by Skye Horn
But that didn’t mean she could abandoned her kingdom, or abandon her mission to help Kieran—whatever that meant now.
Thea sighed, sinking down to sit on the sand. She wasn’t ready to go back to the castle yet, and if Adrian wanted to talk about this, it was better that they did it here, away from any prying eyes. She unstrapped her weapons, setting them in the sand beside her, and watched him do the same.
“What do you think I should do?” Thea pulled her knees to her chest, avoiding Adrian’s gaze. He was close enough that if she were to lean left just slightly they would be touching. The heat radiated off him even as the ocean’s mist chilled their skin. She rested her arms on the top of her knees, followed by her chin, and frowned. “There is so much horror in this world. I feel like a monster even thinking about bringing up a child here.”
“There is good too,” Adrian said quietly. “You’re fighting for that good.”
“But what if I lose?” Thea shifted her head so that her cheek rested on her forearm, and her eyes found Adrian’s. He was watching her closely in the moonlight, but she didn’t look away. Maybe for once he would actually see her, rather than assuming she was a spoiled queen. Maybe he would see the struggle she faced each and every day—the choices she was being forced to make.
“Then at least your child will grow up knowing you tried.”
Thea didn’t mention that the child might not even live to grow up if that were the case. She couldn’t make those words come out of her mouth, even though they flooded her thoughts. Thea had never had the opportunity to know her biological mother. Her parents had kept her adoption a secret. Would her own child grow up in a similar situation, only knowing Thea from the stories others told? That idea sent a wave of grief through her, and she immediately searched for another topic to discuss.
“How was he when you spoke to him?” Thea asked, nervously biting her lip as she pulled her head up a little.
“Infuriating.” Adrian laughed, but the amusement didn’t sound real. “I shouldn’t have tried to talk to him without you, but I guess I just wanted to try and save you the pain of seeing him. I saw your face earlier—I see how much he’s hurt you.”
“It’s not his fault,” Thea said immediately and sighed again, feeling frustrated, but not with Adrian. “Can I tell you something?”
Adrian nodded and Thea took a minute to gather her thoughts.
“Kieran and I were soulmates, and I love him, but I know the man in that cell is not the man I love. I felt him die when Ainé severed our link, and I think a part of me died too that day…”
“I’ve heard that soulmates can’t survive without each other…” Adrian said slowly.
“That’s the thing, though. He’s not dead, but I know he wouldn’t want to live like this. He’s turned into a monster because of her. So how do you stop someone you once loved with every ounce of your being?”
The silence stretched out between them to the point where Thea thought Adrian might not answer. She’d been thinking about this for weeks, and it was tearing her apart inside. It would be nice for someone to tell her this wasn’t fair—that everything being asked of her was complete bullshit—but even that wouldn’t change a thing.
“You’re planning on killing him,” Adrian said slowly, as if he wasn’t sure what Thea planned or how she could conceive such a thought.
“He’s already dead.”
Thea had told herself this a million times. And yet, she hadn’t gone for a killing blow when she’d had the chance. Instead, she’d injured Kieran enough to detain him. Why, though? Why couldn’t she just end both of their suffering? She knew without a doubt that he would hate the person Ainé had turned him into, but that didn’t make what she knew needed done any easier.
“Do you still love him?” Adrian asked.
Her response was immediate. “Yes.”
And then the silence came again until Thea began to count the crashes of waves on the beach.
“Are you in love with him?”
This time, Thea didn’t answer. Instead, she watched the way the water pushed and pulled against the sandy beach. She traced her eyes along the glistening reflection of the moon, and eventually she felt the tears forming in her eyes as the truth settled around her like a heavy weight.
“No, I don’t think I am.“
As soon as the words left her mouth she choked back a small sob. Everything inside her wanted to be in love with Kieran, wanted to feel the passion that she’d felt since the moment they’d met, because if she didn’t feel that anymore, what did it say about her? She remembered the pain of their soul bond breaking and had focused on this war ever since, but her bond with Kieran had been shattered, and without him here to help her heal… she just didn’t know what to feel anymore.
Adrian placed a hand on her arm gently, watching her even as her tears dripped onto the back of his hand.
“You know it’s okay, right?” he asked.
“It’s not, though. If things had been different, our story could have been epic.” She met his eyes through her blurred vision. “I loved him with every piece of me, but when Ethel died and the soul bond was broken—it’s like the part of me that was capable of loving him died too, because I know deep down I’ll never get him back. Maybe if things had been different, if we’d had time to fall in love outside of our bond or outside of this war, then maybe I could honestly say I was still in love with him, but the truth is, we didn’t even have a chance to get to know each other before it was all ripped away.”
Thea looked down at Adrian’s hand, unable to meet his eyes anymore, knowing this torment could never end. Kieran had brought her here to become queen. He’d known that they couldn’t be together and he’d even warned her that the ending would be tragic. Her heart was shattered by what had happened between them.
“You can’t be angry at yourself for not being in love with a ghost, Thea.”
“A ghost…” she repeated. Adrian wasn’t wrong. She’d spent the past few weeks either angry or guilty over what had once been so easy between Kieran and her. She’d waited her entire life for an epic love like that, and she’d likely never have it again.
But Adrian was right. Why was she so angry at herself for not being in love with the man in that cell? The man she’d loved with all her being had died, and unless some miracle would bring him back, she needed to let go of her anger and guilt.
“Tell me about him,” Adrian said finally, looking at her with a kindness she wasn’t used to seeing on his face.
Thea didn’t know if she’d be able to talk about Kieran, or about everything they’d been through. It had been one obstacle after another, and often, all they tried to do was find a way to be together, but that hadn’t ever detoured her before. It had only made her want him more. Now, sitting here with Adrian, she thought of everything she’d missed with Kieran. The long talks beneath the stars, the shared memories that would never occur. But despite everything they’d lost, she’d gained a child—a little piece of Kieran that no one could take away from her. That was what she’d cling to when she told the story of their love. That was what she’d rely on to get through this war.
Adrian listened to every inflection of Thea’s voice as she told him about Kieran before their soul bond was broken, and although it sometimes troubled him to hear how great their love story was, he found comfort in the fact that her face lightened with each word and her tears eventually stopped. By the time they were done talking, he felt like he knew Thea more from those last few hours than he had from the weeks she’d spent in Blackmire. He regretted the days of wasted anger. He saw her passion and her drive, a girl who had lost nearly everything but still strived to walk a straight line. How could he have ever hated this woman? Even when he’d wanted to hate her, a glimmer of her goodness had shined through.
As the glow of the morning sun began to rise on the eastern shore, Adrian placed his hands behind his head. They were both on their backs in the sand, staring up at the lightening sky. Thea ha
d stopped talking and when he looked over at her he saw that her eyes had closed. Sand covered her feathers and her hair mercilessly, but her face was relaxed. He slowly reached out to tap her hand.
“Thea?”
She stirred slightly and then rolled onto her side, ending up with a face full of sand that made her scrunch her nose and wipe her face with an even more sandy hand. She groaned, rolling back, and Adrian fought the urge to laugh.
“Come on, it’s morning.”
Although Adrian had not slept, he did not feel the weight of exhaustion. Thea’s stories had kept him up long after she stopped telling them.
“Morning?” she grumbled, blinking her eyes open. “Oh no.”
Immediately, Thea shot up into a sitting position and frowned when a tidal wave of sand fell off her wings. She attempted to stand, nearly tripping over her cloak, and brushed her hands against the soft velvet material as she said, “Haven is going to kill me.”
Adrian lifted an eyebrow at Thea as she reached down to give him a hand. She pulled him to his feet, grabbing her weapons baldric on her way. He brushed the sand off his own clothes, finding her sense of panic amusing. “Surely a queen is allowed to stay out all night with whomever she wishes?”
Thea glared at his insinuation, which only made him grin wider.
“You won’t be saying that when she blames you for the fact that she was up all night with worry.”
Adrian barked out a laugh but followed Thea as she started toward the path, which was much clearer now in the light. As they neared the base of the cliffside, she turned to Adrian, stopping so abruptly that he almost toppled into her.
“What?” he grunted, regaining his balance and lifting an eyebrow.
“I just—” She sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “Thanks for letting me talk.”
Her cheeks flushed pink and she turned before he could answer, practically running up the snowy path. Adrian jogged after her, hearing the fresh crack of ice beneath his boots. He remembered the months as a child when the beaches had no snow. Maybe one day things would return to normal. Maybe nature would balance itself out. But for now, he was stuck with icy paths and rotting plants.
He jumped over a frozen bush and fell into step with Thea.
“What am I going to tell her?” Thea said, as if Adrian had been beside her the whole time. “It’s not like I can tell her what we were doing, and if I don’t tell her, well, then she’ll assume…”
Thea let out a groan and they cut around another corner which became a steep incline. Up ahead, Adrian caught sight of a shadow and froze, grabbing Thea by the arm to stop her. She spun around, looking ready to ask what was wrong, but paused seeing whatever look was on his face. He lifted a finger to his lips, indicating for her to keep quiet, and slipped past unsheathing his sword.
When he reached the spot he’d seen the shadow, he nearly screamed.
Caden was standing, casually leaning against a dying tree, with a smirk on his face as he saw Adrian and Thea approach. His cheeks were flushed from the morning air.
“Good morning,” he said coolly, but Adrian kicked snow at him furiously.
“I could have attacked you!” He glared as Caden ducked out of the way of the snow with a laugh.
“Hey! I was just making sure our little secret was safe. I saw two sets of footprints at the path and was coming down to check when I heard you two chatting. And what exactly have you been up to?”
Thea had caught up now, panting slightly at the jog up the steepest part of the trail. She stared at Caden with wide eyes and then at Adrian.
“I showed her,” Adrian said without explanation. At first, Caden watched him with complete seriousness. He wondered if he’d changed his mind about letting Thea in on their secret, but then he smiled, nearly showing every tooth in his mouth.
“About time!” Caden ran to them, throwing one arm around each of their shoulders. “Here I thought I was stumbling upon some type of romantic getaway, but it appears my friend here has finally come to his senses. Welcome to the club, Thea!”
“I can’t keep this from Haven.” Thea frowned, looking around Caden to Adrian. “I swear she won’t tell anyone, but she’s the head of my guard and my best friend. I can’t just not tell her.”
Adrian contemplated the consequences before nodding. “Fine, you can tell her but just swear to me neither of you will ever go near Sorlas without me. Okay?”
Thea nodded her head in agreement and Adrian sighed. “Come on, we’d better get back before your guard murders me.”
At this, he saw Thea smirk, but they all continued walking up the path. Caden did most the talking for the rest of the way, telling Thea how much he’d wanted to tell her the truth and how stubborn Adrian had been about the topic. Adrian fought the urge to roll his eyes multiple times, but also found comfort in them all being on the same page.
“And now we can let Adrian in on our secret!” Caden chuckled.
“You two have a secret?” Adrian asked, lifting an eyebrow. He had known that Caden and Thea had spent a lot of time together these past few weeks, but he’d thought they were just bonding over his foul mood. Now he was curious as to what they’d been up to behind his back.
“We’ve been researching weapons to hurt a Goddess,” Thea said, and Adrian stopped walking, throwing a glare at Caden.
“You know what that leads to!”
“Yes, I do. Which is exactly why we are researching it.”
“What aren’t you telling me?” Thea asked, crossing her arms as she looked at the two of them. If it weren’t for the fact that she still had sand all through her disheveled hair, she might have looked intimidating. As it was, her appearance amused him.
“Adrian and I have researched this before,” Caden explained. “He believes it’s too dangerous, and if we get caught Morrigan will likely kill us.”
“Because it is too dangerous and if you get caught she will kill you!” Adrian threw his hands up in the air as if this was the most clear answer he could give. How could they be so stupid as to research something like that right under the Goddess’ nose? Adrian and Caden had spent weeks going through books before and found nothing, but then the Goddess had grown suspicious. She’d started watching them more closely. It was only recently that she’d let up some, distracted by Thea. If she noticed Caden in the library again…
“She won’t kill her.” Caden shrugged. “That’s all that matters.”
“I don’t agree with that argument.” Thea frowned, but Caden was only paying attention to him. “Plus, we need that weapon now more than ever, Adrian.”
Thea had both arms crossed tightly over her chest, but he knew exactly why they needed a weapon. She hadn’t figured it out yet, but he knew Thea wasn’t strong enough to survive training with child. In fact, Morrigan had indicated that this training could kill the baby. If they had a weapon, maybe Morrigan would allow them to ease up on her magical training at least. Or maybe the Goddess would lift the curse. But Morrigan didn’t trust easily, and if she thought they were looking for a weapon that could hurt her, she could retaliate. Could they risk that?
“What are you talking about?” Caden asked, looking between their intent gazes with confusion. “What else did I miss?”
“It’s good to know one of you was being honest with me,” Thea said quietly, and Adrian looked down. Okay, so he wasn’t completely off the hook yet. “Will you tell him or shall I?”
Adrian frowned, knowing Thea may have given him another chance but he was still a long way from earning her complete trust. He guessed that now was also as good a time as ever to tell her what Morrigan had told him about the child’s magic, so he took a steadying breath, meeting Caden’s eyes.
“Thea is with child,” he said slowly, and then added, “A child the Goddess seems to think will be more powerful than all of us.”
Chapter 20
By the time Adrian had explained everything to Caden, his face was crimson, but Thea was too lost in what else Adrian had s
aid to pay much attention to their bickering. The revelation that the child she carried could be more powerful than a normal Fae had her head spinning. She could hardly control her own magic, plus the curse that she’d inherited from Kieran when the soul bond broke. How was her child going to survive it?
“How could you keep that from her?” Caden was saying, looking ready to throw a punch at Adrian. “The child could have died!”
Adrian, who looked stricken with shame all over again, did not have a response. Thea, however, decided to step back in, placing a hand on Caden’s arm.
“I’m angry too, but we have more important things to focus on right now. For one, Morrigan seems willing to sacrifice this baby if it means taking down her sister. That means we need to find another way to take down Ainé. Also, this magic is eating me alive from the inside. If I don’t convince her to remove the curse, I won’t be able to access my magic without harming the child.”
“So what do we do, then?” Caden asked, looking defeated. “How do we protect Faerie and your child?”
Thea rubbed her temples not knowing the answer. The truth was, there may not be a way to do both, but they had to at least try. She looked toward the castle, knowing what she needed to do next but terrified to do it.
“First, I need to talk to Kieran. If he really does care about this child, maybe he’ll be more help than we thought.”
“And if he doesn’t?” Adrian said quietly, perhaps hoping Thea wouldn’t hear him. She looked at him with a frown.
“I am Queen of Ivandor and he is my subject, no matter what Goddess sits on my throne right now. I’ll make him talk.”
She didn’t know if she’d be able to hold true to the promise, but Adrian nodded his head anyway, saying, “Your kingdom is lucky to have a ruler like you.”