the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I reached down and undid his buckle, then his jeans, and pushed them down his hips. He leant down and finished the job for me, stepping out of them. As he stood up straight, he lifted me up as easily as if we were dancing. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled myself closer to him. On some level, it was kind of disgusting – I mean, it was Casper Drake, and I knew the amount of girls he hooked up with…and I was yet another one now – but it was also exhilarating. I felt more free and more alive than I had in my whole life. Most of the time, I was sure I hated Casper. But, Jesus, his kiss was like fire and the feel of it on my neck gave me goose bumps.

  I kissed him senseless, feeling a flush creep through my body, despite my wet skirt. My hands went everywhere they could reach. No straight girl – hell, few straight guys, probably – at school would look at Casper and not drool a little, or daydream about the feel of his body under their hands. His years of dancing had given him a killer body. And, as much as he frustrated me, I was no different. But, to actually have that feeling now, all mine, was intoxicating. And, that was coming from the girl who knew she was already quite intoxicated.

  Casper lay me down on the bed, his lips not leaving mine, and his hand gripping my hip firmly.

  Shit, it was incredibly sexy. Everything about the situation was sexy. It was me and Casper. It shouldn’t have been. But, it was and damn it was sexy.

  Casper’s usual scent was smokier and I could taste that smokiness on his lips as they devoured me. His hands were strong and sure, and the inherent protectiveness that Casper Drake had exuded my whole life was only intensified. He kissed me like a guy who knew what he wanted and what he wanted was me.

  A part of me expected to feel like I was just the right girl in the right place at the right time, but I didn’t. And, something felt way too right about kissing him. But, I didn’t worry about what that meant. I didn’t let myself remember this was my brother’s best friend. I blocked everything else out and I just enjoyed it.

  As Casper kissed down my neck, his hand slid down to my skirt. Suddenly, he looked down then back at me.

  “That is a huge safety pin,” he said, looking at me like I was some kind of sadomasochist and it kind of excited him.

  “Do you need help with that, Cas?” I bit my lip to stop myself laughing.

  He groaned, his warm green gaze focussed on my lips. “Fuck, you’re so sexy. You know that?”

  “Oh, I know it. But, I’m surprised you do,” I countered.

  “Oh, I know it,” he growled.

  He pulled my leg around his waist, sliding me down the bed, and I squealed with surprised laughter. Casper nuzzled into my neck possessively, his hips pressing into mine in a way that doused my laughter and made me sigh. His hands gripped me harder and something subtly shifted between us.

  I took his face in my hands and pressed my body against his, kissing him hard but slowly, sensually. His fingers deftly undid my skirt, safety pin and all, and skimmed over my undies. Which were off, along with my bra and his boxers, before I knew it. I was too busy lost in the sensation of him to pay much mind to the details.

  Casper pulled away to look into my eyes and a moment of panic and wonder flitted through my head. This was me and Casper, in bed and naked. Casper and I weren’t supposed to be in bed and naked. But, we were and I had no inclination to make it stop.

  I suddenly wondered what he was really like in bed. And, was then promptly distracted by the look of slight uncertainty that passed through his eyes.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Are you?”

  I was so okay, except for that niggle that reminded me this was Casper Drake. I promptly told it to shut up because I wanted to do this regardless of everything between us. Or maybe because of…

  I nodded as I reached up to kiss him and there was some momentary awkward fumbling between us. We locked eyes again as he settled inside me and I saw fire like I’d never seen in his eyes, and it warmed me in an almost disconcerting way.

  He kissed me as he started moving. It was slow, sensual, nothing like any other time or anything I’d have expected from him. Casper was amazing in bed, pure and simple. Girls talked about him at school all the time, but I’d always thought they loved the idea of him more than he was actually pleasing. Not that I’d ever found a guy actually pleasing.

  Before Casper.

  As corny as it sounds, he moved with me like we were made for each other. Every strong, sure, deep thrust only brought me closer to the edge and it was all I could do to hang on to him. Through my lust-induced haze, I heard him say my name and I couldn’t help but say his in return. He held me close, lavishing me with kisses until I realised we were both panting hard. Moans escaped me unconsciously as I felt the pleasure coiling tight in me.

  Casper thrust faster, harder, and the coil snapped. Pleasure crashed through me. My head fell back and I couldn’t stop myself from crying out. I might have cried his name, or I might have just moaned. I couldn’t tell. I was lost to him. As I was still riding the last of the wave, I felt him tense and he grunted softly. He kissed me gently as he thrust a couple more times, then he pulled away to look at me.

  “Fuck…Angel…” He was breathing heavily and looking at me in wonder.

  “Casper…”

  I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t slept with as many people as he had, but no one else had been anything like that. No one else had felt, physically or mentally, that…amazing was the only word I could think of that summed it up. I was sated in a way I never knew was possible, but every fibre of my being was alert, awakened by Casper.

  Shit, Casper Drake… I just slept with Casper Drake…

  Panic set in. Panic that probably should have been more vocal much earlier.

  Quite aside from the fact that – if my older brother found out – I wasn’t sure what kind of world of pain Casper was in for, I wasn’t going to be getting off – ha! – easily either. Brett had made no secret of the fact that anyone, let alone Casper, was to go nowhere near me in that regard. I don’t think anyone ever actually thought it was a possibility…before now… But, our mums had seemed to hint the idea would be sweet once or twice and Brett had had a few choice words about it every time!

  Not that I was stupid enough to let my heart get involved. This had been simply physical, a by-product of the recent flirtation not helped by an emotional week and a couple too many drinks. And, as far as Brett was concerned, it hadn’t happened at all. It hadn’t happened and my heart was safe from the likes of his best friend.

  Not that Brett Granger was any better than Casper when it came down to it…

  Oh my God, you’ll think of anything to avoid this, won’t you?

  “Angel?” Casper asked, sounding concerned and jolting me from my manic, drunken, stoned thoughts.

  “Sorry, just cold. I’m going to shower…” I said, sliding out from under him and pulling a blanket around me.

  I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, the blanket still wrapped around me protectively.

  What have you done, you idiot? I asked myself.

  Had the best sex of your life is what, a very masochistic part of myself replied.

  “Angel…” I heard Casper say and I looked up, catching his reflection in the mirror.

  He was completely naked and completely sexy. His hair was ruffled and it only made me want him more. No matter what was running through my head, my body refused to forget how he’d made me feel. And it shamelessly wanted it again and again.

  Casper walked up behind me and put his arms around my stomach, his nose in my hair.

  “Angel, I’m sorry. If you’re worried about the protection, I–”

  God, I hadn’t even thought about the fact that we’d just been two typical drunk, horny teenagers being totally irresponsible. But, honestly, that was not my issue right now. Even as the evidence that we’d forgotten a condom started to dribble down my leg. I clenched in the hopes I could ho
ld it in until he left and I could clean up.

  I scoffed. “That is the least of my worries.”

  “What? How–”

  “I’m clean, I know you’re clean–”

  “How do you know I’m...?” He turned me to face him. “That’s hardly the only problem here, Angel?”

  I couldn’t look him in the eye and the fact he was so much taller than me meant it wasn’t hard to avoid eye contact. “Cleanliness aside, I’ve been on the pill for nearly four years. So…that’s…fine,” I finished lamely, feeling super uncomfortable. Casper Drake may well be about to find out he wasn’t my first and that was not a conversation I looked forward to…

  “So… I wasn’t…?” he paused.

  I didn’t think he was feeling like he’d lost out or anything. In fact, knowing Casper, he was sort of relieved he hadn’t drunkenly taken my virginity. But, that didn’t mean the realisation that I hadn’t been a virgin was pleasing to him.

  I cleared my throat. “Uh, not so much…”

  “Who the fuck was it? Because I’ll rip him apart!” he growled.

  “None of your damned business!” God, if he found out…

  “It is if he forced you at twelve, Lani…”

  Finally, I did look up at him. But, it wasn’t because I detected a hint of jealousy or disapproval in his tone. “Preventing pregnancy is not the only reason a girl goes on the pill, arsehole.”

  He nodded like he didn’t really want to talk about it, but he felt he had to. “So, it wasn’t that early?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not an idiot. There was other protection involved.”

  “And, us…”

  “Us?”

  “You haven’t missed any?” He seemed genuinely worried he’d just knocked up his best friend’s little sister.

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Casper! I get an injection, nothing to miss. Even if we had been reckless during the small window of opportunity, that window is sealed shut at present. No one’s ruining your life any time soon. Or, at least, I won’t be.”

  Casper cupped my cheek and frowned at me. “No, Angel, I would never…”

  I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Point is moot, Casper. We’re in the clear.”

  “Okay, so I’m not the big bad who stole your virginity and I didn’t get you pregnant. Then, what’s the problem?”

  “Who says there’s a problem?” I asked, starting to turn away, but he wouldn’t let me go.

  “As you have made an effort to point out, we’ve known each other forever. I know you. If you’re not worried I forgot a condom–”

  “Casper, it takes two you know. It’s not all on you.”

  His face was hard and his eyes flashed. “As much as I appreciate that, Leilani, what the hell is the matter?”

  “What’s the matter? What’s the matter! How about the fact we just had sex, Casper!” I yelled.

  “What the hell is so wrong with that? It’s not like anyone forced either of us.”

  No, neither of us were in any way forced. Quite the opposite. Unless you count a momentary lapse of good judgment and a flood of hormones as force.

  I threw my hands in the air, coming close to losing the blanket around my body, which I scrabbled to keep from falling to the floor.

  “Yeah, like I haven’t seen it all already,” he scoffed sarcastically.

  I growled in frustration, but ignored the comment. “What is wrong is that we are quite possibly the only two people in the world who should never,” I waved my hands around, “be like that.”

  Casper looked at me blankly, but I was sure anger was simmering away nicely just under the surface. “What did you expect after this last week? Or, was I the only one paying attention? That was fucking fantastic!”

  My face scrunched up in annoyance. “Physical attraction isn’t everything.”

  He scoffed. “No, but what we just did with it was. You can’t tell me you don’t want to do that again. As often as possible.”

  God, he was right, but that was hardly the point.

  “Casper, come on,” I sighed. “People like us should not sleep together.”

  “People like…?”

  “Us, yes. People who barely get along on a good day. I make no effort to hide the fact I despise your lack of morals, to say nothing of the fact that you don’t respect any girl you sleep with – so what does that say about me?” I laughed self-depreciatingly, but ploughed on. “And, you hate how you think I keep myself closed off. You – who knows the real me – thinks despite the outer visage that I’m a snobbish prude!”

  “Right, firstly, that,” he pointed out to the bed, “is not the kind of sex a snobbish prude has and I have never thought anything like that. Secondly, not respect you? Fuck that, Angel. That is a terrible excuse–”

  “You know it’s true!”

  “It fucking is not!” Casper spat. “How could I not respect you? I’ve watched you grow up and get through every shit thing that you’ve been put through. I watched you be your family’s rock through Jonny, Dad’s health problems, not to mention Brett’s issues! Hell, you’ve been my rock through it all, Angel! I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. Does that mean nothing?”

  God, of course it didn’t mean nothing. Casper had practically fallen apart through the worst of Brett’s depression after Jonny’s death; despite the mask he thought he wore, I saw it. Unable to do anything to help his best friend, sitting on the outside, watching as Brett suffered in silence because he wouldn’t admit he was hurting. Casper and I had spent a lot of time in the early days just hanging out.

  That was, of course, before he became the arrogant, flirtatious, man-whore we all knew so well these days. Back then, I’d glimpsed true emotion and caring. But it was somewhere deep down inside him, so far even he probably didn’t know it existed, and Brett was the only one who even came close to reaching it. No one else was coming close and I wasn’t going to risk burning myself to try.

  “The fact we were there for each other in the past does not change the fact we can barely stand each other now.”

  “That’s not what our bodies just said.”

  “Casper, there is nothing healthy in us having sex. And, I am so not going to be one of the girls at your beck and call.”

  And, I wasn’t. I didn’t care if we had the most amazing sex, I was not going to leave here with some unspoken understanding that it could happen again anytime he had time for me. Because, no matter what he said, that’s what it would be. I’d be reduced to a number in his phone that he called when no one else was available. And, I’m sorry, but mind-blowing sex isn’t really enough for me to abandon my albeit meagre morals – although, I can’t deny I was sorely tempted.

  “It wouldn’t have to be like that, Angel,” he said, his tone almost pleading.

  God, I was so tempted. My stupid, traitorous body was more than happy to not let me forget how he made me feel. But, I wasn’t going to be one of those girls…

  “You can have tonight, Drake,” I said finally, surprising us both. “You and me. Tonight.” He broke into a huge grin. “But! When the sun comes up, no matter what we have or haven’t done, that’s it. No more, and our families stay oblivious!”

  Tomorrow. Tomorrow I wasn’t going to be one of those girls. Tonight, I wanted to be. I wanted to forget the shit and be close to him again. I wanted to lose myself in him.

  He nodded, still grinning widely. “All right, Angel.”

  I rolled my eyes at his enthusiasm. “Good. Now, will you let me shower?” I asked, checking the temperature of the still running water. I dropped the blanket and got in. When Casper followed me, his hands all over me, I glared at him. “You right?”

  “Oh, perfect. But, if I only get one night, you can be sure I’m not going to let you out of my sight,” he practically purred as he pressed me against the wall and nuzzled into my neck.

  He lifted my leg around his waist and held one arm against the wall above my head
as he entered me again. There was nothing slow or sensual about it, but it was just as pleasurable as before and I buried my face in his shoulder to stop myself screaming as I came hard.

  At least the shower made for easy clean up.

  After the shower, I hung our clothes around the room in the hopes they’d dry before morning. When I was done, I found him sitting on the couch, staring into the fire with a seriously pensive look on his face. I didn’t want to know what was going through his mind – especially if it had anything to do with me. So, in an effort to take his mind off whatever was bothering him, I straddled him and kissed him. Needless to say, he wasn’t pensive for long. Neither did our towels stay on for long…

  Deciding it was not a night for talk, we did nothing but kiss for what seemed like hours, interspersed with the occasional whiskey, until his fingers slid between my legs and he proved he was just as expert with other appendages. Then, we kissed again, somehow finding ourselves on the floor in front of the fire, and his mouth slid down my body and he licked me out until I was moaning his name.

  I had no idea when the music had stopped in the house, but there was nothing but birds outside by the time Casper pulled some pillows onto the floor with us, and a blanket, and kissed me gently. We finished the night – totally corny and just a little bit weirdly romantic – having seriously amazing sex in front of the fire where he made me come twice before he finally let himself go.

  Casper rolled off me somewhat hesitantly, we cleaned up lazily, and he held me close.

  “You’re amazing, Angel,” he whispered, kissing my shoulder.

  I laughed softly. “Compliments won’t give you any more time, Drake.”

  He chuckled. “As much as I love your body and what it does to me, I was referring to more than that. When I look at you, I see a strong, intelligent, beautiful young woman who I respect more than I respect myself. Because I do respect you, Leilani Granger. I respect you so much, it scares me.”

  His voice had become a mere whisper now and I had to strain to hear him. His breathing was steadying and I had the feeling he was falling asleep. I didn’t know what to say, but I squeezed his hand gently, to which he responded in kind.