He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “We missed you, too, Jules.”
Taylor clapped her hands behind me. “Enough sappy shit, guys. Jules, you want something to eat? Bananas on buttered toast?”
That got my attention.
“Do you even have to ask? I thought we were out of bananas?”
She looked over at Hunter. I turned, and he shrugged.
“You’re the best, you know that?” He really was.
“Shit, I would’ve brought you bananas and made you the best tea in the world years ago if that’s all it took.”
I looked down.
“Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I was kidding. Well, sort of. Just forget I said anything.” He looked panicked.
I smiled up at him. “It’s fine. I’m not that easy, though.” I winked playfully. “It would take more than tea and bananas. I’m very partial to Michael Kors, too.” We all laughed, and the mood lifted.
After eating my favorite breakfast, I was shuffled upstairs to get ready. I decided to go light on the makeup and borrowed Taylor’s waterproof mascara. I usually hated this shit since it was hard as hell to get off, but today it was a necessity.
I stepped into the dress I found in the closet. I thought it would be nice to use one of Mama’s. She had a beautiful Betsy Johnson fitted knee-length black dress with tags on it. It fit me like a glove, like it was meant to be. I tried to zip up the back but couldn’t bend my arm that way. I would get Taylor to help me once I was ready.
As I threw the garment bag over a chair, I heard a thud and looked down to see a small jewelry box on the floor. I leaned over to pick it up. Slowly opening it, I saw a piece of paper. I lifted it to reveal a beautiful sapphire necklace and earrings. Sitting down in the chair, I put the box down and opened the paper. I reached up and clutched my chest as a sob broke from my throat.
Baby girl,
I was hoping you would find this dress. I knew it was perfect for you from the moment I set eyes on it. I hope it fits and looks as beautiful as I envisioned.
I’m not sure if you’ll recognize the necklace and earrings. They were your great-grandmother’s. She wouldn’t allow anyone to wear them unless they were born in September. They were to go to you on your wedding day as something blue, but I’m giving them to you now since I won’t be there for that day.
I am so sorry I won’t be with you in person, but please know I am always there in spirit.
I will follow you and Calum forever and always look over you.
I know I’ve said it a million times, but I’m rooting for you and Hunter. That boy loves you with all his heart, and I know you love him, too.
He’ll take care of your heart like he has been since you were kids. He’ll also care for Calum like he was his own.
Please celebrate my life, and live every day to the fullest.
Love, Mama
PS – I love you bigger than the sky.
PPS – Don’t be mad at Hunter.
Tears streamed freely as I sat there in the dress my mama bought me with the back undone, probably looking like death warmed over. But, I couldn’t care less because I felt her. She was here, and she was going to help me through this. I was going to give myself this moment to lose my shit, then I was going to pull up my metaphorical, big-girl panties and celebrate my mother.
I heard movement in the room as Hunter came around and crouched down in front of me. I quickly wiped at my tears.
“I see you found the note.”
I whipped my head up to see a sad smile on his face.
“I’m sorry.”
I stood up and embraced him. “Don’t be sorry. This is a gift, and I appreciate you being there for her while I was gone.”
He wrapped his arms around me. His hands on my bare back sent chills down my spine.
“Thank you.” I let myself fall apart in his arms, knowing he would be there to catch me. I took a few deep breaths, trying to control myself before pulling away slightly.
Hunter reached up and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“I must look awful.” I laughed through my tears and tried to look away, but he wasn’t having it.
“You look beautiful; you couldn’t look awful if you tried.” He was full of shit, but I’d take it.
I stepped up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek softly. “Thanks again for being here.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than where you are.”
I squeezed him tightly one last time before turning around. “Would you mind zipping me up?” My tone was empty, almost melancholy.
He didn’t respond but moved my hair over my shoulder. I felt his hand on my back. I didn’t know why but his fingers running up my spine with the zipper was one of the most intimate sensations. Once it was zipped, his hand lingered.
“Thank you.” I breathed out the words. I turned to him. “I know I don’t need to, but I have to keep telling you how grateful I am that you’re here.”
“You’re welcome.” He looked me up and down. “Are you ready?”
“I doubt it; I’m sure I look a mess.” My face was probably all blotchy and red from crying.
“You look stunning; I promise.” He was gazing at me with such adoration.
“I’ll take your word for it. I’m ready. Let’s get this over with.” My voice must have betrayed me as Hunter gave me a look that said he called bullshit. “Okay, I’m not ready, but I don’t have a choice. Let’s celebrate Mama’s life today like she wanted.”
He smiled down at me and took my hand to walk out of the room, but the jewelry caught my eye.
“Wait, I forgot those.” I pointed to them.
“Turn around.” He motioned while he grabbed the box. After handing me the earrings he helped me with the necklace
“All right, now I’m all set,” I said as I ran my fingers along the chain.
He retook my hand to lead me from the room and down the stairs. We walked into the living room hand in hand. Taylor took notice immediately. I rolled my eyes at her.
“You look great. Margaret came by to let us know that she was taking Calum to grab a bite to eat and heading to the funeral home early, in case they needed anything.” I nearly broke down again. That woman was truly a miracle.
“I can’t thank you all enough. I don’t know how she’s going to get anything done with Calum, but bless her heart for trying.” There was a little humor in my voice which surprised me.
Taylor came over and put her arm around my shoulder. “Anything for you, girl. You ready to go?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” My voice wavered slightly, but I really thought I was ready.
We all squished onto the bench seat in the front of Hunter’s truck. Taylor insisted. Hunter drove us to the funeral home in silence. After parking the truck, he took my hand and turned to me, to make sure I was okay. I squeezed his hand and took a deep breath.
“I can do this.” I smiled convincingly.
He opened his door and helped me down on his side, keeping hold of my hand. Taylor came around the truck to link arms with me. Together, we walked to the front door. Hunter reached for the handle but stopped before opening it just to make sure I was good to go. I nodded, and he pulled open the door. Taylor let go of my arm and led the way while Hunter kept hold of me.
We were greeted by a man who I’d never met and escorted to a private room. I stopped in the doorway when I saw the casket at the front of the room. Hunter gripped my fingers tighter, reminding me that he was there.
The funeral director approached. “Take your time, miss; no need to rush. The room is yours for a full hour before guests arrive.”
I smiled and nodded without speaking and looked up at Hunter whose face was full of concern.
“Do you mind if we sit in the back for a little bit?” My voice was slightly hoarse.
“Whatever you need.” He led me to the back where there was a sofa.
The funeral director brought us all cups of water.
“
Thank you.”
“I’m going to go check on Margaret. Are you okay here with Hunter?” Taylor smiled at me, but it was strained.
“Of course, thanks for checking on them. Kiss my baby for me.”
She patted my shoulder before leaving the room.
Hunter retook my hand. “Do you need anything?” He looked so worried like he thought I was about to snap at any moment.
Personally, I was anxious about that too, but I was trying to collect myself.
“You’re doing everything I need. Just taking a few minutes before I’m slapped in the face by reality.” I paused. “You know, I think I’ve been lying to myself this whole time, saying that it’s not true. That mama was just sleeping, so I’m terrified of walking up to that casket because my walls might crumble around me.” My voice broke on the last word.
“Jules.” He reached up and brushed some hair out of my face. “You know you’re allowed to let the walls crumble, right? That’s a perfectly normal part of the grieving process. Bottling your feelings up isn’t healthy. I’m here, every single step of the way. If you fall, I’ll catch you. I promise.” His voice was sincere as he pled with me to let my feelings out.
I squeezed his hand and took a sip of my water before sinking back into the sofa and cuddling into Hunter’s side. We sat in silence, my mind reeling as Hunter gave me the time I needed to process my feelings.
I took a few deep breaths before standing up. “I think I’m ready.”
He looked up in surprise but stood up. “Do you want me to come with you?”
I contemplated it, but I should do this on my own. “I think I can do this. You just being here is helping, so thank you. But please stay nearby.” He smiled and nodded.
24
Jules
“I’ll be right here if you need me.” I smiled at him before turning toward the front of the room. Deep breaths, Jules, one step at a time. I repeated this over and over as I walked toward the casket. Stopping just before I reached the point where I could peer inside. You can do this. I closed my eyes and took one more moment before I stepped up to the casket. A sob broke free the instant I opened my eyes and saw her for the first time. That’s when it finally hit me, she was gone. I would never see my mama again. I’d never hear her voice or feel her touch, she was truly gone. Through my tear-clouded eyes, I could see how beautiful and peaceful she looked. I touched her hand and jolted slightly at the shock of how cold she was. I stroked her hand and cried silently.
After spending a few minutes with her, letting all my feelings show through tears and sobs, I pulled a few items from my purse that I’d brought for her and placed them in her casket one by one. First, I set the photo I took of her and Calum inside the casket. Next, I attached a mermaid pin on her collar, they were her favorite. Last but not least, I placed the necklace she gave me as a child that said love in an infinity symbol.
I leaned down and kissed my mom on the cheek for the last time ever and whispered, “I love you bigger than the sky.” I stepped back and tried to hold it all in, but instead, I broke down with wrenching sobs at the finality of it all. As my knees buckled, I felt strong arms wrap around me.
“I told you I’d catch you,” Hunter whispered in my ear.
“She’s gone. She’s really gone,” I sobbed.
“I know, baby. I know.” He lifted me off my feet and carried me back to the sofa. He sat down, and I curled up on his lap. “Let it all out. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back.
I didn’t know how much time passed, but I heard movement in the room. I looked up and saw Calum running toward me. I sat up and opened my arms for him to jump into. He touched my face. “Mama cry?”
I nodded. “Mama’s okay, though, buddy.” I kissed him and hugged him tight.
“How you doing?” Taylor sounded concerned.
I looked up at Taylor and smiled. “Been better.”
Just then the funeral director came back in. “Does anyone need anything before we get started? Guests are starting to arrive. We would like to open the doors shortly.” He looked down at me with kindness in his eyes.
“I think we’re okay. Can you give us ten minutes?” I needed a few more minutes to compose myself before everyone else came in.
“Of course, take your time.” He smiled and turned to leave.
“You guys feel free to go up there before everyone else comes. I’ll sit here and snuggle with my little monster.” My voice sounded closer to normal now, although, my throat was sore.
Taylor and Margaret walked up to the front together. I went to get up from Hunter’s lap, but he held me in place.
“I need a minute,” he said.
I turned to see him watching Calum with adoration. I patted his hand on my stomach and smiled. We waited in silence. Calum must’ve sensed something. He was being such a good boy, sitting on my lap quietly.
Hunter tensed slightly, and I looked up to see Taylor and Margaret, walking back toward us. I looked away quickly as they both had tears in their eyes, and I preferred not to start crying, again.
I looked at Hunter. “Are you ready?”
He shook his head but didn’t respond.
“Hey, do you want me to come with you?”
He snapped his head up. He seemed surprised.
“I know this is hard on you as well. You two were close. We can lean on each other.” I smiled, and he seemed to sag in relief.
“I don’t want you to get upset again. I can do this on my own.” He tapped my leg, indicating for me to get up, but instead, I put Calum down.
He walked over to a small table the funeral home had set up as a craft station for kids.
I turned in Hunter’s lap to face him head-on. “I’m with you, too, okay? Anything you need. Friendships are a two-way street.”
His face twisted a little. “Friendship, yeah,” he said under his breath. “As long as you’re sure.”
I nodded and smiled before standing up and reaching my hand out for him to take. Hunter took it, and we walked to the front. I kept my composure this time. I needed to be strong for him.
Hunter’s breath caught when he saw Mama. I squeezed his hand tighter, but he let go and gripped the side of the coffin. I touched his shoulder to show I was still there, trying to keep it together. Hanging his head, I heard a small cry catch in his throat. I looked over and saw a tear fall.
“Oh, Hunter.”
He turned to me, and that was it, seeing him cry broke down my walls. We gripped each other tightly and cried, letting it all go, leaning on one another. I didn’t know how much time passed before we’d cried it all out. Hunter pulled back first.
“I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I tried to stay strong for you, but seeing her like this broke me.” His voice was gruff.
I reached up and touched his face. “Please don’t apologize, you cared about Mama. That means so much to me. You were there for her when I wasn’t, and for that, I am forever grateful. So, thank you.” I hugged him again, and he hugged me back. No more words were said.
He put his arm around my shoulder to walk away, but he stopped and placed a small plaque in the casket that read:
♥ See you Wednesday ♥
I smiled up at him, and we walked back to Taylor who’d clearly been crying. She hugged us both.
Just then, the funeral director came in. I nodded at him. Margaret came over with Calum on her hip, and we all made our way to the front row before everyone was let in.
I was a nervous wreck. “What if I can’t get through the eulogy? What if no one comes? I might be having a panic attack.” I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I was so bad at public speaking. This was a whole different ball game. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this.
Taylor came and squatted in front of me. “Look at me. You’re going to be just fine. We’re all here for you. Just look at us and pretend like no one else is around. If your voice starts to break or you
begin to cry, that’s okay. No one’s judging you. Just take a breather, take a sip of water, and continue when you can. If by chance you truly can’t get through it, one of us will take over. No matter what, your mama already knows how you feel, and that’s all that matters.” She squeezed my knee and smiled at me.
“Thanks, Tays.” I smiled half-heartedly. I wasn’t convinced, but she was right. All I can do is try and take my time.
I heard the doors open, and the sound of whispered voices. I reached over and took Hunter’s hand to keep me grounded. I maintained my focus on the cross on the wall, trying to zone out all the noises around me. It was getting louder, so that told me at least people had shown up. That was one fear down.
Hunter leaned over. “You’ll do great. If you want me to come up with you, I will. Just say the word.”
I smiled. “I might take you up on that. Just having you near helps ease some of the anxiety I’m feeling.”
Calum started fussing and reaching for me, so he came to sit on my lap. “Mama tree.” He pointed to the corner of the room.
“You’re right, buddy. What is that, Taylor?”
She looked over at what I was talking about. “That’s a memory tree. On the table below, there are a bunch of wood pieces with rope hangers and permanent markers. Everyone will be encouraged to write a memory they have of Stephanie on one and hang it on the tree. The stand comes out so you will be able to attach it flat to the wall or set it on a shelf with the stand, up to you.”
“That is such a beautiful gift. Thank you.”
Pastor Dan stepped up to the podium, giving us a genuine smile and began the service. “I would like to start by thanking everyone for coming. We are greatly saddened by the passing of Stephanie Lynn Davis.”
His words sounded muffled, and I could no longer make out what he was saying. I knew he was speaking. I could see his lips moving but all I heard was ringing. I looked down at the floor and let the tears fall freely. I was not trying to hide them, anymore. Hunter’s arm wrapped around me, and pulled me close. I wished I were anywhere but here.
Wrecked by Her (Like a Hurricane Duet Book 1) Page 14