Letters from Berlin
Page 4
The guards began to move, mounting machine guns on the street in front of their posts. I could feel a hum of tension rush through the crowd like a shock of electricity. Our food and thermos were forgotten. My mouth felt dry.
‘Go, Marika. It’s not safe for you to be here.’
‘It’s not for you, either. I know how much this means to you. If you’re staying, then I will too.’ I clasped her hand in thanks, glad of her support, but in truth I was frightened of the consequences for everyone present.
Then a car horn blared and a vehicle raced along Rosenstrasse, its occupants, evidently SS, screaming at us to return to our homes. Fear rippled through the crowd and I held Marika’s hand tighter. I surveyed the sea of anxious faces around me, but everybody stood their ground. The car headed straight for us and it wasn’t slowing down. As it hurtled closer, the crowd surged and Marika and I were ripped apart.
‘Marika!’ I screamed as women scrambled towards the protection of alleyways and courtyards. I ran for shelter too, looking for Marika’s vivid auburn hair amongst the sea of grey and brown hats, but she was gone.
My heart thumping in my chest, I watched as the guards chased women away from the front of the building, but slowly small groups trickled back to their positions. Then I saw Marika among them, unhurt and undeterred. I made my way to her side and took her arm in mine.
‘Do you want to leave?’ I whispered to her.
‘I couldn’t go now,’ she said grimly, the fire burning brightly in her eyes. ‘We’re in this together.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. She understood. I couldn’t stand by and watch as others were going through the very thing I feared the most. With Tante Elya’s registration, something in me had shifted. I had to find a way to fight back.
It felt empowering standing up for what was right. I could feel the swell of solidarity within the crowd. It was intoxicating. We weren’t going anywhere until we’d heard about the fate of the men inside.
To my astonishment, many men were released that day. Tears poured down my cheeks as women ran to their exhausted and dishevelled husbands, sons and loved ones and hugged them fiercely. With the army’s recent defeat at Stalingrad, it seemed that the Nazi regime was beginning to lose control. But I didn’t know if that made them less or more dangerous.
* * *
A few days later, I returned home from university. Life continued just the same on the estate but the events on Rosenstrasse barely left my mind. With Tante Elya and Leo still safe, the optimism I felt at the end of the protest began to take root within me. But it was short-lived when Tante Elya told us of the letter she had received from one of her Onkel Levi’s friends in Lemberg, a Polish city. Onkel Levi had been writing regularly, even after he had been moved to the ghetto. He and his family lived in constant fear of reprisals by the SS, but they had endured until now.
Luncheon lay on the table as Tante Elya spoke, the meat stew glistening with fat and a bowl of fluffy mashed potato sitting alongside it. Despite the ever-increasing quotas of meat, milk and vegetables owed to the Ministry of Agriculture and Food, we could always find a little extra for ourselves and the local families who needed it most.
‘What happened?’ Leo asked softly while I pushed the small grey chunks around my plate unenthusiastically. Tante Elya’s eyes were puffy from crying, but she looked up at Leo.
‘He and his family were shot outside the town. About two months ago. Thousands slaughtered in cold blood. Even the elders in charge of the ghetto.’ She looked stunned, unable to believe the words she spoke.
‘All his family?’ I whispered.
‘Two grandsons were spared,’ said Onkel Georg grimly. ‘They’re still there along with whoever’s left, but the ghetto’s been transformed into a labour camp. They’re imprisoned with the fear of death hanging over their heads…’
‘The Nazis are getting more and more brazen,’ said Leo, slamming his fork on the table. ‘Onkel Tedi’s told us what he’s heard in Lodz. They’ve been transporting thousands from the ghetto in Warsaw, but the Jewish people won’t go quietly anymore. Everybody’s heard the rumours about these concentration camps. People disappear there. The Nazis can’t hide it, hundreds have seen it happen. Why isn’t the world sitting up and taking notice? They want to exterminate anyone with Jewish blood!’
The low leaden clouds visible through the long rectangular windows threatened further snowfalls and added to the gloom that had fallen upon us. Not even the sight of snow bells pushing their way through the frozen ground to announce the coming of spring could lift my mood.
‘What can we do?’ I asked in a small whisper. It was barely conceivable that thousands of people were being sent to their deaths, and yet it could be the future my family was facing.
‘There’s nothing we can do but sit tight,’ said Tante Elya with a hollow voice.
‘What about emigration?’ I asked hastily.
Onkel Georg shook his head. ‘There’s nowhere to go.’
Leo just stared into space and I couldn’t tell if his expression was one of desperation or anger. Onkel Georg’s connections had come to nothing. My family was trapped.
‘We carry on as normal.’ Onkel Georg’s face gave nothing away as he stabbed a cube of meat with his fork.
‘We’ll be fine, myshka.’ Tante Elya tried to smile, but she seemed brittle, as though she could shatter any minute.
Leo and I locked eyes and I could see that he wasn’t about to accept the situation. Neither was I.
I followed him to the barn after luncheon.
‘I’m worried about your mother,’ I said, closing the heavy door behind me. It was quiet and peaceful here. ‘We can’t just do nothing and submit to our fate. I know you agree.’
‘Mutti hasn’t been wearing the Star of David,’ said Leo softly, ‘but if she stays close by, on the farm or in the village, she’ll be safe. Vati still has some power. The estate and its contracts will protect us all. Nothing’s really changed.’
My eyes adjusted to the gloom and I noticed Shushki, my favourite cat, in the hay, steadily licking her brand-new kittens. Life carries on regardless, I thought, but it didn’t mean we had to accept what was happening around us.
‘But the danger to you both is getting closer,’ I said anxiously, grasping his cold hands in mine. ‘It could be you and your mother at Lemberg, in Warsaw… I hope they prevail in Warsaw as we did on Rosenstrasse.’
‘You went to Rosenstrasse?’ His look of incredulity made me bristle, but I didn’t react.
I nodded. ‘I can’t lose you or your mother. I’ve already lost one family. I can’t sit back and allow things to happen to us.’ My throat constricted and tears rolled down my cheeks. ‘I feel so guilty that you’re being persecuted while I have all the freedoms and rights of an Aryan under the guardianship of your father. It’s not fair. But I can make a difference somehow. Stand up to the appalling injustices of the Reich.’
‘That’s crazy talk, Susie!’ Leo pulled his hands away. ‘You’ll get yourself killed even talking like that.’
I wiped my wet cheeks with my sleeve. ‘But you know I’m right.’
He stared at me. ‘You’re too young to be involved in this fight.’
‘I’m not a child, Leo,’ I said hotly. ‘I’ve seen what this war can do – I served at the hospital, remember? And I’m eighteen; nineteen next month. A woman.’
He looked away. ‘I forget how much you’ve changed. I don’t know how to treat you anymore. I just want to protect you.’
‘But I don’t need your protection. You’ve always treated me as an equal. I don’t want that to change now.’
He nodded a grudging acceptance.
‘You should have seen it, Leo. The crowd of women, defying the SS and soldiers. It was incredible. And most of the people detained were released either that day or over the next week.’
‘You were never one to step away from a challenge,’ he said, shaking his head in amazement. ‘I remember that from when I was teaching yo
u to hunt. You’re so determined.’ He reached out and touched my cheek.
‘Well, that’s something at least,’ I whispered, my cheek ablaze. He was standing so close, I couldn’t help but reach up on my toes to kiss him, but he turned his head so I grazed my lips on his short stubble instead. I stepped away as he moved to touch my arm, apology and regret flashing across his expressive face.
‘You’re turning blue,’ he said. ‘We can’t stay out here.’ The temperature was dropping quickly as the sun nudged closer to the horizon. ‘Let’s show Mutti the new kittens. It will cheer her up.’
All I wanted was for him to take me in his arms. When would he realise that my life was inextricably linked to his whether he liked it or not?
3
The day before my nineteenth birthday I arrived home from university to an air of bustling industriousness.
I couldn’t believe the amount of trouble everyone had gone to just for me. It gave me a thrill of excitement despite my reservations about the party. The garden was immaculate with neat hedges lining the driveway, overhung by boughs of delicate cherry blossoms and drifts of bright daffodils sweeping the green expanses of lawn. The manor house looked revitalised too. The white lime-washed walls gleamed against the sandstone borders, embellished by the columns and rich decorations around the doors and semicircular upper windows. The impressive staircase led the eye to the front door where two welcoming cherubs rested in pride of place above. I could see why so many locals referred to it as the castle.
I knocked and poked my head through the door to the study. ‘I’m here!’
‘We’ve been waiting for you, schätzchen,’ said Onkel Georg, smiling. I walked across to him and kissed his cheek.
‘Is it that late already?’ Tante Elya’s face was tight, her brows creased. She stood in a hurry, eyes wide with alarm. ‘Hello, myshka.’ She hugged me tight. ‘I’m glad you’re home. I need you for the final preparations.’ I knew Tante Elya would have a to-do list as long as her arm and I felt guilty that I’d been away all week.
‘Is everything all right?’ I looked searchingly at them both.
‘Fine, fine,’ said Onkel Georg a little too quickly, brushing his thick sand-coloured moustache with his hand, while Tante Elya turned a shade paler.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course.’ Tante Elya took my arm. ‘Come then. There’s so much still to do for tomorrow and I want everything ready so you can enjoy your day.’
Later that afternoon, I ran into Leo in the hallway.
‘What’s going on?’ I asked, grabbing his arm so he wouldn’t slip away.
‘What’re you talking about?’ He wrenched his arm free.
‘When I arrived, your parents were in the study, behaving very strangely.’
‘It’s nothing.’
‘Don’t tell me that,’ I snapped. ‘Equals, remember?’
He stared at me and shrugged helplessly. ‘They don’t want to ruin your birthday. Let it go.’
‘You know I can’t do that.’ I touched his arm. Please tell me what’s going on.’
‘Not here.’
‘Your mother’s room. We won’t be disturbed there.’
Leo followed me to the bedroom where I shut the door firmly.
‘Tell me.’
‘Our contracts with the Reichsbahn and Reichspost have been cancelled.’
I stared at him, horrified. ‘Everything?’
He nodded and the tough exterior that he showed to the world cracked and crumbled away. Tears were in his eyes. ‘All the orders, milk to Berlin, timber – everything.’
‘After all these years… I can’t believe it.’
‘Not only that – our coupons for seed and fuel are invalid.’
I froze, thinking through the implications.
‘There’s still a small amount of seed we can sow, but without the fuel it will be near impossible to farm.’ He raked a shaking hand through his hair. ‘Then there’s everyone who relies on the estate for their livelihood or produce… We can’t let them down.’
I shook my head in horror. ‘This is because of your mother and the register? And you’ll be noted too…’
He nodded, his shoulders slumping.
‘Can’t your father do anything about it?’
‘He’s done everything he can. Now that Mutti’s status is official, it’s difficult for his contacts to step away from the party line.’
I paced around the room. ‘I wish I could do something.’
‘Smile and be nice to our contacts at your party,’ he said bitterly. ‘Vati has to stay friendly with them for all our sakes. Just don’t tell my parents that you know. They want your birthday to be perfect.’
My gaze fell on the white embroidered pillowcases on the bed and I remembered the many times that Tante Elya had tucked me in next to her, murmuring words of comfort and singing Russian lullabies after I’d woken in terror from the continuous nightmares of the car accident. By the time I was ten, the dreams grew less frequent and I learnt to muffle my sobs so as not to wake her. But Leo, in the next room, often woke and came into my room to comfort me, his arms encircling me to stop my shaking. The warm weight of him against me and the rhythmic rise and fall of his breath always lulled me to sleep.
I nodded, understanding what I had to do. Still shaken, Leo stared at me a moment, his face pale. Before I could offer him comfort, he turned abruptly and walked away.
The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur. Tante Elya kept me busy, but all I could think about was what Leo had told me. It was bittersweet to think that Tante Elya and Onkel Georg loved me so much that they didn’t want to spoil my birthday with such devastating news. And yet it felt so wrong to be having this party, but I’d promised not to utter a word. Somehow I found myself down at the kitchen.
‘They’ve been trying to hide it, but Frau Hecker’s status is common knowledge in the village.’ I stopped short at the kitchen door and stepped back into the shadow.
‘People are beginning to feel resentful,’ the female voice continued. ‘Young Leo lives in the lap of luxury, safe and sound at home while our sons are fighting and dying on the Eastern Front. His mother comes and goes as she pleases like the Queen of Sheba, but I don’t see any yellow star on her clothing. It’s as if they’re untouchable.’ I held my breath, astonished. It wasn’t a voice I was familiar with, perhaps a casual kitchen hand come to help over the weekend.
‘If it wasn’t for the work they provide the village, I don’t think many would come tomorrow night. People are feeling nervous about being associated with them, especially with all those Nazis hanging around on the weekends.’ I pressed my hot cheek against the smooth plaster wall, my chest tight with fear.
‘How can you say such things? Gut Birkenhof has always provided for this community, no matter the cost to the Hecker family. They’ve always been good to us.’ A warm glow flowed through me, easing the tension. There was nobody like Frau Kraus. When I’d arrived as an orphan, she’d lavished care and love on me. She was ferocious in her defence of those she loved. ‘Frau Hecker can’t help who her parents were. You know Herr Hecker’s a good man and a hard worker. They don’t deserve what’s happened to them. Wouldn’t you do anything in your power to protect your family? It’s time we support them in return.’
‘We have to abide by the laws whether we like it or not,’ said the other woman. ‘Why should they be any different?’
‘You haven’t been in this village long enough to know how much this family has done for us,’ said Ida, our longstanding housemaid. ‘Herr Hecker has always brought jobs and money into the district. Good teachers come to teach at the school, our elderly and ill are well looked after and we all share in the good fortune of the estate. We can’t just abandon them when they have their own troubles.’
‘That’s right,’ said Frau Kraus. ‘Now I don’t want to hear any more about this nonsense. We have too much work to do and I want everything just right for Fräulein Susanna’s day.’
The banging of pots and pans followed and when I felt sure that the conversation was over I walked into the kitchen.
‘Ah, you’re home!’ Frau Kraus smiled broadly and wiped her floury hands on the tea towel over her shoulder. Suddenly I was enfolded in her warm embrace, the comforting smells of cinnamon and spice wafting from the apron that only just covered her ample frame. I felt like I was a little girl again, safe in her cosy domain.
She drew back and frowned. ‘What’s wrong?’
I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘Nothing. It’s just been a long week.’ I glanced at the new kitchenhand, washing pots on the other side of the room, her back to me.
Ida stopped on her way out the door. ‘Fräulein Susie, your dress for tomorrow is ready and hanging in your room.’
‘Thank you, Ida,’ I said, feeling suddenly exhausted. The last thing I wanted to think about was how all this expense was for me.
‘Is that all?’ Frau Kraus peered into my face.
‘Well, to be honest, I’m a bit overwhelmed by all this.’ I gestured to the baking in progress. ‘I didn’t want any fuss.’
Frau Kraus took me by the shoulders. ‘Now listen to me, herzchen. I know there’s a lot going on, but it’s Elya’s way of showing you how much she loves you. Let her do it. Forget all your troubles for one day and enjoy yourself. That’s what she wants to see. That’s what we all want to see.’
‘I don’t know if I can.’
‘Of course you can. Take the moments of joy whenever you can get them. They’ll sustain you through the difficult times that are a part of life.’ She kissed me on the forehead. ‘We’ll all enjoy tomorrow’s celebrations because who knows what the next day will bring with this war. Promise me you’ll do the same.’
‘I promise.’ She was right. And it would give Tante Elya so much joy to see me carefree and happy.