by Alisa Adams
Bryan noticed that her tone was flat and lacked excitement.
“Ye dinnae sound tae pleased with the prospect,” he said.
“I feel guilty for saying so, but my husband was chosen by my uncle. I have no idea what this man even looks like. This is perhaps the most momentous decision of my life and it has been decided without any input from me.” She sighed. “I know I should be grateful that I even have the opportunity to marry such a man as Lord Ralls, but I cannot summon anything in my heart but dread. I know things would have been different if I had been given a choice. Sometimes I wish I had no family at all and that I would be free as the wind.”
“Ye dinnae wish that lass,” Bryan said. Catherine tilted her head towards him inquisitively. “I hae naebody, and it is the worst thing in the world. My ma died when I was young, and since my da died I hae been wandering about the Highlands, searching for a place tae gae, never knowing where I am gaeing tae end up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. My mother died as well, a long time ago.”
“I never got tae know mine.”
“I remember mine, the way she smiled and laughed. I suppose I should cherish those memories.”
“And ye hae the pictures. She was beautiful. Ye look just like her.”
Catherine smiled sweetly. “A lot of people say that, although I don’t think I could ever be as beautiful as her. But yes, those pictures are like ghosts that haunt the house. Sometimes I wish my father would take some of them down. I know that sounds horrible of me, but sometimes this house feels like a tomb.”
“Perhaps if we switched lives for a wee while we might be able to enjoy what we hae more,” Bryan chuckled.
Catherine reached over and placed her hand on his, squeezing his palm lightly.
“What is your story Bryan? How is it that a man like you comes across my path? I know that you are no commoner. That sword you wield was not a common sword. Where are you from?”
“I am naebody, but once upon a time my family name was revered in the Highlands. But my ancestors fell tae naething and our home was taken from us. I wish tae restore the pride in my name, but I dinnae know how. The sword is the only thing I hae from that time. I am nae laird, nae like ye husband-tae-be.”
It brought him great shame to be honest with her, but he wanted to be honest. However, he was still keeping his other mission a secret. They only had a few days together before she was to be married and Bryan knew that he would never see her again after that. Afterwards, he could kill her uncle and then it didn’t matter what happened to him. He might be able to flee, or he may be imprisoned. Either way, his life had been nothing before her and he was sure it would be nothing afterwards.
But her next words changed everything.
“Being a lord isn’t everything. I know that perhaps I sound spoiled because I’m aware my position is privileged and there are a hundred girls who would love to swap positions with me, but sometimes I long to be just a normal girl, able to do as I wish whenever I wish. There are few things I enjoy more than simply being in nature, enjoying God’s work. I have no mind for political schemes and the thought of living in London away from the beautiful countryside fills me with horror. I fear that the life that has been chosen for me will not suit me, but I cannot flee from it.”
“Why nae?”
Catherine looked at him blankly, as though she had never considered the possibility before. She turned her head away and gazed into the distance before shaking her head.
“No…no I could not do that to my family. I am the only chance at securing a legacy for my family…to increase their influence. I know my duty. It has been laid out for me ever since I was born. This is what I must do even though…” she looked up at Bryan. Her mouth formed an O and she let out a sharp gasp. “Oh…Bryan…”
She hung her head and Bryan wasn’t sure what to say. She placed her head in her hands and her red hair fell down through her fingers like a river of fire.
“Perhaps I should nae hae come,” he said. Her head snapped up.
“No, no Bryan I’m glad you’re here. I must confide that I had not been able to stop thinking of you, but the timing. Do you ever feel as though your life is splitting into two paths, as though there are two destinies for you, and no matter which one you pick, somebody will get hurt?”
Bryan wasn’t sure that he had, but he nodded anyway.
“I know that my family would never approve of me sitting here with you, but you came all this way for me and I know that there is something between us. I can talk to you as I can talk to nobody aside from Betsy, and I’ve never had that with anyone. Is this really real Bryan? Are you sure this is not a dream?”
“It feels like it sometimes Catherine, but I am here,” he took her hand and circled his thumb against her palm. “I dinnae ken what I hoped tae happen, but I knew I had tae see ye. I…I hae never felt this way about a lass before. What if ye did flee? What would happen?”
“I can’t believe I’m even thinking about it,” Catherine said, and Bryan noticed how she trembled with excitement. “I suppose my father and uncle would send as many men as they could to track me down. I don’t think I would get very far, sadly.”
“Maybe an English lass and a Highlander are never meant tae be taegether,” Bryan said despondently. He exhaled deeply and he too looked forward, wondering if perhaps it had been too painful to come all this way just to have his heart broken. Had he really been foolish enough to think that anything positive could have come from this? He should have stayed in the Highlands where he belonged, and yet the pull towards Catherine was inexorable. Even now he was sitting beside her he still felt the irresistible pull, as though even the force of the world wasn’t going to be enough to tear them apart, and yet circumstance seemed to deem it impossible for them to be together. There was nothing more he wanted than to take her into his arms and share in the bliss of her kiss, to taste her cherry lips and feel her sink into him, but he had to hold himself back. She was to be married to another. It was yet another glimpse of a life that he could never have.
Catherine chewed on her lower lip and ran her hand fretfully through her hair. In that moment it was as though the two of them were together in all the world, as if nothing else mattered, but other things did matter, unfortunately.
“What would…what would you say if things were different? If I wasn’t due to be married to Lord Ralls, if I wasn’t the lady of this estate?”
“I would…I would ask ye for a walk, and I would get tae know ye, and I would eventually kiss ye, because I dinnae think I would be able tae stop myself from kissing ye.”
Catherine looked up and met his gaze evenly. The air around them simmered and Bryan could feel himself bristling with tension. Breath caught in his throat and his mind grew hazy. Looking at her seemed to numb him. He had seen pretty girls before, but none were like Catherine. Her beauty was more than skin deep. There was some kind of special energy about her, something that he was becoming quickly attuned to, and he was sure that nobody else would be able to appreciate her like he could.
“Do it,” she asked. Bryan hesitated, almost not believing what he heard. But the hesitation lasted only a moment because he couldn’t deny himself the pleasure, even though it would only give him more torture. He tilted his head and leaned forward. Their lips met and their breath mingled and suddenly he was lost in a new world. He drowned in her. His heart blazed and it felt as though he was being consumed by fire from the inside. His blood swam with arousal and he sank into her body, feeling her arms wrap around his neck. He felt the softness of her hair and the warmth of her pliable lips. His hand slipped around her narrow waist and when he squeezed she let out a quiet whimper.
And then the kiss ended as quickly as it had begun. They stared at each other, both of them knowing that they had shared something special, something that couldn’t be denied. Catherine’s hand rose to her mouth and she blinked slowly. Both of them were helpless against their forbidden feelings. They knew that nothing could
happen, and yet neither could turn away from each other.
“How many days dae we hae?” Bryan said.
“A few,” Catherine replied. There were tears in her eyes and she immediately began to sob. She fell against Bryan’s strong body and his arms wrapped around her. “Oh Bryan, what are we to do? I do not want to deny what I feel in my heart, but I don’t feel I can fight against the nature of my destiny. But you…you are so sweet and kind. You are everything I imagined a man to be. You came all this way. You put yourself at risk and these things I feel…I cannot imagine feeling them about anyone else.”
“Neither can I,” Bryan said. His feelings were mixed. He didn’t know which of them had it worse; he was used to being alone and he could wander the world for eternity. That’s what he was used to, but Catherine would have to feign love with another man and raise a family, always keeping the secret of her forbidden love. He held her close and kissed her head, trying not to think of how their lives had to spin apart. But they still had a few days.
“Catherine,” he said; he liked the way her name sounded on his lips. “We still hae a few days. By then, perhaps ye will find ye hate me.”
“No Bryan, no, I could never hate you,” she said, resting her hand upon his chest. He placed a hand on her cheek and brushed the light dusting of freckles with the outside of his fingers before he tilted his head forward and sipped a kiss from the nectar of her lips again. He felt her tremble as the pain and anguish threatened to consume her. They stayed there in silence. Neither of them wanted to leave, for they knew that if they went back to reality their fantasy would crack and shatter. Here, in this shaded arch, they could pretend that they could be together.
Eventually though, they had to leave. They caressed each other one final time before Bryan helped Catherine get back on the horse and led her through the gardens. He was back to being a mute, but they had an unspoken bond that allowed them to share their thoughts. They communicated in sudden glances and soft smiles, and somehow both knew what the other was thinking.
It was with sadness that Bryan wasn’t able to kiss her goodbye, but the taste of her lingered on his lips and he was glad for this. The memory of her remained strong, and the imprint of her was left in his arms, just as it had been left in his head. His mind swam and the rest of the day went quickly, for he continually replayed the morning again and again. However, if he had wished it to be so he would have made time stand still, for although he couldn’t wait to see her again, he knew that as time turned, their time together dwindled. He knew deep down that she deserved a lord to provide her with every comfort she needed, but she was an uncommon girl and he wished he could have been able to court her properly.
With her, his insecurities vanished and it seemed as though he didn’t need to be a powerful laird or a man with wealth. He only had to be himself, and that was good enough for her.
It was amazing to him that their attraction had arisen so quickly. In the grand scheme of things they had only known each other for a short time, and yet the feelings ran deeper than any he had felt before. There was still much they needed to learn about each other, but the instinct inside of him told him that she could be trusted and that he knew all the important things already.
Bryan would never have called himself a wise man, and yet in the ways of love and people, he had some experience. On his travels he had seen all kinds of married couples and young lovers, and he knew that this feeling didn’t come along very often. It had to be cherished, and while he was not naïve enough to think that love was the only thing that mattered in the world, he did think it should be given priority over politics. He wished that Catherine was free enough to flee with him and enjoy a simple life, but it seemed as though she was determined to see her duty through, and as much as that frustrated him, he also admired it about her. She was a strong woman, with a good, determined heart.
He hoped that there would still be a way, because the more time he spent with her the more he was convinced he would not be able to live without her. While he worked for the rest of the day he enjoyed some fanciful notions of retrieving his sword from its hiding place and flashing it through the house, taking Catherine away while fighting off a hundred guards and fleeing into the Highlands with her, but even then he knew his happiness would be short-lived for she was right—her father and uncle would never allow her to be taken without a fight. They would pursue him until they tracked him down and rescued Catherine, and he would be killed on sight. There was no hope for them to enjoy a life together, and yet Bryan couldn’t imagine returning to his life without her. It seemed empty and forlorn. What use was raising a family without the woman he loved?
For the rest of the day and evening he was melancholy, and Stephen noticed his mood.
“I suppose whichever girl you were with last night decided that she’s better off with a guard? I’m sorry, but it happens that way sometimes. You’re better off focusing on your work. That’s why I like the horses so much. They never let me down.”
Bryan smiled thankfully. Stephen was a good man and Bryan wished that he could confide in Stephen properly, but there was nobody he could tell this secret to. After dinner, he walked around the grounds of the house and stopped below Catherine’s window. He looked up, wishing that she would come to the balcony, but when she didn’t he turned and walked back to his quarters, where he slipped into bed and dreamed the night away. He imagined what it would be like to be a laird. Her father wouldn’t appreciate her being courted by a Highlander, but if he had enough coin he might have been able to persuade Lord Thomas Browne that he was a worthy match, and perhaps that would be enough to convince them that she didn’t need to go to London to spread their influence.
He wondered if Lord Ralls would ever know how lucky he truly was to be given such a prize as Catherine.
Bryan’s black mood didn’t improve the following day either. He awoke feeling grumpy, and even when Catherine appeared his shoulders were slumped and he wasn’t as jovial as he had been the previous day. Now, the time they spent together was bittersweet, marred by the fact that the two of them would soon be separated. They walked to their private place again and once again sat down on the bench.
“I tried to see you last night, but I was not able to get away,” Catherine said. She leaned into him, but his kiss was a ghost of the one they had shared previously.
“What’s wrong Bryan?” she asked.
“Everything,” he lamented.
“We don’t have much time together…is this really how you want to spend it?”
“Nae, but I dinnae ken how tae dae anything else. How can I be happy knowing that ye are gaeing away soon? How can I kiss ye and love ye when I know that soon ye will be in another man’s arms? It is nae ye fault, but I cannae be happy.”
“I know Bryan. I know. It is like a dark cloud that is hovering on the horizon, foreboding and relentless. Last night I was up for all hours, trying to think of a way to get myself out of this situation, but even if I told my father that I loved another man, he would never approve.”
“Because I’m nae good enough.”
“I never said that.”
“Nae, but it’s what ye da would think. And he’d be right.” Bryan stood up. “I was a fool tae think that I could come here and enjoy ye company. I should hae stayed in the Highlands.”
“No, Bryan, please, you don’t mean that.”
Catherine stood up as well and took his hand. Bryan looked down at her hand in his. It looked so small compared to his. In many ways they were opposites. He was tall and strong, she was slender and short, always having to tilt her head back when they were standing so that she could look up at him. She was beautiful, like a smooth peaceful lake gleaming under the sun, while he was like a craggy mountain face, having been weathered by the torrential rain and wind. And yet, under the surface, they were very similar. They were both creatures of passion, both headstrong, but only one of them was in the position to follow their heart’s desires without leaving anything behind.
When they were together like this life seemed so simple and easy; he could slip his arms around her waist and pull her into him for a sweet kiss. Love blossomed around them and nothing in the world was more natural than the two of them being together, but always when they parted they knew that there were other agendas in motion. Always they knew that their time together was limited.
“It would hae been easier on ye.”
“I don’t care how painful this is. The time spent with you is worth the pain. I don’t know what is going to happen in my life, but I want to get as much happiness as I can out of it, and this makes me happy. Being with you makes me happy, and if this is the only happy moment I get then so be it. If I am on my deathbed and I can still look back to this moment and smile then it will have all been worth it.”
“But dinnae ye want a whole lifetime’s worth of happiness?”
“Yes Bryan, I do, but I don’t know what you expect me to do about it. I can’t just run away. I wish I could…but I can’t. I wish so many things were different. But things are as they are and we only have another day or so together. Please don’t make it harder than it already is. All I want is to enjoy being close with you while I can.”
She opened her arms and hugged him tightly, resting her head against the wide expanse of his chest. He squeezed her too and exhaled, kissing the top of his head. She was right; he didn’t want to ruin these fleeting moments they had together.
“I just wish we could meet somewhere other than here,” he said.
Catherine had a thoughtful look on her face.
“I’ll try and think of something. I’ll send Betsy for you tonight and you can come to my chambers. It will be private there and we can talk some more, without fear of anyone disturbing us.”
Bryan nodded and kissed her again, this time more ardently. He placed his hands against the small of her back and lifted her up on tiptoes. She grinned and giggled, and their tongues danced together as they grew more used to being with each other. But, then it had to end again, and Bryan had to return to being a mute and working in the stables.