Chapter Fourteen
Lancey hadn’t come to the decision to be blunt with Finn easily. He was saying all the things she wanted to hear, all the things she wanted to believe were what would make them both happy, but she knew better than to believe that a man who’d learned he couldn’t go back to what he loved could, in the space of a day, realize that she was the answer.
She wanted to believe it, but she didn’t.
Her mom’s spirit had told her to trust herself and that was what she was doing. Finn needed to figure out who he was before he could say things like that to her.
“I like you. I’m not imagining you’re going to be someone else and that’s how we’ll make this work. Or that we’ll have some sort of idealized life. I know you. You’re stubborn and feisty and won’t hesitate to tell me if I’m being a brat,” he pleaded.
“See?” she said. “That is me. I know that when we were on the road trip…it was fun. I enjoyed every second of it. But we were focused, and we had a goal in mind. Now that we are back here, you’ll see other people. You still have to figure out if you are going back to NASCAR or do something else. I don’t want you to make an offer out of desperation because you don’t think you have any other options.”
He shook his head and put his hands on the table and pushed his chair. “What are you saying?”
“Just that…” There were no words she could find that would make this sound less harsh. “I don’t want you to settle for me.”
He stood up and walked a few feet away from the table. He braced his hands on the wooden railing and leaned forward. She just watched him, feeling his pain but knowing she’d done the right thing.
Didn’t he know that she wanted to say yes to whatever he offered? Didn’t he realize how tempting that all sounded? Did he know that she was only trying to protect him? She could only guess that he didn’t.
She saw the waiter come out, so she put her hand up to gesture that they weren’t yet ready, then walked over to where Finn stood. She put her hand between his shoulder blades, feeling the heat of him. He was sweating.
She leaned her head against his shoulder and stood there next to him, watching the water flowing lazily by and hearing the rustle of the wind through the trees.
He turned his head toward her.
“Why don’t you believe me?” he asked.
She put her hand on his cheek. “I do believe you. Right now, you and me make sense in your life. But there will come a time when we don’t, when you wake up one morning and realize that you settled for the first thing you saw instead of waiting for the right thing. I’m not saying we aren’t the right thing, but you’ll never know if you just jump into this.”
“I don’t know any other way. I’m not one of those people who needs lots of time to make up my mind. I’m not running to you because I’m afraid to face the future alone, Lancey. I’m running to you because when I’m with you, I make sense,” he said.
She felt a chill go down her spine. He wanted her to be his everything. He was asking her to take a risk and go all in with him. But she couldn’t do it. The thought made her panic. She was used to be alone. Even with Lane, she knew there were other options. He had his uncles, he had Amelia, he had the Corbyns. He had a lot of people he could lean on other than her.
She needed that. She needed to be unfettered. And until this moment, when she was standing next to Finn, she hadn’t realized that she needed to be self-reliant.
She didn’t want to let herself believe that someone would stay. She knew they wouldn’t. Everyone she loved had left her, and she got it. Death wasn’t an easy thing to turn away from. But she’d always realized that she was okay because she’d kept a part of herself safe and secure, locked away deep inside. There was no way she could do that with Finn.
So, she’d been telling him that she wasn’t sure he was making a choice based on what he needed, but really, she knew that his choice wasn’t what she wanted. If he made her his life, if she started to believe in it, in them and him, then something happened… How would she go on?
She wasn’t borrowing trouble or seeing disaster where there wasn’t any. She was too practical for that. She knew herself and her choices were clear. If she let Finn make her his life, she’d lose herself. Because the only thing she knew was her own path. If she joined hers with his… What would she be?
“I can’t,” she said at last.
“You can’t?”
“Yes. I don’t want that. I like things the way they are between us. We’re supposed to be dating, not talking about forever.”
“Dating?”
“Yes. Finn, that’s what we agreed to.”
“I want more from you, darling. I think I’ve known that from the beginning. That’s why I took off that morning. Because it scared me to realize that you made me want to stay. I didn’t understand that I had nothing to be afraid of.”
She shook her head and backed away from him. She wished she could believe him but he’d left her to go back to NASCAR and then he’d lost driving. Her own fear was taking over now. “I’m sorry. But I can’t.”
*
Can’t. It wasn’t a word that he’d heard often or that he wanted to deal with now. Normally he would have gotten angry, but he saw how scared Lancey was. The MP, who’d handled anything that the military could throw at her, was terrified. This woman who was so tough and strong didn’t want to take a chance on…him.
Or was it love? He didn’t know for sure. Had been afraid to tell her how he felt because the last thing he’d wanted to do was be that vulnerable to her. To add another variable into the mix. He should just tell her how he felt and see if that worked. But a part of him wanted her to trust him before he revealed himself. Because he had heard those words from women before, but for the wrong reasons.
But not saying the words to her didn’t change what he felt in his heart. When he’d stood in his empty house, he’d realized that the only things that would make it a home were her and Lane. He’d built it for one thing, but its true purpose was to house his family. He’d never seen himself as a family man. That was for old fogies like Jasper Corbyn, who was forever flashing pictures of his wife and daughters and regaling everyone with stories about them.
That wasn’t Finn…until now. He realized that he wanted that happy little family they’d become on the road to be real. He wanted to have Lancey by his side with Lane, and maybe add a few kids of their own. And he’d never thought about having kids before. He had always thought he wouldn’t have the time and he knew how a bad father could screw a kid up.
“You know I have a great big four-thousand-square-foot house on the Delaney ranch that’s empty year round?” he asked her.
“What does that have to do with anything?” she asked. “I have an eighteen-hundred-square-foot home that’s in the middle of town.”
“I know you do. And it’s full of love and family and memories. You walk through your house and you can see your mom and TJ and your gran. Lane is going to grow up surrounded by that Maverick history and legacy.”
“He is,” she said. “What’s your point?”
“I thought that by being number one, by driving fast and winning races, I’d create a legacy that would black out the fact that my dad wasn’t exactly the greatest and that my mom was gone. That I’d create a new version of Finn Delaney. So, I built myself a big house away from the old memories, and created a life. The life of a winner,” he said. “But today, when I was standing in that big house alone, I realized that I didn’t feel like that. All the races in the world weren’t enough to fill that big empty house, darling. I know how it looks. My timing isn’t the best, but this isn’t a Texas hailstorm that’s over in a minute.”
He’d stood there alone and realized that he was that way because he’d never been sure enough of himself to reach out and hold on to anything but driving. It was the way he’d always used to navigate out of tricky situations and into the lifestyle he liked, where everything was a big blur on the sideline
s. But with Lancey and Lane, he wanted to slow down and enjoy the scenery.
“How can you be sure?” she asked. “I’m not trying to shove you away, Finn. But I’ve been trying to grapple with this since April, and I’m just now starting to have some idea of what’s next. How are you making a decision this quickly?”
“It’s what I do. I react to changes in the blink of an eye and it’s not racing that gave that to me. I’ve always been that way.”
“That’s part of what makes me think you’re not really considering all the factors. You’re not used to standing still. And as much as I love Last Stand and this tiny community, it’s not fast. It’s not going to be exciting or give an adrenaline junky like you what you need to get to your fix.”
He stared at her. How had he never made her see that she was all the fix he needed? That with her, he understood what he’d been missing all these years? She was the only thing that he needed to ground him, ever.
“There isn’t anything I can say that will convince you. I’m willing to give it as much time as you think I need. But believe me when I say this, darling, I’m not going anywhere without you.”
She chewed her lower lip, watching him with those wide eyes of hers, as if trying to figure out if it was safe to believe him or not. He wasn’t sure what he could do to convince her.
“I need some time.”
“Okay, Lancey. I’m willing to give you all the time you need to figure out that I’m not just using you to fill the emptiness,” he said. There was no way his feelings were going to change. “We can just do what we planned to do.”
She scrunched her brow and seemed to be glaring at him in a way he’d never seen her do before. “Why? Why would you do that?”
He took a deep breath and remembered the times he’d won races when no one had expected him to. He hadn’t followed a path that had worked for anyone else. And with Lancey, nothing that he’d tried before would work. He could only give her the truth and hope that brought her around to his way of thinking.
“Because I love you.”
*
He loved her?
He loved her!
She almost threw herself into his arms, but she reminded herself that he was vulnerable. That love took time…but did it? She was a tortoise compared to Finn, and even she had realized that she was in love. It was that feeling of euphoria she’d gotten every time he looked at her. Or how she’d wanted to indulge him when he’d sought different ways to lengthen their trip and their time together. She had wanted nothing more than to spend time with him.
But she’d been afraid, afraid that once he got back here, he’d start to realize that this wasn’t the life he wanted. She’d never doubted herself. She knew she was his equal in this relationship, but she’d been worried sick that life in Last Stand wasn’t enough for him. In fact, she still was.
“Oh, Finn,” she said. “I love you, too.”
“Then what’s the problem? I thought all women needed—”
“Don’t. Don’t lump me together with anyone else you’ve ever been with. I’m not someone who says those words lightly. I love you, Finn. But it hasn’t made me blind to the person you are,” she said.
“I’m glad. I’ve never tried to fool you into thinking I’m something I’m not,” he admitted. “But I think you know me as a man of my word.”
She did.
She wanted to believe him. She did believe him. She had no problem thinking that he was in love with her right now, while his career was up in the air and no one knew what was going to happen next.
But six months down the road? Who knew? And she wasn’t like Finn. She was sure. She had found her spot here in Last Stand and she didn’t want to start loving him and needing him only to see him race away when he was well again.
“You never told me about your diagnosis and why you were benched,” she said.
“I did.”
“Not really. Not in any depth. I have no idea what it means for you and your career,” she said.
“I have deep vein thrombosis and I’m on blood thinners. I have a blood clot in my leg, which I made worse when I lost my temper and kicked a bench in my trailer,” he said. “I’m seeing a specialist but everyone, even the most optimistic doctor, has said that my hours behind the wheel are winding down. I can’t keep on sitting still for that long, in that same position, without risking my life, and if I’m driving, the lives of others. So, I think it’s safe to say I’m not going to be driving again.”
His words made her sad for him. She heard the pain in them but for the first time, she didn’t hear anger. Finn Delaney, who was usually angry about everything, suddenly wasn’t. Why?
“What’s changed?”
He gave her a little smile. “Like I said, being in my empty house put everything in perspective. I’ve been alone in that house a million times before, but this was the first time that I really looked around. I love driving, but mainly because it gave me a way to get out of Last Stand. And I needed that, first when Mom got sick, and then after she died. I had to get away from Dad. But I don’t need that anymore. And I love cars and speed and that’s never going to change but I think…I know, that I have.
“A big part of that has come from you,” he continued. “I watched you navigate the unknown and just take it one step at a time. And while we were driving, part of my mind was working on something to do here, trying to come up with a way for me to stay. Because you aren’t the kind of woman who wants a man who doesn’t know what he wants.”
She bit her lower lip and tried not to jump into his arms, but she was starting to get the feeling that Finn really had thought this through. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ve been thinking of putting in a go-cart track and training facility. It’d be small at first, but I’d like to train young drivers so that they can go into the NASCAR circuit. I’m going to set up some meetings to figure it out. It feels right, like something I should do. Also, Cal mentioned that we still have the lease on that storefront that your brother wanted for the tattoo parlor, so I thought I could have a little office in town.”
“Why would you need an office in town?” she asked.
“So I can see you on your lunch break,” he said. “And Lane would like it, too.”
She could see it in his eyes—the hope and the love that she’d been afraid to admit was there before. But not anymore. “I’m still not sure how you’ll feel six months from now.”
“Me either, but damn, darling, I can promise you one thing—I’m never going to want to be far away from you.”
He pulled her into his arms, and she held on to his shoulders. Their eyes met and she suddenly realized she’d found what she’d been missing—her other half. Finn made her realize that being alone wasn’t the only way to live. That having a man by her side, a partner, was the sweetest thing in the world.
Then he kissed her, and she forgot all about sweet. Finn Delaney was dangerous and wild and the ride with him was going to be full throttle and no holds barred—exactly what a Maverick woman was bred to handle.
When he lifted his head a long while later, she realized that she never wanted to let him go.
“I love you, Finn.”
“I love you too, darling.”
“I’m not saying this is going to be easy,” she warned.
“Whatever it is, we will face it together.”
Epilogue
One year later
The Last Stand Saloon was a town institution, but not exactly the spot that most brides would have picked to have their receptions. But the saloon had been the spot where she and Finn had first started their relationship and both of them had decided it was where they wanted to have their first dance as man and wife.
The new Mrs. Lancey Maverick-Delaney was very glad she’d broken her own self-imposed regulation to stay away from NASCAR hotshot Finn Delaney.
“What are you thinking, Mrs. Delaney?” Finn asked as he twirled her around the dance floor wher
e their family and close friends watched them.
“That you are still too cocky, and too arrogant, and though I still like the way you fill out a pair of jeans, but damn you look good in a tux.”
Finn slid his hand up her back and dipped her, looking down at her décolletage, which was exposed by the sweetheart neckline of her dress, while he did it. “You look really good in a wedding gown, darling.”
He stood them back up. “I still like you best in a dress. But you make fatigues look good, too.”
“Thanks, Finn, You’re all flattery.”
“I knew it was my sweet-talking ways that convinced you to marry me.”
“That, and a few other things,” she said.
She thought about the past year and how it hadn’t been easy. Finn had worked nonstop to get his racetrack built and starting in the fall, he’d have his first class of students out there. Lane was getting used to his new family and all his aunts and uncles taking care of him. Lancey, who’d always kept herself apart from the community, looked around at the people who were watching her and Finn dance, and knew she’d finally found the family she’d always thought she hadn’t needed. It meant the world to her to have them all with her on this special day.
Of course, they’d had a few fights. He was still a stubborn man-child at times, and she wasn’t one to suffer fools lightly, but they always made up.
She blushed.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Making up after a fight,” she said.
He kissed her slow and deep before lifting his head. “Sometimes I pick a fight just so we can make up.”
“I know,” she said, hugging him close. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he said.
“My turn,” Lane said, running toward them. He looked too cute for words in his miniature version of Finn’s tux and with his cowboy hat on. “I wanna dance.”
Finns scooped him up. “Ready for our song?”
“What song?”
“We picked one for you,” Finn said, signaling the deejay.
Full Texas Throttle (The Dangerous Delaneys Book 2) Page 13