Seven Shades of You

by Johnson, A. M.

  Despite the pain in my stomach, and the way my heart rioted against it, I smiled. “Hey.”

  She instantly started to cry, and my smile vanished. “You’re okay… I was so scared.”

  Guilt speared through me. “My phone died. Indie… I’m sorry. Please… please don’t cry. I should’ve called. My mom’s in the hospital and–”

  “Oh my God, Kai, is she okay?”

  It was my turn to lose control. My turn to let go, to let her see how weakly I was built. I broke down and told her what had happened, catching my breath as I cried. I was a five-year-old boy, with skinned knees, sobbing through the pain as it spread over my skin, as I told her that my mom was dying. That she’d almost choked to death on the fluid in her lungs. That I was helpless. That I was alone.

  “I could drive there. Royal would drive me.”

  “No.”

  “You’re not alone. Kai, I’m right here. Let me—”

  “It’s okay. You’re not driving all the way back here to coddle me, Indie. I can deal with this. It’s what I do.” I hadn’t meant it to sound as harsh as it had.

  “I know you can handle it, Kai.” She spoke softly, her voice like a cool cloth on my hot head. “I want to be there for you.”

  “My life… she has always been my life. Some things… I have to do alone.”

  She didn’t say anything for what felt like several minutes.

  “And your dad? Is he—”

  “He’s here.”

  Exhaling, I pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to tell her I missed her. That I wished she was sitting next to me. I wanted to hold her hand as I walked into the hospital. I wished she could have met my mom before I had to tuck her away in some sterile home for the nearly deceased.

  “This feels different… like you’re more than a few hundred miles away. Why does it feel like I’ve already lost you?” she asked, and I could hear the tears on her lips.

  Hesitating, I swallowed the acrid taste in my mouth and told her the only thing I could. The truth. “I need some time.”

  “Time?”

  “Royal called.”

  “He did?”

  “Yeah, he left me a message. I don’t want to be the wedge between you two.”

  “You’re not.” She raised her voice. “He’s okay with it.”

  “Indie…”

  “He’s getting there. We were both worried when you didn’t call. I was scared you’d gotten in an accident.”

  And he was scared I’d fucked you and ran. I didn’t say that, though, but that’s how little he thought of me. And rightly so. It’s what I’d taught him to believe. It’s who I’d used to be.

  A beep sounded in my ear, my dad was on the other line. I lifted my gaze to the hospital doors. “My dad’s trying to get a hold of me. I should go inside, see how my mom is.”

  It was a cop out, but I needed to hang up before I couldn’t. Before I decided I didn’t give a fuck about the truth, and let myself be selfish.

  “Will you let me know how she is?”

  “I’ll call when I can.”

  “Kai…” She steadied her voice. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  Indie was all I wanted, but I’d learned at an early age from my dad’s clichéd line, ‘You can want it all you like, doesn’t mean you’ll ever get to have it.’

  Indigo

  “Listen to me…” Dad lifted my chin, his smile hidden beneath his beard, crinkled around the edges of his eyes. “You know what to do. He asked for time, his mother is sick. Give him time. And if the time turns into goodbye… he’s not the last boy you’ll ever love.”

  I couldn’t cry. Colorless, I didn’t have anything left to spill.

  “Did Liam tell you that when Mom left?” I asked without malice, with honest curiosity. I wondered if I would end up like dad. If I would end up alone for years, until something or someone finally found their way back to me.

  He chuckled and pulled me into a hug. His breath was hot in my hair as he spoke. “You don’t want to know what Liam said when Mom left.” Dad leaned back, his hands on my shoulders. “Mom came back… we found each other again. But that’s rare, honey. You’re young and so is he…”

  “I get it.” I gave him half of a smile. “Time. I can do that.”

  Weak.

  You’re already breaking.

  He used you.

  Avoiding my dad’s perceptive stare, I turned toward the car where my mother was hugging Camden for the fifth time.

  “Let’s go, Pink.” Royal rested his arm on the frame of the car door, his lips stretched into a grin as he watched our dad drag Camden into a hug.

  “Miss you already,” Mom said, as usual. She kissed my forehead, handing me the pink dress we bought for the Spring Fling. “It’ll all work out,” she said, always so positive and sure, she squeezed me a little harder than usual.

  “I hope so.”

  “If it doesn’t… you know we’re here waiting for you.” She wrapped her arms around me again, this time the smile I produced felt real.

  “Mom, the dress…”

  “Screw the dress. I miss you already.”

  I laughed into her shoulder. “You already said that.”

  She pushed a piece of my hair behind my ears. I hadn’t pulled it back yet, hoping to send Kai a picture, letting him know I was on my way home. Home to him.

  Royal eventually put his foot down, and Mom gave us all one last hug before we hit the road. The ride home was quieter than I expected. Camden was lost in his notebook, scribbling music notes across his lined paper, and I wondered if Royal had turned up the radio, hoping he wouldn’t have to talk to me. The week at our parents wasn’t strained, exactly, but there was something off between Blue and me. We avoided eye contact during dinner time, and when our extended family came over for a night of board games, he purposely pit himself against me, something he’d never done before in our entire life. We were always a team.

  I tried to ignore his silence and reread the meager texts I had from Kai, looking for something to hold onto inside his words.

  Kai: Mom is looking a lot better. No more fever.

  Kai: Sorry, I’ve been moving some of my mom’s things to Orchard House.

  Two texts.

  His mom was dying.

  He used you.

  His mom was sick.

  Stupid girl.

  I pressed the camera app, raised the phone, and snapped a quick picture. No one noticed, and when I looked at the screen, I smiled. It was a decent picture. The wind from Royal’s cracked window had shuffled my hair. My blue eyes were bright behind pale golden strands. I pressed send before I could overthink it.

  Me: On my way home.

  I didn’t expect a reply, so I was surprised when my phone vibrated in my hand.

  Kai: You look happy.

  Me: I’m happy I’ll be seeing you soon.

  Kai: I won’t be there. Have to get my mom settled.

  Me: What about classes?

  Kai: I sent out an email to my professors and Coach. I got approval to miss a week.

  Kai: My dad is traveling, surprise, surprise. I want to make sure she’s okay. New place and everything.

  Another week. Another million miles between us.

  Selfish.

  He doesn’t want you.

  The witch was regaining her rule. Every day the voices had gotten worse. My dad told me I had to see Dr. Sand as soon as I got back, but there was this small piece of me, this tiny, self-indulgent spark that said, let her win. Let her make it better. I knew that was the monster inside me, the one my father warned me about. He’d always painted his away. His monster, the specter, showed up in a lot of his work. I’d never met mine, and I hoped I never would. Dr. Sand wasn’t an option, it was a necessity.

  Me: Is she still in the hospital?

  Kai: No. We moved her today. This place is nice.

  Me: Nice is good.

  Twenty minutes passed without a reply, but I refused t
o put my phone in my pocket. I held on to it like a talisman, closed my eyes, and refused to let the witch whisper me into my dreams.

  “Indie…”

  My eyes slowly opened. The smell of gasoline filled my lungs as I yawned.

  “We stopped for gas.” Camden stared at me from the front seat. “Do you want me to run in and grab you anything?”

  I shook my head, sitting up and stretching my arms. “I’m okay, thanks.”

  I debated on using the restroom, but decided against it when I realized we were at the place we’d stopped at on our way home last time. The toilet stalls had no doors. I could wait for the next stop.

  “Good, that place freaks me out. I told Royal not to stop, but he didn’t think we’d make it to the next city.”

  I laughed and stared out the window at my brother.

  “He’s never been this angry at me before,” I whispered.

  “He’s not angry.” I turned and faced Camden. “He’s hurt.”

  I folded and unfolded my hands in my lap. “That’s worse.”

  “Maybe. Give him time.”

  I huffed out a laugh. “I’m giving everyone time, it seems.” Camden gave me a confused look. “Kai needs time, too.”

  “Royal said Hospice is involved now… I don’t know… Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s getting some help. Maybe he’ll have more time to just… be.”

  “I have a feeling he doesn’t know who he is if he’s not helping her.” I picked up my phone from the floor where it had fallen, I assumed, while I slept.

  “That’s something he’ll have to figure out on his own.”

  “Why?” I asked, hating how petulant I sounded. “Why can’t I be there to help him?”

  “You can be… Royal was there for me… when I was ready.”

  “Kai isn’t ready.”

  It wasn’t a question, but Camden answered it anyway. “Maybe not, but you can be there when he is.” His smile was soft.

  “And what if he’s never ready?”

  “Then he’s missed out… it’s his loss. Not yours.” Camden’s silver-green eyes glimmered as he reached over the console and squeezed my knee.

  “What’d I miss?” Royal asked as he slid into the driver’s seat.

  “Nothing, we were debating whether or not it was worth it to use those bathrooms again.” Camden gave him a pointed look, and a slow smile spread over my brother’s cheeks.

  “And?” Royal glanced over his shoulder.

  “Hell, no. I still haven’t gotten over the last time,” I said, and Royal laughed.

  I wanted to bottle the sound of it. It was the first real laugh I’d gotten from him since he’d found out about Kai.

  The car started and Royal looked at me through his rearview mirror. “If you really need to go, Pink. I’ll go in with you. Stand guard at the door.”

  If he and I weren’t two hearts, two sets of souls weaved together through DNA, history, and something only we understood, it would have seemed like such a small offer. But as his eyes held mine through the mirror, I saw his olive branch for what it was. He would always be there. He was my big brother, my protector.

  “Awe, thanks, Blue. I always wanted a potty guard.”

  Camden didn’t crack a smile. “That was a terrible joke.”

  Royal, on the other hand, snickered like a school boy. “So terrible.”

  “Whatever, Blue. You love me and my bad dad jokes.”

  Our eyes met again in the mirror, and his smile widened. “Yeah... I guess I do.”

  He didn’t turn up the music this time, and I took that as another good sign. I listened to him and Camden talk about Royal’s new tattoo. A string of musical notes from the song Camden had played at his winter concert last semester were now permanently placed along Royal’s left collar bone. The conversation felt lighter as the trees blew by, and the closer we got to campus, the harder it was for me to ignore the phone in my hand. Kai still hadn’t texted. It wasn’t until we were about fifty miles from campus that my phone finally vibrated.

  Kai: How do I do this?

  My fingers trembled as they skated across the screen.

  Me: Do what?

  Kai: Leave her here.

  I typed out a response and then deleted it. Six times. I had no idea what to tell him. Nothing I could say would make it easier for him to leave his mother behind in a foreign place. I pressed the call button and the phone rang four times before he answered.

  “I wish I was there,” I whispered, and he said nothing. “I know that wouldn’t make any of this better, but at least you wouldn’t be alone.”

  I kept my eyes on my lap and pretended like I wasn’t in the car with two other people. “I wish you’d let me be there for you, Kai.”

  I could hear him breathing, slow and even, and in the silence, his sadness bled through, blue and thick.

  “I don’t know how,” he said, his words ripped and raw. “Your brother’s right, Indie, you need someone who’s capable of so much more than I am right now.”

  “Your love is enough.” I closed my eyes, pressed my lips together to stop them from shaking.

  “Indie… I can’t—“

  “Don’t do this.” I wiped at my cheeks. “Don’t push me away.”

  I heard another voice in the background and he answered some unknown question. “That sounds good, tell her I’ll be right there.”

  “Kai?”

  “Indie, I have to go.” He exhaled and the pain of it split me open.

  Done with you.

  Throwing you away

  Used you.

  “You deserve more than this,” he whispered, before ending the call.

  I could feel Royal and Camden’s eyes on me. The pressure pushed down on my shoulders as I held in the sob trapped inside my chest. You deserve more than this. Angry tears threatened to leak down my cheeks, but I blew out a breath and composed myself.

  “Everything okay?” Royal asked, and I could hear the tension in his voice.

  I nodded, finding my own voice, taking a steady breath, I said, “Yeah, his mom is in the new place now. He got permission to miss a week of school to make sure everything is in place.”

  Royal’s posture relaxed. “That’s good news.”

  “Yeah… the best.” I stared out the window and ignored Camden’s knowing stare. “Can you turn up the music, Blue? I love this song.”

  You deserve more than this.

  The car filled with guitars, but the synth beat wasn’t enough to drown out the voices.

  He’s a liar.

  The subdued bustle of the morning crowd buzzed on as I slid into my usual seat. Beckett House was packed, everyone trying to grab something to eat before starting their day. I was the first to arrive at our table. I tried to get here as early as possible today, hoping to see Kai, even if only for a few minutes. He should’ve been back this morning. It had been a week since our last phone call, and according to Ari and Imogen, I should’ve been pissed at him. But they didn’t understand. I’d seen what it was like behind his mask. I saw what they couldn’t. His mother was dying, and so was he.

  Royal and Camden walked through the front doors, and I sat up taller. My brother met my gaze from across the room, his smile falling as he shook his head. I stared at the door. Kai wasn’t there.

  “Hey, Pink.” Corbin pulled out the chair next to me. “You okay? You look a little pale.”

  My heart raced as it deflated, begging, but I was left with an empty feeling as I slipped on the best smile I could. “Not feeling so great.”

  Corbin opened his protein drink. “Seems to be going around. Sherman puked at weights today.” He snickered. “Best thing I’ve seen all year.”

  “What are you talking about?” Dev asked, setting his full tray on the table.

  “Sherman yarfing because he’s a pus—“

  “Hey, my sister is at the table.” Royal sat down and Camden followed.

  Royal nodded his chin at my tray. “Aren’t you going to eat?”
/>
  I pushed my unopen box of Cheerios toward him. “Not hungry.”

  He and Camden shared a look, and I purposefully changed the subject. “How was the gym besides Sherman and his abdominal fireworks?”

  “It feels weird without Kai, man.” Corbin picked at the grapes on my tray. “Have you heard from him?” he asked my brother. “How’s his mom?”

  Royal avoided my eyes as he said, “He actually called me this morning. His mom is good, he’ll be back tomorrow.”

  “You spoke to him?” I sat up, my heart raging again. “What did he say? Is everything okay?”

  My brother clenched his jaw. “Yeah, Pink. Everything is okay… with his mom.” He spoke, placing an emphasis on “with his mom.”

  “Oh.” I glanced around the table and found everyone staring at me. “Glad to hear it.”

  “Same,” Dev said. “We need him if we’re going to beat Western Idaho again next week.”

  I picked at the edge of my tray, ignoring the way Royal watched me. He was always watching me lately. I’d promised him I’d speak to Dr. Sand and I had. I had another appointment tomorrow, the thought made me think of Kai. Would he be there, too? All I did was think about Kai. You deserve more than this. His last words ate at me every day. And every day the witch in my head told me he was a liar. I was starting to believe her. I didn’t know what I deserved anymore.

  “No way.” My brother’s voice broke through my mental digression.

  “Why is everyone looking at me?” I asked with a nervous laugh.

  Royal frowned. “Ignore these idiots, please.”

  “I think she was ignoring us already.” Corbin threw a grape at Royal and Camden chuckled. “Do you—“

  “Come on, did you forget what I said the last time?” My brother glared at Corbin, a silent threat in his eyes.

  Corbin flicked him off and turned his attention to me. “Do you or do you not have a date for Spring Fling?”

  He had no idea how much it cost me to answer.

  “No.”

  “Go with us.” Corbin’s smirk was directed at my brother, and Royal groaned.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Us?”

  “Me and Corbin,” Dev clarified.