Seven Shades of You

by Johnson, A. M.

  My smile faltered. “I thought we weren’t saying his name.” I stood, smoothing my hands down the silk fabric of my dress. “Besides. There’s no me and Kai, remember.”

  “I think if he could see you in this dress he’d come crawling back.” Ari’s lips broke into a wide smile. “Corbin and Dev are going to fight over you, and I can’t wait to watch who wins.”

  “You’re a little crazy, you know that, right?”

  “It’s why Gus likes me, I keep shit interesting.” Ari pointed to the foot of her bed. “Imogen left her rose-gold open toes by the bed for you.”

  “I can’t believe she’s not going,” I said, slipping my right foot into the delicate heel.

  Ari tugged on the bodice of her green dress, revealing more cleavage. “She’ll be there taking pictures for the paper.”

  “It’s not the same,” I said and turned to look at myself in the full-length mirror.

  I didn’t recognize the girl in the reflection. In her pink silk slip dress, the fabric barely dusting the floor, she seemed taller… sexy. Her skin was flawless, her lips parted and full, the color of a rose petal. Her blue eyes were deep and cobalt against the light color of her dress. She was paint free and confident. She was exquisite.

  Ari stood next to me and whispered, “He has no idea what he gave up.”

  “Don’t make me cry.”

  “If you cry, I’m not redoing your makeup.”

  Laughing, I nodded. “Good point.”

  A loud knock on the door made me jump and both Ari and I laughed.

  “Put this on and I’ll get the door.” She handed me a tube of gloss.

  I did as she ordered, placing the gloss in a small clutch I’d gotten to go with the dress. Royal’s laughter echoed through the suite, and my cheeks flushed with nerves as I took one last look in the mirror.

  Fake.

  Ridiculous.

  I didn’t close my eyes, instead I held my gaze and whispered, “Tonight is for you.”

  “Holy shit, Pink.” Royal’s smile stretched into dimples as I turned to face him. He stared at my bare shoulders. “You’re bringing one of those sweater things, you know what I’m talking about, something to cover—”

  “A shawl?” Ari laughed. “Hell no, this girl does not need a cover-up.”

  “Says you,” Royal grumbled under his breath, and his boyfriend’s lips twitched.

  “You look gorgeous.” Camden kissed my cheek.

  “Thank you.” I flexed my fingers at my sides. “You both look very handsome. I like the matching ties.”

  Camden and Royal were both wearing dark gray tailored suits. Their silvery green ties reflected differently in each of their eyes, creating their own shades of blue and green.

  Royal took Camden’s hand and said, “I might need you to hold me back if Corbin and Dev piss me off.”

  Camden looked at my brother, affection in his eyes, and chuckled. “You’re on your own.”

  “I love you, too.” Royal leaned in and kissed him on the mouth. “Should we go?” he asked, his face and neck flush with color.

  “I’m ready.” I hugged Ari. “I’ll see you there.”

  “Try to live a little,” she whispered before she let me go.

  Royal took my right hand as Camden took my left, I looked at my brother and said, “Don’t let me fall.”

  “We won’t.”

  Kai

  “Turn it down, Kai. I’m tired.”

  I muted the television and stood, grabbing the water pitcher by the side of my mom’s bed. “I’ll refill this. Be right back.”

  I made my way down the hall and smiled at the two nurses behind the desk. Lifting the pitcher so they could see it. “Seven-hundred milliliters.”

  “Thanks, Kai.” Nikki, one of the nurses said, “Don’t fill it all the way, she’s close to her limit.”

  “Will do.”

  My mother’s ins and outs were closely regulated here. Orchard House so far had proven to be a pretty decent place. The staff was good to her, the nurses seemed like they actually liked their patients. Although my mom was obviously depressed, she said she liked it here, too.

  I filled the pitcher to the three-hundred-and-fifty mark, no ice, and replaced the lid. Nikki eyed the pitcher as I passed and gave me a small smile. I nodded my chin, keeping my attention on the floral wallpaper as I walked down the hall to room one-seventy-two. A small painting of an apple tree hung above the number placard on her door.

  Mom was on her side, eyes closed as I walked in. I poured water into a cup with a straw, and before I had a chance to sit back down, she asked, “Why are you here?”

  “Where else would I be, Mom?” I sighed, shaking my head I pulled the chair closer to her bed and sat down.

  “School. Practice. It’s Friday right? Don’t you have a meet this weekend?”

  “It was this week and we lost.” I leaned back, pinching the bridge of my nose.

  “Do you have a headache?”

  “Always.”

  “Go home, Kai.”

  “Stop it, Mom.”

  She gripped the hem of her pillowcase in her fragile-looking hands. “No… you stop this right now. I don’t want you here.”

  “Mom, come on…”

  She was agitated, her arm trembling, and I almost called the nurse, but a few tears trickled down her cheeks. “It hurts too much.”

  “I’ll call the nurse, I think you can have morphine…”

  “Not the pain, watching you… it hurts to watch you.”

  I sank back into the chair, deflated. “I’m sorry.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “I want you to go home, Kai.”

  “I can’t… I don’t want to leave you,” I argued, but she opened her eyes at the crack in my voice.

  “I know.” She patted the side of her bed, and I leaned closer, resting my hand on the mattress. Her hands were cold and thin as they covered mine. “But I need it. I need you to go so I can feel better.”

  “You don’t want me here?” I hated my childish tone. I was supposed to be here for her, not the other way around.

  “I really don’t, baby.” She smiled. “I love you too much too keep you here, and watching you mope around, it’s like the Grim Reaper sharpening his scythe.”

  “Tell me how you really feel.” I gave her a lopsided smile.

  “You never do that anymore.”

  “What?”

  “Smile.” I lifted one of my hands and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. “I miss your smiles.”

  “I smile, Mom. You’re just always sleeping.”

  Even her laugh sounded tired. “They give me the good drugs, here… It’s Friday night… shouldn’t you be out with that girl you were telling me about?”

  “We’re not together anymore.”

  “Is that why you stopped smiling?”

  I gave her a watery smile. “I think it might be one of the reasons, yeah.”

  “Kai, my life has been small. Small town. Small experiences. But I was lucky, because God gave me a huge gift when he gave me you… and I need you to listen to me… really listen, Kai. I need you to go—”

  “Mom.”

  “Listen.” She raised her voice and her face paled. “I’m not telling you to stay away, but I’m telling you to live your own life. There is nothing small about you, Kai Carter. You have always lived big, and I don’t want to be the reason you stop. Don’t stop for me… I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted… in you. And watching you like this… it’s worse than death.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for a grown man to cry as hard as I was in that moment. With drenched cheeks, I sucked in a deep, harsh breath, sucked the air through my nose, my mouth, like I was a toddler.

  “Can you do that for me… can you promise me you won’t stop.”

  My entire body nodded. “Yeah, Mom, I promise.”

  Her pillowcase was wet, her tears soaking into the fabric, she asked, “Get a tissue for me?”

  “Of c
ourse.” I stood faster than I intended and was dizzy on my feet. Grabbing a few tissues from her night stand, I handed them to her.

  “Do you have a picture of her?” she asked, dabbing at her nose.

  “Of who?”

  “The girl who made you smile.”

  I pulled my phone from my pocket, and opened up the picture Indie had sent me on her way home from Utah.

  “Her name’s Indie,” I said, holding the screen so my mom could see it.

  Mom’s smile was next level as she stared at the picture. “Kai… she’s so pretty.”

  I looked at my phone, rubbing the back of my neck, a smile stretched across my lips. “This picture doesn’t do her justice.”

  “Why aren’t you together anymore?”

  “I screwed up.”

  “Can you fix it?” she asked, the hope in her eyes lit a fire inside my chest.

  Could I fix it?

  “I want to,” and as I said it, my heart took on an urgent rhythm.

  “Call her right now.” Mom looked at me like I was stupid, and I laughed.

  “It’s not that easy, Mom.”

  “It’s always that easy.”

  “She’s at the Spring Fling.”

  “The what?”

  “A dance at school.”

  “What time does it start?”

  “It started an hour ago.”

  For the first time in two weeks, my mother’s eyes were clear, no hint of shadow, or pain as she stared up at me and said, “Then you still have plenty of time.”

  I was filled with apprehension as I approached Garnett Hall. The music filtered from behind the closed doors of the auditorium, the hard bass thumping in time with my heart as I ran up the stairs. There was no guarantee Indie and the guys would still be here. Most of the time, people made an appearance at these types of things before leaving to go party somewhere without the faculty and staff as chaperones. Spring Fling was sort of huge, though. St. Peter’s was older than dirt, and sixteen years ago, the Board of Directors had decided to throw a charity gala to help raise funds for the school’s defunct athletic department. This was more than a dance, and I was banking on that fact, hoping everyone was still here sipping nine-dollar glasses of punch.

  I’d made it back from Rockport in a record thirty minutes, without getting pulled over, and didn’t bother to stop by my dorm to throw on some slacks and a tie. I would most likely stand out like a sore thumb and make a fool out of myself once inside, but after what my mom had said tonight, I didn’t want to let her down. It made sense, what she’d said. It was why I’d changed my major in the first place. I’d fallen back into my pattern of pushing away everything in my life because I’d felt guilty I had a life. It wasn’t selfish to live. I promised her I wasn’t going to stop trying. I would do this for her, for me. And maybe like Brian had said, when my mom did pass away, because yes, she was going to die, at least she’d go knowing I was taken care of, that I was happy.

  Even the girls selling tickets were dressed up, and I didn’t miss the way they gawked at me, like I was out of my mind, as I handed them the eighty dollars required to attend.

  “You know it’s a formal… right?” Her vapid, hazel eyes scanned my jeans and Stacks t-shirt.

  “Shit, really? I didn’t know.” I grinned, and she narrowed her eyes before I walked toward the auditorium.

  Dim lights lit the wood floor in a warm glow. Everything was doused in pastels. The tables were covered with starched white cloth, bouquets of multicolored tulips sat in crystal vases in the center. Eighties’ music blared from the overhead speakers, the dance floor at the center of the room pulsed, illuminated, and alive. Ignoring the curious eyes, I walked deeper into the room. The place was packed with dark suits and overly bright dresses, and as I scanned the surrounding tables, I came up empty. I recognized some of the faces, a few of the guys from the football team snickered as I walked by.

  “Couldn’t afford a suit, Carter?” Some asshole from my high school elbowed his buddy, and I shrugged with a forced smile.

  The crowd dispersed a bit, opening up my field of vision, and I spotted Royal and Camden, hand in hand, whispering to each other next to one of the food tables. Bracing myself, I walked to where they were standing, taking even breaths as I went.

  “What are you doing here?” Royal darted his eyes to the dance floor and then back at me.

  I followed his gaze and wished I hadn’t. Indie’s smile was radiant as she laughed. Dev twirled her in time with the music, and the overhead lights lit her hair like a halo. The pink, silky-looking fabric of her dress clung to all of her curves, slight and perfect. The tiny straps on her shoulders exposed all of her creamy skin, soft and…

  “Kai, man. What the hell?” Royal punched me in the shoulder. “If she sees you, you’ll ruin her whole night. Don’t make me hate you.”

  “Nice to see you, too.” I smiled at Camden. “You look good.”

  “I know,” he said and straightened his tie.

  “I’m serious, get the hell out of here. Don’t do this to her.” Royal’s lips were set in a firm line.

  “I’m here for her.” I pushed my shoulders back, found my height, my back bone.

  “You can’t push in and out of her life whenever you want. I told you. She’s not built like that.”

  “I messed up… and I can’t expect you to trust me, but please believe it when I say, I’m in love with your sister, Royal, and I’m here to make it right.”

  He relaxed, his eyes drifting to the dance floor, he said, “If you hurt her again, we’re done, and that’s after I kick your ass.”

  I chuckled. “Seems reasonable.”

  He nodded his chin toward his sister as the lights dimmed. Indie’s smile was nervous as Dev took her hand and pulled her into his chest. A slow rendition of “99 Red Balloons” started to play, and my stomach dropped as she draped her arm around his neck. Maybe I was too late. Maybe there was nothing left to fix.

  “You better break that up before I do.” Royal’s lips lifted slightly, but his guarded expression held. “Fix it, Kai.”

  I stepped onto the dance floor, bumping into a few couples as I hesitated. Dev whispered something in Indie’s ear. Her cheeks turned pink, and my hands started to shake. I was fighting against rage and fear as I moved closer. Dev noticed me first, his lips breaking into a smile, and then just as quickly, his smile fell as he gauged my mood.

  “Indie…”

  She heard my voice, her arm falling from around Dev’s neck, her eyes glittered under the low light. Up close she was even more beautiful. The little makeup she had on highlighted her cheek bones, but didn’t hide her perfect imperfections. Her freckles still dotted her cheeks. She smelled like lavender, and if Dev wasn’t standing right here, I’d reach out and touch her, see if her skin was as soft as I remembered, as soft as it looked.

  “Dev, I’m gonna finish this dance… if that’s okay with you?”

  Dev’s eyes darted between me and Indie. Confused. “Sure, I should find Corbin anyway.”

  Indie pointed to the other side of the room. Corbin had his tongue down the throat of a petite brunette.

  Dev laughed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Guess I’ll be hanging with your brother, come grab me when you’re done.”

  I kept my eyes on Indie as he walked away. She kept her eyes on the ground. The music continued, its melodic rhythm pulling us together. I brushed my knuckles against hers and she shuddered.

  “Will you dance with me?”

  She laced our fingers together, a silent agreement. I lifted her arm until it rested on my shoulder. The tips of my fingers trailed over her skin, stealing her heat. She wet her lips as she gazed up at me. We didn’t say anything. Her arms around my neck, my hands on her hips as we moved to the music. Indie pressed the length of her body along mine, and I submitted to the vulnerability, to her. She could tell me to leave, tell me there was no way I could repair the damage I had done, and I’d walk away, with the feel of silk on
my fingertips, and her scent in my lungs, knowing I’d try again the next day. And the day after that.

  I lowered my chin and placed my lips to her forehead, whispering against her skin, I perched myself on the tip of her knife. “I don’t want to stop.”

  Her breathing accelerated, her eyes shimmering, she asked, “Stop?”

  “Living… ” I held her face in my hands, watched as her lips trembled. “I almost lost my mom… and it scared the shit out of me… but I know now, all these years, I’ve been watching my mom die and I was following right behind her. I don’t want to stop, Indie. Living… loving you. I fell in love with you, and it was the first time in forever that I can remember feeling actual happiness in my life.”

  “What if after everything… I’m not enough?”

  “Indie… you’re enough.” I kissed the smooth spot between her brows. “You. Are. Enough.” I said each word slowly, kissing the tears on her cheeks. “You are so much more,” I whispered against her cheek, my hand on her neck, my thumb feeling the heavy thud of her pulse. “I know I messed up… and even though I don’t deserve—”

  “You do, though” she whispered. “You deserve happiness, Kai. You deserve the love you give.”

  I rested my forehead against hers. There were no lights. No sound as the color of the room swam around us.

  “I believe you,” I whispered the familiar words, our words, against her mouth, and she smiled.

  Indie curled her fingers into the collar of my t-shirt, pulling away any remaining distance. And it didn’t matter that Corbin, somewhere behind us, hollered and whistled over the music. Tentative kisses gave way to parted lips. Peppermint and salt. Parted lips became two weeks’ worth of goodbyes, and as my fingers tangled in her hair, I wondered if she could taste my regret. I wanted her to taste my truth, all seven shades of it. That I was indeed, built just like her, with a tongue that could taste the red on her lips, the torrent of orange on her skin, see the yellow in her pulse, the vibrant green hidden inside the blue of her irises, heard her name, Indigo, every time I closed my eyes at night.

  I’d found the forever in my bones as she broke away from our kiss, and I felt the violet color of her touch as she traced the curve of my lip with the tip of her thumb. As if she’d tasted every last one of my thoughts, she whispered, “I believe you, too.”