by Lissa Kasey
Nate frowned. This wasn’t new? Jamie had felt this way for years? “I don’t understand.”
“Remember all the time we spent together at con?”
Of course he did. The trip had been so intimate Nate had almost felt like it’d been a liaison with a lover without the benefit of sex. They clicked perfectly, enjoyed the entire weekend, and spent more time laughing and smiling than Nate could ever recall in his life. He remembered vividly how heartbroken he’d been when he’d had to leave. His big dreams of convincing Jamie to love him, despite their difference in sexuality, had burst with the call to board the airplane. “Yes.”
“I knew then, watching you get on that plane. Thought I’d come home and be fine. I buried myself in work, tried to date, but lived for our chats every night.” He leaned forward to whisper in Nate’s ear. “Masturbating to the memory of sleeping in the same bed at the hotel with you.”
Nate gasped. He’d done the same thing for several months after. “You never said anything.”
“I teased you all the time. Flirted. Until you told me to stop.”
Nate hated being teased. Especially about sex. Too many years of feeling ugly. He vaguely remembered Jamie had done it a few times until Nate set hard boundaries. “I thought you were just being cruel. That you knew I was into you and couldn’t have you.”
“Never. I was young, stupid, and still grieving Dana. I look back and think of all the years I wasted, trying to be what everyone expected of me, and I’m so angry.”
“You were very firm about being straight.”
“I was really good at denial back then.”
“Growing up made you bad at denial?”
“Getting older makes me care less what other people think.” Jamie tugged Nate away from the counter. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Were they sleeping together? Or having sex? If they were having sex Nate would need to shower and do a bunch of stuff he hadn’t done in years. He would want to be perfect for Jamie.
Jamie pointed to his head. “Stop.”
Nate sighed. “I can’t help it. Just be plain with me. Then maybe my head won’t go crazy thinking up scenarios. Are we going to have sex or not?”
“I thought we’d kiss a little. See where it goes,” Jamie confessed.
“Can I shower first?”
“Didn’t you shower before your date?”
Well, yes, but… “There is a bit more to being a gay man than a shower before a date.”
Jamie blinked at him.
“Those books you read are written by women, for women, remember?”
He nodded.
“So guys have a little more prep required.” Nate’s face felt like it was on fire. “I’m thinking what you did in college, all those years ago, was a little fooling around? Nothing planned? Real dates with other men?”
“Right,” Jamie agreed.
Nate nodded. “I guess you could call me a little higher maintenance than whomever you fooled around with in college.”
Jamie snorted. “A little?”
“Jerk,” Nate said without heat. “My point is I need a shower before you touch me or my brain will go crazy with all the ‘what if’ stuff. I want to be perfect for you.”
“You are perfect for me.”
Nate kissed him again. Fiercely. Even though his gut reminded him they were just words, it was enough. He released Jamie from the kiss and stared into his eyes. Was this really real?
“If you’re going to shower, then I should shower too. We can shower together. Make sure I don’t miss any important spots,” Jamie said.
Nate nearly melted to jelly right there, both with the fact that Jamie wanted to be with him and with fear of exactly that. “No shower sex,” Nate said. “It’s sexy to read about. Small spaces and me…” His shower wasn’t big enough and the thought of being cramped in there for his first time with Jamie just made his anxiety rear its ugly head. He didn’t know if Jamie’s shower was any larger.
“How about we lie in bed and kiss for a while. We can even keep our clothes on,” Nate tried. Did he really want Jamie seeing all the loose skin from his weight loss? Nate had been really good about not getting naked anywhere near his friend. No matter how many people complimented him, Nate saw the worst in himself. He still thought of himself as fat, though he knew logically he wasn’t. It was a mindset that had taken nearly forty years of affirmation to develop and would be damn near impossible to change.
“What’s the fun in that?” Jamie wanted to know.
Nate pulled away, his gut twisting with anxiety. “Maybe we should take a breather.” His heart raced now. Would Jamie get pissed because he turned him down? Would he understand that Nate wasn’t ready? That he feared this entire thing would erupt and blow up his life again.
“Shh,” Jamie said. He gave Nate another hug and kissed the top of his head. “No rush. How about you go get into your jammies and we’ll meet in my room. Spend some time cuddling with the cats…and each other. If that’s okay. Nothing else has to happen. I’m sure Leo and AJ are missing you anyway.”
Cuddling, Nate could do. They did that almost every night anyway. Jamie did have a way of waking up in the morning curled around Nate like Nate was a giant teddy bear. Add in all the cats, and bedtime was a bit like a Tetris game.
“Okay,” Nate agreed.
“Good,” Jamie nodded and let Nate go to give him a little shove toward the stairs. Nate took the hint and rushed to his room to find a pair of pajamas and brush his teeth. Riley was the only cat in his room. The cat sat in his classic bread loaf pose on top of the bookcase. “I’m sleeping in Jamie’s room,” Nate told the cat. “Looks like everyone else is there. You should come too.”
Riley gave him a long slow blink but didn’t otherwise move.
Nate ran a comb through his hair, wishing again he’d cut it, and made his way to Jamie’s room. Normally bedtime helped ease the final tension of the day away, however, tonight Nate’s gut churned. Head full of “what-ifs.”
He paused in the doorway to Jamie’s room. Jamie sat on the bed with Leo in his lap, brushing the old cat. Tuck perched on the pillow Nate had been using. AJ sat at the end of the bed flanked by Ember and Ash.
“Hey,” Nate said, still feeling a little weird.
Jamie gave him a slight smile. “Come to bed. Leo seems to think he needs his personal heater. We might as well get comfy before they all sit on us.”
Nate approached the bed and climbed in, lying down in his normal spot but leaving room for Tuck on his pillow. Jamie set the comb aside, picked up Leo, and set him on Nate’s chest. He doused the light and crawled into bed, pulling the blanket up around them. When Jamie put his arm around Nate and tugged him closer, Nate tensed and Leo decided to go sit with AJ and the twins.
“This okay?” Jamie asked.
“Sure,” Nate said, worried but unwilling to voice it.
“Just kisses?”
Nate let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Kisses are okay.” Maybe tomorrow he’d wake up and find out it was all a dream. And that was okay. For tonight he’d enjoy Jamie’s lips on his and fantasies of things Nate had never dared to dream of before.
Chapter 22
Nate awoke with the familiar weight of Jamie pressed to his side, AJ on his arm, Leo on his chest, and Tuck perched on the pillow above his head. If not for the fact that Jamie’s face was nestled in the side of Nate’s neck, he would have thought it was any other morning. As it was, he awoke hard, the smell of Jamie filling his senses and the memory of his taste still burning Nate’s lips.
They’d done nothing but kissing. Both he and Jamie had fallen asleep early, Nate secure in Jamie’s arms with Tuck purring on his head. Was it real? Nate looked up to find Riley perched on Jamie’s back, a look of kitty disdain on his face.
“So much judgment,” Nate grumbled. “You’re just jealous I’m not snuggling you.”
Jamie stirred, sucking in a breath, chest filling. Riley didn’t move. “Is there
a cat on my back?”
“And one on my chest and above my head. AJ has made my arm go numb,” Nate replied.
Jamie popped open an eye. He looked really good sleep-tousled. Normally they didn’t spend mornings in bed together. Nate usually pretended to still be asleep when Jamie left the bed each morning. But it was a Saturday and Jamie wasn’t working.
“Must be Riley up there? He’s heavier than I expected.”
“All muscle,” Nate nodded. He’d have to comb his grumpy boy again as the knots in his fur were getting worse.
“If I move, will he dig his claws in?”
Nate studied his cat. Riley looked bored mostly. The typical cat “doesn’t care” attitude until you did something to change their environment. “Maybe.”
Jamie lifted up, bracing for the claws, but Riley bounced off, landing with a thunk on the floor and leaping to the top of the dresser a moment later. Jamie lifted Leo off Nate’s chest and put him next to Tuck on the pillow before leaning down to kiss Nate.
Nate accepted the kiss. Nothing tentative this time. More fierce possession. They dueled for a while, Nate enjoying the warmth of Jamie’s mouth and surprised that he tasted vaguely of mint.
“Wow,” Nate said into Jamie’s mouth. “Good morning to you too.”
“Mm,” Jamie said.
“Did you get up already and brush your teeth?” Nate wanted to know when Jamie released his mouth.
“Nope.” He kissed Nate’s collarbone, hand trailing down Nate’s chest. He rubbed Nate’s nipples lightly through the fabric of his T-shirt. A zing of heat raced to Nate’s groin.
He let out a long sigh. “Not fair. I’m not awake yet.”
“Good,” Jamie said. “Brain isn’t running on ten thousand percent worry mode.”
They kissed again. Nate reached up to cup the back of Jamie’s head for a better angle. Yeah, that was good. They turned to slide their bodies together. Side by side and Jamie wrapped his leg around Nate’s, pulling them close enough to feel their erections together. Jamie moved his hips, giving them a little friction.
The cats left the bed and Nate barely noticed, too focused on the sensations building. For the longest time he’d felt sexually dead, his senses numbed by medications. This was intense, an awakening of things he’d forgotten he could feel. Scary, but in a good way. Jamie wouldn’t hurt him, of that, Nate was sure.
“Fuck,” Nate muttered, all doubt gone in that moment. He was in bed with Jamie. His best friend. The one man who’d held a place in his heart for nearly a decade.
“Yes,” Jamie sighed into Nate’s lips.
Nate pressed his hips into Jamie’s. The drag was almost painful it was so good. Jamie massaged Nate’s ass, adding to the friction. Nate wished they’d gotten undressed. Even if it was just for a moment before his brain plagued him with thoughts of inadequacy, and then it didn’t matter.
Nate gasped, coming like he hadn’t in years. His gasp was swallowed in a fierce kiss. His grip on Jamie tightened. Their kiss intensified as Nate felt Jamie come too. A release of tension and a muffled groan lost in Nate’s lips.
“Mm,” Jamie said, as they lay together stealing little kisses, both coming down and breathing heavy. “How’s your brain?”
“Sleepy?” Nate wasn’t sure. It wasn’t panicking yet. “I’m sure crazy mode will activate any second.”
“Yeah? How about we distract it with something else?”
Nate wondered what Jamie had in mind. Whatever it was, he needed to wash up first. Sticky, wet underwear was not fun at any age. Jamie rolled out of bed with words that put fear in Nate’s gut.
“Let’s go hiking.”
“What?” Nate asked.
“Hiking. Not camping. Just walking in the woods,” Jamie said as he dug out clothes for the day and dropped them off in his bathroom. His face was still flushed and his lips looked swollen.
“Wow, you’re hot,” Nate said absentmindedly.
Jamie gave him a goofy grin. “So are you, lying there looking all warm and debauched with come-soaked pajama pants.”
“That’s why I said what.” Couldn’t they stay in bed? Experiment until Nate got over his worry? Was that possible? And of course, now he was worrying.
“Hiking is a great distraction. Good for the body and the soul. Camping is closed in the park right now anyway. Too cold. Nights drop down below freezing.”
Nate sat up, memories of the night of their failed camping trip coming back to him. “What if we run into the people who vandalized our camp?”
“Not likely. We’re going to an area pretty far from there. Plus it’s been two weeks. They’ve moved on by now, I’m sure. No one has heard of any other incidences.”
Nate floundered for what to say.
Jamie stared at him a minute longer. “I want to spend the day with you. Just you and me, is that okay?”
Well, when he put it like that. “Yes.”
“You liked the hiking before the night got crazy. You saw trees and sunsets and pretty birds. Took lots of pictures,” Jamie reminded him.
“Yes,” Nate agreed. He had enjoyed a lot of that. And spending the day with Jamie. “Okay.”
“Jump in the shower. Dress warm. We’ll grab breakfast at Lori’s before we hit the trails for the day. Be back home by sunset.” Jamie disappeared into the bathroom. Ember and Ash followed him.
Nate made his way to his own room, moving a little slower as his brain began to wake up and worry plagued him. He stared into his underwear drawer for a minute, his mind scattered with ideas running in the wrong direction.
“Why can’t I just enjoy it?” Nate asked himself. “Even if it’s only temporary. Even if it all blows up. Why can’t I just live in the here and now?” One day at a time his therapist always used to say. Tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed, the past was already over and couldn’t be changed. All that was left was today.
He chose warm and comfortable clothes and headed to the shower. By the time he’d washed off, gotten dressed and ready, Jamie had given Tuck his steroid dose, fed all the critters, and even cleaned the litter boxes.
“Thanks,” Nate said as passed Jamie coming in from throwing out the litter.
“You’re welcome.” Jamie washed his hands then turned to look at Nate, smile warm and comforting. “You ready?”
“Need coffee,” Nate said. “Lori’s has coffee, right?”
“Yes,” Jamie said and reached out to grab Nate’s hand. “Food first, then we’ll see if we can take some great pictures. Is your phone charged?”
Nate nodded.
“Great. The leaves are amazing this time of year. Colors like fire-rainbows. There’s a ridge we can hike up to and look down, and you can just see for miles and miles, trees, colors, and blue skies. Even the ocean.” Jamie sounded excited and Nate squeezed his hand as he followed Jamie to the car. Nature was good. Nature with Jamie, even better.
Breakfast in the diner was crowded. Every table full spoke to how popular the restaurant was. Jamie and Nate got a tiny booth in the corner and ordered a simple breakfast full of protein. Nate downed his first two cups of coffee waiting for his food, feeling more than a little groggy, before he realized Jamie was still holding his hand. Their entwined fingers rested on top of the table for everyone to see.
The waiter, Travis, had already come by to take their order and said nothing about it. Had he noticed? Was anyone else looking? Would they treat Jamie differently?
Jamie tugged on Nate’s hand. “Hey.”
Nate looked up, meeting his eyes and couldn’t help but return the happy grin he got.
“Brain off. Everything is fine. Food and hikes. Easy day. Then home for some kitty cuddle time. We’ll walk Harry later.”
It sounded simple enough. Nate glanced down at their hands. “Is this okay?”
“This is great,” Jamie assured him. “Drink some more coffee. I’m not sure you’re going to make it up the trail with your eyes drooping like that. Might have to carry you on my back.”
&nbs
p; Nate laughed imagining a piggy-back ride. “That would be silly. I’m not that small compared to you.”
“Nah, but it would work out. If you get tired, let me know. There will be lots of places to take breaks.”
“And to pee?” Nate wanted to know. “Since I’m drinking so much coffee?”
Travis reappeared to refill his cup and set down their plates. He smiled at them and left them to eat.
“I’ll point you to the correct trees,” Jamie said. “The resilient ones that can handle toxic pee.”
“Jerk,” Nate said again. He had to release Jamie’s hand so they could eat. Jamie told dumb jokes while they ate, keeping Nate distracted from watching the people around them. The food, as usual, was amazing.
“Your smile is amazing,” Jamie said.
Nate could feel himself blush. “Stop.”
“I love hearing you laugh,” Jamie continued.
“’Cause you’re a giant goober!”
“What does a zombie vegetarian eat?” Jamie wanted to know.
“Um, lettuce?”
“Graaains…” Jamie said.
Nate laughed again. “You’re such a dork.”
“What was Forest Gump’s password?”
“I don’t know.”
“One Forest One”
Nate shook his head. “Maybe you’ve had too much coffee already? I don’t remember you being this funny early in the morning. Maybe you save it all for work? Tell jokes to the trees and squirrels?”
“Nah,” Jamie said. “I think I’m just happy.” Those words lit a fire of warmth in Nate’s gut. He made Jamie happy. And wasn’t that amazing? Jamie waved Travis down to get the check. “You ready?”
“I guess. What could happen on a hike, right?” Nate let Jamie pay the bill then followed him back out to the truck. Jamie took his hand again and tugged him into a hug before letting Nate get into the truck. It felt amazing to be wrapped in Jamie’s arms in the cold morning air. Jamie was warm and strong and Nate smiled, even though he still worried people were looking at them. “Are you being a caveman?” Nate asked.
“Just making sure everyone knows you’re mine.”