The History of Pendennis

by William Makepeace Thackeray

  CHAPTER XLIV. In which the Colonel narrates some of his Adventures

  Early in the forenoon of the day after the dinner in Grosvenor Place,at which Colonel Altamont had chosen to appear, the Colonel emergedfrom his chamber in the upper story at Shepherd's Inn, and entered intoStrong's sitting-room, where the Chevalier sate in his easy-chair withthe newspaper and his cigar. He was a man who made his tent comfortablewherever he pitched it, and long before Altamont's arrival, had donejustice to a copious breakfast of fried eggs and broiled rashers, whichMr. Grady had prepared secundum artem. Good-humoured and talkative, hepreferred any company rather than none; and though he had not the leastliking for his fellow-lodger, and would not have grieved to hear thatthe accident had befallen him which Sir Francis Clavering desired sofervently, yet kept on fair terms with him. He had seen Altamont to bedwith great friendliness on the night previous, and taken away his candlefor fear of accidents; and finding a spirit-bottle empty, upon which hehad counted for his nocturnal refreshment, had drunk a glass of waterwith perfect contentment over his pipe, before he turned into his owncrib and to sleep. That enjoyment never failed him: he had always aneasy temper, a faultless digestion, and a rosy cheek; and whether he wasgoing into action the next morning or to prison (and both had been hislot), in the camp or the Fleet, the worthy Captain snored healthfullythrough the night, and woke with a good heart and appetite, for thestruggles or difficulties or pleasures of the day.

  The first act of Colonel Altamont was to bellow to Grady for a pintof pale ale, the which he first poured into a pewter flagon, whence hetransferred it to his own lips. He put down the tankard empty, drew agreat breath, wiped his mouth in his dressing-gown (the difference ofthe colour of his beard from his dyed whiskers had long struck CaptainStrong, who had seen too that his hair was fair under his black wig,but made no remarks upon these circumstances)--the Colonel drew agreat breath, and professed himself immensely refreshed by his draught."Nothing like that beer," he remarked, "when the coppers are hot. Many aday I've drunk a dozen of Bass at Calcutta, and--and----"

  "And at Lucknow, I suppose," Strong said with a laugh. "I got thebeer for you on purpose: knew you'd want it after last night." And theColonel began to talk about his adventures of the preceding evening.

  "I cannot help myself," the Colonel said, beating his head with his bighand. "I'm a madman when I get the liquor on board me; and ain't fitto be trusted with a spirit-bottle. When I once begin I can't stop tillI've emptied it; and when I've swallowed it, Lord knows what I say orwhat I don't say. I dined at home here quite quiet. Grady gave me justmy two tumblers, and I intended to pass the evening at the Black and Redas sober as a parson. Why did you leave that confounded sample-bottle ofHollands out of the cupboard, Strong? Grady must go out too, and leaveme the kettle a-boiling for tea. It was of no use, I couldn't keep awayfrom it. Washed it all down, sir, by Jove. And it's my belief I had somemore, too, afterwards at that infernal little thieves' den."

  "What, were you there too?" Strong asked, "and before you came toGrosvenor Place? That was beginning betimes."

  "Early hours to be drunk and cleared out before nine o'clock, eh? Butso it was. Yes, like a great big fool, I must go there; and found thefellows dining, Blackland and young Moss, and two or three more of thethieves. If we'd gone to Rouge et Noir, I must have won. But we didn'ttry the black and red. No, hang 'em, they know'd I'd have beat 'em atthat--I must have beat 'em--I can't help beating 'em, I tell you. Butthey was too cunnin for me. That rascal Blackland got the bones out, andwe played hazard on the dining-table. And I dropped all the money I hadfrom you in the morning, be hanged to my luck. It was that that set mewild, and I suppose I must have been very hot about the head, for I wentoff thinking to get some more money from Clavering, I recollect; andthen--and then I don't much remember what happened till I woke thismorning, and heard old Bows at No. 4 playing on his pianner."

  Strong mused for a while as he lighted his cigar with a coal, "I shouldlike to know how you always draw money from Clavering, Colonel," hesaid.

  The Colonel burst out with a laugh--"Ha, ha! he owes it me," he said.

  "I don't know that that's a reason with Frank for paying," Stronganswered. "He owes plenty besides you."

  "Well, he gives it me because he is so fond of me," the other said withthe same grinning sneer. "He loves me like a brother; you know he does,Captain.--No?--He don't?--Well, perhaps he don't; and if you ask me noquestions, perhaps I'll tell you no lies, Captain Strong--put that inyour pipe and smoke it, my boy."

  "But I'll give up that confounded brandy-bottle," the Colonel continued,after a pause. "I must give it up, or it'll be the ruin of me."

  "It makes you say queer things," said the Captain, looking Altamont hardin the face. "Remember what you said last night, at Clavering's table."

  "Say? What did I say?" asked the other hastily. "Did I split anything?Dammy, Strong, did I split anything?"

  "Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies," the Chevalierreplied on his part. Strong thought of the words Mr. Altamont had used,and his abrupt departure from the Baronet's dining-table and house assoon as he recognised Major Pendennis, or Captain Beak, as he calledthe Major. But Strong resolved to seek an explanation of these wordsotherwise than from Colonel Altamont, and did not choose to recall themto the other's memory. "No," he said then, "you didn't split as youcall it, Colonel; it was only a trap of mine to see if I could make youspeak; but you didn't say a word that anybody could comprehend--you weretoo far gone for that."

  So much the better, Altamont thought; and heaved a great sigh, as ifrelieved. Strong remarked the emotion, but took no notice, and the otherbeing in a communicative mood, went on speaking.

  "Yes, I own to my faults," continued the Colonel. "There is some thingsI can't, do what I will, resist: a bottle of brandy, a box of dice, anda beautiful woman. No man of pluck and spirit, no man as was worth hissalt ever could, as I know of. There's hardly p'raps a country in theworld in which them three ain't got me into trouble."

  "Indeed?" said Strong.

  "Yes, from the age of fifteen, when I ran away from home, and wentcabin-boy on board an Indiaman, till now, when I'm fifty year old,pretty nigh, them women have always been my ruin. Why, it was one of'em, and with such black eyes and jewels on her neck, and Battens andermine like a duchess, I tell you--it was one of 'em at Paris that sweptoff the best part of the thousand pound as I went off with. Didn't Iever tell you of it? Well, I don't mind. At first I was very cautiousand having such a lot of money kept it close and lived like agentleman--Colonel Altamont, Meurice's hotel, and that sort ofthing--never played, except at the public tables, and won more than Ilost. Well, sir, there was a chap that I saw at the hotel and the PalaceRoyal too, a regular swell fellow, with white kid gloves and a tuft tohis chin, Bloundell-Bloundell his name was, as I made acquaintance withsomehow, and he asked me to dinner, and took me to Madame the Countessde Foljambe's soirees--such a woman, Strong!--such an eye! such a handat the pianner. Lor bless you, she'd sit down and sing to you, and gazeat you, until she warbled your soul out of your body a'most. Sheasked me to go to her evening parties every Toosday; and didn't I takeopera-boxes and give her dinners at the restauranteur's, that's all?But I had a run of luck at the tables, and it was not in the dinners andopera-boxes that poor Clavering's money went. No, be hanged to it, itwas swept off in another way. One night, at the Countess's, therewas several of us at supper--Mr. Bloundell-Bloundell, the HonourableDeuceace, the Marky de la Tour de Force--all tip-top nobs, sir, and theheight of fashion, when we had supper, and champagne you may be surein plenty, and then some of that confounded brandy. I would have it--Iwould it go on at it--the Countess mixed the tumblers of punch for me,and we had cards as well as grog after supper, and I played and drankuntil I don't know what I did. I was like I was last night. I was takenaway and put to bed somehow, and never woke until the next day, toa roaring headache, and to see my servant, who said the HonourableDeuceace wanted to see me, and was waiting in the sitting-room.
'How areyou, Colonel?' says he, a coming into my bedroom. 'How long did you staylast night after I went away? The play was getting too high for me, andI'd lost enough to you for one night.'"

  "'To me,' says I, 'how's that, my dear feller? (for though he was anEarl's son, we was as familiar as you and me). How's that, my dearfeller?' says I, and he tells me, that he had borrowed thirty louis ofme at vingt-et-un, that he gave me an I.O.U. for it the night before,which I put into my pocket-book before he left the room. I takes out mycard-case--it was the Countess as worked it for me--and there was theI.O.U. sure enough, and he paid me thirty louis in gold down upon thetable at my bedside. So I said he was a gentleman, and asked him if hewould like to take anything, when my servant should get it for him; butthe Honourable Deuceace don't drink of a morning, and he went away tosome business which he said he had.

  "Presently there's another ring at my outer door; and this time it'sBloundell-Bloundell and the Marky that comes in. 'Bong jour, Marky,'says I. 'Good morning--no headache?' says he. So I said I had one;and how I must have been uncommon queer the night afore; but they bothdeclared I didn't show no signs of having had too much, but took myliquor as grave as a judge.

  "'So,' says the Marky, 'Deuceace has been with you; we met him in thePalais Royal as we were coming from breakfast. Has he settled with you?Get it while you can: he's a slippery card; and as he won three poniesof Bloundell, I recommend you to get your money while he has some.'

  "'He has paid me,' says I; 'but I knew no more than the dead that heowed me anything, and don't remember a bit about lending him thirtylouis.'

  "The Marky and Bloundell looks and smiles at each other at this; andBloundell says, 'Colonel, you are a queer feller. No man could havesupposed, from your manners, that you had tasted anything strongerthan tea all night, and yet you forget things in the morning. Come,come,--tell that to the marines, my friend,--we won't have it at anyprice.'

  "'En efet,' says the Marky, twiddling his little black mustachios inthe chimney-glass, and making a lunge or two as he used to do at thefencing-school. (He was a wonder at the fencing-school, and I've seenhim knock down the image fourteen times running, at Lepage's.) 'Let usspeak of affairs. Colonel, you understand that affairs of honour arebest settled at once: perhaps it won't be inconvenient to you to arrangeour little matters of last night.'

  "'What little matters?' says I. 'Do you owe me any money, Marky?'

  "'Bah!' says he; 'do not let us have any more jesting. I have your noteof hand for three hundred and forty louis. La voia!' says he, taking outa paper from his pocket-book.

  "'And mine for two hundred and ten,' says Bloundell-Bloundell, and hepulls out his bit of paper.

  "I was in such a rage of wonder at this, that I sprang out of bed, andwrapped my dressing-gown round me. 'Are you come here to make a foolof me?' says I. 'I don't owe you two hundred, or two thousand, or twolouis; and I won't pay you a farthing. Do you suppose you can catch mewith your notes of hand? I laugh at 'em and at you; and I believe you tobe a couple----.'

  "'A couple of what?' says Mr. Bloundell. 'You, of course, are aware thatwe are a couple of men of honour, Colonel Altamont, and not come here totrifle or to listen to abuse from you. You will either pay us or wewill expose you as a cheat, and chastise you as a cheat, too,' saysBloundell.

  "'Oui, parbleu,' says the Marky,--but I didn't mind him, for I couldhave thrown the little fellow out of the window; but it was differentwith Bloundell,--he was a large man, that weighs three stone more thanme, and stands six inches higher, and I think he could have done for me.

  "'Monsieur will pay, or Monsieur will give me the reason why. I believeyou're little better than a polisson, Colonel Altamont,'--that was thephrase he used--Altamont said with a grin--and I got plenty more ofthis language from the two fellows, and was in the thick of the row withthem, when another of our party came in. This was a friend of mine--agent I had met at Boulogne, and had taken to the Countess's myself.And as he hadn't played at all on the previous night, and had actuallywarned me against Bloundell and the others, I told the story to him, andso did the other two.

  "'I am very sorry,' says he. 'You would go on playing: the Countessentreated you to discontinue. These gentlemen offered repeatedly tostop. It was you that insisted on the large stakes, not they.' In facthe charged dead against me: and when the two others went away, he toldme how the Marky would shoot me as sure as my name was--was what it is.'I left the Countess crying, too,' said he. 'She hates these two men;she has warned you repeatedly against them'( which she actually haddone, and often told me never to play with them), 'and now, Colonel,I have left her in hysterics almost, lest there should be any quarrelbetween you, and that confounded Marky should put a bullet through yourhead. It's my belief,' says my friend, 'that that woman is distractedlyin love with you.'

  "'Do you think so?' says I; upon which my friend told me how she hadactually gone down on her knees to him and 'Save Colonel Altamont!'

  "As soon as I was dressed, I went and called upon that lovely woman.She gave a shriek and pretty near fainted when she saw me. She called meFerdinand,--I'm blest if she didn't."

  "I thought your name was Jack," said Strong, with a laugh; at which theColonel blushed very much behind his dyed whiskers.

  "A man may have more names than one, mayn't he, Strong?" Altamont asked."When I'm with a lady, I like to take a good one. She called me by myChristian name. She cried fit to break your heart. I can't stand seeinga woman cry--never could--not whilst I'm fond of her. She said she couldbear not to think of my losing so much money in her house. Wouldn't Itake her diamonds and necklaces, and pay part?

  "I swore I wouldn't touch a farthing's worth of her jewellery, whichperhaps I did not think was worth a great deal,--but what can a woman domore than give you her all? That's the sort I like, and I know there'splenty of 'em. And I told her to be easy about the money, for I wouldnot pay one single farthing.

  "'Then they'll shoot you,' says she; 'they'll kill my Ferdinand.'"

  "They'll kill my Jack wouldn't have sounded well in French," Strongsaid, laughing.

  "Never mind about names," said the other, sulkily; "a man of honour maytake any name he chooses, I suppose."

  "Well, go on with your story," said Strong. "She said they would killyou."

  "'No,' says I, 'they won't: for I will not let that scamp of a Marquissend me out of the world; and if he lays a hand on me, I'll brain him,Marquis as he is.'

  "At this the Countess shrank back from me as if I had said somethingvery shocking. 'Do I understand Colonel Altamont aright?' says she: 'andthat a British officer refuses to meet any person who provokes him tothe field of honour?'

  "'Field of honour be hanged, Countess,' says I. 'You would not have mebe a target for that little scoundrel's pistol practice.'

  "'Colonel Altamont,' says the Countess, 'I thought you were a manof honour--I thought, I--but no matter. Good-bye, sir.'--And shewas sweeping out of the room, her voice regular choking in herpocket-handkerchief.

  "'Countess!' says I, rushing after her and seizing her hand.

  "'Leave me, Monsieur le Colonel,' says she, shaking me off, 'my fatherwas a General of the Grand Army. A soldier should know how to pay allhis debts of honour.'

  "What could I do? Everybody was against me. Caroline said I had lostthe money: though I didn't remember a syllable about the business. I hadtaken Deuceace's money too; but then it was because he offered it to meyou know, and that's a different thing. Every one of these chaps was aman of fashion and honour; and the Marky and the Countess of the firstfamilies in France. And, by Jove, sir, rather than offend her, I paidthe money up five hundred and sixty gold Napoleons, by Jove: besidesthree hundred which I lost when I had my revenge.

  "And I can't tell you at this minute whether I was done or not,"concluded the Colonel, musing. "Sometimes I think I was: but thenCaroline was so fond of me. That woman would never have seen me done:never, I'm sure she wouldn't: at least, if she would, I'm deceived inwoman."

  Any further rev
elations of his past life which Altamont might havebeen disposed to confide to his honest comrade the Chevalier, wereinterrupted by a knocking at the outer door of their chambers; which,when opened by Grady the servant, admitted no less a person than SirFrancis Clavering into the presence of the two worthies.

  "The Governor, by Jove," cried Strong, regarding the arrival of hispatron with surprise. "What's brought you here?" growled Altamont,looking sternly from under his heavy eyebrows at the Baronet. "It'sno good, I warrant." And indeed, good very seldom brought Sir FrancisClavering into that or any other place.

  Whenever he came into Shepherd's Inn it was money that brought theunlucky baronet into those precincts; and there was commonly a gentlemanof the money-dealing world in waiting for him at Strong's chambers, orat Campion's below; and a question of bills to negotiate or to renew.Claverng was a man who had never looked his debts fairly in the face,familiar as he had been with them all his life; as long as he couldrenew a bill, his mind was easy regarding it; and he would sign almostanything for to-morrow, provided to-day could be left unmolested. Hewas a man whom scarcely any amount of fortune could have benefitedpermanently, and who was made to be ruined to cheat small tradesmen, tobe the victim of astuter sharpers: to be niggardly and reckless, and asdestitute of honesty as the people who cheated him, and a dupe, chieflybecause he was too mean to be a successful knave. He had told more liesin his time, and undergone more baseness of stratagem in order tostave off a small debt, or to swindle a poor creditor, than would havesufficed to make a fortune for a braver rogue. He was abject and ashuffler in the very height of his prosperity. Had he been a CrownPrince--he could not have been more weak, useless, dissolute orungrateful. He could not move through life except leaning on the armof somebody: and yet he never had an agent but he mistrusted him; andmarred any plans which might be arranged for his benefit, and secretlyacting against the people whom he employed. Strong knew Clavering andjudged him quite correctly. It was not as friends that this pair met:but the Chevalier worked for his principal, as he would when in the armyhave pursued a harassing march, or undergone his part in the dangerand privations of a siege; because it was his duty, and because hehad agreed to it. "What is it he wants?" thought the officers of theShepherd's Inn garrison when the Baronet came among them.

  His pale face expressed extreme anger and irritation. "So sir," he said,addressing Altamont, "you've been at your old tricks."

  "Which of 'um?" asked Altamont, with a sneer.

  "You have been at the Rouge et Noir: you were there last night," criedthe Baronet.

  "How do you know,--were you there?" the other said. "I was at the Clubbut it wasn't on the colours I played,--ask the Captain,--I've beentelling him of it. It was with the bones. It was at hazard, Sir Francis,upon my word and honour it was;" and he looked at the Baronet with aknowing humorous mock humility, which only seemed to make the other moreangry.

  "What the deuce do I care, sir, how a man like you loses his money,and whether it is at hazard or roulette?" screamed the Baronet, witha multiplicity of oaths, and at the top of his voice. "What I willnot have, sir, is that you should use my name, or couple it withyours.--Damn him, Strong, why don't you keep him in better order? I tellyou he has gone and used my name again, sir,--drawn a bill upon me, andlost the money on the table--I can't stand it--I won't stand it. Fleshand blood won't bear it--Do you know how much I have paid for you, sir?"

  "This was only a very little 'un, Sir Francis--only fifteen pound,Captain Strong, they wouldn't stand another: and it oughtn't to angeryou, Governor. Why, it's so trifling I did not even mention it toStrong,--did I now, Captain? I protest it had quite slipped my memory,and all on account of that confounded liquor I took."

  "Liquor or no liquor, sir, it is no business of mine. I don't care whatyou drink, or where you drink it--only it shan't be in my house. And Iwill not have you breaking into my house of a night, and a fellow likeyou intruding himself on my company: how dared you show yourself inGrosvenor Place last night, sir,--and--and what do you suppose myfriends must think of me when they see a man of your sort walking intomy dining-room uninvited, and drunk, and calling for liquor as if youwere the master of the house?"

  "They'll think you know some very queer sort of people, I dare say,"Altamont said with impenetrable good-humour. "Look here, Baronet, Iapologise; on my honour I do, and ain't an apology enough between twogentlemen? It was a strong measure I own, walking into your cuddy,and calling for drink as if I was the Captain: but I had had too muchbefore, you see, that's why I wanted some more; nothing can be moresimple--and it was because they wouldn't give me no more money upon yourname at the Black and Red, that I thought I would come down and speakto you about it. To refuse me was nothing: but to refuse a bill drawnon you that have been such a friend to the shop, and are a baronet anda member of parliament, and a gentleman and no mistake--Damme, itsungrateful."

  "By heavens, if ever you do it again--if ever you dare show to yourselfin my house; or give my name at a gambling-house or at any other house,by Jove--at any other house--or give any reference at all to me, orspeak to me in the street, by God, or anywhere else until I speak toyou--I disclaim you altogether--I won't give you another shilling."

  "Governor, don't be provoking," Altamont said surlily. "Don't talk to meabout daring to do this thing or t'other, or when my dander is up it'sthe very thing to urge me on. I oughtn't to have come last night, I knowI oughtn't: but I told you I was drunk, and that ought to be sufficientbetween gentleman and gentleman."

  "You a gentleman! dammy, sir," said the Baronet, "how dares a fellowlike you to call himself a gentleman?"

  "I ain't a baronet, I know," growled the other; "and I've forgotten howto be a gentleman almost now, but--but I was one, once, and my fatherwas one, and I'll not have this sort of talk from you, Sir F. Clavering,that's flat. I want to go abroad again. Why don't you come down with themoney, and let me go? Why the devil are you to be rolling in riches, andme to have none? Why should you have a house and a table covered withplate, and me be in a garret here in this beggarly Shepherd's Inn? We'repartners, ain't we? I'd as good a right to be rich as you have, haven'tI? Tell the story to Strong here, if you like; and ask him to be umpirebetween us. I don't mind letting my secret out to a man that won'tsplit. Look here, Strong--perhaps you guess the story already--the factis, me and the Governor----"

  "D----, hold your tongue," shrieked out the Baronet in a fury. "Youshall have the money as soon as I can get it. I ain't made of money. I'mso pressed and badgered, I don't know where to turn. I shall go mad;by Jove, I shall. I wish I was dead, for I'm the most miserable brutealive. I say, Mr. Altamont, don't mind me. When I'm out of health--andI'm devilish bilious this morning--hang me, I abuse everybody, and don'tknow what I say. Excuse me if I've offended you. I--I'll try and getthat little business done. Strong shall try. Upon my word he shall. AndI say, Strong, my boy, I want to speak to you. Come into the office fora minute."

  Almost all Clavering's assaults ended in this ignominious way, and ina shameful retreat. Altamont sneered after the Baronet as he left theroom, and entered into the office, to talk privately with his factotum.

  "What is the matter now?" the latter asked of him. "It's the old story,I suppose."

  "D---- it, yes," the Baronet said. "I dropped two hundred in ready moneyat the Little Coventry last night, and gave a cheque for three hundredmore. On her ladyship's bankers, too, for to-morrow; and I must meetit, for there'll be the deuce to pay else. The last time she paid myplay-debts, I swore I would not touch a dice-box again, and she'll keepher word, Strong, and dissolve partnership, if I go on. I wish I hadthree hundred a year, and was away. At a German watering-place youcan do devilish well with three hundred a year. But my habits are sod-----reckless: I wish I was in the Serpentine. I wish I was dead, byGad I wish I was. I wish I had never touched those confounded bones. Ihad such a run of luck last night, with five for the main, and seven tofive all night, until those ruffians wanted to pay me with Altamont'sbill upon me. The luck turne
d from that minute. Never held the box againfor three mains, and came away cleared out, leaving that infernal chequebehind me. How shall I pay it? Blackland won't hold it over. Hulker andBullock will write about it directly to her ladyship. By Jove, Ned, I'mthe most miserable brute in all England."

  It was necessary for Ned to devise some plan to console the Baronetunder this pressure of grief; and no doubt he found the means ofprocuring a loan for his patron, for he was closeted at Mr. Campion'soffices that day for some time. Altamont had once more a guinea or twoin his pocket, with a promise of a further settlement; and the Baronethad no need to wish himself dead for the next two or three months atleast. And Strong, putting together what he had learned from the Coloneland Sir Francis, began to form in his own mind a pretty accurate opinionas to the nature of the tie which bound the two men together.