by Alisa Adams
“That doesn’t leave us much time.”
“No, and I have a sinking feeling about my marriage as well. I have been trying to tell myself that Lord Ralls might be a kind man, and may make a good husband. It does me no good to worry about the worst of the situation, but then Uncle told me that Lord Ralls delayed his arrival for some matter in his household and I can’t help but feel that is a sign.”
“What do you mean?”
Catherine pushed herself up so that she was in a sitting position, resting against the headboard with the pillow nestled against the small of her back.
“Bryan risked his life to come and find me. He pretended to be mute and sneaked around this place all to see me again. We barely exchanged words, barely shared a moment together, and yet that was enough to fire enough desire in his heart that he should want to come and see me without delay. And he had no idea how I would react. For all he knew I would have screamed to high heaven and alerted the guards to his presence, but he took that risk because of what he felt for me. Lord Ralls knows I am going to be his wife, yet he lets something get in his way and delays his trip, as though I am not a priority for him. I want a man who cannot wait to see me, who will risk everything just to be with me. I want to feel the love, just as I have with Bryan. It is not a good sign to begin a marriage, I fear, and just enough time to see what Bryan’s punishment is going to be.”
The two girls sat in silence as they pondered the predicament.
“I don’t envy you Catherine. What are you going to do?”
“I have no idea what I can do. I can’t very well refuse my marriage, and even if I tell my father of my feelings he would never listen. Bryan is a Highlander, and he doesn’t have a home. He would never be chosen for me.”
“Perhaps that is part of the charm,” Betsy said.
Catherine let her hands fall by her side and she leaned her head back, sighing heavily. “When did my life become so complicated? I enjoyed it when I was younger and I could go about the world in any way I pleased. Everyone had to listen to me, but now I feel as though I am a prisoner. I am being forced to leave, and the dearest man I have ever known is going to be punished, all for the crime of falling in love with me. It is all my fault Betsy. I should never have allowed him up here. I should never have given into temptation.”
“Nobody can blame you Catherine. You followed your desire, but do you really think you’re going to be able to handle a life like this? Nothing is going to change in the future. Instead of your father and your uncle telling you what you must do it’s going to be your husband. Unless you do something drastic, this is going to be your life.”
Nothing sounded worse to Catherine. It felt as though her entire sense of self was being eroded. All her life she had been allowed to grow into a strong, determined woman, had been told that she was the most important thing in her father’s life, but when it came down to it, she was just a tool to be used in a political ploy. When she was a girl she was special, loved, and cared for. Now that she was a woman she was just to be bartered, and she hated the feeling of other people making her decisions for her.
Bryan wasn’t like that. He respected what he felt, even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
“What do you mean by something drastic?”
“Catherine, I would rather not talk about this. You know that you cannot leave this place. You have your life and you should try to enjoy it as best you can, otherwise you will grow bitter and even your husband will not wish to be around you.”
“Perhaps that is for the best.” She scowled. “What do you think my chances are of escaping?”
“I do not know, but you would need help. You should just marry Lord Ralls. It is the easiest thing, and what you have been expecting, even if he is not what you hope.”
There was something in Betsy’s tone that caught Catherine’s attention. Her eyes narrowed.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked.
Betsy’s mouth hung open and she shrugged, trying to indicate that she hadn’t meant anything by it, but Catherine had known the girl for too long and wasn’t about to be fooled by such a basic denial. She glared at Betsy.
“Tell me, now,” she ordered. Despite the two of them being friends, Betsy was still technically just a servant and was at the whims of Catherine’s desires. She could not refuse a direct order.
“I made some enquiries and found out what Lord Ralls looks like and he’s…he’s nothing like Bryan,” she said. “But more than that, apparently he is devoted to his books and his politics and nothing else. He rarely has time for leisure and the instances where he has been known to smile are few and far between. He is not known for his charm or his passion, but rather his logistical brain, and while that makes him valuable to the realm, it does not make him a romantic husband.”
Catherine could see her life stretching out before her, and it was just about as miserable as Bryan’s. She couldn’t face giving herself to a man who wouldn’t appreciate her, who would leave her to her own devices and focus on his work. She wanted someone to love, a partner with whom she could raise children and leave a legacy behind. She and Bryan’s situations were both utterly hopeless, and they didn’t even have the luxury of suffering together.
“I must think of a way to convince my father to change his mind,” Catherine said. Her closest friend in the whole world stayed with her through the night, offering comfort and solace. Catherine sobbed herself to sleep as she thought of Bryan, who was no doubt in a cold, dank dungeon awaiting his punishment. She racked her brains, trying to think of a plan to save everyone she cared about, including herself, but one did not easily come to her mind.
When morning arrived Catherine was slow to wake, and slow to move. When she got dressed she was tired and weary, and even though the bright sun glowed gold, she did not feel any great vigor. She wished to be able to turn back time and stop any of this from happening. There was no energy in her muscles, and when she walked it was with slumped shoulders and a stooped head. Betsy had left her already, for she had duties to perform, so Catherine was forced to go downstairs alone to dine at breakfast with her father and uncle.
The prospect of seeing Uncle Nathaniel again wasn’t one she looked forward to. She was already ashamed that he had seen her in such a compromising position, and she knew not to take his threats lightly, but she had to try and make her father see sense so that at least Bryan’s life would be spared. There was probably no saving her from her own fate, but she had to try for Bryan.
“Morning daughter,” Thomas said. Nathaniel looked up and gave her a cold stare, but said nothing.
“It appears you had a lively night last night,” Thomas said. Catherine was just sitting in her chair and paused before she met the seat. She closed her eyes and exhaled softly, feeling nausea rise within her stomach. She hammered the fragile shell of an egg and breathed in the scent of the runny yolk inside.
“I apologize for my behavior, Father.”
“What, exactly, was he doing in your room?”
Catherine considered what to tell him. She had to think about what her uncle had told him as well, but she didn’t want to tell her father the whole truth either. If he learned that she had been intimate with Bryan it may only make him more angry towards the Highlander.
“He was apparently taken in by my beauty and followed us here. I told him that I was spoken for and already betrothed to an English lord. He was actually gracious in my rejection, and he indulged my curiosity about life in the Highlands. We were speaking when Uncle Nathaniel barged in.”
Nathaniel rolled his eyes, and it was clear from his expression that Thomas didn’t believe her story either.
“The sooner Lord Ralls comes and takes you away the better. It’s such a shame that he was delayed. I think being away from this place with a man like him is the best thing for you.”
Catherine gazed at the egg and the silver cutlery and the wide table and saw her life before her eyes, always to be sitting at a table with men wh
o were making decisions for her, and she would either be raising men who would do the same for women, or little girls who would suffer the same fate as her, and all she knew was that she was tired of it. No longer did she want to be ordered around as though she knew nothing about her own life or desires, treated as though she didn’t know anything when it was the men in her life who knew nothing. They knew nothing of what she wanted or how she wanted to life her life. They didn’t know who she wanted to love or what her ambitions were; they only projected their own ambitions onto her and expected her to follow their lead. Perhaps she could have, if they hadn’t taken Bryan from her and condemned her for following her heart. She had already punished and tortured herself enough with thoughts of a life she could never have with Bryan, of leaving with him in the Highlands and finding a nice cute cottage to settle into together, of the animals they’d own and the children they’d have. She didn’t need the patronizing judgment of Thomas and Nathaniel as well.
She inhaled deeply and placed her hands on the table, trying to remain composed even though a torrent of emotion was surging through her.
“What if I told you I do not wish to be married, to Lord Ralls or to anyone? What if I told you I would like to choose my own husband in my own time, and that I would choose this man based on my feelings towards him, not on how much influence he holds within the royal court?”
“We’ve spoken about this before Catherine,” Thomas said.
“And now we’re speaking about it again.”
“The cheek!” Nathaniel said. “The sooner she finds a good husband for herself the better. This rebellious nature must be quelled before it gets out of hand. What I have seen over the past few days is entirely unacceptable and I cannot believe you are tolerating this without punishment.”
There were many areas in which Thomas bowed down to Nathaniel and accepted his wisdom without question, but there were occasions, Catherine had noticed, in which Nathaniel pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable, and she was one of them. Thomas took his duties as a father seriously, and he wasn’t about to have anyone else question his authority regarding his daughter, or tell him how he should act.
“Perhaps you should leave us Nathaniel. I think that my daughter and I need to have a few words together.”
Nathaniel didn’t seem to be deterred by Thomas’ instruction. He rose with a serpent’s grin and flashed his eyes towards Catherine. In that moment Catherine detested the man and wished that she had done more in her time her to persuade her father that Nathaniel was a bad influence. It was quite clear to her now that Nathaniel sought to rule the estate for himself. With her out of the way, her father would have nobody to offer a contrary opinion. Nathaniel would be able to do whatever he wanted, and there would be nobody to stop him.
Catherine went to speak, but before she could utter a word Thomas raised his hand to silence her.
“Don’t say anything else about this matter. I don’t want to know what that man was doing in your chambers, but you must understand that the behavior will not be tolerated. I understand that you are a young woman and it is in your nature to test your boundaries, but you will find that I am far more forgiving than any husband would likely be. You knew nothing about that man. You put not only yourself but everyone else in this household in danger by not alerting the guards. And as for this talk about marriage…I know you are nervous and scared. It is natural, but it will all turn out well if you just accept it. This is the way of things, and I know sometimes it may seem unfair, but life is unfair. It was unfair that your mother was taken from us before her time too.”
“That was different. She didn’t have a choice. You could stop this if you really wanted to.”
“Nathaniel believes that this is for the best, not only for you but for our entire family. I know that you have changed over the years, but I don’t think you have changed so much that this family means nothing to you.”
“Of course not Father, but Uncle Nathaniel only really believes in what is best for himself. Don’t you see what he’s doing? He wants to make all the key decisions for this family and you…you just sit there and let him! Are you even aware of what kind of man he is?” Catherine’s voice reached almost a high-pitched shriek. Thomas clenched his jaw.
“Nathaniel has done more for this family than you will ever know. I am willing to tolerate much from you Catherine, perhaps too much, but I will not hear you sully his name.”
Catherine shook her head sullenly and scowled. “He’s not what you think. He tried to force himself on a poor farmer’s girl. That’s why he was attacked.”
“And who did you hear that from? The Highlander?”
“His name is Bryan Pressley, and I didn’t need to hear it from him. I saw the girl myself. It was easy to see what happened. Is that really the kind of man you want to leave in charge of this place? Is that the kind of man you want to choose my husband?”
Thomas’ head dipped and he rubbed his temples with this thick fingers.
“I grow weary of this conversation Catherine. You will do as you are told without any more tantrums, and if you make life difficult for yourself you are the only one who is going to suffer. You can have a good life if you allow yourself to feel happiness. You can take joy in your children when you have them and there will be other wives in London for you to make friends with, or you can hold onto this bitterness and drown in your despair. That is the choice you can make.”
It wasn’t much of a choice, but she knew he was right, even though it was unfair that she should be forced to make such a decision. Still, she knew that she wasn’t going to get through to her father on this matter, so she thought that in the time that was left to her she should try and make Bryan’s punishment a little easier.
“What are you planning to do with Bryan?” she tried to keep the emotion out of her voice so as to not let her father in on the fact that she cared deeply for the Highlander. She wasn’t sure how successful she was being.
“Your uncle is handling the punishment, as usual.”
“Perhaps…perhaps you could persuade him to go a little more leniently on Bryan than he usually does with prisoners?”
Thomas looked aghast with shock. “This man could have killed your uncle, then he followed he back here and sneaked into your chambers. What more could he have done to prove himself a villain?”
“Please Father, please, I promise that if you convince Uncle to be lenient then I will fully enjoy the idea of marrying Lord Ralls. I won’t cause any more problems for you, ever. Please, it would mean so much to me for you to do this. Bryan didn’t meant to hurt anyone, and he only wanted to see me to…to talk to me. He was going to leave as soon as we were done, and he was unarmed too! There was no threat at all.”
For a moment she thought her father might listen to her, but it was too good to be true.
“You know I can’t do that. He’s done too much already.”
“Please, he doesn’t deserve to die.”
Thomas stroked his beard.
“If it truly means that much to you and if,” he punctuated the sentiment with a pointed finger, “you’re on your best behavior, then perhaps I can convince Nathaniel to keep him imprisoned rather than kill him. It was quite unlike Nathaniel, but he wanted swift justice for this prisoner and is already making plans for his execution.”
Catherine’s face paled.
“I promise Father, I’ll do exactly what you want,” she said, although she didn’t have faith that Nathaniel would follow through on his end of the bargain. The thought of having to see Bryan killed was too much pain for her to bear. She stumbled out of the dining room and almost threw up, such was the pain she felt. She staggered along the hallway and looked up at the painting of her mother.
“Oh Mother, if only you were here. I am sure that you could offer me some advice, and perhaps guard Father against the influence of Uncle Nathaniel. I’m sure you could prevent this terrible fate,” she said. There was no reply, of course. The painted face simply stared
into the abyss, and Catherine wasn’t sure she had ever felt as alone as she did in that moment.
The only thing she knew for sure was that she had to see Bryan again, to tell him what was happening, to tell him that she loved him one last time. She couldn’t bear to think of him dead. She wanted him to be happy, even if it meant living a life in the Highlands far away from her. The last thing she wanted was for him to be held in a dungeon. Even life imprisonment was a small compromise. He still wasn’t able to be alive, to feel joy and happiness. Maybe it was better that he died…
No, she thought to herself, there is no point in thinking like that. There had to be an alternative. Bryan had risked his safety to come and find her, she would have to risk everything now to save him, but she had to talk to him first.
Catherine strode through the courtyard towards the dungeons when she was stopped by Stephen. She wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone, but she had always been polite to the serving staff and she wasn’t about to let that instinct slip now.
“Excuse me, Lady Catherine,” Stephen began, bowing humbly before her. “I just wanted to apologize for my carelessness. I never suspected that that man was more than he seemed. I should have been more careful, especially when I entrusted your safety to him. When I think about what could have happened I am filled with shame.”
“Forgive yourself, Stephen,” she said. And then she stepped closer and spoke in a conspiratorial tone. “This isn’t what you think. There is more to him than you know. He is a good man, and he doesn’t deserve to be in that dungeon.” Then she walked away, leaving Stephen with a completely mystified look on his face.
The dungeons were housed in a small building near the gardens, away from the main house. They had been built a long time ago and the population of the dungeons fluctuated over the course of the year. Catherine usually steered clear of this area of the house, as she had no desire to listen to the pitiful wailings and pleas for mercy of the prisoners. She had turned a blind eye to them before, but now she wondered how many other innocent men had been held by her uncle out of vindictive spite. There was no way of knowing, and she was flooded with guilt because she felt she should have done more, should have helped them. There was no way she could help them though, but she could still help Bryan.