“Does it bother you… that Royal doesn’t hear voices, too?”
“No, I wouldn’t want that for him.”
“I think you’re the stronger one.”
I opened my eyes and found him staring down at me. Kai’s wet hair was slicked back, all the angles of his face, his sharp nose, solid chin, his jaw cut by the stormy gray shadows from the low overhead lighting.
“Strength is defined in many ways, our experiences are different.”
“Not by much, you were raised equally?”
“Yes.”
“Then your experiences are the same. But you have this constant internal thing… He got off easy.”
I smiled as his brows dipped into a serious V.
“You know that’s not true.”
I brought my feet to the pool floor and immediately wished I hadn’t. Kai dropped his hands into the water, and I shivered at the loss of his heat.
“Because he’s gay?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Because… his love isn’t accepted everywhere he goes. My voices are mine, private, no one sees them like they see Royal and Camden. When they hold hands, or kiss, they’re judged. If I ever date anyone, I won’t have to worry about who’s watching.”
“If?”
I turned my eyes toward the clock on the wall, dipping deeper under the water until my shoulders were covered. Making myself as small as possible, hiding behind that imaginary veil, I said, “I… I’ve never dated anyone.”
“Never?” he asked, his tone scratchy and disbelieving.
“Never, ever.” I gave him a small smile, but wouldn’t look away from the clock.
“Never.” He whispered more to himself than to me.
I told myself it didn’t matter what he thought, but I looked at him anyway. He ran his hands through his hair, and I watched as the muscles in his arms, his biceps, tightened and relaxed with the motion. He was sculpted and perfect and had probably dated a million girls. I wished for my overalls and paint brushes, my studio, my armor. What was happening between us? Was I like a sister? A friend? More? He’d said I was strong, but he didn’t understand that the demons in my head fed on the emptiness in my life. My foundation was weak, but I’d been taught to never give up, never stop building.
He flicked the water with his fingers, his lips curling up on one side, he asked, “So… does that mean…” Kai’s throat bobbed. “I mean, if you’ve never been on a date, then…”
He let the question fall into the abyss where all stupid boy questions go to die, my stomach fell with it. “No.”
“No?”
I tried to float on my own but couldn’t, taking a giant breath, I sank under the water. My head filled with muted sound, like cotton stuffed inside my ears. The water blue and clear, sucking me in. I didn’t necessarily want to drown, but it was better than answering that damn question.
Kai’s powerful hands grabbed my waist and pulled me above water. I inhaled too soon, coughing. “Shit, Indie, are you okay?”
“Yes, I—” I couldn’t think, let alone speak. For the second time tonight, his mouth was inches from mine. His coffee-colored eyes searched my face, looking for any sign of distress. “I’m fine,” I promised.
I blinked heavy wet lashes, and the droplets of water landed on my lips. Kai’s pupils dilated as I licked them away, his jaw tight as his fingers dug into the skin of my hips.
“I thought you were trying to drown again.” His low, gruff tone resonated in my bones, down to my knees. “You’re okay?”
“I’m okay.”
He let the grip of his fingers relax.
Don’t let go.
The voices scratched little laughs inside my temples, but I ignored them, too preoccupied with the way his hands lingered.
Every breath he took dusted his bare chest against my body. Violet and blue, watercolors brushed on a moment. Honest. Skin and hands and mouths, this was how it was done. Knowing a person, reaching inside to figure them out. Uncomfortable questions, embarrassing answers. He wanted to know me. I wanted him to touch my face, kiss me, see for himself what I hadn’t done.
“I was…” I lowered my chin. “It’s embarrassing.”
He released my hips, but didn’t step away.
“I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s all right. I shouldn’t be embarrassed.”
He lifted my chin with the tip of his two fingers. “No, you shouldn’t.” In my head, this was when he’d lower his chin, press soft lips to mine, and I’d die in that watercolor sea. In reality, he lowered his hand, his eyes worried over mine. “I shouldn’t have asked you such personal questions.”
“Friendship is personal, Kai.”
“I guess it is.” His grin made it easier for me to tell him the truth.
“No, I haven’t. Kissed a guy. Or anything else that goes along with dating…”
“Huh.”
“Shocking.” I smiled and shoved his chest.
“More like unbelievable.”
I pushed the fallen pieces of my hair into my bun as I said, “I was the weird, artsy girl with a cool brother. I was too quiet to be noticed.”
“I guarantee you were noticed. I bet the cool brother had more to do with it than you think.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
The dark slashes of his brows hovered over cool, confident eyes as they narrowed. “It means you’re fucking beautiful, and he probably told them he’d kick their asses if they ever asked you out.” He shrugged. “That’s what I would’ve done if you were my sister.”
You’re fucking beautiful.
Beautiful.
My tongue was heavy in my mouth, dry and wordless.
“Ask him. I bet you a drawing he tells you he warned a few guys off.”
I laughed, more of a short, hysterical burst as the butterflies tripped over each other in my belly. “A drawing?”
“Yeah, if I’m wrong, I’ll draw something for you, and if I’m right, I want a painting of yours.”
“Why does it seem like we’re always striking deals?”
He chuckled. “Maybe it’s the only way I can get you to do what I want?”
“Or believe you?”
“Exactly.” He splashed me, his smile broad, full lips stretched wide, reaching the soft creases around his eyes. He was golden skin, golden boy, and I was falling.
Our laughter quieted and I looked at the clock. “It’s getting late.”
The brightness of his smile lingered as he nodded. “We should go.”
“Thank you for tonight, you can rest assured that if I fall into a body of water I will float and not drown.”
“This is just lesson one, O’Connell.”
“Really, you don’t have to teach me.”
He gave me a lopsided grin. “There you go again, not believing me.”
I laughed and gave in. “When is lesson two?”
“Next week, same time?”
“We have that art history exam. We should study.”
“We’ll swim and then study after?”
Smiling, I laughed. “How did I get roped into helping you study?”
“I don’t need help, but it’s always better to study in pairs.”
“Is that a fact?”
“It is.” Kai pressed his lips together.
“You’re probably right.”
“I’m always right.”
“Mm-hm.”
I started toward the ladder, and once I was back on dry land, my fingers started to prune.
“You did good tonight,” he said. “Meet me in the lobby, I’ll walk you to Vigrus.”
“Thanks.”
It could have been my imagination, but I thought I felt the heat of his gaze following me until I was behind the locker room door.
The next morning, I woke up, half asleep, wondering if last night had been a dream. His fingerprints still covered my skin, and I smiled as I traced my own fingers over my arms and legs. I smelled like his soap and chlorine, and p
art of me didn’t want to shower at all today. I had a crush on my brother’s best friend. My new friend. I wanted to see every drawing he’d ever created, float in a pool with him every night. I wanted everything I’d never dared to want before and my smile faded. Kai was the guy. The hottest guy at St. Peter’s. Even Dev and Corbin talked about his sex life. He’d been the captain of their team. A legend in their eyes. I was the girl who had never kissed a boy.
You’re fucking beautiful.
The husky sound of his voice thrummed in my ear, spiking my pulse, and each fingerprint he’d left behind lit like a flame. Maybe friends were all we’d ever be, but at least now I knew what it felt like to burn.
“Shower is open.” Ari knocked twice, as usual.
I listened until her bedroom door shut before I stood and grabbed my towel from the back of my desk chair. The light on my phone blinked. A message from Daphne sat in my inbox.
Daphne: Hey. I’m sorry for yesterday. I love you, Pink.
Me: Are you home?
Daphne: For now. I’m taking your advice, about therapy.
Me: Yeah?
Daphne: Monday I’m checking into a treatment program. I want to be better.
A lump lodged itself inside my throat as I typed through a blur of tears.
Me: I want you to get better. I’m sorry I didn’t help you.
Daphne: I wasn’t ready.
Me: You are now?
Daphne: Yeah, Pink. I think I am.
Me: Can you call me?
Daphne: They’ll take my phone when I check in, but I’ll call you when I can. For now, it’s probably best if I keep my calls for my family. Get my head straight.
Me: Love you, Daph.
She never responded, and I’d hurried through my shower, wondering if this treatment place would actually help her. Ari and Imogen were already gone by the time I was ready to go, and I walked by myself, with a head full of questions, to Beckett for breakfast. I was deep in thought, and when I sat down, I didn’t realize Kai was at my table, chatting with Royal and Camden.
I expected him to stand, say he had somewhere to go, but instead he smiled and nodded his chin. “Hey.”
A warm flush invaded my cheeks as he turned to continue his conversation with my brother. Camden stared at me.
“Good morning,” I said to no one in particular, and Camden’s eyes shifted from me to Kai and then back again. Wishing away the blush from my cheeks, I stood and asked, “Anyone want a coffee?”
Royal waved me off. “Already got one, Pink, thanks.”
“Sure.”
Kai stood, as well. “I’ll come with you, I’m going to grab a cup before I head to the library.”
I didn’t miss the way Camden’s perceptive gray eyes flared with curiosity. My brother was oblivious. “See you at practice tonight. Coach is going to kill us.”
“He’ll go easy, he wants us healthy for tomorrow.” Kai raised his fist and Royal bumped it.
With another smile that made my heart skip, Kai followed me to the coffee counter. He kept his eyes forward; his hands shoved in his pockets and asked, “Did you get a text from Daphne?”
“I did. You?”
He exhaled and met my gaze. “Yeah. Looks like she’s going to rehab.”
“I’m glad.” I fiddled with the strap on my bag.
“You think it will stick?”
“I do.” I answered too quickly. “Well, I hope.”
“Me, too.”
We both stepped up to the counter and gave the girl our order. She gave Kai a suggestive grin, and he chewed the corner of his mouth. She was pretty, with dark hair and green eyes. I was envious of her womanly curves.
You’re fucking beautiful.
A small smile popped across my lips and stayed there as she flirted with him. He thought I was beautiful. Fucking beautiful. That had to mean something. Or maybe that’s what guy friends said to make their girl friends feel good. Kind of like how I’d told Daphne every morning she didn’t look tired even when she had. I was so busy sorting through my thoughts I missed when he’d paid for both of our lattes. The girl gave me a dirty look when I thanked him.
“I can pay for my coffee.”
“I can pay for it, too.”
I huffed out an aggravated laugh. “You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. I haven’t had my coffee yet, and my brain is literally functioning at thirty percent.”
“Why don’t you sit with us today?” I asked, taking a sip and burning my tongue in the process.
He turned to look at the table. Dev and Corbin had arrived and were in, what looked like, some kind of debate. Corbin scowled as Dev waved his hands.
“What are those idiots doing?”
My laugh bubbled up my chest. “I don’t know, but I’m excited to find out.”
He stared at me, his gaze tracing the line of my lips. I swallowed, wondering if he felt it. Felt the string attaching itself to each of our ribs, knotting and drawing us in with each twist. “I’m sorry it took so long for me… I mean… for us to be friends.”
“Me, too,” I said.
He smiled, and like it was second nature, he toyed with the end of my braid. “I can’t go to the studio tonight. I need to sleep for tomorrow.”
“That’s probably a better plan than painting. We need a win.”
“I need it.”
“It’s yours…” I whispered. “If you want it enough.”
He let go of my braid, his eyes distant and fading as he asked, “What if I missed my chance? What if I’m not good enough anymore?”
“You’re still their leader, Kai. Always.”
His smile was small. “You’ll be there, right? With Camden?”
“I might make him stand up and cheer with me.”
“He’ll love that.” He glanced at the table. “I should probably head to the library. I’ve got a few things to work on before class. I’ll see you on Saturday though.”
I didn’t want to watch him leave, watch as two girls sidled in on each side of him as he walked toward the doors. He was a leader, a magnet, drawing in everyone around him, and I was terrified I’d become collateral damage. The room fell into shades of green as I wished myself into the shoes of one of those girls. Girls he’d probably kissed once or twice, slept with, touched. Skin and hands and mouths. None of it belonging to me.
He pities you.
Little girl.
Little no one.
I shook my head, hating how fast I’d let my own insecurities, the witch inside my head, steal my smile.
Royal pushed his half-eaten bowl of oatmeal across the table as I sat down. “Finish this. Coffee is not breakfast.”
“I’m not that hungry.” But I spooned a bite of the maple and sugared oats into my mouth anyway.
Royal gave me a knowing smile. It stuck to my bones and made me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin.
I finished the bowl, listening to Dev and Corbin argue about the relay team they would face on Saturday. It wasn’t long before Royal gave them his opinion.
“Do you miss your quiet mornings alone in your room?” I asked Camden, half joking.
“Some days.”
“You have a fridge? Get some milk and Cap’n Crunch. He’ll never leave your bed.”
Camden blushed. “Thanks for the tip.”
“Anytime.”
Camden nodded his head toward the coffee counter. “What was that?”
“What?”
“You and Kai?” Camden reached and tugged on my braid, mimicking Kai’s familiar gesture.
I shrugged, failing at my own nonchalance, I avoided his eyes. “We’re friends.”
“Since when?”
“Since now, I guess. He’s in my art history class.”
“Who’s in your art history class?” Royal asked.
I sighed. “Kai.”
“They’re friends,” Camden said, a smirk burgeoning at the corner of his lips.
“Since when?” Royal as
ked, again, unnecessarily.
“He’s in her art history class,” Camden answered for me, enjoying himself more than I thought possible.
“Who’s in her art history class?” Corbin asked and I groaned.
“Kai.” Camden hid his smile behind his coffee cup, and I glared at him.
“We’re friends. It’s not a big deal.”
Corbin laughed. “Kai doesn’t do female friends, well, he does, but… yeah... you catch my drift.”
Royal’s iced blue eyes glared. “Corbin, I am not above drowning you today at practice.”
Dev choked on his Fruity Pebbles.
“You guys are ridiculous. I’m friends with all of you. Kai, Dev, Corbin, Camden. But I’m wondering now why I bother.”
“Pink.” Corbin held his hand to his heart. “You push too hard.”
My lips broke into an unwanted grin as I shook my head.
“Sorry.” Camden gave me a repentant smile.
“I don’t care if you’re friends with Kai,” Royal said, but I heard the way his voice betrayed him. I knew him as well as I knew myself.
“Why would it matter?”
“It wouldn’t.”
He wouldn’t look me in the eye, and I was reminded about what Kai had said last night.
“Blue…” He lowered his coffee cup to the table. “When we were in high school… did you tell guys not to date me?”
His brows furrowed, and he picked at the white paper ring around his coffee cup. “Why would I do that?”
“That’s not an answer.”
“My friends knew you were off limits.”
“Bro code… it’s genetically programmed into us at birth,” Corbin confirmed.
“Why would you do that? Wouldn’t you want me with a guy you trusted?”
“I didn’t trust my guy friends with you. I knew what they were like.”
“That wasn’t a choice for you to make.” I could feel the bright orange flicker of anger at the corner of my eyes.
“Pink… most of those guys were d-bags. They were my friends, but there was no way in hell I’d ever let them near you, much less hurt you.”
“Maybe I wanted the chance to decide for myself.” I shouldered my bag and pushed out of my chair.
“You’re my sister,” he said, his jaw set in a stubborn line.
The table was silent, not one of the guys, not even Camden, had taken a breath.
Seven Shades of You Page 15