as she’s licked her lips, for a split second you thought she grinned at you. Those, children, are the moments cats and dogs show you their true happiness.’

  The children were silent as they thought back, trying to remember if they’d seen their pets smiling and laughing.

  ‘Do lizards wink?’ Rusty blurted.

  Nader peered at him with a tilted head. The other children turned to stare and Rusty grew hot. ‘Your lizard winked at you, you say?’ Nader clarified.

  ‘Well, yes, I thought so. Just once.’

  ‘You must have a very strong bond with your lizard, young man.’ Nader smiled. ‘To catch a glimpse of his sense of humour that way, before he’s learned to speak . . . well, that shows there is great trust and understanding between a person and a pet.’

  Rusty looked down at Bongo, who had closed his eyes, enjoying the sun on his scales. Was Nader right? He very much hoped so. Perhaps Miss Einstein was right. Maybe Bongo just needed to learn at his own pace.

  ‘We teach animals about the psychology of humans,’ Nader continued, ‘so our students understand some of the strange things you humans do. Well, they appear strange to animals, at any rate. The main things most pets do not understand about humans include the following . . .’ He began to list them. ‘Why humans feed us only once a day but have at least three meals a day themselves. Why they insist on making us do silly and completely useless tricks, like sitting and rolling over. Why humans go out all day and leave their pets alone when they say they love them. Why humans don’t eat the best part of food, like bones. Why they sit on a lounge and stare at moving figures on a box instead of having fun outside. And lastly,’ here he paused and looked at Miss Einstein pointedly, ‘why they give their pets such ridiculous names. I mean, really! Fluffy? What were you thinking?’

  The children sat open-mouthed as Miss Einstein and Nader stared at one another. Then, as one, the cat with the squished-in face and the crazy-haired woman broke into laughter. Miss Einstein even snorted a couple of times. Rusty could see what Nader had meant about feline laughter. The cat was obviously laughing — but he also sounded like he was coughing up a fur ball.

  ‘Now, as an exercise, I would like you to talk to your pet about why you do those things,’ Miss Einstein continued, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. ‘I know not all animals here are talking yet and the others are in the early stages of learning to talk, but this is still a valuable lesson in communication. So, please, find a space and start that conversation.’

  As the children and their pets moved to find a space in the room, Maximilian grumbled to himself, ‘Quatsch!’

  ‘Is there a problem, Maximilian?’ asked Miss Einstein.

  ‘It’s Hannah!’ he wailed. ‘She won’t talk and I don’t know why!’

  ‘She will speak when she is ready, Maximilian. They all do.’

  ‘But she’s smart! I’m smart! She should have been the first animal here to talk.’ He turned to his cat, who had closed her eyes. ‘Why aren’t you talking, Hannah? Why?’ His voice almost broke on the last word.

  Hannah rolled over and opened her eyes. She sat up on the table, looked directly at Maximilian and sighed. ‘Oh, Max, of course I can talk. I learned to talk the first day I arrived at this school. The thing is, I don’t really want to talk. I’m not like you. Or Nader. I’m not a high achiever. I’d prefer to sleep in the sun than learn philosophy. Please, I beg you, let me be.’

  Maximilian’s eyes almost popped out of his head. ‘You can talk! Hannah, that’s amazing. I knew it! I knew you were smart!’ He began laughing hysterically, slapping the table in front of him. The children stared from him to Hannah in shock. Between chortles, Maximilian glanced up and noticed their open mouths. His g
uffaws slowed, then stopped.

  After a moment, he pulled himself together, sitting up and re-knotting his tie, smiling at them in a chastened but still proud sort of way. Hannah lay back down as if she’d done nothing out of the ordinary. Maximilian stood up and walked over to his cat. He rubbed her under the chin and she stretched out. ‘I’m sorry, Hannah,’ he said softly. ‘You can do whatever you like. I apologise for being so angry.’ Hannah didn’t reply, but her chest rose and fell evenly. Maximilian’s expression grew soft. ‘Gutes Mädchen,’ he whispered.

  Rusty looked down and found Bongo staring back up at him. The lizard opened his mouth and for a long second Rusty thought he might say something too. But then Bongo blinked and the moment passed. Rusty managed a smile. ‘We’ll have you talking in no time, Bongo,’ he said, but he wasn’t at all sure he believed it.

  CHAPTER 42

  RUSTY MULLIGAN CALLS HIS FATHER

  ‘Miss Einstein, can I see you for a moment?’

  Leaving Bongo — asleep again — on his desk, Rusty walked up to the teacher as the other children left the classroom. Maximilian and Hannah were back on good terms now, with the boy carrying the dozing cat in his arms as he headed out the door. Nader leaped from the stool and sauntered out of the room with a chatty Shelby, who quizzed him about how often guinea pigs laughed and what exactly they found funny.

  ‘Yes, Rusty, of course.’

  ‘Could I call my father? It’s just . . . I’m a little homesick.’

  Miss Einstein smiled. ‘Certainly. Use my phone. I’ll wait outside.’ She handed him her mobile and left the room.

  Rusty tapped his father’s number into the screen and waited as it rang. It sounded tinny and far away. He had no idea what time it was in Australia, or if his father was at work. Perhaps he’d be angry Rusty called.

  ‘Hello. Who’s this?’ The line was crackly and his dad sounded grumpy, but Rusty’s heart felt lighter the second he heard his voice.