by Skye Horn
“What are you thinking?” Caden asked from his armchair. Adrian had been pacing for at least ten minutes while Caden watched in silence, but even his friend did not have endless patience.
He didn’t know how to respond, though. He was thinking about Thea. He was thinking about Sorlas. He was thinking about the war that they all knew was coming. Adrian started with the first thought that came to mind.
“We need that weapon.”
“You want to let Thea try to get information out of Morrigan?” Caden asked with surprise.
“I can’t think of anyone else who could. I’m going to have to return to my post outside her room soon, but I need to clear my head first.”
“She really gets under your skin, huh?” Caden said with a light laugh.
Adrian glared. “This isn’t a joke. If we don’t figure this out, she could die. Her child could die.”
“I thought you didn’t care about her,” Caden mused, only infuriating Adrian even more.
“Maybe I didn’t at first, but you know that has changed,” he growled in response and began his pacing again.
“Yes, it has changed.” Caden’s tone suggested he wanted to say more, and Adrian spun around on him, fuming with anger. He couldn’t handle any more of Caden’s jokes and insinuations. He just wanted to figure this out, and right now, his friend was not helping him come to a conclusion about what to do.
“If you have something to say, spit it out.”
Adrian crossed his arms, staring down at Caden as he sat with one leg crossed over the top of the other.
The sound of the flickering candle flames filled the space around them like a quiet orchestra.
Then Caden said, “You’re in love with her, but you won’t even admit it to yourself.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Adrian retorted immediately. “For one, Thea is a queen. If I had any feelings for her at all, they would be useless. But I don’t. Secondly, she will only ever see Kieran in that way.”
Caden shrugged, sighing. “Tell yourself whatever you need to get through this, but you know how pointless it is to lie to me. I can feel it, Adrian. You’re different around her—happier. At first I thought you were just attracted, but it’s more than that.”
“That just means we have good chemistry, not that I’m in love with her,” Adrian responded with finality. He hated when Caden used his abilities on him, even though he knew it wasn’t something his friend knew how to control. The words couldn’t be taken back now, though; they echoed through his head, even as Caden dropped the subject.
He couldn’t be in love with Thea. Being in love with her would only end in heartache, and they were in the middle of a war.
“Love has no place in war, Caden,” Adrian said quietly, taking a seat across from his friend. He didn’t have the energy to stay angry.
“On the contrary, there is no greater weapon in war than love.”
Adrian rolled his eyes. “That is the sappiest thing you’ve ever said.”
“Think about it. Without love, who are you even fighting for? Love is what gives us the courage to fight, because we are terrified to lose the ones we love.”
“Who are you afraid to lose?” Adrian asked, eyeing his friend with curiosity, but Caden didn’t answer. Instead, his gaze drifted toward the window of the room and his eyes grew distant. Adrian tried to read the hidden expression behind his gaze but when Caden decided not to speak about something, it was better left alone.
A caw at the window drew his attention away from his friend. Perched on the windowsill outside, a raven tapped its beak on the glass impatiently, causing both Adrian and Caden to jump to their feet. As soon as the window was open, the bird soared into the room, landing on Adrian’s forearm. He was thankful for his sleeves, although he knew if the raven wanted to, it could easily slice its razor-sharp talons into his skin.
“I guess she knows you’re here,” Caden said and then reached toward the raven. It pecked at his hand, but not before Adrian saw what he was trying to grab. Attached to the raven’s black feet was a small piece of parchment paper.
He untied the twine that held it there, letting the paper drop into his hand as the raven swooped out of the room with a screech. Caden immediately went to shut the window, grumbling about his bleeding hand, while Adrian unfolded the note.
I will be away from Blackmire for a few days.
Continue Thea’s physical training.
Get back to your post before I replace you.
- Morrigan
“What does it say?” Caden asked, wrapping a bandage around his hand and tilting his head at the note.
“Morrigan is leaving the castle for a few days,” Adrian mused, letting the relief of not having the Goddess of Death around sink in. “And I have to go back to my post. I’ve already been here too long.”
He folded the note and tucked it into his pocket. If Morrigan was going to be gone for a few days, he wouldn’t complain. He just wished the king would go with her.
“What do you think she’s up to?” Caden asked as Adrian headed for the door.
He didn’t know. It wasn’t often that the Goddess shared her plans with them, but since this was the first time she’d be leaving the castle in months, he wasn’t about to think long on it.
“All that matters is that we keep looking into what we can do,” Adrian said. “I’ll leave you to your research.”
He shut the door behind him and headed toward Thea’s room without a second thought. Caden was right about one thing. Adrian would fight for those he loved, and if Thea happened to be one of those that he fought for, then that was even more reason to find another way to win this war.
Haven didn’t come back to the room until late in the afternoon, leaving Thea alone with her thoughts, and when she finally did show up she almost immediately went to sleep. Thea wanted to scream or cry or throw something, but instead, she covered her friend up with a blanket and went to the door of her bedroom without waking her.
Just as she expected, Adrian stood guard in the corridor.
“Dinner?” he asked, but she saw him trying to read her expression. Keeping it masked, she nodded her head. “Come on, then.”
“Think we can eat somewhere not crowded with guards?”
“Here?” Adrian asked, looking back toward her bedroom door.
“Haven is asleep,” Thea responded.
“Well, we will figure it out. Let’s go grab the food first.” He pushed himself off the wall and Thea walked alongside him in silence until they reached the kitchens. She was happy that he didn’t take her to the main dining hall, not wanting to deal with any of the obnoxious soldiers today.
Instead, the servants in the kitchen fixed them individual bowls of stew. One of the older female servants prepared a tea for Thea, which she said would keep the babe healthier. Thea wasn’t sure what the tea had in it, but it tasted sweet against her tongue and calmed the flutter in her stomach as Adrian led them with hands full of food to a more secluded spot. She didn’t question where he was taking her until he opened the wooden door to reveal a small bedroom.
“Oh,” she said, feeling her cheeks burn likely the shade of her hair. “I didn’t mean—”
“We can leave the door open,” Adrian said quickly and Thea almost laughed. She knew how silly she was being. Adrian had been into her bedroom countless times and nothing had happened. Why would this be any different?
“We aren’t children. Come on,” she said, gaining her courage and walking past him into the room. It was a tiny room in comparison to her own. A bed that would only fit one person comfortably, and definitely not a person with wings, lay against one wall. On the wall opposite was a simple wooden desk piled with papers. And on his nightstand was a small figurine of a unicorn carved out of wood that Thea lifted her eyebrow at immediately.
Adrian chuckled, shutting the door behind himself. “I carved that for Emilie when she first got sick, but when I left home, she insisted I take it with me to remember her by.”
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Thea set her food down on the wooden desk, careful not to spill it on the papers, which up close, appeared to be copies of books they’d been studying for the past couple of weeks. Then she went to pick up the wooden unicorn, examining the intricate details carefully. “This is really nice work.”
“Thanks.” Adrian blushed and dunked his bread into the stew before taking a bite and sitting on the bed. Thea watched a few crumbs fall to the floor.
“What’s your sister like?” Thea asked, moving to sit on the desk’s chair and taking a bite of her own food.
When Adrian was done chewing, he said, “Stubborn.”
At this, Thea laughed. “Aren’t we all a little stubborn?”
“You’re a lot stubborn,” Adrian teased. “And so is she.”
“Sounds like I would like her.” Thea grinned, falling into their easy conversations. This was why she liked being around him. He helped her forget. At least until he turned serious on her, which was usually pretty quickly.
They ate in mostly silence until their bowls were empty. Thea examined some of the things he’d copied from the books in the library while she sipped on the rest of her tea, and Adrian lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Eventually, he asked, “Do you ever wonder if we could have been friends without all this madness?”
“Madness?” Thea asked, glancing over her shoulder at him.
“You know,” he continued, not meeting her eyes. “The war. The magic. The tragic love stories.”
Thea recognized the change in mood immediately and turned her chair to face him once more. Adrian often got this way. One minute he was easy to be around, and the next, she didn’t know what he was trying to say.
“Of course I think we could have been friends,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “Circumstances may have put us in this position, but I genuinely enjoy your company.”
At this, Adrian gave her a small smile. “I enjoy your company too.”
Thea leaned back in her chair, looking him over. He’d relaxed against the bed, more so than he seemed to relax anywhere else outside of Sorlas’ cave.
“I just wish I’d met you earlier sometimes,” he almost whispered. Thea wasn’t even sure she’d heard him right. “Before all this happened.”
But even though he said the words, they both knew that neither of them had a ‘before this.’ Thea had had a world without magic and he’d had a world of war and grief. There was nothing else for them to know or to have met during, so circumstance provided that they meet like this. Or maybe fate. She didn’t know if she believed in fate, though.
“We are who we are because of what we’ve been through. Maybe we met at the perfect time.” Thea looked at Adrian with a shrug. She didn’t understand what put him in these moods, but she stayed patient all the same.
She also felt guilty for going completely against his will earlier that day.
“Adrian, I have to tell you something.”
He sat up immediately, staring at her with full attention.
“What is it?” he asked. Thea felt the nerves in her stomach flutter again.
“I— I went to see Kieran today,” Thea said slowly. “Alone.”
Adrian was silent, but a multitude of emotions played across his face as he registered Thea’s words. She waited for his anger, but it never came. “Oh,” was all he said instead.
“You aren’t mad?” she hesitated to ask, not wanting him to be mad, but also surprised that he wasn’t.
“You’re an adult, Thea. I am just trying to protect you.” Adrian sighed, leaning back into his spot on the bed. “What happened?”
“I think we are wrong about him,” Thea said quietly. “I don’t think he’s without a soul at all. I just think…”
“You’re getting your hopes up that you can save him,” Adrian said, looking at Thea from the corner of his eye. She saw the concern there.
“I know I can’t make him love me again, and I don’t know that I would want to after everything we’ve both been through, but he doesn’t deserve to feel like a monster, Adrian. He is this way because of me…”
“Stop blaming yourself,” Adrian snapped, but immediately mellowed with a sigh. “I just mean that he had free will to make a choice. You need to respect that choice.”
“And what? Just let him be a monster forever? Move on?”
Thea felt her temper flaring and clenched her hands into fists.
“Yes, Thea. Maybe you should move on.” Adrian didn’t look at her, but she heard the hurt in his voice and melted back into her chair. She didn’t know why she’d even brought this up. She’d known he’d be angry at her, no matter how hard he fought it. She just wanted to rewind and start again, but there was no such way in life.
“That’s what he told me to do,” she finally said, folding her fingers over each other until her knuckles whitened. “He said he was sorry for the pain he was causing me and that he wanted me to move on.”
Adrian stilled, seeming to hold his breath, but Thea didn’t figure he’d answer. Instead, she started to get up from her seat, intending to leave. If he was going to be angry at her for talking to Kieran, then she didn’t feel like sticking around any longer. She had enough to feel guilty about without adding him to the list.
“Don’t go,” he said quietly when she took a step toward the door. He was sitting up again and the sadness on his face was enough to cause her to pause. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”
It was one of the few apologies he’d ever offered her, but that made it feel all the more real.
“I didn’t go to make you angry.” Thea sighed, and this time went to sit on the bed beside Adrian. “I just needed answers.”
Thea leaned her head onto Adrian’s shoulder and felt him still, but didn’t retract herself. Maybe it was selfish to want this proximity to him, and if it was, then she was selfish. She hated how she felt half the time, but when she was with him, it was like her brain cleared. At least for a short while.
“Did you find them?” Adrian asked, voice trembling slightly.
“No. Just more questions.” Thea sighed and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to talk about Kieran anymore. She didn’t want to feel the guilt over what he’d become or over Ethel’s death. She didn’t want to feel anything. She needed to survive this for her child and for her kingdom, but somewhere along the line she’d lost the will to survive for herself. When she was with Adrian, it felt a little easier, but nothing ever made the pain disappear. She wondered if she would have to live with it for the rest of her life, or if it might ever fade.
“I’m sorry,” Adrian said and Thea smiled a little.
“Two apologies in less than five minutes. That has to be a record.”
She rested her hand on top of his, never opening her eyes, and sighed. “I just wish I knew what to do.”
“Me too.” Adrian leaned his head to rest on top of her hair and she felt his deep inhale against her scalp. In this moment, the idea of moving on felt plausible, but it would never be fair to Adrian, even if he felt the same way. She could be happy for these moments. She could escape into this alternate reality where he would hold her and keep her safe. But it would never be the love story she’d had with Kieran, and Adrian deserved that epic love. He deserved someone who could love him back with their entire being. Someone who would go to the ends of the earth for him.
Thea began to pull away, knowing this moment needed to be stopped before it went too far, but Adrian’s hand twisted around hers as he said, “Don’t.”
A million emotions flooded that single word, and Thea opened her eyes to see them reflected in his gaze.
Go, she told herself. Before you hurt him.
But her body did not listen to her head. Instead, she let him press his forehead against hers and inhaled the scent of fresh snow and pine off his skin. Slowly, his thumb brushed against the back of her hand as his hazel eyes met her gray ones.
“I don’t want to hurt you too,” Thea
said, voice cracking.
“Then don’t,” Adrian responded. “Just stay here with me. We don’t have to do anything else.”
She saw the desire in his eyes, but he knew the consequences as well as she did. Even if this solved her problem tonight, it would still be there in the morning. So she nodded her head, despite her brain telling her it was a bad idea, and let him pull her into his arms, curling up on the tiny space of his bed with her head pressed to his chest. There she listened as his heart raced against his chest, and let him stroke her hair down her back. When his fingertips glided across the veins of her wings, she shuddered and closed her eyes.
Time and again, he would trace those veins and Thea’s fingers would tighten around the material of his tunic, but then he would only kiss the top of her head and say nothing. She knew he felt her reactions as much as she felt his own, but still, he held himself back and so did she, because nothing good could come of them being together. Only heartache and more pain.
That was not something Thea wished upon him or anyone else in her life.
“I wish—” Adrian started to say, but Thea shook her head.
“Wishing won’t change what is,” she said quietly and nuzzled against his chest. “But if it makes any difference, I wish too sometimes.”
Adrian didn’t respond to that, but Thea didn’t need to know his thoughts. Again his fingers traced along the veins of her wings, slowly settling onto her back, and with each gentle stroke Thea drifted to sleep peacefully. For the first time in months, she did not fear what the morning would bring, but rather settled into the comfort of Adrian’s warm embrace, listening to his steady breath as he also drifted into sleep.
Chapter 23
The pounding knock on the door startled Thea and Adrian awake. Thea blinked her eyes open against the morning light from the open window as Adrian groaned and pulled the pillow directly from beneath Thea’s head to get more comfortable.