Snow Regrets

by M. A. Innes

  As Joe walked across the ceiling again, I sighed. Part of me wished I could just ask him what he’d meant, but with the distance between us, there was no way. If I couldn’t get him to talk about his current job, asking about his kinks was out of the question.

  Not to mention it would be kind of rude.

  But my sharing with him wouldn’t be rude…just weird if I’d misread the situation.

  Not that I thought that was likely.

  I might not have much of a social life, but I could read people.

  Joe might be doing his best to keep his book tightly closed, but there were little things that escaped. Like how he should have been pissed at me for invading his space and covering him up. He should’ve at least been frustrated that I touched his phone without his consent. He should have told me to mind my own business when I was trying to talk to him.

  I wasn’t sure what it all added up to, but I was confident that oversharing about my own personal life wouldn’t get me into any trouble with Joe.

  Would it freak him out? Quite possibly.

  If he’d internalized his father’s views on whatever he thought were perversions, I couldn’t be sure how he’d respond.

  Suddenly the whole situation made me wish I’d taken more psych classes.

  Emergency medicine was not the specialty to deal with this situation.

  Crossing the room, I stared up at the stairs and tried to decide what to do next. I knew better than to just wait him out. If he was anything like the Joe I used to know, he had a few candy bars hidden up there and enough books to keep him busy for several more days.

  I was going to have to lure him out.

  Grown-up stoic Joe who avoided dealing with me wasn’t the person I was going to tempt, though. No, I needed to get through to the kid inside that’d loved sitting with me and talking about the book he was reading or the movie he’d seen. That Joe wanted to have someone to share things with and to hear he wasn’t a pervert.

  That was the Joe I was looking for.

  But how?

  Heading back into the kitchen, I started searching through the pantry. I’d made the mistake of going to the store hungry, so on top of the staples I’d known I would need, I’d also ended up with more than enough random food to find something fun to make for Joe.

  Bingo.

  Brownies.

  I couldn’t even remember putting them in the cart, but somehow I’d ended up with a box mix as well as several other weird items. No more shopping hungry for me or I’d end up rolling to my new job. But since my goal was to tempt Joe, I wouldn’t be eating them all.

  Joe had always loved chocolate as a kid, so the promise of brownies and a movie would get his attention, even if all he did was grumble.

  I’d take complaints as long as he was talking to me.

  The brownies were simple to put together and soon the cabin was beginning to fill with the smell of chocolate. I knew it wouldn’t be long before it would start driving him crazy upstairs, so as the brownies cooled on the counter, I went to look at the movies I’d brought.

  Knowing the cabin didn’t have much access to TV or even the internet because no one lived in it year-round, I’d made sure I had a few series and some movies before I’d come up. Sorting through my options, I smiled. I had just the thing.

  As the opening to the first Star Wars movie began to play, I set a plate of brownies on the coffee table. They were still warm and a bit gooey, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t be an issue for Joe. Before more than a minute or two had passed, I heard footsteps inching down the stairs.

  I wanted to smile, but I kept my face blank as he finally made his way toward the bottom. “There’s too many here for me to eat unless you want me too fat to drive down the mountain later this week. Have some.”

  I was trying to make it clear that nothing had changed. I’d leave in a few days if that was still what he wanted, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try to get him to open up in the meantime.

  Joe inched closer, finally coming to sit on the opposite end of the couch. He perched just on the edge like he was ready to leave at any second. He’d always been more of an introvert at heart, but when had he gotten so skittish? Was it me or something that had happened over the last few years?

  “Thanks.” He tentatively reached out and picked up one of the brownies carefully, smiling to himself without even seeming to realize it.

  As he started to eat, he sat back, curling into the side of the couch. This had been his favorite movie as a kid. Something about the story had captured his imagination even though there’d been new, more high-tech movies he could have obsessed over. I’d heard how awesome this movie was so many times I could probably quote his favorite parts.

  Seeing him relax had me feeling more at ease, so I settled in to enjoy it. I might not be able to talk to him while it was on, but sitting there with him was a long way from the cold shoulder he’d given me earlier. It felt like a good first step even though there were still so many things I was in the dark about.

  Time passed quickly as the movie played, but it didn’t take long for Joe to start getting cold again. The cabin wasn’t that chilly, but he’d never run hot, so I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and tossed it over him. He jumped, but then looked down and nodded. “Thanks.”

  Again, it wasn’t much, but it was a start.

  As the movie played, he had two more brownies while he was curled up under the blanket. I could almost see the ghost of the kid he used to be sitting there instead of the man he’d grown into. It was still a bit odd seeing him as an adult, but it wasn’t as hard as it should have been.

  “What?” Joe turned to give me an odd look. “You’re staring at me.”

  “Sorry.” I shrugged.

  I didn’t feel bad about looking at him, but it was a good opening to start changing the narrative. “I just can’t believe how much you’ve grown up. You were such a funny almost-teenager the last time I saw you and now you’re a man. It’s weird.”

  Joe huffed, but I could see a faint blush on his cheeks as he turned back to the movie. “You’re insane. Everyone grows up.”

  “You weren’t supposed to. You were supposed to stay shy little Joe forever.” I grinned as he snorted.

  “I got taller…and it’s Joseph now.” He paused, swallowing as he stared pointedly at the TV like making eye contact would be painful. “My friends call me Joseph.”

  It wasn’t a big opening, but it felt like I’d just won the Superbowl.

  “Well, Joseph. I think you’ve grown to be a fine man.” He glanced over and I could see a question on his face.

  Was I joking?

  No.

  No matter what had happened or what he’d done, nothing would ever convince me that he wasn’t doing his very best to be the most upstanding man he could be. That was just who he was…smart, sweet, earnest, shy…but at the core, he’d always been a good person just looking for someone who understood him.

  And that someone had always been me.

  Chapter 4

  Joseph

  I’d been caught like an animal in a trap, but how was I supposed to resist brownies and Star Wars? He just knew me too well, damn it.

  When I’d walked down I’d been prepared for an interrogation, but he’d lured me in with food and my favorite movie, waiting until my guard was lowered to talk to me. But even then it hadn’t gone like I’d expected.

  He hadn’t charged in or asked questions. He’d just smiled and told me I’d grown up to be a fine man. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but every time he opened his mouth he said something nicer than the last comment.

  It was Twilight Zone level weird.

  “Thanks.” I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  It would have been easier if he’d been sarcastic or teasing. I had comebacks and ways to blow off that shit. But actually being nice? That was more difficult to handle.

  With the movie playing, it was easy to push my confused emotions to the ba
ck of my head. I’d become a pro at ignoring things. That was the safest way to handle most awkward problems. Real problems like sleeping in my car and how to make enough to eat and pay lawyers were easier to tackle headfirst.

  Those were problems I could solve without having to question my sanity or the past.

  And I’d done a damned good job of turning my world around.

  Yes, I had a way to go. Just seeing Forest in my living room when the cabin was supposed to be mine said there were a few issues I needed to confront, but I could do it. A bit more work and a few calls to the lawyer and I’d be back on track with the asshole.

  He just needed to see that the pervert he’d pushed out of the house had some balls left and he’d back down for a while. Playing these games with him was not how I wanted to spend my money, but I could handle it.

  It was Forest I wasn’t sure how to handle.

  Thankfully, he seemed content to let the conversation die down as the movie continued.

  Well, he was content until I grabbed another brownie. “Are you going to give yourself a stomachache?”

  I felt like a kid again, squirming because he’d caught me sneaking treats.

  “No.” But I quickly pulled the brownie toward me so he couldn’t make me put it down.

  Forest nodded but didn’t seem pleased. “Let me get you a drink.”

  I could see he thought those two sentences went together, but I had a feeling he’d done most of the mental debating in his head. But I didn’t care what was running through his mind as long he didn’t take the brownies away. There were two more on the plate and he didn’t seem to be in a hurry to have any more, so I was pretty sure they would be mine too as long as I played my cards right.

  It’d been ages since I had brownies.

  One of the ladies at work brought in desserts once in a while, but nothing like that was on my grocery list because even when they were cheap they were a complete waste of money. Every cent counted because I wasn’t going to die of some weird disease just because I’d only bought crap at the grocery store.

  No, I was going to live a long life just to fuck with the asshole’s head on a regular basis.

  When Forest came back in, I had no idea what to think.

  Milk.

  Did most grown-ups drink milk with brownies?

  Did he still think I was a kid or was it just something he’d done automatically?

  I wasn’t willing to ask, so I nodded as he handed me the glass. “Thanks.”

  The milk cut through the chocolate and was a good idea since the brownies were so rich, but since he’d come back with a cup of coffee for himself, I wasn’t sure what that said about how he saw me.

  Was I a child in his eyes?

  Was it a subtle way of making fun of me?

  He’d said I’d grown up into a fine man and that seemed to indicate he saw me as an adult. But would he have brought milk to someone he saw as an equal without asking? I mean, it wasn’t like we’d been hanging around eating Oreos.

  I was going to look insane if I kept questioning every glance he gave me.

  I’d already known it would be a long few days before he could leave, but I was starting to think I’d underestimated how difficult it would be. The second-guessing was going to give me an ulcer by the time I had the cabin to myself again. Every time I thought about it, my peaceful vacation started to get more and more anxiety-ridden.

  Drinking my milk and finishing up the last of the brownie I’d grabbed, I pushed everything back and tried to focus on the movie again. It was easy to get lost in the story, so I almost jumped when Forest took the empty glass from me and set it on the table.

  “Thank you.”

  I said it automatically, but he rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “You’re welcome.”

  There was nothing sexual in his touch, but I could feel it radiate through me. All I wanted to do was to lean into him, but that just wasn’t possible. Not only would it make me look like a kid—something I really didn’t need—but he was gay.

  I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. If I thought it was awkward now, I could only imagine how weird it would get if he thought I was coming on to him.

  No, that was the last thing I needed.

  There was no telling what he would think of that, and I didn’t need to give him anything else to go back and talk to my father about. I wasn’t so delusional I thought he wasn’t going to confront the asshole. Setting him up by giving him the cabin during the time I would be up here wasn’t something Forest would ignore.

  I’d never seen him confront the asshole before, but I’d heard the asshole bitch enough that I knew Forest usually made his feelings known when there was a problem. I’d heard for years about how he’d gotten a promotion that the asshole had wanted.

  But everyone had loved Forest.

  There was no way the asshole would get a promotion if Forest had wanted it. I could still remember all the nice things people would say every time the asshole tried to slide in something negative into a conversation.

  Being ignored as a kid had some benefits.

  The top being the ability to eavesdrop.

  Forest’s hand started kneading my shoulder. “Relax, watch the movie. Whatever you’re stressing about can wait.”

  He knew me too well.

  “I’m fine.”

  He snorted. “Right.”

  I could see him out of the corner of my eye and he was looking at the movie, but his hand kept digging into the muscles around my neck. “This is supposed to be fun and relaxing. You’re on vacation. No worries.”

  That was easy for him to say.

  “I’m relaxed.”

  He gave a dry laugh. “And I’m Santa.”

  “I don’t remember you being this much of a turkey when I was a kid.” I had to fight the urge to smile as he laughed.

  “You’re not a kid any longer.” He ran his hand over my head before he moved it back to my shoulder. “I can be sarcastic now. Besides, you didn’t hide things from me when you were a kid, so I need better tactics now.”

  It was my turn to scoff. “I hid things.”

  “From other people, maybe.” There was utter confidence in his voice. “Never from me. Sure, there were some things we didn’t talk about, but you wouldn’t have lied if we’d talked about that kind of stuff. That wasn’t how our relationship worked.”

  Because he’d been the only grown-up I’d known who would really listen.

  He’d never acted like I was wasting his time when I rambled on about Star Wars and books and school. He’d just taken it all in and had remembered everything. Even if it was weeks between his visits to the house, he’d ask about how the book ended or would comment on something else we’d talked about.

  I’d mattered to him.

  “I’d been planning on telling you I was gay, but you left before I got up the nerve.” I didn’t know why I admitted that, but the words popped out before I could stop them.

  Focusing on the TV like the movie would jump out of the screen at any moment, I missed his reaction, but when his hand squeezed again, I knew he wasn’t bothered by it. “I would’ve been very proud of you.”

  There was something in his voice, a tenderness that gave me the courage to glance over.

  He was smiling, but there was a sadness in his eyes I hadn’t expected. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. There was just so much going on in my life at that point that I had to make a change. I didn’t realize how strained things were at home, and even now, I’m not sure how we could’ve kept in contact without someone thinking it was wrong.”

  I shrugged but found myself leaning into his touch. “I know…and thanks.”

  I’d known he was unhappy even if as a kid I couldn’t understand why, but that hadn’t helped push away the feeling of being abandoned. I was just a kid he’d talked to occasionally. I hadn’t been his responsibility, but he hadn’t understood how much I’d needed our conversations.

  “Why did you
leave?” The question didn’t matter anymore, but I couldn’t hold it back.

  He sighed, leaning back into the couch. “I was so restless at that point. I’d been seeing a guy for a long time and he was in the closet about a lot of things.”

  There were a long few seconds of silence as the movie played in the background, but I couldn’t look away from him. When he finally started to speak again, it was like I was seeing another side of him. “He’d been deep in the closet and wasn’t ready to come out. I wasn’t upset, and in a way, it made it easier for me because I didn’t have to talk about my relationship or my sexuality. I wasn’t hiding who I was, but it let me focus on work and just ignore everything else.”

  He let out a low chuckle, but it sounded dry and rough. “Everything else was the kinks and things I wanted to explore more, but I knew we didn’t see them the same way. At the time he was important to me, but even then I knew there were big holes in our relationship.”

  He’d blown my mind with one sentence.

  Kink?

  Forest went on like he had no idea my brain was whirling. “He saw things in very black and white terms, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for him, kink was interesting but not something that was a big part of a relationship.”

  Forest sighed. “I didn’t see it that way, but it let me keep putting those things in the back of my mind and not looking at them. When he got a job offer and moved, I finally started looking at myself and tried to decide what would really make me happy.”

  Little things snapped into place. “You were sad for a while right before you took the new job. Was that because of him?”

  Forest shrugged. “A bit, but mostly I was just a little lost. I needed to take the time to find myself and to look at the things I’d been ignoring.”

  There were so many questions just hanging between us, but I didn’t know how to ask any of them or if they were even my business. He’d kind of been my friend back then, but now we were basically acquaintances.

  Asking a casual friend about their sexual preferences just wasn’t something I would do.