The Kisser

by Liv Kingstown

  The third picture is of my mother’s finger digging into my belly button. My head is thrown back with a smile as wide as the sky. Clearly, I’m tickled.

  My breath blows with a quivering lip as I try to keep myself—now a grown man—from overflowing with tears.

  Chris cocks his head and nearly chokes as he speaks. “I kno... know I should’ve brought these to you when your marketing manager first contacted me but—”

  “Who did you say?” My eyes dart automatically to interrogate Chris. “Who contacted you?”

  “Uh... Robert is her name,” he chuckles to himself. “Very unusual, I thought initially, but I grew to enjoy seeing her name pop up now and then. She phoned me a year ago asking if I had any old pictures of you. She sent repeated requests via email since I never returned her calls. She even tracked me down on social media, but I never responded. Truthfully, Taylor, I was reluctant to face you until four days ago when I heard the news of your condition. See, I’ve been in Africa—”

  “Africa?”

  “Yes. After the last session with you and your mother, I switched to photographing wildlife.”

  “Oh,” I respond. That explains his tan.

  “Taylor, I must say I was a big fan of your mother. Of course, I follow your profiles online to check up on you. When I’d heard through your Instagram you were ill—perhaps even starving yourself, I was afraid you might be setting yourself up to meet the same fate as your mother. I knew I had to come and give you these pictures.” He stands up, tucking his hands in his jeans’ pockets. “You know, we all strive to be better, but you don’t have to kill yourself to be the best.”

  “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

  Chris’s eyes narrow. “Then how did you end up in here?”

  Sinking further back into the hospital bed, I search my soul but find there is nothing there. Looking at the photos of my mother and me, however, I do find some truth. “I’m in love with someone who is in love with someone else.”

  “Ah,” Chris sighs. “That must be very difficult for a man like you to accept.”

  “A man like me?” Is that an insult? “What do you mean?”

  “I just meant it must be difficult for a trooper such as yourself. Despite your father’s past, the loss of your mother, and being raised by a woman who I suspect has been using you to feed her lavish lifestyle, you’ve done nothing but persevere and bring honor to your family’s name. You’re a fighter.”

  “I’m a wha-?”

  “A fighter. And like I said, your mother would be very proud.” Chris sighs. “Taylor, as much as I’d like to continue this conversation, I have to go. I’ve been here since yesterday and I have somewhere I need to be. The matriarch in a family of elephants is going to give birth soon. I don’t want to miss it. Her fans on Instagram don’t want to miss it either.”

  “No... yeah... I understand. Elephants? Wow. I love elephants. A baby elephant, no less. That’s wonderful.”

  “It really is something wonderful, isn’t it?” he agrees and holds out his hand. “Take care of yourself.”

  “You, too,” I say as we shake.

  “Oh, and by the way, Taylor?” His brow raises. “Would you also mind letting your manager know that I’ve delivered the photos to you. In truth, I never got the feeling she intended on exploiting them. In fact, if I can remember correctly, I think she was hoping to give them to you herself—a peace offering to get you to meet with her.”

  “Ye-yeah, of course,” I fumble to say and watch Chris walk out.

  My gaze drops to see a picture of me. It’s just me. Alone. At three years old. With a little round belly, I’m pointing my toe. But I also have a raised fist in the air.

  Deep in the pit of my body, I feel a stir. It’s very strange—this feeling. The emptiness I’ve been feeling my whole life is subsiding as I’m finally becoming full.

  “I’m not a dancer,” I say to myself. “I’m a fighter.”

  Scrolling my palm down my hot face, flush from the heat of my emerging soul, I peek between my fingers at the little boy in the picture. He’s so determined. So eager. It’s as if nothing could stand in his way. Behind his skinny shoulder, however, sits a vase on a window sill filled with lively roses.

  Tossing the hospital sheets to the side, I see the needle threaded through my arm.

  I yank it out.

  “Fuuuugh…” I exhale, grinding my teeth with a growl at my stinging, throbbing skin.

  Goddamn! That tape hurts worse than the needle coming out.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  That stupid machine sounds an alert as blood and fluids leak to the floor. I push the Off button before it summons Nia. I can’t face that nurse right now. I need to sneak out and leave!

  Ree, Rerun, Rosie, Robert, Roberta… how that woman came to have so many names is a damn mystery to me, but I don’t care.

  Seriously, I don’t give a shit what the hell her name is, where she’s from, what she thinks about herself, or who the hell she’s with right now because she’s mine.

  I kiss a picture of my mother smiling, staring straight into the camera with one wide eye as her other eye winks.

  “Don’t worry,” I tell my mother, as I tuck the pictures back in the envelope. “I’m a fighter. Ree brought you back. I’ll fight to get her back, too. Whatever it takes, nothing’s going to stand between me and the woman who took my heart but delivered my soul.”

  19

  Taylor

  “No-no-no-no-no-no. No, you don’t, Mr. Rose,” says Nurse Nia, chasing.

  I continue to march swiftly through the hall.

  She catches up at my side. “Mr. Rose, you cannot leave. Please! Go back to your bed.

  “Sorry, Nia, but I can’t stay.”

  Her arms hike up bending at the elbow to swing at her sides looking like she’s trying to run a marathon, trying to keep up. “But Mr. Rose, you’re not ready for discharge. You’re ill! Leaving the hospital prematurely could cause you to regress and...” She grabs my arm. “I could get in trouble.”

  I halt. The old me, the one without a soul, wouldn’t have cared about his effect on other people. But the new me...

  I look Nia in the eye. “I need to get outta here, Nia. Now. The woman I’m in love with—”

  Nia interrupts, “Love? So, that’s why you’ve been starving yourself?”

  Jesus, I’m struggling to respond. It’s possible I wasn’t hungry because I was consumed by what I’d lost. It’s possible I still might lose, especially since I have no idea how I’m supposed to fight this.

  Dancing, I guess, was always my weapon of choice. It’s easy for me to win hearts with a simple spin and a fake smile. But I might have to go up against Ben and I consider if that’s really what I want to do.

  I can’t truly remember Ree mentioning she had hooked up with Ben, but I do recall some of the words Ree last spoke to me: There’s no rhyme or reason, we just have to accept things as they are.

  It’s ironic how Rerun could preach such words when she can hardly accept herself. But I’m not going to accept her circumstances either. I refuse to accept that Ree loves someone else.

  “Yes. Love,” I say, grabbing Nia by the shoulders, careful not to crush the pictures in my palm. “Love is the reason I’m ill and this place can’t cure me of it.” I let Nurse Nia go and stomp onward.

  “Wait!” she shouts, with a twinkle in her eye. I’ve just won her heart, too. “You’re showing your ass to everyone, Mr. Rose. At least let me get you your clothes.”

  Another younger nurse scurries towards us with a plastic bag, a piece of paper, and a pen. “Here,” she hands the bag to me and I pull out the one very small piece of clothing.

  Pulling the shimmery black dance briefs up my legs, I notice everyone in the hall is on pause. I remove the hospital gown, then snap at the waistline of my briefs and bend my knees to adjust my crotch.

  Of course, everyone is staring, which is not surprising. I figure these medical professionals see crazy shi
t all the time but regardless, this is the only armor I got. Gotta make sure the jewels are protected.

  “What’s that for?” I ask the younger nurse with a point to the paper she’s holding.

  “You haven’t been released. You need to sign yourself out,” says Nia, grabbing the pen and paper from the ogling nurse to place the object in my hands. “So, I don’t get fired.”

  I sign.

  “Taylor,” says Nia. “Those briefs still seem to show off a lot. If you wait I can probably find you some—”

  “I can’t wait,” I say.

  “Are you sure you don’t have an extra minute?” asks the younger nurse with a poke out of her bottom lip.

  This new guy I am (the one who just got his soul back) knows she’s upset. “What do you need?”

  Her shoulders hike up to her ears as she pulls out her phone. “I was hoping we could take a picture? I’m a big fan.”

  I laugh, taking her phone from her hand. “Yeah, c’mon,” I say, pulling both her and Nia at my sides and I aim the lens high to fit us all into a selfie. “Cheese!”

  The young nurse bounces and then claps when she takes her phone and sees the image. It’s a little ridiculous. She went straight from proper professional to lucid fan within a few clicks of button. “Oh my, gawd! Thank you, Taylor,” she screams and squeals.

  “No problem,” I say, turning around and heading towards the Exit sign.

  Ten city blocks. That’s how far I’ve been running through the city virtually naked, earning a few whistles and honks, to get back to the conservatory. Surprisingly, I don’t feel fatigued at all after running so many miles. In fact, I feel supercharged, which must’ve been from all the stuff Nia pumped in me.

  Skipping up the steps to the school, I realize I have no idea what day it is and I question exactly how long I’d been at the hospital.

  Pushing through the doors, the school appears to be empty. It’s late morning, so I’m sure there must be a few principal dancers around. If it were afternoon or evening or the weekend, this place would be swarming with children. I head towards Delores’s office but it’s locked.

  I rub my scruffy jaw (I haven’t shaved in days). It’s strange to see the school is open and Delores is not here.

  I head towards the powder room where I know I have plenty of extra clothes and an extra set of keys. As soon as I make myself presentable, I’ll grab my car and hightail it to Rerun’s. I can’t call her. Not that she’d answer anyway, but I have no idea where my phone or my suitcase or any of my crap is.

  Placing my hand on the handle of the door to the powder room, I recall this is the first place where I met Rerun. She was so adorable. Smart. Determined. She knew exactly who she was. She knew exactly what fueled her soul. This is why I love her so much. The thought that I’m going to see her again...

  God! I hate to wish so negatively for her, but I hope whoever she’s with (if she really is with anyone) broke up with her. Or better yet, I hope she broke up with him. It’s been months. Four and a half to be exact. A lot could happen in that time. It’s completely possible.

  I open the door.

  Pause.

  Whatha?

  I step back, shutting the door.

  My fingers twiddle with the handle as I recollect what I just saw.

  Two.

  Yes, there were two men.

  Fucking.

  Over the edge of my table.

  I’m confident one of ‘em was Dirk. Again, he’s been my best friend since I was eight and we’ve endured at least a billion plies, squats, leaps, and kicks together. I’d know his ass anywhere. But the other guy? The guy with a beard, who Dirk was drilling into from behind?...

  My soul ignites! I’m on fire!

  “Ben!” I bust through the door. “Ben, you son of a bitch!”

  “Whoa! Whoa,” shouts Dirk, grappling my shoulders and pushing me, holding me back.

  Ben manages to pull up his pants, but Dirk’s got his junk covered in Ben funk flying everywhere.

  So, I push him. “Dirk, get off of me.”

  Dirk presses a hand to his forehead. “Taylor, what are you doing here?”

  “What am I doing here?” I can’t believe this shit. “This is my school. I have a right to be here.”

  “Why aren’t you at the hospital?” asks Ben. As if he cares.

  “I left. And why the fuck are you not with Ree?”

  “Ree?” Ben’s face turns crooked but relaxes. “Ah, shit.” He looks at Dirk. “He supposed to think me and Ree...”

  I hit Dirk across the shoulder. “Think what? What am I supposed to think?”

  “Now, Taylor,” Dirk says, putting up his hands. He steps back as I step forward rolling my fingers into fists. “Buddy, I understand you’re upset.”

  Upset? That’s an understatement. I’m fuming. I’m fucking livid. My best friend was lying to me the entire time I was on tour.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Ben was your new boyfriend? This whole time I thought he was with Ree. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? Emotionally? Physically?”

  “I know, Taylor. Believe me,” he chortles. “I know.” Dirk plants his hand on my shoulder. “But you’re making yourself sick over this. Rerun doesn’t want to be with you. She made it very clear to both Ben and me.” Ben nods and, although I’m relieved he’s not fucking my woman, I still want to crack his face in.

  “Taylor, look at me.” My eyes meet Dirks. “You need to get over her,” he says.

  “Fuck that.” I flick Dirk’s hand off me. “I’m not over her. I’m never getting over her. Move out of my way. I need my keys and my clothes. I need to see her.” I drop the manila folder on the shelf.

  “No fucking way, buddy.” Ben crosses his arms across his chest, stepping up to me. “You’re not going near her.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Taylor,” Dirk cuts in lowly. “Rerun told us—well, she told Ben—everything about your father, the history of the school, and your true relationship to Penny.”

  “And after what you did to Diamond,” Ben shakes his head in disgust, “forcing her to have an abortion? We’re not letting you near Rerun.”

  Fire spews from my mouth as I explode! “What the fuck are you talking about? How could I have forced Diamond to have an abortion? She was never pregnant.”

  “Both girls say the same story,” replies Dirk. “Both girls say you preferred to go without a condom, that you ‘don’t care’ when they mention the possibility of getting them pregnant, but the second you learned Diamond was going to have a baby, she says you took her to a clinic.”

  “Like your sleazy father did for many of the girls who used to dance here,” adds Ben.

  I claw at my own hair, pulling, and I want to snap!

  But I take a breath instead. Because I’m not that guy anymore. I’m not the guy that doesn’t care. I’m the guy who’s found his soul, his true purpose, and I need to set this straight before I find I’m at war with the two people who should be my allies and not my enemies.

  Cocking my head back, I plant my hands on my hips and exhale.

  “Okay, I admit I was careless with Rerun. She does things to me. I feel things inside of me when I’m with her that I’m afraid I’m going to lose because she’s so Goddamn insecure sometimes. You know?” I look to Ben, hoping he finds some understanding, but his face is blank.

  “And about Diamond.” I laugh. “The reason she’s so desperate to get back with me is because I didn’t actually fuck her. I fucked her mouth and I fingered her clit, but that was it. It’s the reason I never retaliated against any of her backstabbing media posts. Because it was all true. After we fooled around, I didn’t want to have sex with her. She was right in everything she said about me being a bad lay. I failed to perform because I didn’t want to. Not with her. Everyone consistently talks about the future they see between Diamond and me, but when we were in bed together, I saw nothing. But with Ree...” I smile, feeling that little tingle mingle with a slow bu
rn, warming my chest. “With Ree, I can’t contain myself—not my feelings or my actions.”

  “So, you admit you have no problem being reckless with Rerun?” asks Ben. The tone in his voice indicates he doesn’t trust me and it’s possible I’m still going to have to go one-on-one with him.

  “Look, Ben,” I say, pushing Dirk out of the way to reach up to the top of the shelf, grabbing jeans and a tee. “I get it. You’re her friend. And now that I’ve had a moment to understand your relationship with her, I can finally understand that odd kiss the two of shared. But like I told you at the club, you don’t need to look out for her anymore.”

  “Oh, I don’t?” he questions.

  “Nope.” I pay him no mind as I put on my clothes.

  “So, you think she’s just going to run back to you after all the crazy ass shit you put her through?”

  “What shit?” I know I cussed at her during our last fight but I feel really bad about it. In fact, I cringe every time I hear myself dropping the F-bomb on her. That whole argument won’t cease to replay in my mind. I know she deserves better than that and I won’t do it again. Looking around, I see I have no shoes. I do observe Dirk’s Nikes and I go ahead and reach for them, also squatting to slip and tie them on.

  “You are so fucking full of yourself, you know that Taylor?” Ben steps up with a heavy growl. “The first time I saw you, I knew you were something. But I had no idea how huge of an asshole one person could be.”

  “What? It’s just his shoes,” I groan. Is he jealous that I took Dirk’s shoes? I always use Dirk’s stuff. We swap shit all the time. I figure Mr. Brawny is just jealous.

  “You piece of shit. You have no fucking clue what you did to her, do you?” Ben points his finger in my face and I swear if it had touched me, we be throwing blows but luckily Dirk has stepped between us.

  My soul stirs. I have no idea what else I did but by the look on Ben’s face, I fear I’ve done something very bad, although I have no clue what that is. “What? What did I do?”

  “You knocked her up, dumb fuck, and then you fired her.”