Snow Regrets

by M. A. Innes

  As long as I could keep it hidden from Joseph.

  That wasn’t going to be easy, though. But as I made small talk with the clerk who checked me out, I worked on a plan. When I was done, I headed to the car and proceeded to rearrange everything the clerk had packed.

  A few treats joined the toys and decorations in the back of the car, and the rest of my loot went into the back seat. I was hoping I could get the groceries inside without Joseph questioning why they weren’t in the trunk, but at the very least I knew I could claim to have stuff back there.

  As I got home, the sun was starting to go down. It gave the whole area a magical look, but it made it feel like it was a lot later at night than it really was. That was the only downside about the wintery wonderland.

  If work wasn’t an option, I’d be happy to stay up there forever. I had a feeling it would be beautiful on long summer nights too. I must have dawdled on the porch longer than I’d realized because Joseph’s head popped out of the cabin. “You’re going to freeze.”

  “Just looking at how beautiful it is.” As I walked in, I kissed him gently. “Okay, we’re all set if we get another storm because I have brownies.”

  His smile widened as he giggled, stealing the bag that clearly had goodies in it. “Yes, all set for the snowpocalypse now.”

  I wouldn’t say that, but for a bit of snow, we’d be fine.

  In minutes all that was left was the bag with the bottle and binkie in it. Joseph seemed to be giving it a wide berth, so it was clear he’d figured out what was in the bag. As he put the last box of brownie mix away with some visible regret that he couldn’t have it now, I wrapped my arms around him.

  “I have a few surprises for you.”

  He blinked up at me and made a clear decision to steer the topic in a different direction. Smiling brightly, he looked at the pantry. “I can have the brownies now?”

  One day he might actually figure out how to hide his emotions.

  “No, but good guess.” I grinned when he huffed and curled into me. “I thought you might want to try a binkie or bottle tonight when I tuck you in.”

  He gave me a little shrug but found a way to talk around them instead of addressing it head-on. “I get to sleep with you, right?”

  “Yes.” Kissing his head, I ran my hand down his back and held him tight. “I thought you might like a bubble bath. I’ll get you all clean and you can play. Then we’ll cuddle and I’ll tuck you into the big bed with Daddy and give you a bottle.”

  I wasn’t going to ask what he thought directly. That would give him too easy an out, but if he safeworded I’d back up and we’d talk about it. They were all items on the list of things he was curious about or was fine with, but my best guess was that something about the bottle or binkie made him feel vulnerable.

  “But first we need to make dinner and I need to show you the other special surprises I got for you.” A promise of another treat had him growing still. When he looked up again, I could see the curiosity building.

  “Something to eat?” He glanced over at the bag now that it might be more interesting.

  “No. Something cuddly and something cute.” I kissed his forehead and smiled as he turned to get a better look.

  “Cuddly?” Turning in my arms, he grabbed my hand and dragged me over to the bag. I wasn’t sure if he would just dive in or not, but he waited patiently for me to give permission before he peeked in the dark gray plastic bag and saw the first gift.

  “Ooh.” The little stuffed snowman wasn’t quite as ugly as ours, but it was a close second. That just made it more perfect, though. “Daddy, it’s just like ours.”

  As he oohed and aahed over the ugly toy, I pulled out more briefs which made Joseph blush and smile. Finding the right size hadn’t been easy because I had to go back and forth between the boy and adult section to make sure they would be tight but still fit.

  Focusing back on his snowman, I smiled. Yeah, he was just like ours, crooked face and all. “He looked like your snowman outside, so I thought he could use a good home.”

  Joseph looked up with a big smile. “He’s beautiful.”

  Well, beauty was in the eye of the beholder.

  “I’m glad you like him.” The stuffie was just big enough that he’d be perfect to cuddle. With the way Joseph loved blankets and pillows, I was fairly sure we’d be collecting a lot of snuggly things in the future. “He might need more friends, so we’ll keep an eye out for them when we get back to civilization.”

  Some of the little faded from his eyes.

  Whatever he was worrying about had him curling into me with his ugly snowman in his arms. “I got a little over two weeks of vacation days because with Christmas and New Year being free holidays, that gave me the most days with my leave time.”

  “That’s a good idea.” I kissed his head, stroking his arms. “That way you got to use the cabin for the longest time possible with the least days.”

  He nodded, slowly starting to relax again. “What are you going to do when I go back? I know you’re still figuring things out, so—”

  I cleared my throat, cutting him off. I looked down at him in a huffy, clearly overly dramatic way that probably put me in the running for a soap opera audition. “Well, if you don’t want your Daddy to come stay with you, I guess I could get a hotel somewhere.”

  When he giggled, I gave him a teasing smile. “Does that mean you’re willing to give a technically homeless Daddy a hand?”

  He rolled his eyes. “You can’t be homeless when you probably have more in your checking account than I make in a year. That’s like a vacation you didn’t plan very well for.”

  Laughing, I nodded. “Okay, brat. If that’s what you think of your Daddy.”

  If it was too soon to talk about love, it was probably too soon to talk about money, but I knew at some point we’d have to sit down and talk about that too. If he wanted to go back to school or figure out another plan in life, that’s what we would do.

  And those legal bills were going to disappear too.

  “That checking account will keep you in brownies and stuffed animals for a very long time, so don’t complain.” He wasn’t wrong, though. I’d saved very well over the years. “It doesn’t bother you, does it?”

  Between the age difference and the other things like income and education, if those things dug into him then we’d have a problem at some point. Joseph looked up at me and shook his head. “No, it’s kind of like the age thing. Cool but not that important.”

  I chuckled. “Cool? How is my age cool?”

  He blushed and cuddled close again. “Because you’ve got that sexy Daddy vibe going. You know how hot you are. It wouldn’t matter if you were younger, but I’m glad you’re not. The money’s like that. I’m glad you’re not stupid poor too because that would just make things harder, but even if it was gone tomorrow, it wouldn’t change how I thought about you.”

  “I like how you see things.” I reached under his chin and tilted his head up so I could kiss his lips. “You are a very special man. You know that, don’t you?”

  He smiled, not willing to commit to it, but he leaned into my hand and kissed my fingers sweetly. “You make me feel special.”

  At that moment, I knew without a doubt that I was going to spend the rest of my life showing him exactly how special he was.

  He just didn’t realize it yet.

  Chapter 18

  Joseph

  Cookies weren’t quite as good as brownies, but I got to dunk them in milk, so it was fun.

  As Daddy finished cleaning up the last of the dishes, I danced my snowman around the table. Daddy was right, he was going to need friends. The big question was snow friends or real animal friends. Would he be upset to be the only magical creature? Maybe he wanted to hang out with others like him?

  We could probably find him—

  “Are you ready?”

  Daddy’s question had me deciding to ask him. “Do you think my snowman needs real animal stuffies as friend
s or more magical ones like he is?”

  Daddy cocked his head, studying my cuddly snowman.

  “I think he needs both. Some regular animal friends because they might end up being great to hang out with and some magical ones so he doesn’t forget how special he is.” Then Daddy leaned in and kissed my nose. “Let’s get you a bath. It’s getting late.”

  Daddy said he’d gotten distracted playing with me and had started dinner too late, but I thought our adventure to save the world was much more important than chicken. Daddy said we were going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

  He was silly.

  He was also going to make me talk about the binkie and the bottle.

  When I nodded and picked my snowman off the table, Daddy stood and opened the bag that had been sitting there like a very embarrassing bomb. I could feel my little side start to retreat in the face of the conversation, but I clung to it, keeping some of the simpler emotions to wrap around me like a blanket.

  Daddy carefully washed the binkie and bottle before setting the bottle on the counter to dry. As he came back over with the binkie, he smiled. “I think I want to look for some new pajamas for you when we get back to a real town. We might have to order them online, but I want some pjs just for when you’re little.”

  Nodding, I focused on that. “Like Star Wars?”

  He chuckled. “Yes, or maybe the zip-up ones like we talked about before.”

  That would be fun. “Red ones.”

  Daddy smiled even wider. “Red ones it is.”

  When he took my hand and led me out of the kitchen, I thought we were going to head right upstairs, but he made a detour to the couch. He sat down, tugging me onto his lap so I could curl into him. If he really wanted to talk, this was probably the best way to do it. It was like Winnie the Pooh’s thinking spot, but better, because Daddy was with me.

  And this way I wouldn’t have to look at his face.

  He was patient as I wiggled and found the perfect place on his neck to hide my face in. Daddy just stroked my back and legs, probably waiting for me to wear myself out. He was smart because eventually even I had to stop squirming and just relax.

  “I would like you to tell me about the binkie.” There was no stress in his voice, just calm curiosity. “What do you think of when you look at it?”

  Daddy rolled the binkie around in his hand, making no effort to hide it or to make me touch it. So, of course, I had to touch it. I wasn’t afraid of it and I didn’t want him to think I was. Picking it up, I caressed the soft plastic.

  “It’s not quite big enough, but I think it should work fine.” He probably thought talking about the practical side would make easing into the discussion easier, but I wasn’t going to wuss out.

  He was Daddy.

  Nothing I said would change how he saw me.

  “It will. I had one a long time ago.” As I started to talk, his hand stroked over my head and I felt him press a kiss to the area he’d just caressed.

  The familiar, innocent gesture had something deep in me relaxing. “I got it from a pharmacy by my high school. You can buy all kinds of stuff from regular stores as long as you roll your eyes and say how easily kids lose things or complain about having to run errands. No one questions an asshole teenager.”

  Daddy’s chest jerked up and down as he quietly laughed. “Even I probably wouldn’t. A young man looking nervous or embarrassed would catch my eye more.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I picked that up from a guy I followed online.”

  “It’s smart.” Daddy kissed my head again and waited.

  “I got a bottle too later, but I started with the binkie because that was easier to hide.” And for some reason, I’d thought it would be easier to explain a random binkie than a bottle. That seemed stupid now, but teenage logic was an interesting thing.

  Daddy chuckled again. “It’s smaller, so I can see that.”

  He was probably expecting more random information because he actually asked a real question next. “What did you think of it?”

  I let out my breath slowly and focused on the way his arms felt and how he’d looked at me when he’d made love to me yesterday. With that image firmly in my mind, I forced my muscles to relax. “I liked it. I used it a lot when no one was home and I was…figuring things out.”

  That wasn’t technically a euphemism for jerking off, but yeah, most of the time that’d been the end result of my internet searches and fantasies. “I’d play around online and read blogs, then I’d watch videos and then…you know…but I had the binkie in…and after a while when I looked at the binkie I got…”

  Fucking Pavlovian responses.

  Brains were fucked-up creatures.

  Daddy made a sound like the lightbulb had just gone off. “So you become aroused with the binkie; it’s not soothing.”

  I snorted. “Well, it depends on your definition of soothing.”

  That made Daddy laugh, but it was a happy sound that made me feel lighter. When he kissed my head again I was smiling even though I was still a little embarrassed about admitting it. As he hugged me tight, I could feel him relaxing. Had he been worried about what I would say? Daddy didn’t like it when I worried, but I didn’t realize that it could be just as stressful for him, only for different reasons.

  “Would you prefer that we just use the binkies and bottles for more kink type play and not use them for when you’re actually little or do you not want to use them at all?” The casual tone to his voice made it sound like he didn’t care one way or the other.

  I forced myself to ask the question that was rolling around in my head. “What do you mean kink type play?”

  I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I wanted to make sure I was right before I agreed to anything. Daddy kissed my head again and settled back, sliding into his lecture mode. He’d done it for as long as I could remember and it was one of those things that made me realize how long I’d really known him.

  “There are going to be countless different ways to explain this, but what I meant was, sometimes people use the Daddy and boy terms in more of a fun, sexual way and it’s not really focused on age play.” I knew we needed to talk about it, but I couldn’t help the way my face heated. I had to fight not to wiggle and hide against him.

  Daddy must’ve realized I was uncomfortable, but thankfully, he didn’t draw attention to it. “For the past few days, when you were little, it wasn’t sexual. Yes, erections can happen, but the point wasn’t to turn you on.”

  I almost snorted as I started to laugh.

  Erections happen.

  Yep, that pretty much described my life when it came to kinks and thinking about Daddies…especially my Daddy.

  “Naughty boy.” Daddy was trying not to laugh too, but I wasn’t sure if he realized what was so funny. “What if we were to have playtime where you weren’t really little, but it was more about me turning you on and teasing you? I could still be Daddy, but it would be more about the kink and less about the caretaking side of things that we’ve explored before.”

  So I’d have kinky Daddy and caring Daddy?

  Sex was so weird when you actually thought about it.

  Since hiding under the couch wasn’t really an option, I nodded and tried to find the functional side of my brain that might not be as embarrassed about this conversation. He was stuck somewhere at the back near the grown-up portion that tried to remind me to eat less junk.

  Giving up on him, I took another deep breath. “I like that, but there’s something else.”

  I hated hated hated this part.

  Why did every new part of being little or being his boy have to go back to the asshole?

  Not willing to surprise him with some weird reaction, I forced out the words. “When my father overheard the video and everything went sideways, I had the binkie in my mouth. That’s the last time I’ve used one. It’s the last time I’ve used anything like that.”

  I’d never had very much stuff associated with the lifestyle, but the
few things I’d managed to talk myself into, like the binkie, went into the trash that day. Until Forest, I hadn’t touched anything like it.

  The closest I’d come to anything little was when I’d watch cartoons and tell myself it was because there was nothing else on. I’d kept saying that one day when I was really settled I’d buy them again, but it was always easy to keep putting it off.

  Daddy’s hand cupped my face and he moved my head so he could see my eyes. His expression was warm, but I could see how serious this was to him. “You know you can trust me, right?”

  There was no doubt about that.

  “Yes, Daddy.” I turned my head to kiss his palm. “I know.”

  He made a low groan and hugged me again. “I won’t make you try it, but I think you’re ready to take back this side of your sexuality.”

  I might have sighed and curled back into him with that statement.

  He chuckled. “My drama queen.”

  Huffing, I shrugged. “You like me that way.”

  “You’re right, baby.” I felt him kiss my head again and it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. “We’re just going to hang out right here until you figure out what you want to do.”

  No pressure.

  But he’d wait until we were both ancient before he backed down.

  I knew he’d accept whatever I decided, but it didn’t make it any easier. “Can’t you just decide?”

  Daddy snorted. “No, this has to be you. I don’t want you to think I forced the choice.”

  “But isn’t that what Daddies do?” I was pretty sure I was right about this one.

  “Sometimes, but others know they need to give their boys room to grow.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to grow. That sounds painful.”

  Daddy chuckled again, but I could hear the stubbornness in his voice. “I’ll be there to make sure it’s not too hard.”

  Damn it, why did he have to be such a good guy?

  Daddy’s hand moved to cup mine as I held the binkie. He stroked over my fingers and the binkie. “I bet you used to think about sucking other things when you had your binkie in your mouth.”