The Attaché; or, Sam Slick in England — Complete
Page 18
CHAPTER III. ASCOT RACES.
To-day I visited Ascot. Race-courses are similar every where, andpresent the same objects; good horses, cruel riders, knowing men, dupes,jockeys, gamblers, and a large assemblage of mixed company. But thisis a gayer scene than most others; and every epithet, appropriate to acourse, diminutive or otherwise, must be in the superlative degree whenapplied to Ascot. This is the general, and often the only impressionthat most men carry away with them.
Mr. Slick, who regards these things practically, called my attention toanother view of it.
"Squire," said he, "I'd a plaguy sight sooner see Ascot than any thingelse to England. There ain't nothin' like it. I don't mean the racin',because they can't go ahead like us, if they was to die for it. We havecolts that can whip chain lightnin', on a pinch. Old Clay trotted withit once all round an orchard, and beat it his whole length, but itsinged his tail properly as he passed it, you may depend. It ain't itsrunnin' I speak of, therefore, though that ain't mean nother; but it'sgot another featur', that you'll know it by from all others. Oh it's aneverlastin' pity you warn't here, when I was to England last time. Queenwas there then; and where she is, of coarse all the world and its wifeis too. She warn't there this year, and it sarves folks right. If I wasan angelyferous queen, like her, I wouldn't go nowhere till I had atory minister, and then a feller that had a "trigger-eye" would standa chance to get a white hemp-neckcloth. I don't wonder Hume don't likeyoung England; for when that boy grows up, he'll teach some folks thatthey had better let some folks alone, or some folks had better take careof some folks' ampersands that's all.
"The time I speak of, people went in their carriages, and not byrailroad. Now, pr'aps you don't know, in fact you can't know, for youcan't cypher, colonists ain't no good at figurs, but if you did know,the way to judge of a nation is by its private carriages. From Hyde Parkcorner to Ascot Heath, is twenty odd miles. Well, there was one wholeendurin' stream of carriages all the way, sometimes havin' one or twoeddies, and where the toll-gates stood, havin' still water for ever sofar. Well, it flowed and flowed on for hours and hours without stoppin',like a river; and when you got up to the race-ground, there was thematter of two or three tiers of carriages, with the hosses off, packedas close as pins in a paper.
"It costs near hand to twelve hundred dollars a-year to keep up acarriage here. Now for goodness' sake jist multiply that everlastin'string of carriages by three hundred pounds each, and see what's spentin that way every year, and then multiply that by ten hundred thousandmore that's in other places to England you don't see, and then tell meif rich people here ain't as thick as huckleberries."
"Well, when you've done, go to France, to Belgium, and to Prussia, threesizeable places for Europe, and rake and scrape every private carriagethey've got, and they ain't no touch to what Ascot can show. Well, whenyou've done your cypherin', come right back to London, as hard as youcan clip from the race-course, and you won't miss any of 'em; the townis as full as ever, to your eyes. A knowin' old coon, bred and born toLondon, might, but you couldn't.
"Arter that's over, go and pitch the whole bilin' of 'em into theThames, hosses, carriages, people, and all; and next day, if it warn'tfor the black weepers and long faces of them that's lost money by it,and the black crape and happy faces of them that's got money, ortitles, or what not by it, you wouldn't know nothin' about it. Carriageswouldn't rise ten cents in the pound in the market. A stranger, likeyou, if you warn't told, wouldn't know nothin' was the matter abovecommon. There ain't nothin' to England shows its wealth like this.
"Says father to me when I came back, 'Sam,' sais he, 'what struck youmost?'
"'Ascot Races,' sais I.
"'Jist like you,' sais he. 'Hosses and galls is all you think of.Wherever they be, there you are, that's a fact. You're a chip of the oldblock, my boy. There ain't nothin' lake 'em; is there?'
"Well, he was half right, was father. It's worth seein' for hosses andgalls too; but it's worth seein' for its carriage wealth alone. Heavensand airth, what a rich country it must be that has such a show in thatline as England. Don't talk of stock, for it may fail; or silver-smiths'shops, for you can't tell what's plated; or jewels, for they may bepaste; or goods, for they may be worth only half nothin'; but talk ofthe carriages, them's the witnesses that don't lie.
"And what do they say? 'Calcutta keeps me, and China keeps me, andBot'ney Bay keeps me, and Canada keeps me, and Nova Scotia keeps me, andthe whales keep me, and the white bears keep me, and every thing on theairth keeps me, every thing under the airth keeps me. In short, all theworld keeps me.'"
"No, not all the world, Sam," said Mr. Hopewell; "there are somerepudiative States that _don't keep me_; and if you go to the auctionrooms, you'll see some beautiful carriages for sale, that say, 'theUnited States' Bank used to keep me,' and some more that say, 'NickBiddle put me down.'"
"Minister, I won't stand that," said Mr. Slick. "I won't stay here andhear you belittle Uncle Sam that way for nothin'. He ain't wuss thanJohn Bull, arter all. Ain't there no swindle-banks here? Jist tell methat. Don't our liners fetch over, every trip, fellers that cut and runfrom England, with their fobs filled with other men's money? Ain'tthere lords in this country that know how to "repudiate" as well asring-tail-roarers in ourn. So come now, don't throw stones till you putyour window-shutters to, or you may stand a smart chance of gettin' yourown glass broke, that's a fact.'
"And then, Squire, jist look at the carriages. I'll bet you a goose andtrimmin's you can't find their ditto nowhere. They _are_ carriages, andno mistake, that's a fact. Look at the hosses, the harness, the paint,the linin's, the well-dressed, lazy, idle, infarnal hansum servants,(these rascals, I suspicion, are picked out for their looks), look atthe whole thing all through the piece, take it, by and large, stock,lock, and barrel, and it's the dandy, that's a fact. Don't it costmoney, that's all? Sumtotalize it then, and see what it all comes to.It would make your hair stand on eend, I know. If it was all put intofigure, it would reach clean across the river; and if it was all putinto dollars, it would make a solid tire of silver, and hoop the worldround and round, like a wheel.
"If you want to give a man an idea of England, Squire, tell him ofAscot; and if you want to cram him, get old Multiplication-table Joe H--to cast it up; for he'll make it come to twice as much as it railly is,and that will choke him. Yes, Squire, _stick to Ascot_."