Nothing special, except you

by Celia Hayes

  He broke into choked laughter. «We’re much more alike than you think, Madison».

  That’s when he made his choice.

  He picked the cards back up. He placed one in front of himself, then uncovered it. It was a King of Hearts. He picked two more. An eight, a two. Then he moved to me. He picked three more cards, placed them between my hands, face-down.

  I ran a finger on my lips. I studied him, looking for an explanation, a sign, something to tell me who Nolan Carter was.

  «We both need this life, Madison,» he whispered. «For people like us, few things matter, the truly important things. Money. Power. Being there».

  I stopped following what was happening on the table, all my attention on him.

  «I don’t think I’m anything like you».

  But I wasn’t as calm as I would have wished, because there was something I couldn’t keep in check. What I felt when I was alone with him, the thing that made me sit down when I wanted to get up, that made me say yes, when normally I wouldn’t have. Nolan managed to keep me chained without even touching me. He spoke softly, always calm. He moved his hands slowly, sometimes he smiled faintly. And his eyes darkened, allowing you to see what was hidden under his apparent calm.

  «I’m nothing like you,» I assured him, trying to look strong.

  I couldn’t persuade him. «There’s only one difference between me and you, Madison. I have a goal, you don’t. And people with no goals are unpredictable». He turned one of my cards. Four of diamonds. «You’re dangerous, and I like that,» he confessed, then gestured at me. «Your turn».

  I looked at the table. We were playing black jack.

  I only had a four, he had twenty points. It takes twenty-one to win. If you stop earlier than that, the player with the highest score wins. That four placed me well behind.

  «Card,» I asked.

  He shook his head. «You have to bet first».

  «You want your fiches back?» I handed them to him. He could keep them.

  Nolan barely noticed them. «We’re betting something else this time,» he suggested.

  «What do you want, then?»

  «You,» he admitted.

  «Me?»

  That was sort of generic.

  He nodded. «You, correct. And I’m not just talking about sex, if you’re wondering. I’m talking about everything else».

  «I don’t understand,» I admitted.

  He put his elbows on the table, stared at me caressing his chin lazily. That hint of beard drawing a shadow on his face was… hard to look at. That had never happened to me before.

  «What’s there to understand?»

  «What do you mean by “me”?» His calm shocked me.

  «I mean that from this moment onwards, if you should lose, I’ll own you completely».

  «And if I win? What are you betting?»

  «Me».

  He opened his arms wide, leaning back on the armchair. He wasn’t just pointing at himself, but at the town, at that boat, at Wall Street.

  Rather high for a bet. I didn’t think he was the type to risk too much in gambling. Not something as important as his position, his wealth.

  «And I could do as I please with you?»

  «You can’t hope to win everything, if you’re not prepared to lose everything». He was matching me word by word, and I was the only one trembling.

  «Is this a fair game?»

  I was sure he was cheating, so I asked him.

  Nolan never lowered his eyes.

  «When you’re betting, the best cheat is always the one to wins».

  I still chose to turn my card. Nolan placed his hand on mine before I could.

  «Once you start, you can’t pull back. The loser pays. Choose now,» he warned me. I could only feel his fingers glancing off my hand. It was like nothing else was there anymore. I had waited for that, how long? All night, from the very moment he’d touched me for the first time.

  «Why should I take the risk with you?»

  «Because whatever happens from now on, as long as you’re here you’ll be part of my world, no longer of yours». He looked around. That suite, the solitude of a private room on an exclusive yacht, during a private party. Whether I liked it or not, I would have belonged to a world which up to that day I had only described on the pages of a magazine.

  «I might not want it». I didn’t push him away, it was him who let me go.

  «Well». He pulled back to his side to the table, allowing me to go. No blackmail. No conditions. I was not expecting that, I don’t know why. I was convinced he’d do all he could to make me stay.

  I felt stupid. I wasn’t worth as much as I thought. Or at least as much as I wanted. And the lack of him against my skin stung. Who was I really, anyway? Madison Hill, Gossip – Bake Up. A column on the Sunset.

  That was to say, nobody. Why should he want me?

  I pushed the chair back, got up. «Well». I picked up the glass, finished the gin, grabbed my purse. Farewell Nolan Carter.

  When I was about to pull away from the table, I heard him say: «You’ll have to give me back all that’s mine, first».

  By instinct I looked at the fiches. I had not touched them. Nolan knew it, too.

  «The dress as well,» he reminded me.

  I don’t know if it was the way he said it, or how he looked at me, or the feeling of being suddenly naked in front of him, the realisation that he would not allow me to leave that room with that dress on. I could no longer move. I stayed where I was.

  I couldn’t have done otherwise in any case. I was on a yacht which would have docked back in town only the following day. And I was not sure I still had a cabin on board, it had been him who’d sent me the pass. He could just as well take it away.

  I could finally see the mess, the whole mess, in which I found myself.

  «So I’m agreeing». I could only state it.

  Nolan nodded at me. I knew.

  «You agreed a long time ago, you’re only now admitting it».

  What did I have to lose, then?

  «Go on».

  «You have a four. I have twenty,» he reminded me. He still wanted to finish that game of black jack.

  «You play with your cards in the open?» I realised then I already knew how much he had. That wasn’t how it was supposed to work. He should have waited for me to finish playing, before he revealed his score. But that wasn’t what Nolan intended.

  «Always,» he replied.

  It was my turn, I had to make a move.

  «Card».

  He showed me one. A two. I was up to six.

  «Card». I asked for another.

  Nolan uncovered the last one. It was an ace.

  It could have been worth eleven points, in which case I would have gone over. It could have been worth one. I was up to seven, and he was still winning.

  «You’re cheating,» I got annoyed.

  «Prove it,» was his reaction. There was an amused glint in his eyes.

  I couldn’t, of course. And he knew.

  He got up from the chair, came over so he could pick on me. «Are you folding or continuing?» He leaned against the edge of the table, crossed his arms and waited, staring me in the eye. At last I could see him, his piercing eyes, so intense, their slant, the shadows drawn by the dim light, softening his features.

  «Card,» I mumbled, in a wispy voice.

  He placed his hand on the deck.

  «Are you sure?»

  I nodded.

  Nolan placed his fingers on the strap of my dress, pushed it aside, uncovering my shoulder.

  I closed my eyes, felt him reaching behind my back. Grabbing me by the waist.

  At the same time, he placed another card on the table, face-down.

  «Turn it».

  He left the card to me, grabbing me by the side.

  I didn’t touch it. I couldn’t do it.

  Nolan’s mouth opened against my neck, his tongue caressed me. «Turn it,» he ordered.

  I didn’t d
o it, and he pushed the dress strap further down. He uncovered a breast.

  «You rigged the cards?»

  «I shuffled them in front of you».

  I listened to him, turned the card he’d given me. I was up to twenty. We were even.

  «What will you do now?,» asked Nolan.

  To take another one was to lose.

  «Stop».

  I dared him.

  He kissed me.

  He captured my lips with his, pushed his mouth against mine.

  He hadn’t waited for anything else all night.

  To capture me.

  Bite me.

  Devour me.

  «No, no stopping. I’ve only just started».

  «I don’t want to sleep with you».

  «That’s not true».

  He pushed me against the table. I was a prisoner in his arms.

  The darkness became a refuge for my laboured breath, for his hands running down the fabric, searching from my skirt. He lifted it just like he’d done on the backseat of a black limousine, and I let him touch me in the very same way. With the complicity of a glass of gin I’d downed only to hurt him, as I was leaving.

  But if I was staying, it was his fault. It was the fault of his scent, of his voice. It was like a rough caress, capable of wounding you.

  «Let me undress you. Let me touch you».

  All thoughts, rational or otherwise, abandoned me in that moment. Erased, pushed away by the arousal taking hold of me like a weird creature inhabiting me, coming to life under his fingers.

  I felt those fingers sneak between my thighs, getting wet, getting me wet. He pushed softly, coaxed me slowly to make room for him. That didn’t mean he was prepared to stop. I was his, I would have been.

  «Take it off».

  He grabbed the hem of my honey-coloured thong.

  «Now».

  He pulled it down, enough to be able to touch me. In that silence made up of distant noises, of waves crashing against the hull of the boat, Nolan found his way between my legs, pushing his fingers between the folds of my sex.

  I couldn’t stop myself, a moan erupted from my mouth, even though I would have given all I had to prevent it.

  «You want me, Madison».

  Nolan’s caresses were sensual, painful. His hand seemed to reach for a soul aching for him, yet refusing to be possessed.

  I leaned against him unwillingly. Unfairly.

  Every time he penetrated me I lost a bit of myself and my resistance eased gradually, until I found myself begging him not to stop. I didn’t even need to speak. It was my body asking him and Nolan playing along. He held me tight in his arms, his desire for me cracking his voice. At last he could not hold out any longer.

  «I want to fuck you, Madison». He bit on my neck. He ran his tongue over the reddened skin. «I want to fuck you now». His mouth was gentle, his hands not at all.

  He ripped the dress off me, unable to stop himself, pushing his fingers so deep that I found myself mumbling his name, suddenly gasping for air.

  «Open your legs».

  I was forced to bend over the table, because he wanted to look at me.

  Nolan knelt down, running his hands over my thighs, and for a time that seemed endless he looked at me, his face brushing against me.

  I could feel his breath where it hurt most. His beard was stinging me.

  «Nolan...» I clenched my fists, trying to hold back.

  Then his mouth was on my taint, hot, soft, taking him on his tongue, hold me, soft like velvet.

  Every single drop of my pleasure wet his mouth, left an imprint on his thoughts.

  And when I shivered in his hands, Nolan filled me with his fingers, touching me again with the same cruel, lazy slow place that had already once driven me to the edge.

  «Your taste...»

  He murmured, placing kisses between his fingers, rubbing against me voluptuously so I could feel his presence like a brand against my skin.

  Through those caresses, more and more intense, almost cruel, in the end I heard my own voice screaming as if it belonged to someone else, and pleasure taking me in its hold, ripping me from reality for a moment that felt timeless.

  I had just fallen into his world.

  I felt oddly calm.

  Nolan was behind me. No. No, he wasn’t.

  I could feel his arousal. His hands were shaking. He took longer than a moment to calm himself down.

  When he composed himself again, he got back up and pulled me towards him, clutching a hand on my hip.

  Only then I understood what he felt.

  How much he truly wanted me.

  He was so aroused I could feel him inside me even though he was still dressed.

  His sex pushing against mine was the most diabolical feeling I’d ever experienced. He could have just brushed against me one more time, and I would have begged him.

  I bent over further, following his movement. I waited for him to take me.

  I thought he would. I thought he would fuck me that very moment, like that, on that table. It was what he wanted, but he couldn’t. Not yet.

  Even though I felt his darker side raging like a caged animal, he looked at his cards. Then at mine.

  The game was not over yet. We were still even.

  He put a hand on the deck, and I thought he wanted to take one. He had to pick an ace to beat me. One odd over how many?

  He was almost about to turn it, but there was too much at stake.

  He left it.

  He helped me get up.

  He dressed me back up, smoothly.

  That was what amazed me about him. Nolan didn’t move like everybody else, but rather in his own time, with measured, careful gestures. But you always felt those eyes on you, as if they were burning.

  He brushed my lips with the tips of his fingers, handed me the fiches he’d gifted me.

  «Not that unlucky a night, after all».

  And he stuck his hands in his pockets, waiting for me to leave just as I’d come. In the dark, without too much fuss.

  Five

  I’m never too awake at nine AM. That particular day, nine AM was a disaster.

  I felt on edge. Off balance.

  I took part in the meeting with everyone else, but I was roughly as useful as the potted cactus I’d gifted Doc the previous Christmas. Looking pretty, but mostly vacant.

  I took some notes, pretending I had nothing on my mind.

  Then – thank God – we were told to go back to our offices.

  «I want that article ready by six, Robert,» Doc was shouting, pointing at a new hire who was trying to sneak away with a sandwich and a can of Pepsi.

  I was closing my laptop, putting it back in its bag. I’d sketched an outline for my piece about Miko Yakizu, the fashion designer that had been featured on the yacht the night before. Greta had approved it. The interview was good, the photos from the runway were spectacular. It would have been printed two weeks later. I still had a gap to fill for that weekend. She’d asked me if I had any ideas for a column. I’d answered I’d think about it. To tell the truth, I had no clue. I needed something interesting, but the week had been a blank. I’d hardly been aware of anything.

  I thought I might do a tour of the clubs that night. Listen for the gossip making the rounds. That would help me decide.

  Things went differently. I wasn’t really that surprised, I was starting to get used to my engagements being unpredictable, my nights sleepless, to that constant feeling of being powerless, surrendering into nothing. Absolute blankness. I felt nothing. No sound. No voice. In my mind I could only see his eyes, his hands, his mouth whispering against my sex, “your taste”.

  As soon as I managed to distract myself, I heard it again, it was like an obsession. My head was pounding and I felt I might go crazy.

  «All right, I think that’s enough. Madison, can you stay behind a moment?,» Doc asked, and I barely realised he was talking to me.

  I was rubbing at my temples, trying to push
Nolan out of my mind.

  «Madison?»

  He called me again.

  I raised my eyes.

  I felt oddly cold, so I put a woollen cardigan on. I was wearing a leather skirt, a pair of boots, a light blue blouse.

  «Tell me». I wrapped myself up.

  Doc leaned against the wall, crossed his arms.

  There was no one left in the room. He could speak freely.

  «You didn’t tell me anything».

  «About what?»

  «Yesterday».

  I immediately realised he was talking about Nolan, but I didn’t want to discuss him with Doc.

  I pretended not to understand.

  «The usual. Sex, alcohol, drugs. Adele Write had a quickie with a waiter, her husband didn’t notice. He came close to ODing, they managed to take him to the hospital pretending he was feeling faint,» I told him. Routine stuff. Adele was a stray cat looking for love. Her husband too busy with his drugs to notice. They often ended up int he hospital, sometimes he was unwell, sometimes she couldn’t walk straight. Too much alcohol, too many fights.

  Doc was barely listening. He could spot a good story, and that wasn’t one.

  «Not a bad evening,» he played along. «Nothing else?»

  «I lost three hundred dollars at the roulette table,» I confessed, biting my lip. «But I’ve managed to make it back».

  Doc shook his head. He looked at me, disappointed.

  «I know you met with him,» he warned me.

  Was it an accusation? Yes, it was. I hit back.

  «If you already know, why are you asking?»

  «I was expecting an account».

  I was annoyed, and so was he. But I had a good reason not to tell him anything.

  «He doesn’t open up easily, Doc,» I admitted. Because Nolan was only apparently frank.

  In truth, the only thing he had confided to me up to that moment was his name. Therefore, if I wanted info about it, I had to look elsewhere. Away from my usual round.

  The situation was complicated, and it was at risk of becoming dangerous.

  I ran a hand through my hair. Doc was asking for too much.

  «Are you still on my side, Madison?» He realised something wasn’t going according to his plan. «I need to know now,» he admitted.

  I lowered my shoulders, in a tired gesture.

  «I’m on nobody’s side. You asked me to do a job, I’m doing it. But I need time».