Christmas Beyond Christmas

by J P Sayle

  A sob got stuck in my chest as I attempted not to fall apart. My vision blurred and I lowered my forehead, resting it against Willow’s tiny brow. “Yes, we all love you more than anything,” I choked out. With nothing else to say that would make it better, I lifted my head to kiss her forehead instead.

  After she’d rested her head on my chest and cried for what she’d never known, we sat there silently for a long time. My eyes drifted closed as I attempted to shut out the pain coursing through me. Compared to anything I’d felt in the past, the pain was immeasurable. How the fuck was I supposed to make this better? How did I take away her pain?

  You can’t.

  My own sobs joined Willow’s as I buried my face in her hair, praying that we’d get through this in one piece.

  Will

  The lights of my truck highlighted a figure on the porch next door as I pulled into the drive. The evening light made it difficult to see who it was, but the small stature suggested Tiny. I switched off the engine, Tiny remaining unmoving. Even though I couldn’t read his expression, there was something about his posture which suggested defeat and twisted my gut into knots.

  In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him defeated. Even at school, when he’d been pushed around, he’d always been more resigned than anything else. This was different though, and I wasn’t sure how to approach him as I exited my truck. Was this to do with what we’d discussed the night before? I sensed it might be as I walked across the grass before cutting through the hedge, all thoughts of a hot bath and something to eat disappearing beneath the need to find out what was wrong.

  Tiny’s gaze was focused on a spot in front of him and he didn’t acknowledge my presence as I stopped at the base of the steps leading up to the porch. I hesitated. Did he not want me here?

  “Hey,” he finally muttered quietly.

  How could a simple greeting hold such a wealth of pain? I didn’t know the answer, but I couldn’t fight the need coursing through me to go to him. By the time I’d got to the top of the steps, his head had turned in my direction. My chest tightened as I floundered under the grief swimming in his watery gaze.

  My early suspicions were confirmed by that look. “Damn it to all hell! You told her, didn’t you?” I didn’t wait for him to confirm it. Instead, I scooped him up off the seat and held him to my chest as I sat down with him cradled in my lap.

  He shook and clung to me as violent sobs tore from him.

  “Why didn’t you wait for me?” I choked out past the ball forming in my throat. “I wanted to be here for both of you.”

  Tiny tucked his head into my chest without responding, his body continuing to tremble, my T-shirt becoming increasingly damp.

  Long minutes passed as I waited out the storm of emotions riding Tiny hard. My emotions weren’t faring much better and I had to swallow continually in an effort to keep them in check. I gently massaged his back until his sobs had subsided to little hiccups.

  Several more minutes passed before Tiny lifted his head. Red rimmed and puffy eyes implored me to do… to do what? Acting on instinct, I lowered my head making my intention clear.

  He didn’t pull away, his tongue coming out to moisten his lips, making them glisten. I carefully touched my lips to his, the softness and the sweet taste causing a groan to rumble through me. His soft sigh was like a balm to my ragged emotions. Deepening the kiss, I worked to keep it gentle, not wanting to spook him. But the tentative sweep of his tongue over my lips was too much to resist. I opened up, sucking his tongue into my mouth.

  His flavor flooded my senses, my hands flexing with the effort of going at a slow pace when my overheated body wanted the exact opposite. The small bottom shifting over my groin added to my torment, making my dick swell painfully.

  I eased back, my chest heaving as I worked to keep myself under control, the sight of his puffy, slick lips and pleading eyes undermining it. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the temptation of Tiny.

  He’s vulnerable, now is not the time to start something.

  Even with that thought running through my head, my dick throbbed, playing havoc with my usual ironclad control.

  How’s that working for you right now?

  I cursed under my breath as Tiny ground down, my eyes flying open. “You’re playing with fire. Jeez Tiny, give me a minute,” I ground out through a clenched jaw. Arousal was setting my whole body on fire, the sensations derailing my thoughts.

  For the first time since I’d arrived home, Tiny’s eyes sparked with a mischievous glint. A glint that caused my dick to pulse and my mouth to dry up. “No… no… don’t look at me like that.” My voice shook with nerves which was mortifying.

  He fluttered his eyelashes at me and then gave an innocent smile. “Whatever do you mean?” The illusion of innocence was lost when he sniggered.

  My heart swelled in my chest, feelings I suspected had started to develop long before my return home, surging up to leave me breathless and anxious. What the fuck was I doing? Losing your mind, that’s what.

  I must have been, because the part of me that said that this was too fast was buried beneath the part that told me we’d been leading up to this moment ever since Tiny had walked towards me on the day I’d arrived home.

  “What exactly is this?” The question popped out before I could stop it.

  Tiny’s brow furrowed, his red rimmed eyes turning intense. “Making… a relationship…” He trailed off, his body still as if he was waiting for me to contradict him.

  There was no way I was going to do that though because I wasn’t stupid. What Tiny was offering me—a family of my own—was something I’d always secretly dreamed of having. My mouth hovered over his as I took a leap of faith. “Yes, that. But I want more than that. I want to be a part of Willow’s life too.”

  Tiny’s eyes widened and any thought of kissing him again disappeared beneath a wave of uncertainty. Did he not want me to be a part of his daughter’s life?

  “I… well… why… shit!” His hands came up, his fingers raking through his hair before he shifted off my lap.

  I let him go, his agitation growing as he paced in front of me. I twisted my fingers together to stop myself from reaching for him. I exhaled gustily as he swung around, his expression fierce. “I spoke to Willow today about her Mom. I broke her fucking heart!” he wailed.

  Distress poured off him, but given the ‘back off vibes that accompanied it, I made no attempt to go to him. So I just sat there, my heart aching as he glowered, his whole body shaking. “I can’t do that to her again. I can’t. Fuck, I want you. I’ve always wanted you but what if it doesn’t work? What if you decide that we aren’t what you want?” he demanded.

  I struggled to keep up with what he was saying, but it was difficult when all I’d really heard was “I’ve always wanted you.”

  How was I supposed to respond to that?

  Honestly.

  Sucking in a breath, I stood, taking the three steps that separated us. I took hold of his clammy hands, holding his gaze as I peered down at him. He seemed so small, so fragile, yet there was a core of steel underlying the softness inside him.

  The two parts of him pulled at my heart leaving me vulnerable and answering truthfully. “I might not have always wanted you in the same way, but my feelings for you have developed into something that makes my heart sing. You and Willow have given me back something that the marines took from me—the simple joy of life. That might sound corny, but fuck, it’s how I feel.” I held up my hand as Tiny’s mouth opened to interrupt. “Please let me get this out.”

  I took another deep breath, hoping it would help to calm my rapid pulse, releasing it slowly. “When Willow spoke about her mother, my only thought was how I could be that person for her. I found myself wanting that more than I’ve wanted anything in my life—”

  “So you only want my daughter?” Tiny whispered, looking crestfallen.

  I shook my head. “Listen to me. I want you both. I want you to understand that
I see you as a unit, a pair that fits me. You might think it’s too soon for that and as much as it pains me to say it, I’ll wait till you’re ready. But understand that I’ll be doing everything in my power to get you there as quickly as possible.”

  His crestfallen expression disappeared and although there was uncertainty on his face, there was also hope. That was what I focused on as I tugged him to me, bending to kiss his parted lips. The kiss was as soft as fluttering butterfly wings as I attempted to show him how much I treasured him.

  His fingers clung to mine as I eased back to lay my forehead against his. “What happened with Willow today?”

  His breathy sigh sounded disappointed, which didn’t hurt my ego one little bit.

  “Let’s sit,” he muttered before letting go of my hands and stepping back. I followed him over to the seat that was still warm. His lips twitched as I patted my lap, but he didn’t disappoint, crawling onto it to snuggle into my chest as he started to talk about Willow.

  Greg

  I kept my eye on Willow from the window while she played with her toys in the garden. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, failing miserably to come up with any inspiration to write. Sighing, I closed the document I’d been staring at for the past hour.

  The anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach continued to make its presence felt. I sat back and pursed my lips. How was I supposed to broach the subject of Will to my brothers, or to Willow? The thought of doing the first knotted my stomach, but the second made me want to heave.

  My brothers would probably give Will a hard time because that’s what brothers do, but they’d still accept him. But Willow… After last night’s gut-wrenching conversation, could I hit her with this too?

  Would she accept Will?

  Neil had never hidden his sexual orientation from her so I was sure that she’d accept a gay relationship. She hadn’t batted an eye at the couple of boyfriends Neil had deemed worthy enough to meet the family or questioned him being with a man.

  That said though, after last night, how was I supposed to explain that I was gay? That was trickier than trying to do a jigsaw puzzle without the picture. “Fuck!” I muttered in disgust. I stood, the chair I’d been seated on scraping across the wooden floor. I paced in front of the window, trying to come up with a way of broaching the subject of Will and me. Despite my dread, there was also a giddy excitement which lay below the surface, making my heart flutter. I kept moving, needing to expel some of the energy coursing through me.

  I’d laid awake all night going over everything Will had said to me. There was still an element of ‘did it really happen or had I dreamt it?’ as I’d mulled over my feelings. Doubt over Will only wanting a relationship with me because of Willow still kept wanting to creep in.

  Stop that. He said he wants you both.

  “But does he really?”

  “Daddy who’s ya talkin’ to?” Willow’s blonde hair gleamed in the sunlight pouring in through the window behind me as I swung around to face her. She scrunched her face up as she glanced around the room before staring at me.

  “I was talking to myself.” I shrugged and offered her a smile as she giggled and shook her head.

  “Ya’s silly. Ya’s can talk to me Daddy, I’s a good listener.”

  At her serious tone, I crouched in front of her. “I know, munchkin. But sometimes grown-ups need other adults to talk stuff through with.” I tapped her nose as it wrinkled.

  A determined look sparked in her eyes. “Daddy, I’s grow’d up. Ya measured me, I’s grow’d two inches.” Her chest swelled as she said it. She stepped closer to me. “I’s ya partner in crime, Gramma says, so dat means you can tell’s me grow’d up stuff.”

  “Is that right?” I asked with a chuckle.

  “Ya told me grow’d up stuff last night. I’s brave Daddy. Ya can trust me.”

  God, how was I supposed to resist her? Love swelled inside my chest, squeezing my heart until there was nothing but emotions kicking my ass. I silently cursed as her chubby hands lifted to touch my cheeks. “It’s okay, Daddy.”

  The level of maturity in her eyes which was way beyond her years, along with those three words, was my undoing. I lowered myself to the hard, wooden floor bringing her onto my lap. “We talked about your Mommy last night but we didn’t talk about me.” I licked my dry lips. “I just want to say first that I liked your mommy a lot. But she was never what I wanted for a partner. I’m gay, Willow. That means that I prefer to have a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. Do you understand what that means?” I asked hesitantly, my stomach twisting into painful knots.

  Her brows rose and her eyes widened, something flickering across her face so fast that I couldn’t figure out what it was. My heart dropped to the floor but then she smiled.

  “Oh Daddy, does that mean ya’s can marry Will?” She bounced up and down on my lap. “He’s da best and he can’s be my Daddy too.” Her excitement was palpable as she continued to beam at me.

  My mouth hung open. Was it that simple? The urge to laugh got the better of me and I held on to Willow tightly as I rocked with laughter.

  “What’s I’s said dat was funny?” Her nose wrinkled again, her eyes narrowing on me which only made me laugh harder.

  “Sorry munchkin,” I choked out past the laughter as she harrumphed at me making matters worse.

  “I’s think ya’s fibbin, Daddy.” Her tiny finger drilled into my chest and I swallowed the laughter that had continued to bubble up at the realization that I’d been worrying over nothing.

  “I’m just happy that you like Will,” I offered, doing my best to keep the laughter at bay.

  “I’s love Will. Do ya love Will too?”

  Heat invaded my face as her far too knowing eyes held my gaze. “I… well… I—”

  Her eyes rolled heavenward “Dat’s a yes den.”

  “You know you’re being a Miss know-it-all right now?” I muttered.

  She shrugged and wriggled off my lap, standing next to me and putting her hands on her waist, her posture and expression looking way too much like my Mom. “Grow’d ups are so silly.” With that, she spun around and ran out of the room.

  “Where are you going?” I shouted after her.

  “I’s need to get my box of goodies to make Will a card. I need’s to tell him I love’s him,” she shouted back, making it sound like I was a moron for asking such a silly question.

  I got up off the floor and followed her, an idea having formed by the time I’d reached her open bedroom door to peer inside. I chuckled as her little bottom waved in the air, her head buried somewhere under her bed. I raised my voice to make sure she could hear me. “Why don’t we make some gifts to go with our surprise Christmas party that we’re planning for Will?”

  There was an excited squeal as her head reappeared. She was clutching the box that she kept all sorts of things in to her chest. “Dat’s the best idea. I’s can make something pretty for his bedroom wall.” She sucked her lower lip between her teeth as she thought about it.

  “We can plan everything with Uncle Neil while Will’s at work. Maybe we can plan it for next Sunday? What do you think, munchkin?”

  “Will’s we have enough time?”

  “I’ll ring Uncle Neil and see if he’s found a snow machine and a small Christmas tree yet. Then we can go shopping for ingredients to bake a pumpkin pie and maybe some other things Will likes to eat,” I answered absently, trying to recall what it was that he liked to eat.

  “Oh Daddy, he’s gonna be’s so surprised.” She dropped the box she was holding and clapped her hands together. “Dis is so much fun.” Her eyes sparkled with joy removing the last traces of sadness I’d held onto from the talk about her mother.

  Damn, she was astonishing.

  As I got down on the floor to look in her box, I prayed that whatever happened with Will, it wouldn’t turn into a huge mistake. Because I wasn’t sure I’d recover if I had to break her heart again.

  Will

  My thighs and ass ached fr
om being in the saddle all day. The clothes clinging to my overheated body were grimy and sweaty, and all I could think about was taking a long, hot shower. My legs protested as I climbed the stairs up to the bathroom and I groaned.

  The sound of Neil calling my name forced me to stop and look back over my shoulder with resignation. I’d known from the very first minute that I’d started something with Tiny, that this was going to happen. I’d hoped it would be in the future, way in the future, but the pinched expression on Neil’s face said my time had already run out. “Whatever you want, can it wait? I stink and I need a shower.”

  “Yeah, I suppose talkin’ about you datin’ my brother can wait a little longer.” His sarcastic tone and his narrowed eyes said differently.

  Fuck! Fuck! “Gimme five,” I muttered, determined not to hunch over as I walked to the bathroom. Why hadn’t I mentioned my budding relationship with Tiny to him? You know why. Neil made it clear he wanted you to stay away.

  But that was the last thing I wanted to do when the last five days had been some of the best of my life. Being with Tiny and Willow had given me a new purpose in life. Willow had made it her mission to ensure that she captured my heart. Her daddy though, watched us with careful eyes. I got it; it was his precious baby he was entrusting to me. I hoped that as the days passed, he’d see that I’d rather cut off my own arm than do anything to hurt his little girl.

  When we were alone, it was a completely different matter though. His mission was to blow my mind with sweet kisses. With my head full of Tiny and most of my time otherwise occupied, I’d hardly seen Neil. Although with his busy work schedule and his current beau, it wasn’t that unusual.

  When I had seen him, I’d perhaps run away a bit more quickly though, unsure how to broach the subject of Tiny. It looked like I was going to have to face it now and I wasn’t sure I was at all ready to explain my budding feelings to Neil.