by Alisa Adams
Since he had spent a couple of days on the Browne estate without being discovered or drawing much attention to himself, Bryan was feeling more confident that he wouldn’t be discovered. He was looking forward to the evening with Catherine, determined that he wouldn’t ruin it with his brooding mood. He enjoyed his dinner, and then afterwards Stephen came up to him.
“It seems as though Lady Catherine has taken a liking to you. I suppose she’s used to men flattering her, so it’s probably a relief to be around a man who can’t disturb her with hollow compliments,” Stephen said. “You’ve worked hard over the past couple of days and I know that you’re a hard worker. Lady Catherine will be able to take some servants with her when she’s married, and I can put in a good word for you if she asks. There might be more opportunities for you in London, and one day you could have a stable of your own.”
Bryan’s eyes lit up at this and Stephen took it for ambition, but really Bryan was more excited for something else. If that was true then he and Catherine could still be together. He waited impatiently for Betsy to arrive, and it wasn’t until very late that she came to find him and dragged him upstairs.
On the way they passed the paintings of Catherine’s mother again, and once more Bryan was astounded at how much the young girl resembled the woman in them. Betsy tipped him a wink as she knocked on Catherine’s door and then waltzed away. Catherine was waiting for him, perched on the end of her bed. She wore a white dress and smiled sweetly at him. Bryan walked in and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her with all the passion of a man who knew he only had a short time left with the woman he loved.
“I hae some exciting news,” he grinned, “I think I hae a way for us tae be taegether. Stephen told me that ye can take a few servants with ye tae ye new place, and that he’d put a good word in. If ye take me I can work in the stables of ye new home and we can stay taegether.”
“And sneak away all the time?” Catherine replied. Her face was pale and she didn’t seem to be as excited as Bryan had hoped.
“I know it is nae as we would like, but at least we could see each other.”
He took his hands in hers, but then she pulled away and went to stand by the wide doors to the balcony. She looked out at the horizon and Bryan joined her. The stars twinkled against the inky black sky, while the crescent moon rested up high.
“Always to be sneaking away, hiding our love? Is that the life you really want?”
“The life I want is with ye.”
“And you would be a stablehand all your life? No Bryan, you are not meant for that. You told me your family history and you deserve to fulfill your ambition. You are a good man and you deserve to have a family of your own and begin your own legacy, not to live your life as a mute. And I must be devoted to my husband. It would be a sin to carry this relationship on while I am married. My virtue is important to me, and when I raise children I want them to learn from my example. I have my duty.”
“Is that all ye care about?” he asked.
Catherine turned and her eyes blazed with anger.
“No Bryan, it is not all I care about. I care about you as well, deeply, but I would not want us to be half alive, half of ourselves. What use would our love be if it was hidden? I would have to lie to my husband, my children, and you would never be able to have a wife of your own. You would have to remain mute, and you have too much to offer to be silenced. You came down here in pursuit of me, and you found me, but I have given you all I can. I’m sorry. I…I wish there could have been more between us. I really do.”
Catherine’s words stung and Bryan was taken aback. All this time he had hoped that there would be some way out of this, some way for the two of them to be together, but he saw now that it had been a foolish delusion. He nodded tersely and clenched his jaw.
“Aye lass.”
“I’m sorry Bryan. I don’t want to hurt you, it's just that…my husband will be arriving tomorrow and I cannot let anything ruin the prospects for my family. I wish that I could love you in the way that you deserve to be loved. You should return to the Highlands and find a way to be happy. Perhaps you can find another farm willing to take you in. You are a good man and any woman who wins your heart is very fortunate.”
“You are the only one who has ever won my heart,” Bryan said. Catherine turned away, but she was unable to hide the crystal tears in her eyes, and eventually it became too much for her. She turned and flung her arms around Bryan again.
“I told myself I would be hard on you tonight, to make it easier for us to say goodbye. I thought I might try to get you to hate me in the hope it would be easier for you to leave.”
“I could never hate ye lass, cannae ye see that?”
“I see that now, yes. You love me truly, as I love you, but is love enough?”
They looked at each other as the impossible question hung in the air, and neither of them had the answer. Both of them knew that once they parted they would indeed be half alive, as Catherine had said. They would be forced to live as separate beings, and they knew that they could never be as fulfilled with other people as they would be with each other. They were forced to say goodbye to their love, to turn their backs on each other and walked away. Catherine was going to move down south, into the heart of England, while Bryan would return to the Highlands, to the wilderness he called his home.
They kissed and caressed each other, each of them desperate not to let the other go, yet powerless to resist the pull of fate. Every kiss was delightful in its sweetness and yet painful in its bitterness. They sank on the edge of the bed and kissed deeply, and then they exchanged sweet nothings, murmuring in each other’s ear, whispering declarations of love to each other.
Love was a powerful force and it had swept through them both with all the strength of a violent storm. It lifted them up, seized their souls, and had rendered them quite unable to think that happiness could come to them in any other way. Their passion burned as fiercely as any fire, and they were both tempted to strip each others’ clothes away. How Bryan longed to peel away her dress, to run his hands upon her exposed flesh and explore all the delights of her virginal body, but he restrained himself. Her virtue was important to her and she wanted to remain pure for her husband. How it burned, how anger twisted and coiled inside him like a snake to think that another man would get to enjoy her! She could share his heart with him, but she could not share her bed.
Bryan cupped her cheeks in his hand and kissed her sweetly, telling her that he would never forget her and that someday he would find a way to see her again.
“I will never forget you,” she said. To make sure that she didn’t he wanted to give her something, a gift, but he had nothing. He possessed no treasures and had no keepsakes, nothing except the small, rounded pebble he had found by a stream somewhere. He reached into his pouch and handed it to her.
“What’s this?” she asked, taking the pebble from him. It was smooth and grey, flecked with a few black dots that resembled the pattern of freckles resting over the bridge of her nose. She ran her thumb over it and smiled at the gesture.
“I found it by a stream. I dinnae ken why it affected my sae much, but it seemed tae be the most beautiful thing I hae ever seen, until I saw ye. I know it is nae much, but I would like ye tae hae it tae remember me by.”
“Oh Bryan, it’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, and flung her arms around him again, peppering him with sweet, soft kisses. She immediately rose and skipped over to her dresser where she placed her new keepsake in with her precious jewelry, and Bryan felt honored that his gift had such a privileged place among her things.
“I must give you something in return so that you can remember me as well,” Catherine rummaged through her things and pulled out a slim ring. It was gold, and gleamed as it caught the light of the lanterns in her room. There was a single jewel embedded in the ring.
“This was my mother’s. I always used to be fascinated by it as a child,” she held the ring up and the jewel sparkled in the light. “I wa
nt you to have it.”
“I cannae take that lass, it is far tae expensive.”
“What expense matters when it comes to love? I want this to show that you are the first man I have ever truly loved. We may not have been able to be married, but we shared something special Bryan. You are incredibly special to me and I hope that this will be proof of that. It is a token of my affection, and a reminder of my affection and love for you.”
When she returned she sat in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, placing the ring in his hand. She kissed him deeply and they stared at each other. The anger had given way in Bryan’s mind now. There was no point in being angry against the inevitable. He simply had to take joy in the fact that for a few brief days he had experienced love, and he decided that that was more than some people got in a lifetime.
“When ye are alone and ye are thinking of me, I want ye tae look up at the moon. Wherever I’ll be I’ll look up at it as well, and at least we can know we are looking at the same thing. Despite the distance between us there will still be a part of us together,” he said.
“That’s beautiful Bryan,” Catherine said, smiling sweetly.
Bryan was overwhelmed with emotion and could feel sadness swelling inside him. He rarely cried, but on this occasion he felt tears stinging his eyes and his powerful body began to shudder. He had already had to let go of everything that mattered to him. First his mother before he even knew her, then his father, and now he had to let Catherine go too. Would he ever be able to hold onto anything that he could call his own?
Catherine was sobbing too, but still tried to soothe his sadness with sweet kisses. He could feel their momentum tipping them back onto the bed, but just as they were about to fall he was interrupted by the door opening. Bryan was annoyed that the last fleeting moments they had together were being interrupted, even if it was Catherine’s friend. The two of them looked up, expecting it to be Betsy, but it wasn’t.
It was Nathaniel.
10
Catherine had been enjoying the long, languorous kisses with Bryan even though the minutes ticked away and each one led her closer to the horrible fate that was her future, a life without Bryan, who she was quite convinced she loved completely and utterly. She would have given him everything if she could, and hated how Lord Ralls was going to take everything that should have been Bryan’s. She could tell he was self-conscious about his lack of nobility, but the pebble he had given her was far more meaningful than any other gift she had received, for it was from his heart. She would keep it forever, and she too had given him a heartfelt gift, although she wondered if in time it would be placed on another woman’s finger. A man like Bryan loved deeply, but he deserved to have a happy life with a good woman who could take care of him, and it frustrated her that she couldn’t be that woman.
She had pained herself by trying to think of a way to think of a predicament, even coming up with some complicated scheme that involved somehow fooling Lord Ralls into thinking that Betsy was her, while Catherine escaped to be with Bryan.
But she knew it was foolish. It had pained her to turn down his suggestion of him coming as one of her chosen servants for he had been so excited, but Catherine didn’t want to live a deceitful life. She wanted to give her all to whatever man she married, not be torn between two loves, and the matter would only have grown more complicated when children were involved.
Each moment was more painful than the last, but she knew a love could not be sustained on stolen moments and hidden embraces. The time in her chamber would be the last they spent together, and although she knew it was wrong, she found it difficult to fight the desire to give herself to him completely. She wanted to share her virtue with him because she loved him, and when she was with him she felt an irresistible pull towards Bryan, a pull that made her want to flaunt her body and surrender all her inhibitions. When she was with him she was transformed into a being of passion, casting aside her youth and innocence for some primal, instinctive desire that she could not deny.
Would it be the same with Lord Ralls? She did not imagine so, but then again she didn’t quite know what to imagine. Even though it hurt her to be dismissive of Bryan, she had to admit that Lord Ralls might surprise her and charm her. But whatever happened, Bryan would always be the first man she loved; nothing could take that away.
But then, her Uncle Nathaniel had come into the room and no moment could be more painful than that. The two of them leaped up and she noticed how her uncle’s expression flickered. It went from confusion to anger to a sneer, and then to a cruel smile.
“You!” he yelled. Bryan stood in front of Catherine, trying to protect her, but she knew it wasn’t she who needed protecting.
“GUARDS!” Nathaniel shouted. Catherine noticed how Bryan instinctively went for his sword, but it wasn’t there. She remembered now him telling her that he had hidden it. She looked around for anything he could use as a weapon, but there was nothing in her room that could save him. The guards of the estate were trained well and responsive. They came up quickly, and held their swords aloft. Even if Bryan had been armed it was unlikely he could have fought all of them and emerged victorious.
Nathaniel glared at Catherine and then walked up to Bryan. The ugly scar was apparent on Nathaniel’s cheek. Nathaniel shot a hand out and grabbed Bryan’s cheeks, squeezing hard.
“You are a stupid fool to come here. You have given up your life and freedom, and for what?” Nathaniel gave a withering glance to Catherine, and then snorted. “Take this man away,” he ordered. Catherine wanted to scream at him, to tell him to stop, but she had no idea what to say. She had been caught with the man who had wounded him and she knew how that made her look. Bryan struggled, but he couldn’t break free and he was taken away. Catherine watched with a sinking heart, knowing that Bryan would never be free.
“Well, that was indeed something I didn’t expect to see. Another man in your chambers just days before you are to meet your husband. I hope you haven’t done anything unfortunate or foolish to jeopardize your chances,” Nathaniel said with derision. “I know how silly little girls can be.”
“I’m not a little girl. Nothing happened. You…you have no right to take him away like that!”
“Oh indeed I have every right. He is trespassing on our land, he had his hands upon you, and he has wounded me. He is a villain in every sense of the word, and I will see to it that he is punished fully.”
“You want to talk about villains? He told me what happened at that farm house, although he didn’t need to tell me. The truth was written all over the poor girl’s face. Is that what you really go up there for? You can’t get a wife yourself so you have to go and take what you want from poor farmers’ daughters?”
Her words were laced with venom and anger, but Nathaniel wasn’t going to put up with that. He glared at her and moved towards her, looming over her with a sneer. He smelled like olives and his breath was stale. His eyes were beady and dark, and when she looked into them she saw sheer horror.
“You know nothing of my life, and don’t you dare say anything to your father, or I will see to it that your life is utterly miserable. I have already chosen a husband for you, and your father listens to me in all things. Without you here I shall have him entirely to myself, and then we’ll see what happens. Besides, I think he might be interested to learn that you purposely withheld information from him, and from me. You lied that day, didn’t you? You saw where he went and you told me something completely different.” He shook his head. “This is why girls like you aren’t allowed to make your own decisions. You always make the wrong choices.”
He turned on his heels and walked towards the door.
“Oh, and by the way, the reason why I came up here was to tell you that your meeting with Lord Ralls has been delayed. Apparently something important came up in his household. He sends his apologies, but on the bright side this means you will be here to see what happens to that monster.”
Nathaniel strode away, closing the d
oor behind him, leaving Catherine to sink to her knees and weep, not only that Bryan was going to be cruelly mistreated by her uncle, but also because their last moments together had been cut short. Her heart broke and shattered, and it may as well have been fragmented into shards of glass that were scattered all about her feet.
A short while later, there was a timid knock and Betsy entered the room. Catherine was curled up in bed with the sheets pulled tightly around her shoulders. Her back was to the door and she gazed out at the open doors, feeling as though she might as well throw herself off the balcony. At least then it would ease the pain. Betsy sat on the bed and placed a hand on her shoulder, so Catherine rolled over and sighed.
“I’m sorry for what happened. I tried to keep an eye out for you, but I had no idea your uncle was coming,” Betsy said.
“It’s fine. We were always doing something dangerous. I’m just so afraid for Bryan now. You know how vindictive my uncle can be, and he’s going to be even harsher with Bryan after what he’s seen. He suspects that I lied to him when he asked me where Bryan had gone as well. I don’t think he’s chosen a nice husband for me.”
“I’m sorry. I wish there were something we could do. Can’t you talk to your father?”
Catherine let out a grim chuckle. “I wish. I’m sure I can talk to him, but whether he’ll listen or not is another matter entirely. Ever since Mother died, Uncle Nathaniel has been able to get away with anything he wants. I’m not sure I could persuade Father that Nathaniel is wrong in this instance, and I don’t think Father is going to be pleased that he was caught in my room. The worst of it is that I am not going to be here for long enough to help Bryan. As soon as Lord Ralls comes I am going to have to leave, and Bryan will be abandoned.”