Victima

by K R Leikvoll

  Kirin carried me and walked ahead. It was in silence for a while as I fought my desire to pass out or cry. Instead, I leaned my face into his chest, trying not to vividly relive Ronen's death in my mind. Poor Alexandra was to be trapped in the Void... probably forever. Kirin's expressionless face worried me. It made me feel like he might randomly disappear the moment I took my eyes off of him.

  "I know what you're thinking, but it's not your fault.” My words hung in the air with no reply. He wasn't ready to talk, but I couldn't trust him not to do something reckless, like chasing Raven or Lazarus. I reached my hands up and held his face. He gradually stopped walking, still unable to speak. I pulled myself up enough in his arms to briefly press my lips against his. He didn't even respond physically.

  "There was nothing else we could do. Alex wouldn't have wanted to live that way," I whispered.

  Kirin leaned against a tree and slid down to sit. "Alexandra should have led you out of the Capitol. I should have stayed behind."

  "Wrong. We would have never been able to escape the tower in Himmel. This is all shitty luck and Lazarus. Don't beat yourself up," I pleaded with him.

  "How many more people are going to suffer because of me?" Kirin asked, staring at his hands and deciding not to listen to me.

  I forced my way from his grasp and crouched down beside him to achieve eye level. "Listen to me. All the bad shit that's happened isn't your fault. It's Nakarius and Lazarus... and Vince. Blame them! Lazarus did the Dark Sacrament to Alex, not you," I said, powering through his pained expression. "Lydris killed and betrayed Danielle, not you. Eve ran off and got herself captured, that wasn't your fault either. You can't keep thinking every bad thing that happens is your fault."

  "But—" he started in protest, but I interrupted him.

  "But nothing. The truth is, if everything has happened so I can be here, right now, then it's my fault. Alexandra wouldn't want you breaking down. We need to be strong so we can beat them," I said holding his face so hard in my hands that it hurt. His hands held mine, still staring into space. He was slowly starting to come back to reality.

  I kissed his forehead, desperately trying to reach him.

  Kirin finally allowed himself to grieve. He wrapped his arms back around me and pulled me into a tight embrace, burying his face into my neck. I felt his tears slipping underneath the collar of my tunic. I didn't move to wipe them away; I held him as tight as I could and stifled my own desire to cry.

  I hadn't lost as many people as Kirin, but the grief was just the same. Like Alvir, I felt like I had known Alex so much longer than I had. Not only that, but Ronen was lost to us now, too. He was always so nice and never once got angry or snapped at me. He was a good friend; probably the most stable friendship I had been able to maintain on Praetis.

  We stayed that way until the party from the death camp caught up to us. Jotus rode in front with the blonde, followed by Arubai and my katoma, then the slow-moving people we liberated. In the very back, Arturio was carrying two wrapped bodies. I had to force myself to look away. I needed to stay strong.

  Kirin carried me to my cat and assisted me in getting up. It was difficult to sit upright, but I gripped the saddle as hard as I could with my thighs. I grabbed onto his hand tightly not wanting him to leave.

  "I won't go anywhere," he promised as he let go and made his way back to Arturio.

  When we reached the camp, there was a massive uproar. Some of the captives were mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, children of our army. Everyone was crying. All around me people were expressing that they doubted that their loved ones had been alive that whole time. Since everyone was preoccupied, I made my way back to my tent… just barely.

  I was relieved to find it the way I left it, dried blood and all. I laid down on my makeshift bed and tried not to pass out. No passing out, especially no week-long comas. Not from me. I certainly had brain damage from everything, and I didn't intend on making it worse by sleeping with a concussion. Since I was alone and everyone was distracted, I took the time to cry.

  I cried for Alexandra in the Void. I cried for Ronen who was taken without hesitation. I cried for Kirin who had lost nearly all he held dear. I cried about needing James' guidance. I cried for Eve, murdered and tortured senselessly. I even cried for myself; for my own soul. I'm not a religious or spiritual person, even though I was sort of forced into the latter. Despite that, I couldn't fight the overwhelming feeling that the presence of demonic essence in me might damn me to some sort of hell like Alex.

  The squire from before entered my tent, cheeks rosy with happiness. He brought a goblet of water instead of a vase. "Do you need anything else, Divinus?" he asked me beaming with a smile.

  I couldn't find the will to mirror it. "Yes, please help me find Kirin," I said, forcing myself out of bed.

  The squire's smile faded and he hesitantly assisted me in standing up. He left quickly to look for Kirin, while I crossed to the council's tent. I collapsed into the farthest chair and rested my head on the table. I had a purpose; I wasn't lying on the table for no reason. My brain was throbbing angrily in pain and resting it felt like the best solution.

  The council sat around the blonde girl Jotus had brought back, along with Arubai. In a language I didn't understand, she was speaking rapidly to the group with tears in her eyes. When she saw me, she immediately stopped crying and stood up. I thought maybe I might've offended her, but it was the opposite crap as usual. I tried not to mind it as she held her hands up to praise me.

  "Don't mention it," I mumbled through my headache.

  "You should be resting," Sylvia said softly to me, to which I sat up ready to respond and fight.

  "No. It's bad to sleep with a concussion. I've got to stay awake," I protested. "Actually, I had a few questions for…" I motioned toward the girl. The blonde nodded and kneeled by my side.

  "What do you wish to know, Divinus?" she asked in a slightly accented voice.

  "How did you all know to contact me?" I replied, genuinely wanting to know.

  She seemed confused. "We thought we would die in that place. The spells that the dark one put on us were too heavy for any communion," she said shrugging. "The light told you to find us."

  I didn't believe it was random chance. The chanting of my name in my dream could've only been known by one person there and that was Alex. Even inside the demonic hell that became her mind, she somehow found enough strength to call out to me. Even after the Sacrament, some light remained. In the end, there was no way for Lazarus to truly break her spirit. It could've been the light finding me, but I refused to believe it wasn't her. And if she called to me to save them, she must've wanted to be permanently freed from being a blood slave.

  The blonde went on to tell us her experience at the camp which was hard to hear. Men, women and children were subjected to Raven's experiments. She talked about how his favorite thing to meddle with was plagues and diseases powered by his scythe Pestilence. He'd infect people and force them to spread it to others, especially ones they may have a personal connection to in the camp. Others spared from disease tests were subjugated to torture, both psychological and physical. Those that died in the process were brought back as thralls under the sway of his necromancy. She wasn't able to continue when reaching the part where he turned some into lesser demons. The idea must've been incomprehensible to her.

  I got lost in my own mind while she talked. As fearful as I was of war and battle, I wanted to kill Lazarus with my own hands. Kill her... kill Raven... kill Lydris. They were the cancer eating the entire planet. I wasn't even thinking of what they had done to me personally anymore; I was thinking of it all as a whole. They deserved a horrid, torture-filled death—even though I knew they'd be spared, since it was too much of a liability to hesitate killing them.

  Ignoring their advice about rest, I made my way out of the tent. Kirin was entering the camp to meet me. I knew where we were going without having to ask. We slipped into the dark forest without anyone
stopping us. He was so defeated inside. It killed me, but I said nothing. It was silent on our trek; there was nothing either of us could think of to say. Even the spirits of the woods were quiet in our grief.

  We entered a small, circular clearing. Mortos and Arturio were already there, setting up a pyre. Alexandra was lying next to Ronen, who looked whole with how he was delicately arranged. Arturio had removed the green wings from Alex at some point as they were nowhere to be seen. She looked so peaceful and serene with her eyes closed, like she was only sleeping. I felt a knife in my heart when I remembered again that she was lost in the Void somewhere, denied the pleasure of basking in the light she had served her entire life.

  When they finished the pyre and took a step back, we all sat in silence. Nobody knew how to begin. Mortos appeared as we had hours previously: completely in shock. I doubt he expected us to come back without Ronen, let alone the stuff with Alexandra. Arturio limply took off the bone bow and laid it at her feet, maybe with the thought that it could serve her to battle the monsters in the Void.

  Mortos cleared his throat. "There was not a beast alive that could defeat the cunning Ronen," he declared to them and the forest. "And Alexandra, may you rest knowing that the end of Nakarius draws near."

  "Mother," Arturio breathed next, referring to Alex. "They will pay for their crimes. Vengeance will rain down as the holy light smites their corruption. There is no rest for the nefarious. Their sins will torment them for all eternity and they will never know peace. I will never forget your kindness and grace to me—a monster. The light hasn't forsaken you. May it breach the depth of the Void and bring you back to its divine embrace."

  We all looked at Kirin, wrought with grief on his distant face. He walked to the side of the pyre and pulled her lifeless hand into his. His lips brushed her skin, inhaling her one last time. Even from a few feet away, I could see his entire body shaking with emotions. He brought his other hand to her face and stroked her cheek. A master burying his apprentice.

  "You're not alone, Alex. I'm coming for you," he said, his voice suggesting he was holding back tears. "I'll be there soon. We will face the Void together."

  Kirin separated himself from my fallen aunt and summoned crimson flames to his hands. He lit the pyre, practically standing in it himself. I mentally thanked both Ronen and Alex for their protection, wisdom and aid as the fire began to engulf it all. The ring buzzed softly in my hand, catching my attention.

  "Lux Eterna," I whispered numbly, lifting it to the air. Though nothing physically happened, I felt a wave of reassuring light. I imagined it was James, telling me it was all going to be okay.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Kirin's gentle hand in my hair roused me from my unrestful sleep. I was wrapped tightly in his arms, resting under his chin, beneath his cloak on the forest floor. I opened my eyes, registering the world around me. Every part of my soul was met with sadness when I realized I was no longer in my peaceful dreams.

  After the liberation of the death camp, the army had continued its march westbound out of Evya and toward Kaza'mae. Weeks passed incredibly slow. It was filled entirely with non-stop moving. The supplies for tents were too much apparently after the addition of a hundred new Evyans and Kaz’moran. I'm not sure why, that's just the reason they gave me. In any case, Mortos, Arturio and I couldn't keep up with their ridiculous expectations. Mortos was given a katoma which helped him function; I couldn't continuously cling to the cats. Eventually, Kirin persuaded them to let me rest a single night and catch up via katoma.

  I nestled my way closer to him rather than get up. His lips brushed the top of my head as he inhaled the scent of my hair. It was silly; at one point I was terrified of the idea of being alone with him and now that's all I wanted. If things went as planned, I doubted I'd really get any alone time with him until it was all over with Nakarius. The thought chilled me. I tightened my arms around him to trap him in an embrace as if I could escape by closing my eyes and holding on.

  For those weeks following Alexandra and Ronen's funeral, all I could think about was Kirin's words to her. About how he would see her soon. About how he was going to meet her in the Void. I had been under the impression that he would return with me to Earth. The idea of him not coming back with me was unfathomable. My mind wouldn't allow thoughts about him dying... or going to the Void. I was so terrified of losing someone again, I hadn't found the strength to confront him.

  Kirin searched for my lips and kissed me for a while. The tranquility of everything nearby was tempting us to stay together and never part. The river, fed from the ocean, crashed peacefully beside us. It drowned out any other sounds the forest may have emitted, permitting us to be truly alone. I wasn't denying it to myself anymore; I was entirely in love with him. Despite his flaws. Despite his demonic nature. Despite everything.

  Kirin nuzzled my nose and stared into my eyes. I wonder what he saw; someone who cared about him, or Vince?

  I looked away, unable to keep his gaze.

  He noticed my sadness and let out a despondent sigh. "I don't want to leave either," he murmured. He hugged me tightly before helping me to my feet. We both longingly glanced at the river at the same time; thinking the same thing. His hands untied my corset behind my back while I refused to separate from our embrace.

  After undressing, we made our way into the frigid water. I didn't care what temperature it was; I was in desperate need of a bath. The current was so strong Kirin had to body block the current to keep me from being pulled away, and I didn't mind that either. He helped me work the dirt out of my skin and hair.

  I still couldn't shift my thoughts from losing him to the Void, no matter how hard I tried to focus on everything else. The cold water on my skin, the breeze, his touch... nothing. My brain was ready to shut down. Nobody was waiting for me on the other side. I would have to face everything alone. No James... No Kirin...

  "Val, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing," I whispered, trying not to fall apart entirely.

  He shook his head. "Stupid girl, I know when you're lying," he said with a half-smile.

  I started to shake; I'm not sure if it was from the temperature or… "What did you mean… what you said to Alex?" I asked with a quivering voice. I tried to sound like my usual self, but it was impossible. How could I kill three Void Lords alone? How could I let Kirin go?

  His eyes zoned out as he recalled his last words to her. The silence was deafening. We made our way out of the river and started getting dressed. Still nothing to say. It was breaking me into tiny little pieces.

  "Kirin?" I said accusingly, tugging on his arm as he grabbed his bag.

  The expression on his face said it all. It had been a while since James died; I had almost forgotten the sensation of losing someone incredibly close to me. It was worse than any flame. He sat down slowly and took me into his arms. My heart was throbbing so viciously I thought it would tear its way from my rib cage. His fingers intertwined with mine and he kissed my hand deep in thought.

  "My fate was sealed the moment I accepted the Dark Essentia," Kirin finally said. His voice was monotone; emotionless.

  "I don't understand."

  "It must be made whole if you're to travel back to Earth. You need all four pieces. There's no final invocation, nor is there someone channeling it on the other side."

  "I can't do it without you," I sobbed into his chest. "Please don't leave me like everyone else."

  Kirin grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. "You can do it. You will win," he said sharply.

  "If you always knew how it would end, why would you do this to me?" I asked, distraught by my thoughts.

  He cocked his head to the side in a questioning stare. "Do what?" he replied, reaching out to touch my cheek.

  I smacked his hand away with venom in my veins. "You stupid asshole! Why would you make me fall for you if you knew you were going to die?"

  To my utter irritation, he smiled. "Is that your way of saying you love me, Valentine?"

&n
bsp; "No! I hate you. You're going to leave and then... I’ll have nothing left."

  "You are never alone; you never were."

  That time, I shook him by the shoulders. "Why don't you understand? You can't leave me! I can't fight Azmordius or the others alone! What happens when they capture me? Who will save me?" I pleaded to know.

  Kirin kissed me through my tears and shaking. "Believe in the light and your divine visions," he whispered in return as he wiped away my tears.

  My divine visions only led me to one conclusion: that Vince was my father. How was that supposed to save me? How was that supposed to comfort me when I was all alone?

  "Didn't I say I was the only one you could trust?”

  We caught up to the army like Kirin had promised by following the river for miles. Luckily, my katoma was fast and it only took us half a day. It would've taken longer had they not stopped as well. Everyone was facing the open water that lay in front of us. It seemed as though it was finally time to cross into Kaza'mae.

  Except there was one main predicament we were faced with as soon as we looked at the crossing. The Valkyrie sat in the center of it all, apparently deserted. Mortos was pacing back and forth on the shoreline arguing with the council about what their next step needed to be. He was obviously distraught about the absence of his crew and wanted to investigate. The council, however, was hesitant to continue on our planned course with the first sign of danger.

  People were staring at us as we rode into their makeshift, temporary camp. Probably because I looked like I had a full mental breakdown. Any time Kirin and I were left alone, I returned in some kind of emotional or wrecked physical state. I blamed him mostly for that; he's the one that brought me there in the first place.