by Lissa Kasey
Nate realized he didn’t know all that much about Troy. A pharmacy tech who sometimes worked at the bakery and dabbled in naturopathic medicine. It was a short list. Maybe he shouldn’t have accepted this date. Twenty-five minutes passed and Nate felt bad about taking up the waiter’s table without ordering anything, so he ordered meals for himself and Jamie to go.
He couldn’t help being a little angry. And feeding that anger actually helped easy his constant worry. Why would Troy ask him out if he wasn’t going to show up? Maybe he’d realized how much of a loser Nate was? No, Troy probably knew more about Nate than Nate did. He’d seen all Nate’s tests and medical history. And as Jamie reminded Nate often, the world was not out to spite him anymore than it was to anyone.
The food came and Nate had been sitting there for forty-five minutes. Nate accepted the carryout bag and tipped his waiter well before heading for the door. He couldn’t help but search the diner one more time, and then the parking lot. No sign of Troy. He hoped the man was okay. A tiny thread of fear wove through him, making him wonder if Troy had gotten in a car accident or had a family member die.
Logically, Nate knew it didn’t have to be a tragic situation. Maybe Troy had changed his mind or chickened out and just not had a way to contact Nate without showing up and looking like a total dick.
Nate thought about texting Jamie since he likely had Troy’s phone number. But decided against it since he’d be home in only a few minutes anyway. Jamie could help him decide if he should worry or be angry. Nate was more than a little disappointed. Though he guessed that getting stood up was part of the process of being normal too. As sucky as it was.
He headed to his car and drove home. Home. Where Jamie was. Where the cats and a silly goat waited. He’d never had a place that felt like home as fast as Jamie’s place had. It wasn’t just the walls and the space, it was Jamie and the animals, and the people in town who greeted him like he’d been there for years.
He parked the car beside Jamie’s truck and headed inside. Jamie stood in the living room in his pajamas. He looked like he’d been pacing. He checked his watch and frowned.
“I brought you food,” Nate said. “In case you didn’t eat.” He headed into the kitchen deciding that he could eat now. He was suddenly starving now that he was home. It was five after eight and he’d skipped lunch. “Can you send a text to Troy?” Nate asked as he opened one of the containers and found a fork. “You have his number, right? Can you send him a text and see if he’s okay?”
Jamie didn’t answer.
Nate turned around to find Jamie standing in the doorway of the kitchen, arms folded across his chest, frowning. Had Nate done something wrong? “What’s wrong?”
“What happened on the date?” Jamie asked.
“Nothing,” Nate said. “Troy didn’t even show up. That’s why I want you to text him. I don’t have his number, but want to make sure he’s not dead in a car crash or something.”
“He what?” Jamie’s tone went sharp.
Nate stuffed his face full of food. Damn, Lori’s had good food. “Not a big deal,” Nate said once he swallowed. Now that he was home his anxiety faded away and he could almost laugh about it. “I didn’t expect anything to come of it. He’s nice and all, sort of like a TV-star pretty. Not sure what he was doing asking me out. We would have been the odd couple.”
Jamie stalked across the room and stood before Nate, towering over him like he never did. Nate looked up at him, wondering at the worry and anger on Jamie’s face.
“Are you okay?” Nate asked. “I thought you’d be cuddling with Tuck.” Only none of the cats were around. Maybe they were all upstairs in bed already.
“I was worried about you.”
“Lori’s is a very public place, and I got the impression that Friday Harbor is a pretty safe town.”
“But you were on a date.”
“With a friend of yours,” Nate pointed out. He put the rest of his food away, stuffing both boxes into the fridge since Jamie didn’t seem to want to eat.
“He’s just a guy I know. Not really a friend.”
That had Nate thinking. “What about Charlie, Bastian, and Graham? Are they just guys you know too?”
“Why does that matter?”
Because he didn’t show anyone the real him. Or was Nate the one disillusioned? That idea bothered him. Jamie was warm and kind and always willing to help. Except that was only with Nate.
“I don’t know where I stand with you,” Nate confessed. “We’ve been friends forever, but I see now how you treat your other friends, keeping them at a distance, and wonder if you’re just being nice to me cause I’m sick?”
“I don’t keep them at a distance.”
“You do. They all call you Jameson, and how weird is that? I’ve only ever called you Jamie.”
“Only you call me Jamie.”
“Do you not like being called Jamie? Should I call you Jameson?”
“No.”
But why? Nate had a thousand questions he was sure he would not be able to find answers for on Google. “Bastian had a picture of you he’d drawn in his sketchbook and all I could think was how distant you looked. Emotionless. But that’s not you.”
“No, it’s not,” Jamie agreed.
“Then why is that what they see?” Nate had to understand. “I thought they were your friends too.”
“They are. Just not the same way you are.”
Nate sighed. “I’ve spent my whole life being different. I don’t want to be different.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being different. I like you the way you are. I don’t understand why you don’t.” Jamie’s posture was tense, almost on the edge of violence, from what Nate could tell, but he wasn’t afraid. He’d learned to read a lot of body language over the years, especially after he got sick and found it hard to decipher what people said sometimes. Jamie was battling something mentally. Something he wasn’t sure if he wanted to fight or not. Nate just wasn’t sure what.
“Talk to me, Jamie. I can’t understand if you don’t share.” And how was that fair? Nate shared everything with Jamie. Even when he felt like saying something would rip his soul apart. “I trust you. Don’t you trust me?”
“I love you,” Jamie said quietly.
Nate nodded. He’d suspected that, though still had a hard time believing it. People didn’t love him, only Jamie did. Not just with words, but in the way he took care of Nate, did things that made him feel loved. Even if it was as simple as texting when he’d be late getting home. They both had grown up in a world where men didn’t say those things. Which was stupid. Everyone wanted to be loved, cared for, worried over. Jamie had become his family in a way that Nate had always dreamt of having one. Someone who cared without an agenda.
“I love you, too.” Even if Nate’s love was so much more than just friends. It was still love. If he had to admit it, he was madly in love with Jamie.
“You don’t understand,” Jamie said. He reached out and pulled Nate into a fierce hug. “I love you.”
“Okay,” Nate agreed, accepting the hug and squeezing back. “Help me understand.”
Jamie suddenly let him go and stalked away a few feet to pace. He put his hands in his hair and pulled a little each time he crossed the kitchen. “I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“We won’t,” Nate vowed. “You’re my best friend. The only one who’s ever been there for me, no matter what.”
“I don’t want you to be grateful.”
“I am. But that’s not why I care about you. I’ve cared about you since long before we even met that first time at the con. Then we met and you were real, everything you’d showed me online was real. I was so happy.”
“But you shut me out when you were sick.”
“I didn’t want you to hate me. I hated myself so much, for being weak, sick, and pathetic, how could you not?”
“I wouldn’t. I knew you were sick. Even when you were too irrational to realize you were sick.�
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“I’m still sick. I will always be sick. This doesn’t just go away.” Uttering the truth hurt. Nate had spent two years refusing to face the truth. He might improve, but he’d never be cured. The idea didn’t use to bother him.
“No,” Jamie agreed. “And that’s okay.”
“So what’s wrong? You know I’m not going anywhere, even if I had some place to go. I’m happier here than I can remember being in years. Coming home to you and the cats? Seeing you walk in the door at night and smile even though I know you’re tired? Walking that silly goat and having everyone stop to say hello? Our time watching TV together even if we don’t talk? I love all of that. This is home. The first place that’s felt like home in as long as I can remember. I love that you touch me, hug me, even when I’m afraid of being touched. It reminds me that I’m not alone. That someone cares about me as much as I care about him. If you hadn’t come for me, I’m not sure I’d still be in this world.”
“You stayed because of the cats,” Jamie said. They both knew stayed meant hadn’t thrown himself off a bridge or something.
“Before I got here, yeah. Now I stay because of you. I would never do that to you. Plus even when I’m numb and in the depths of the darkness wallowing in my depression, you’re there, like a light. A little reminder poking at my heart telling me I can still feel. I can still love.”
Jamie’s hands clenched into fists and he bowed his head, eyes closed, like he was praying.
“Jamie?” Nate asked, worried about his friend.
“Don’t date Troy,” Jamie said.
“I think he sort of put the kibosh on that by not showing up,” Nate said. “Unless he’s got a hell of an excuse, I won’t be saying yes to him again.”
“Ever,” Jamie said opening his eyes and staring at Nate. “I don’t want you to date anyone.”
Nate frowned. “Why?”
“Because I like having you to myself.”
Those words shut Nate up. He wasn’t sure what to think or feel in that moment. His heart screamed with hope and elation while his head flashed warning lights and echoes of “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!” Jamie stalked across the kitchen and put his hands on Nate’s face.
“Jamie?” Nate asked, a little breathless with Jamie so close, his eyes intense. Just a few inches more and they could kiss. Nate trembled at the thought. He’d had fantasies about being with Jamie. The sort of thing kids have about growing up and marrying their favorite rock star or movie star. Unreachable dreams. “You’re giving me some crazy mixed signals.”
“I don’t want to just be your friend,” Jamie said. “Is that all we can have?”
“I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” Nate whispered. “You’re all I have.” Elation turned to terror. What if they tried something, and it just didn’t work? Then Jamie didn’t want to be friends anymore? Nate would have nothing. He’d be all alone again. The best thing in his life lost. And Jamie was straight. “You’re straight.”
“Then why do I want to kiss you so bad?”
Nate sucked in a deep breath.
“Can I?” Jamie asked. “You know I won’t force you. I just want to… It’s been in my head for a long time. Like you’re the missing puzzle piece. You came here, and I thought it would be enough. You’d be safe and I could take care of you. Then there was Troy. And I was so mad, but had no right. I want the right to be mad. Even if it makes me sound like a caveman. I want you to be mine. So can I kiss you already?”
A thousand reactions went through Nate’s head all at once. Answers, dismissals, requests, reasons for and against, but all he could say was, “yes,” in a tiny voice that came out sounding a little like a “meep.”
Jamie’s lips were on his the moment the word left his lips.
Nate accepted the kiss, opened his mouth and let Jamie in. His brain kept trying to lead him off on tangents of “what if,” but Nate pulled it back. He kissed Jamie. Jamie kissed him. And it was…amazing.
It was a teasing of lips for a while. Tentative licks and tastes. Hesitant and uncertain, but inquisitive. Nate reveled in every second of it. The sweetness and peace of being with Jamie in that moment eclipsed all his other worries.
Jamie pulled away enough to rest his forehead against Nate’s.
“Is this real? I’m not sure I’m really awake,” Nate said.
“You’re awake. It’s real.”
“I’ve loved you forever,” Nate whispered, fearing his words would tear them apart. “Not like a friend. More than a friend. But…”
“I’m good with that,” Jamie said.
“This has to be a dream.”
“Not a dream,” Jamie assured him, kissing him again.
“Sorry for the salad…” Nate said, suddenly embarrassed he’d just been eating. Did his breath smell? At least it was a salad Jamie usually ordered for himself. “If you’d said something before I started eating…”
“Nate, shut up,” Jamie said, still holding Nate’s face. His gaze intense enough to burn.
“Shutting up now,” Nate agreed. Jamie kissed him again. Sweet, gentle, and exploring. It wasn’t the sparks like Nate had read in romance novels, but better. It was quiet in his head, calm, yet eagerness rolled over him. A desire to grab Jamie, hold him tight and kiss until they were both seeing stars. It was a sense of coming home and rightness that Nate wondered about. In the back of his mind the fear still lingered, but with Jamie in front of him, holding him, kissing him, it had no power.
“Is this okay?” Nate asked once they stopped again.
“Is it okay with you?” Jamie asked.
“Uh, if it’s okay with you…”
Jamie laughed a husky sound that made Nate go hard. Holy crap it had been a long time since Nate had felt that. He had been broken so long he almost forgot what being turned on was. The heat of a blush rushed up his face at the thought of Jamie pressing him against the counter and rubbing off on him. Would Jamie be into that? Was Nate ready for that? With Jamie?
“Maybe we should stop,” Nate said. Would Jamie freak out if he knew how turned on Nate was? Or was that what he wanted? Nate was so confused.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“I don’t know. You’re the straight one, not me,” Nate reminded him.
“Obviously not.”
“You done this before? Kissed another guy?”
“Kissed before. Done a few other things before.”
Well of course he had, but Nate wasn’t Dana. Was Jamie thinking of his wife? Was he turning to Nate because he was here and now?
“Any with another guy?”
“A time or two,” Jamie acknowledged.
Jealousy raged through Nate and he wanted to rip someone apart. A visceral part of him said Jamie was his. “Anyone we know?” Troy maybe? And wouldn’t that just be a piece of shit in his cake. “Troy?”
“No. Long before you and I met. Before Dana. College.”
But if he hadn’t been with another guy since college…What was this? Did Jamie even know? Was Jamie into guys at all or just possessive of Nate’s time? Jamie didn’t have to be intimate with Nate to keep him close. Nate’s heart would follow Jamie to the end of time if it could. Instinct, affection, trust, all things Nate freely gave Jamie. For what in return? What did Jamie want?
“Stop thinking,” Jamie said. “I can see the wheels turning behind your eyes. Whatever is in there, just stop. Stop doubting yourself. Stop doubting me. Stop doubting us.”
“I didn’t know there was an us to doubt,” Nate whispered. “Never dared to hope. I mean, you’re straight…”
Jamie sighed and let go of Nate’s face, instead pulling him into his arms. Their bodies met with a sizzle of heat. Nate felt Jamie’s erection against his hip and knew Jamie couldn’t miss his either.
“Holy fuck,” Nate said. How long had it been since he’d experienced real desire like this? Since he’d dared let himself even think it? A decade? Probably since his con weekend with Jamie all those years ago. And this was
n’t a fantasy about some guy. It was Jamie in his arms. The one guy he’d always thought he could never have.
“Wasn’t it you who always told me sexuality is not black or white?” Jamie asked. “That you being gay didn’t mean you don’t see women as attractive?”
“I find some beautiful. I just don’t want to have sex with them.”
Jamie shrugged. “Logistics. There are a dozen labels, none that I’m sure exactly fit me, and that’s okay. I don’t need a label to define me.”
“Okay,” Nate agreed.
“I’ve been reading all those romances you love so much. I’m not the hero. I’m a ranger with old cop instincts. I can be cynical as fuck. It also means I’m good at reading people and situations, but I can’t save you from the demons in your head. Man, does that make me mad. I can only distract you from them for a while. But I’d like to be the one you come to for distraction.”
Nate tried to understand what Jamie was saying. Was this a fling? “What does that mean?”
Jamie sighed and nestled his face into Nate’s shoulder. “You think too much.”
“Sorry,” Nate said immediately.
“It’s okay. It’s part of you and I don’t mind it. I just wish it were less negative. What that means is that I want you to date me, if that’s what we’re doing. But dating is stupid. Unnecessary. We already know we fit together. We’ve been living together a few weeks and fit just fine. Hell, I get along better living with you than I ever did with Dana.”
“Okay,” Nate said slowly, trying to parse out everything he was hearing. “But what if you get bored and don’t want to date me anymore?” He waved his hand, dismissing a remark he knew Jamie would make. “Or whatever we are. Don’t want to be with me anymore.”
“Not going to happen.” Jamie pulled away to look down at Nate again. “I’ve waited a long time. Tried to convince myself I didn’t need you. Had almost convinced you to give us a chance and then you got sick. Almost lost you then.” His eyes looked haunted for a minute.