A Whole New Me

by J C Carter

  "Earth to Tessa. Tessa, hey," Alex practically shouts into my face, breaking me out of my head.

  "Sorry what? I was a little lost in thought there."

  Lena gives me a look, raising an eyebrow, "You've been like this for days hon, what's going on?"

  I haven't told any of them about what happened with Jackson. But, now I think I have to because my head's been all over the place. Now though, I think I know what I want to do. Say screw it, screw relationships, and just be with whoever the hell I want. Though I'm reluctant, because I know they won't like it.

  "I saw Jackson last week, and he said some things."

  Bronte jumps up from her spot on the floor and snaps, "What did that asshole say to you?"

  I hope my hands up to try and get her to calm down, because while I am mad at Jackson, he wasn't wrong.

  "He told me that us breaking up was partially my fault, and he's right. I always kept him at arm's length. How could I expect someone to stay with me through that? Which is why I'm glad that Ricky and I aren't together anymore. I'm sure I would've done the same to him. He would've left me and then I'd still have ended up here."

  Of course all three girls have things to say about this. They know what happened with Ricky, what he said to me. After Bronte found me crying and I had calmed down, she called Lena and Alex to come over. They brought movies, candy, and ice cream and we had a sleepover.

  They all voiced their opinions about my situation, basically telling me not to be afraid to love. That Ricky would never intentionally hurt me. But they couldn't really understand my trust issues, not that I blame them. I don't fully understand them.

  Lena says, "Even if that's true Tessa you can't let that scare you."

  Bronte's practically screaming about how much of a jerk Jackson is, but it's Alex who says what I need to hear.

  "Don't let him have power over you Tessa. Even if he's partially right, take what he said and use it to be better. Don't let it drag you down," she says as she gives me a smile with a gleam in her eye.

  Alex is definitely the most spunky of all of us. The most outgoing, the most promiscuous. She's never afraid to go after whatever or whoever she wants. And I almost think she knows what I want to do.

  "Guys, I appreciate the solidarity, really I do, but chill out OK. I know Jackson is an ass, but what he said really got me thinking. And I want to make a change. A change I already thought I made when I met Ricky, but then I ended up falling for him and here we are."

  I explain about the agreement Ricky and I had. How we decided to have a strictly sexual relationship even though he was definitely interested in more. I tell them how I started to have feelings for him and pretended like I didn't. And when I couldn't deny them anymore, I still did everything I could to keep some distance between us.

  How after his accident, I gave in because I realized how much he meant to me. But I never expected him to fall in love with me. And when he told me he loved me, it was like a nightmare. Because that meant we could really hurt each other when everything ended.

  "But you don't know that it would have ended," Bronte says, interrupting my long explanation.

  "I couldn't take that chance. Because if I did lose him, I'm not sure I could take that. And I didn't want to risk it. As crazy as that might sound, I really think it's what's best for the both of us."

  "You're scared," she says with a sad smile on her face. "You're scared of losing someone else that you love." I can't meet her eyes as she says this.

  I don't acknowledge the statement, because there's no need. I know it's true. I recognize now what I hadn't before. Though I lost my dad at a young age, so young that I don't really remember him, not having him around affected me more than I realized. I feel his loss even if I can't remember it. And I don't want to ever experience that kind of loss again.

  So, I go on with my explanation. I want them to understand why I'm doing this. I don't really care if they like it, or if they approve. But I do hope they can at least try and understand. Having friends like this is still so new to me, but this is what best friends do right? Even though I'm positive that Bronte will think this is a mistake, I really hope that she'll try and be supportive.

  "That's why I've decided that from now on I'm refusing to let feelings get in the way. I'm going to do what I tried to do with Ricky. Just sex, no strings, with whatever guy I want, whenever I want."

  I'm sure that this is the right move for me, at least for awhile. Maybe then, Ricky will get the message that he and I are over. And it'll also be a nice middle finger to Jackson. Because I don't need to let anyone in. I don't need anyone but me.

  Chapter 17

  It seems like I'm always at some kind of party now. When did that happen? When did I actually become somewhat comfortable in this kind of situation?

  I guess that's kind of an easy answer though, Ricky. He made these things fun for me just by being there. Now though, I just feel angry and bitter, because this party isn't like the others. I'm alone, watching my friends have a good time.

  I could join in on the fun, but so far every guy I've approached has turned me down. Either they think Ricky and I are still together, or they know we were. And they don't want to hook up with a friend's ex. Because even though this party isn't at the football frat house, it's filled with so many football players. I guess a party isn't really a party unless they're involved.

  I'm so irritated and maybe a little bit tipsy after finishing my second rum and coke. All I wanted to do was come to this party to pick up a guy and thanks to Ricky, I can't even do that. I mean I don't think he told anyone not to pursue me, he wouldn't do that. I think it's just a weird respect thing, and that makes it even more annoying.

  When I told Bronte that I wanted to come to this party tonight, she insisted on coming with me so I didn't do anything stupid. Her words, not mine. Well, she actually first tried to convince me not to come. She firmly believes I'm only acting out of anger towards Jackson. I refuse to acknowledge any such belief.

  Right now, she and Jesse are spending some time together. I'm honestly never sure what's going on between those two. One week they're basically attached and the hip and the next they're barely speaking. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she never seems to want to. I know she likes him though. But I also know he's not great and sticking to one girl, so maybe that's the problem. Obviously I'm not one to judge, especially for something like that.

  I lean back against the wall, clutching my drink tightly. Right now it kind of feels like my security blanket. There are so many people here and I'm starting to feel pretty awkward standing here all by myself. I was walking around earlier, but when I realized I wasn't having any luck I came over to this spot to people-watch.

  The party is being held in another of those old houses on campus. Not as big as the frat houses, but still one of those big ones that has enough room for at least half a dozen people. The first floor is laid out in a way that from where I'm standing I can see almost the entire living room and I have a clear view of the front door. That's how I'm able to see Ricky walk in with a group of guys, and Ethan's not far behind him.

  Ricky spots me almost instantly and I prepare myself for a fight as he stalks towards me.

  "Why didn't you tell me you were going to be here tonight," he practically demands and I know he's angry.

  I scoff and roll my eyes, "And why would I do that? I don't owe you any kind of explanation."

  "I would have gotten here sooner so that maybe we could talk since you wouldn't be able to avoid me. And like hell I don't deserve an explanation. You basically ghosted me and I deserve to at least know why."

  "You know why," I practically scream into his face. "You know I didn't want you falling in love with me."

  "Bullshit, you love me. You know you do. Yo-"

  I cut him off before he can continue, all of my anger, frustration, and sadness about the situation finally boiling over. "NO. No Ricky, you do not get to tell me how I feel. I am so sick of people telli
ng me how I feel, how I should act, what I should do. So screw it, screw you, screw Jackson, I'm done."

  And with that, I storm off up the stairs, avoiding looking at all the people I know were watching our little arguments. We weren't exactly being quiet about it and I want to get away from their judgemental looks. I go up the stairs and down the hall picking a door at random and I'm about to step in and lock it when I notice someone has followed me up here.

  Ethan stands a few feet behind me, watching me with a wary look in his eyes like he thinks I might attack him at any moment.

  "What are you doing up here?"

  "Just wanted to make sure you were alright. That was some fight you two had back there."

  "I don't really want to talk about it alright? And thanks for coming to check on me, but I'm fine, really."

  He gives me a look like he doesn't believe me and says, "Just humor me OK? I'll just sit here with you for a little bit. We don't even have to talk if you don't want to."

  That makes me laugh and I give him a rueful small as I say, "Well I can't really sit here with you and not talk. I feel like that would be kind of awkward. Plus, I really like to talk."

  "I know you do," he says with a smile. And then he proceeds to listen to me talk for at least thirty minutes. I talk to him about school, my family, my obsession with books and Harry Potter. Basically anything to avoid talking about Ricky or thinking about our current situation. He chimes in every now and then, but mostly just listens.

  And while I'm talking his ear off, I'm also thinking. I'm thinking that Ethan could be the guy I take home tonight. I know he likes me and I'm sure he'd agree if I asked him. So that's exactly what I do.

  "Hey Ethan," I say before I can change my mind. He looks up at me with an open expression, like he's already fascinated by whatever I'm about to say.

  "Would you maybe want to get out of here?"

  He looks confused for a second. I practically see the wheels turning in his head trying to figure out what I mean by that. I arch a brow at him and in that second he gets it. I'm asking him to come home with me. At first I think he might say no as he just stares at me. But then he seems to think better of questioning my decision, even knowing what he does, and nods his head yes.

  We make our way out of the room, down the hall, and back down the stairs. The party is much the same, almost as if nothing at all actually happened. And in some ways I think that's true, because as soon as the drama ended no one really cared anymore.

  I look around the room for Bronte as we step into the living room. I didn't see her during the arguments so I'm guessing she doesn't know about it. If she did, my phone would be blowing up right now. I want to find her before I leave though so she knows not to worry about me.

  I pull Ethan along with me as I search for her, but after about ten minutes of looking it's clear I'm not going to find her. I'm not worried though, because we agreed to let each other know if we were leaving and she hasn't texted, so I'm guessing she's off somewhere with Aaron. The thought makes me smile.

  I turn towards Ethan to let him know that we're good to go and I bump right into Ricky.

  "What's going on here Tessa," he asks as he glares down at our joined hands. I feel Ethan tense next to me, but he doesn't say anything. It's my responsibility to deal with this.

  "Nothing's going on here. Ethan and I were just leaving." I go to step past him but he blocks my path.

  He steps as close to me as he can manage and whispers so that only I can hear, "Please don't do this Tessa. Please don't leave with him. Just stay here and we can talk."

  He's almost begging me now and I want so badly to give in. But I'm stubborn and my pride won't let me let this go. It's already gone too far and I have to see it through.

  Ethan has stepped away to give us some space, though he hasn't gone far. He's keeping a watchful eye on me as I explain to Ricky again that he and I are over, each word feels like a stab to the heart. This is like one of those awful dreams where you're watching something terrible happen, but you're powerless to stop it.

  I can see myself acting ridiculous, I can hear myself sounding ridiculous, but I can't stop. Apparently I'm willing to prove this point even if it tears me apart. Did I mention I know I'm being stupid?

  Ricky finally relents and let's me pass by him. I glance around us and note all the people watching us, again. I catch Jesse glaring at me from across the room and quickly avert my gaze. I can only imagine what he must think of me right now.

  But I try to appear confident, holding my head high, and only chancing one quick glance back at Ricky. I instantly regret it, because the look in his eyes is nothing short of devastating.

  I look forward again, focusing on Ethan who is now standing near the front door. He gives me a small smile and holds out his hand to me.

  Chapter 18

  I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know I'm just trying to prove a point to Ricky, because he said those words to me and now I'm running.

  But even though all I can picture is the heartbreaking look on his face, I take Ethan's hand again and let him lead me out the door. We've run into each other several times at parties and games and he always makes a point to talk to me in class.

  Each time he's managed to make his interest in me clear, but I always turned him down. Ricky and I had agreed from the beginning to keep whatever this was between us exclusive. And if I'm being honest with myself, I liked that.

  We reach Ethan's car and he opens my door for me before going to get in on his side. He's a nice guy, which makes what I'm doing here that much worse. He has no idea what he's just stepped into. The car starts up and we pull out onto the road as he turns to me and asks if I want to head to his place.

  "Sure," I answer with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. And though he does give me a slightly confused look, he doesn't dwell and turns to concentrate on the road.

  It takes the length of the drive to Ethan's place, an off campus apartment to realise that I've made a terrible mistake.

  I'm not sure if Ethan can sense my unease, because he turns to me and says, "You don't really want to do this? Do you?"

  I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears at bay.

  "I'm so sorry Ethan, really I am. You do not deserve any of this. I was just confused and angry and I was just trying to make a point. I know that's terrible and I'm sorry that I tried to use you to do it."

  "You love Ricky, don't you?"

  I shake my head, not feeling brave enough to look him in the eye. But I know he sees it, because I hear him breathe out a deep sigh.

  "I think I knew that. From the day I saw you at the game together. I could see there was really something between you guys. And then after I asked you out on a date and you never got back to me. Guess I was just hoping I could change your mind," he said, laughing a little.

  I've always known that he liked me. And I knew that if I let him believe I was interested he wouldn't question it. He tried to get in touch with me about a date and I ignored him. That was easier to me than having to tell him I didn’t feel the same way. It’s a crappy excuse, I know, but I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I've become just like Jackson in a way though, and that disgusts me.

  I know I'm not a bad person, but I have done a bad thing. I've hurt someone who's been a friend to me. And I know that I'll feel awful about that for a really long time.

  I finally look over at Ethan and he's just watching me. I consider apologizing, but I know it won't make much difference now. He'll forgive me when or if he's ready and if he doesn't, well I'd completely understand.

  "Do you hate me?," I whisper, honestly afraid of the answer. I'm not sure I could take it if he said yes.

  He grabs my hand to hold in both of his as he says, "I could never hate you Tessa. I'm a little hurt that you even thought to use me that way. But no, I don't hate you. I'm angry, sad, a little embarrassed though. Look how about I just take you back to the party alright?"

  The drive back is just plain mise
rable. There's this thing between us now, this ugly thing that I did, and I'm not sure it's something we'll ever really get past. But like I said, I would deserve nothing less. I don't say anything to Ethan as I go to exit his car once we make it back. He says nothing to me, just gives me a sad smile and a wave before driving away.

  And then I'm running towards the house hoping that Ricky is still here. I make it through the front door and I'm almost to the kitchen which is where I last saw him before my path is blocked by two familiar faces.

  Jesse and Aaron are both staring at me in a way that almost makes me want to recoil. It's not hate in their eyes exactly, but something pretty damn close. I'm a little surprised to see Aaron since I assumed he was still off with Bronte. I check my phone quickly just to be sure she's good. There's a text letting me know she's headed back to the dorms. Then I turn back to face the guys.

  "What are you doing back here Tessa," Aaron asks in an eerily calm voice.

  "I was looking for Ricky to apologize, I-"

  "He's not here. He said he needed some time alone after what you did," Jesse says in a softer tone, though he looks like he wants to yell at me.

  "Do you know where he went? Look, I know I did a shitty thing, but I'd really like to apologize."

  "Apologize," Jesse scoffs. "It's going to take more than that to make this up to him, assuming that's what you want to do. Though at this point I'm not sure it'll do any good. You really hurt him this time."

  Jesse steps closer to Aaron, pushing him back a few steps. I think he's trying to keep the peace here. Not that I blame them for being pissed.

  "Look Tessa, we're his best friends and we always have his back so we need to tell you this. If you're not serious about him, if you don't love him, please just leave him alone. He doesn't deserve to be hurt like this. And I'm not sure he could take being pushed away again. He's at the house if you want to go see him. But please consider what I said if you do."