Vessel (Cutting Cords Series Book 2)

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “I want them to speak English.”

  “Naturally.”

  “Don’t say naturally like I’m an idiot. I don’t know what’s available.”

  “Leave it to Uncle Max. I’ll hook you up.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem. How did it go in town earlier?”

  “Fine, I guess. We’re both still alive to talk about it.”

  “How long before you have to give Cole your answer?”

  “Sooner rather than later, so hop on the detective, will ya?”

  “I said I’d take care of it. What do you think of this guy?” Max said, pointing at his monitor.

  “He could be the next James Bond.”

  “Definitely fits the bill.”

  “What do they wear under those kilts?”

  “Not a damn thing, if I remember correctly.”

  “For real?”

  “It’s hot as hell.”

  “It sure makes life easier, doesn’t it?”

  Max laughed, looking at me with a wicked gleam in his eyes. “There’s only one way to find out.”

  “Will you sample the wares?”

  Max snorted. “I’m not a Hollywood producer, beauty. Sleeping with me is not a prerequisite for the job.”

  “I seem to recall you mentioning your motto before I ended up in your bed years ago.”

  “No one twisted your arm.”

  “Why are we even having this discussion?”

  “You started it.”

  “Let me know how it works out with your English hottie.”

  “I’ll text you.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Chapter 12

  For some reason, Cole thought a weekend of sex and relaxation would erase all my doubts and put us back on track. I was nowhere closer to being comfortable with Noriko or in having to make a decision that would change our lives forever. My spidey sense was tingling, and I refused to be lulled into complacency. The baby or babies themselves were not the main issue, but the methods the Fujiwaras were employing to obtain them bordered on sinister. I was positive the decision to marry Noriko would have unforeseen complications.

  In retrospect, I should have expected Ken to do something like this. He’d been shocked when Cole came out five years ago, but due to more pressing concerns―like his imminent blindness―had held his peace. Eileen, Cole’s mother, and his three sisters had been more understanding. Still, Cole’s transition from straight to openly bisexual had not been without issues. As weeks turned into months and then years, his parents fell in step with my father’s supportive lead. It was obvious how much I loved and cared for their only son. Anything that helped Cole through the worst time of his life was appreciated, and it included putting up with his male lover.

  In the last year, I felt a subtle shift in Ken and Eileen’s behavior. Now I understood the rationale behind the change. They were secretly waging a campaign for Cole to consider IVF now that genetic testing was possible. His parents, Ken in particular, were going out of their way to keep me in the dark.

  Hopefully, the detective would unearth something so damaging it would convince Cole that we could find a better alternative. There was no way on earth I’d agree to it. No fucking way! If Cole wanted someone Japanese or mixed race, we’d find her. An iron-clad contract could be drawn up so Cole retained full rights as the children’s biological father. Most surrogates insisted on meeting the prospective parents, but they didn’t normally live with them. After the initial meet and greet, all communication was handled through lawyers, which made a lot more sense.

  Max found a detective based in Tokyo who was willing to do the legwork for a small fortune. I insisted on daily updates. It was a long shot, to be sure, but I had a deadline—one menstrual cycle to prepare Noriko for implantation—to find the evidence proving there was more to Ken’s plan than met the eye.

  To make matters even worse, we had to decide where Noriko would stay while she was undergoing the initial phase of treatment. Ken and Eileen thought it would be more convenient for Noriko to live with us, even though I mentioned we didn’t have the extra room.

  “We could clear out the study,” Cole suggested. “Move our computers and desks into the living room.”

  Hell no. “It’s a terrible idea.”

  “We’ll have to make it work for now. Maybe start looking for a bigger place?”

  My outrage had eroded my filters, already in short supply. “Hold on a minute,” I demanded. “You said we’d wait.”

  “For what?”

  “Several things.” I tried to keep a level tone, even though I wanted to scream. Cole, on the other hand, was already frowning, and tension radiated out of him like a live wire.

  “Why don’t you tell me what in hell we’re waiting for?”

  “You said we’d hold off until I was convinced Noriko was a good fit, and the genetic testing was completed. And since you obviously have short-term memory loss, you promised to wait on the marriage until her pregnancy was firmly established.”

  “In the meantime, she needs a place to live.”

  “She can stay at a hotel,” I offered coldly.

  “How will we get to know her if we don’t have daily contact?”

  Exasperated, I pointed out, “We’ll see her every time we go to the fertility clinic.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  This was a new low for us. We’d gone from a loving couple who shared one mindset to protagonists in a twisted melodrama. And if that weren’t bad enough, Cole insisted I accompany him and Noriko for the initial visit to the fertility specialist. In the waiting room, my knee bounced spasmodically, as I braced for impending doom. Eventually, we were led into a private office where the doctor explained what would happen in the upcoming weeks.

  Noriko would be given drugs to suppress her own hormones for twenty-one days, inducing a state of artificial short-term menopause with the accompanying side effects like mood swings and hot flashes. Once her hormone levels were reduced, they would begin injections to stimulate her ovaries and egg production. This phase usually lasted around eight to twelve days, depending on how her body reacted. She would be constantly monitored via ultrasound to see if her ovaries were responding to the drugs. Sometimes, the doctor explained, a woman’s body overreacted, resulting in ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. This could cause a number of symptoms, including abdominal pain, vomiting, nausea, or dehydration. It sounded ghastly, but it was all a part of the process, according to Dr. Frankenstein. I’d jokingly referred to the physician in charge of Noriko’s care by the unflattering moniker, but he didn’t seem to object. Cole, on the other hand, was not amused.

  If the hormone therapy followed its normal course, Noriko’s ovaries would produce a sufficient number of large follicles so withdrawal could take place. The eggs would be collected using a fine hollow needle. At this stage, Cole would have to produce his sperm, which would be placed in the Petri dish. And voila! The cells would multiply and grow. Testing for normal growth patterns would occur daily, and as soon as there were enough cells for genetic testing, PGD would begin. Once the tests were complete, and a couple of viable candidates were selected, they would be implanted into Noriko’s uterus, and the waiting game would commence. Sometimes a pregnancy would go off without a hitch, and other times, it would fail and the entire process would have to be repeated.

  Why would anyone in their right mind undergo such physical and mental trauma? Even under the best of circumstances, the in vitro process was stressful and invasive. I couldn’t imagine subjecting myself to the constant poking and prodding. Noriko appeared unfazed by any of the steps, which made me wonder where Cole got the idea she’d need our support.

  “I know I promised we’d wait on the marriage until she got pregnant,” Cole said, pulling my mind back to our discussion on living quarters. “In the interim, someone’s got to support her emotionally.”

  “Why do we have to be in charge of her mental health?”

  “W
e owe it to her.”

  “The emotional toll is only one part of her job, and she appears to be coping just fine.”

  “I don’t care,” Cole said dismissively. “I’d like to keep an eye on her. She’s about to embark on a huge undertaking, and I want to be around if she needs me.”

  Hot tears were threatening to boil over, but I refused to give him the satisfaction. “What about my feelings?”

  “Come to terms with them, Sloan. You keep hoping I’ll change my mind, but I won’t.”

  I bit down hard on my lower lip to get a grip, but I was too disgusted by his presumptuous attitude to remain silent. “You disrespectful bastard. How dare you talk to me like I’m a worthless fixture in your life?”

  “Sloan, be reasonable.”

  “Me? You can’t even discuss this rationally.”

  Cole raked shaky fingers through his long hair. “I’m so tired of your negative attitude.”

  “Excuse me for wanting to protect our relationship.”

  “How can you be so selfish?”

  “This is pointless, Cole. You’re incapable of seeing the big picture.”

  “Is it wrong to want some normality?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m tired of being a circus sideshow.”

  “Sorry—what?”

  Cole lowered his gaze. Even if he hadn’t seen me in over a year, his mental picture of me was crystal clear. He could probably picture the look of horror on my face. Lifting his chin, I was startled to see his deep blue eyes glittering with unshed tears.

  “It’s ironic how this is all playing out,” he mused. “One of these days, you’ll come to your senses on your own and see me for what I am―an unbearable burden.”

  I gripped his biceps. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Not at all. I hear the comments from your peers, Sloan. I’m blind, not deaf, but people always equate the two things. I’ve listened to them wager on who the lucky candidate is going to be―the one who lures you into his bed when you get bored playing nursemaid.”

  “They’re a bunch of meddling queens who like to stir up shit.”

  “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

  “Spare me the fucking clichés. Have I ever come close to cheating?”

  “Not that I’m aware, but it’s bound to happen eventually. You were only twenty-three when we hooked up. Far too young to take on so much responsibility, yet you’ve done amazingly well. You’ve conquered most of your demons and provided me with the stability I needed to transition from sighted to blind. I’m grateful and very proud of you, Sloan, but I’m also a realist. One day, you’ll look at me and wonder why the hell you’re here.”

  “Cole, I love you. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

  “Maybe not this minute, but I know in my heart that you’ll leave me one day. Having children will bring me some comfort and take my mind off my lot in life.”

  “There is nothing wrong with your life,” I roared in frustration. “What the hell, Cole? You have a great job and a partner who loves and respects you.”

  Cole shrugged off my hands and continued robotically. “I want to be a father and have a family like everyone else. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me anymore.”

  I was deeply disturbed by the direction this conversation was taking. Years ago, Cole had issues with people’s perception of him, but I thought he’d finally made peace with his condition, thanks to his sight counselor and my constant reassurance. Apparently, I was mistaken. I could barely articulate my next sentence, I was so flustered.

  “People don’t feel sorry for you, Cole.”

  “They won’t when I have a normal family.”

  “I thought we were a family?”

  “A family needs children.”

  “You know that’s not true. And for the record, I’m not against children. It’s the marriage to Noriko I find abhorrent. And you’ve just managed to add another element to this clusterfuck. I had no idea you doubted my feelings.”

  Cole snorted. “You were recently voted one of America’s most beautiful people. Why would you want to be saddled with my blind ass for the rest of your life?”

  I reached for him, but he sensed my approach and held up his hand like a traffic cop. “Don’t come any closer. We need to settle this, and I can’t think straight when we’re inches apart.”

  “Don’t push me away.”

  His rigid control finally broke, and tears poured down his cheeks. “You can do better than me, Sloan.”

  “It’s you I want. Stop using this to justify your decision to marry Noriko.”

  “There’s no reason for you to be tied down to a man who’s so fucking needy.”

  “You never questioned our relationship until she showed up.”

  “I wish it were true,” Cole said. “Whenever you launched a new product, I held my breath, expecting it to be the last time we shared your latest success. All the opportunities you’ve missed, the trips you had to postpone, and the invitations you’ve declined because I tied you down. I won’t spend the rest of my life waiting for the shoe to drop. My children will comfort me when our relationship is over.”

  “You have zero faith in my love,” I blurted. “You’re not some charity case I’ve taken on to feel good about myself. Don’t you realize how important you are to me? I need your love and support as much as you want mine.”

  “Initially, but things are different now.”

  “In what way?”

  “You’re mentally and physically in a much better place. You don’t need me anymore, I’m expendable.”

  “I do need you.”

  “Not really.”

  “Cole, I can’t envision a life without you.”

  “Unfortunately, I’ve been doing nothing else.”

  I scrambled to connect the dots, replaying the last year to try to understand, but I drew a blank. Tentatively, I asked, “Do you want me to leave?”

  “It’s probably a good idea.”

  There was a sharp pain in my chest. I presumed it was a panic attack until I realized it was my heart cracking into a million pieces. I lumbered toward the bedroom, hurt and bewildered.

  Cole lunged and grabbed hold of my waist, face flushed with the effort. I struggled to get away, but he was clinging to me. “Stop, please. Pretend we never had this conversation. Don’t go.”

  Uncertainty, anger, and frustration bled together in one catastrophic, gut-wrenching moment, and I threw him off roughly. “Get away from me.”

  “Can’t you understand where I’m coming from?”

  “No!”

  “Give me another chance to explain.”

  “You’re out of chances,” I blurted. “I don’t know when this all started, but you should have said something the moment you had any doubts, instead of springing this on me so suddenly. No matter what you say to the contrary, I know your parents have been feeding you a pack of lies about traditional families. They’re intent on destroying our relationship and using the latest advances in science to further their cause. This business with Noriko reeks of deception.”

  “I can’t deny that I want a family.”

  “A traditional one, from what I’m hearing. Why stay in a same-sex relationship when you have other options?”

  “But…I love you.”

  “You sure have a strange way of showing it.”

  “Please,” Cole said, arms flailing. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I know you’ve never cheated. We need to talk before you do anything rash.”

  I backed away from him, blindsided by his monumental waffling. I knew we’d never be The Brady Bunch, but I would have happily settled for Modern Family. After listening to his dour predictions, I questioned everything I’d held true over the last five years. His thoughtless words had obliterated my world, and I didn’t have the first clue how to rebuild it.

  “There’s nothing more you can say, Cole. You’ve made your feelings very clear.”

  “I mig
ht have been too hasty,” he pleaded. “Don’t go.”

  “I’ve got to get out of here.”

  “When will you be back?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Chapter 13

  I decided to hang out in Montauk instead of the studio to avoid gossip. Showing up with a carryall and no Cole would start a slanderous buzz a mile long. A few of the more notorious queens would take evil joy in knowing the perfect couple was having problems. We’d been a source of envy for a long time, and they would be happy to see our little bubble of love burst into fragments. I left a message on Max’s voice mail, letting him know I needed a few days off and where he could reach me in case of an emergency. Cole didn’t deserve the same courtesy.

  I’d taken the train and then a cab to my favorite home away from home. The cleaning service had already swept through the country house, leaving everything in perfect order. I dropped my things on the bench in the hallway and headed for the garage. The Jeep was parked in its usual spot, and the keys were dangling from the hook beside the door. Anyone who’d been Max’s houseguest in the past knew the car was community property.

  Years ago, when I was still in therapy for the cutting, I was advised to seek human contact or lose myself in an activity whenever I felt the need to hurt myself. I’d resisted the urge so far, but I knew that solitude was my enemy and could only lead to one thing, so I decided to go riding.

  Thinking about horses and nature lifted my spirits. I’d been in a terrible mood since leaving our apartment, pushing back thoughts of Cole and our conversation deep into my subconscious, but now the ugly truth was rising like mist over the harbor.

  How could he think I was so shallow? Did he actually believe I would cheat? Beautiful men from different parts of the world had been in and out of my life since the beginning of my modeling career, and I’d never looked twice. Max often teased me for being such a puritan, but there was a simpler explanation. There was no need to stray when I had everything I wanted at home. Cole’s insulting prophecy offended me like nothing in our recent history. He had absolutely no confidence in my staying power. Or was this a part of a malicious smear campaign to frighten him into thinking I would abandon him in the end?