Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  ‘About two months.’ Tears blurred my vision as I told her about Julius’s joyful reaction, the wedding, Kreisleiter Mueller and his revelations and my confrontation with Julius. ‘The wedding’s in a month, but first I have to tell Onkel Georg and Tante Elya that I’m getting married… and Leo,’ I said softly.

  ‘What about Leo?’

  ‘He’ll be furious when he finds out I’ve decided to stay with Julius.’ I shut my eyes, tears sliding down my face. ‘But the baby changes everything,’ I said, my hand over my belly. Everyone had their own reasons for doing what they did and a way to convince themselves that their choices were the right ones.

  ‘Oh, Susie,’ she said, squeezing my hand sympathetically. ‘Just remember that I’m always here for you.’

  * * *

  That weekend, I went back to Gut Birkenhof to announce my wedding plans. I didn’t know how I was going to tell Leo, but my worry was cast to one side when Tante Elya announced she’d received a scribbled letter from Onkel Tedi.

  I found her standing by the front door, her face stricken. ‘It was a miracle he managed to send this. I didn’t expect to hear from him again.’

  ‘What does it say?’ I asked, dread swirling in my belly.

  ‘They were in the last transport to leave the ghetto. It’s empty, everybody’s gone.’ She stared at me with wide eyes. It was mid-October now, but who knew how long it had taken for us to receive the note.

  I took her arm, guiding her to the seat in the entry. ‘Did he know where he was going?’

  ‘Not Chelmno, like he thought in his last letter, but probably Auschwitz, further away from the Russian advance. He was happy that maybe he’d see Felix again, have his family all together in one place before he died.’ Her hands were shaking and the scrap of paper fluttered to the floor.

  ‘Tante Elya, I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, my arms around her.

  ‘The Russians are so close… my only hope is that they’ll liberate them before anything terrible happens.’

  ‘Mine too.’

  But still I wondered why the Red Army was camped outside Warsaw, allowing the Nazis to strengthen their position and dispose of their enemies, including the Poles and the last Jewish people in the ghettos of the east. What was in store for German citizens if the Soviets arrived on German territory and marched into Berlin before the Allies? Would they become new oppressors rather than our liberators? I couldn’t believe that was possible. They were Tante Elya’s compatriots and we were rescuing Soviet soldiers from the clutches of the Nazis. They were our saviours. And yet the thought refused to leave my mind.

  We arranged tea in the parlour, wanting to take Tante Elya’s mind off the letter. She seemed so happy to have us all together for the first time in ages, listening to Leo play Russian folk tunes on the balalaika and recounting stories of her youth. She was animated, her dark eyes flashing with joy and her expressive face conveying longing for her simple childhood and her homeland.

  Frau Kraus and I made a honey cake, Tante Elya’s favourite treat when she was a child. Leo made sure we had all the ingredients we needed from his black market connections. It was a success and her eyes shone with delight and fond memories, then closed in bliss with every forkful she took to her mouth.

  ‘Soon we’ll be sitting around the samovar talking about how good life is with the Nazis gone,’ she said, sipping her piping hot tea.

  ‘It can’t be much longer now,’ said Leo, putting down the balalaika. ‘The Allies have reached the German border at Aachen and soon they’ll be marching their way to Berlin.’

  ‘Yes, but what will happen in the meantime? Himmler’s Volkssturm is a disgrace, sending boys and old men to defend the home front,’ Onkel Georg said with disgust. ‘We’ve already lost a generation of young men and many of their fathers, and now young girls like Mina in the village are being called up to become flak helpers.’

  Mina was our housemaid Ida’s granddaughter. I knew Ida had recently left Gut Birkenhof to take care of her as Mina’s mother had been arrested for having relations with a foreign worker – it was now prohibited for Germans to fraternise with foreigners, particularly Poles and Slavs.

  ‘Vati, you’re getting a little morose,’ said Leo, looking pointedly at his mother.

  ‘I’m sorry, liebchen. I’ve been furious ever since I heard the news that the program has been launched. We were a country who prided ourselves on our honour. Where’s the honour in sending little children to war?’

  ‘It’s time to get the milking done, Vati,’ said Leo, standing up hastily.

  ‘Take Susanna to help you. I’m going to sit with your beautiful mother until dinner.’ Onkel Georg kissed Tante Elya’s cheek.

  ‘There’s the gallant gentleman I remember, just as handsome and kind as the day I met him,’ said Tante Elya, blushing with pleasure. She fiddled with the diamond engagement ring on her hand.

  ‘And you’re still the light of my life. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.’ He took her hand, gazing at the ring, and brought it to his lips.

  ‘Go on, the pair of you,’ said Tante Elya, smiling radiantly. ‘I’ll take any time I can get with your father. Maybe we’ll take a walk before dinner.’

  It made my heart clutch to see the love between them after all these years. I could only hope that Julius and I would be happy together… Then I winced. I still had to tell them about the wedding.

  ‘Tedi’s letter has shaken them both,’ I said to Leo, pulling on my boots in the utility room by the back door. ‘Everything’s so uncertain.’

  ‘It’s the everyday things that become precious, like spending time with those you love,’ he said softly, putting on his heavy coat.

  ‘The milking won’t wait.’ I stood abruptly. I couldn’t do this with him. I’d made my choice.

  ‘Susie, tell me what happened with Julius.’ He grasped my arm before I could turn away.

  ‘I’m staying with him, Leo.’ I sighed, exhausted from the constant pretence and layers of deceit. ‘It’s complicated.’

  He stood stock still in disbelief. ‘He lied to you,’ he snapped in outrage, ‘and I can almost guarantee that he’ll continue to be unfaithful to you.’ He shook his head and grimaced. ‘How can anything he tells you get beyond that fact?’

  ‘It can’t.’ My shoulders slumped. I was so tired. I wanted it all to stop.

  He rubbed his face in exasperation. ‘What’s the hold he has over you? There’s something you’re not telling me.’ He scowled but the desperation in his voice made my heart break.

  ‘It’s nothing.’ I tried to pull away, but he only drew me closer.

  ‘Susie,’ he beseeched, turning my head so that I would look at him. ‘I was wrong. I can’t live without you, much as I’ve struggled against it. I only wanted to protect you but I see that you’re a strong woman who refuses to be a victim of circumstance. If anything, you’ve been the one who’s protected me. Vati and I could be dead or in a concentration camp if it wasn’t for you that day with the Gestapo.’

  ‘It was Julius who discovered the threat to you, but I’d do anything in my power to make sure my family’s safe,’ I whispered, laying my hand on his cheek.

  Realisation dawned in Leo’s eyes. ‘That’s it. He’s promised to protect us if you stay with him.’

  ‘Leo, it’s not like that.’ I shook my head in frustration.

  ‘Then tell me how it is,’ he said brusquely.

  ‘It started as an arrangement.’ I couldn’t meet his eyes. ‘He offered to help after your mother was registered and we lost the government contracts.’

  ‘I bet he did,’ he snarled. Our faces were close. ‘What was his price? Did he make you sleep with him?’

  ‘No,’ I said angrily. I was furious that he was attacking Julius who was protecting our family, furious that he’d made me blurt out the truth, but most of all furious that he’d got to the heart of the matter so quickly.

  ‘Don’t lie to me!’ he said, shaking me by the shoulders as
though he could make the truth fall out of me.

  ‘It was never part of our agreement. He was completely honourable and then we got engaged and…’ I couldn’t do it anymore. ‘It was what he wanted. He loves me.’ But I was just like Julius, allowing something to happen that I wasn’t sure or happy about. I felt like a hypocrite for being critical of him.

  ‘And I pushed you away,’ Leo said. I nodded miserably, and he sat heavily on the hard bench.

  ‘It seemed a small price to pay for keeping you safe.’ I sat beside him, feeling washed out and empty.

  ‘How could you think that?’ He pulled me close and hugged me tight. ‘Leave him. He can’t protect us any more than we can protect ourselves.’

  ‘But if there’s any chance that he can, I can’t risk your safety, especially now after Onkel Tedi’s letter.’

  He shook his head with frustration. ‘Come home, and we can be together on the estate until this war’s over. Then maybe we can declare our love to the world.’

  If only it was that easy. I looked into his dark eyes, wishing that things were different. ‘Leo, I love you and you mean the world to me, but I can’t. I’m marrying Julius.’ Silently I willed him to understand before I said the two words that I knew would destroy him. ‘I’m pregnant.’

  The look of injury on his face was more than I could bear. He knew that I was lost to him now. I stood and walked to the door and out into the fading light.

  15

  About a week later, Julius and I were enjoying a rare lazy morning at the Adlon. We were the picture of happy domesticity, discussing the details of the wedding and our lives together. I refused to dwell on my conversation with Leo because every time I thought of it I wanted to cry. The look of desolation he’d given me was seared into my mind. I had never wanted to hurt him. The tragedy was that he was finally ready to act on his love for me, but it had come too late. My future was now with Julius and our baby and it made no sense to focus on what could never be.

  We both had fond memories of our childhood on Gut Birkenhof and spoke briefly about bringing up our child on my family property in Marienwerder. In six months, when I turned twenty-one, I would take legal possession of the estate, but we decided that it would be too far from the seat of the government in Berlin and from family. I wondered what condition the estate would be in by then and if there’d be anything to farm, especially if it lay in the path of the Soviet forces. Although we continued to receive wounded soldiers from the Eastern Front, where the Soviets had now penetrated Lithuania, Latvia and Hungary, the talk was of how the war had finally made its way to German soil with the arrival of the Allies in Aachen, near the German borders with Belgium and the Netherlands.

  We were finishing off a light breakfast of toast and marmalade and tea when we heard a knock at the door. I frowned at Julius.

  ‘Who can that be?’ Any urgent meeting at the ministry was usually telephoned through and we rarely got visitors this early.

  Julius shrugged. ‘We’ll find out soon enough,’ he said as he rose from his chair to answer the door.

  ‘Leo,’ I heard him say as the door closed and both men entered the sitting room.

  ‘What a lovely surprise. What are you doing here?’ I asked, noting his furious expression.

  ‘I’ve come to take you home,’ he said, his tone icy.

  I stood quickly and pushed my chair back from the table. ‘Why? What’s wrong? Is it your mother?’

  ‘Do you know your fiancé is involved with the murder of thousands of Jewish people?’ He was shaking with rage.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Julius, clearly shocked.

  ‘Leo, you’re mistaken.’ I touched him on the arm, trying to soothe him, but he was hard as steel. ‘Come, sit and have a cup of tea. Tell us what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I wouldn’t accept a single drop from him. He’s been to Treblinka and Auschwitz. He’s seen what they do there.’ His fists were clenched by his sides, but I could see by the set of his shoulders that he was ready to throw a punch.

  ‘I know, Leo,’ I said. ‘He was shocked seeing people coming off the trains at Treblinka. He had to inspect the lines there.’ I knew Leo despised Julius and wanted to protect me, but this was going too far.

  ‘Not just that.’ He shook his head in frustration. ‘He’s seen the gas chambers where they murder thousands of men, women and children every day. How do you think he was promoted to assistant secretary last year? He performed an important function in Krakau and the promotion was his reward for his service and his silence.’

  Julius’s face was red with fury. ‘How dare you come into my home and accuse me of murder!’ he bellowed.

  But I felt chilled to the bone. ‘Julius? It’s not true is it?’ I whispered.

  ‘Can’t you see what you’re doing to Susie?’ Julius put his arm around me. ‘Of course it’s not true, liebling, you know how I feel about what’s happening,’ he said to me, but I could feel every muscle of his body taut against me.

  ‘Lies are the only thing coming out of your mouth, Siebenborn,’ said Leo through gritted teeth. ‘I paid Mueller a little visit. He doesn’t like you very much, does he? He has copies of all sorts of interesting documents.’ He stood tall, triumph glowing in his eyes.

  ‘Leo, I asked you not to get involved,’ I whispered, sick to the stomach.

  ‘Don’t worry, Susie. He’s bluffing.’ Julius pulled me to him. ‘Leo, it’s time for you to go. I know you’re protective of Susie, but she’s my responsibility now, and we’ll be married within the month.’ He slid his hand down over my belly.

  Leo was shaking with contained rage, his eyes transfixed on the possessive hand on my stomach. I pulled away from Julius, not wanting to spark what was becoming an explosive situation.

  ‘Leo –’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Leo barked. ‘And I have the evidence right here.’ He reached into his pocket and unfolded a document. He held it out to me. ‘This is his signature, isn’t it?’ I couldn’t help but glance at the page. It certainly looked like a report from the Ministry of Transport – official stamp and all – with Julius’s distinctive signature at the bottom. I felt sick. ‘Mueller has the rest.’

  ‘What is this, Julius?’ I whispered, stunned. I took the page from Leo and thrust it into his hands.

  Julius grimaced. ‘I know what it looks like, but I swear to you I didn’t know what was happening. I was at Treblinka, inspecting the train lines and stations, like I told you. Then I was given a tour of the camp. I was horrified – shocked – but there was nothing I could do. The same happened at Chelmno and Auschwitz before I was asked by Ganzenmüller to write a report.’ Beads of perspiration had formed on his forehead and he was trembling.

  ‘And… you just accepted it?’ I couldn’t believe he’d said nothing and done nothing about something as monstrous as this.

  ‘You know I couldn’t have accepted it – and I still can’t – but opening my mouth would do nothing but create trouble for us. This is bigger than any of us, than any resistance group. I just thank God it will end when we lose the war.’ It was then that I realised the extent of his cowardice; Julius would never do anything that put him truly at risk. ‘I couldn’t tell you everything, Susie,’ Julius interrupted my thoughts. ‘I wanted to protect you from the terrible things that were happening.’

  The typescript on the document in Julius’s hand blurred. He’d known all along what was happening at the camps and had withheld it from me. I was swamped with horror. And then all of a sudden I was tired – so tired of trying to decipher what was the truth and what wasn’t.

  ‘Were happening?’ Leo shouted, glaring at him. ‘They’re still happening! I’ve seen Ministry of Transport reports of the numbers that have been transported to these camps each month. Mueller showed me. Reports sent on to the Reichsbahn so they can be paid their pound of flesh, literally, for the passenger fares… and signed off by you.’ He turned to me. ‘He’s involved with Ganzenmüller in secret mee
tings across the ministries that plan and organise the next transports of Jewish people for relocation.’ He laughed, mirthlessly. ‘They call it resettlement, but we all know what it really means. He has to take responsibility for what he’s done.’

  My eyes widened and I began to tremble with shock, unable to believe there was more, unable to believe that Julius was involved.

  ‘After everything I’ve done for your family, this is how you repay me.’ Julius’s face was purple and he stepped towards Leo menacingly. ‘If you don’t watch yourself, you’ll end up in one of those camps. Not even the love I bear for your father or Susie will protect you.’

  ‘Julius! You don’t mean that,’ I said, horrified.

  ‘Are you threatening me?’ Leo rose to his full height, his fists ready.

  ‘I’ll make it clear for you so there’s no misunderstanding.’ They were nose to nose now. ‘If you cause any more trouble, or even come anywhere near Susie and I before we’re married, I’ll send you there myself.’

  ‘Enough!’ I screamed. ‘Both of you!’ My heart pounding in my chest, I yanked Leo by the arm, towards the door.

  Leo resisted, his eyes wild. ‘You heard him, Susie. He wants to send me there too. He’s just like the rest of the Nazi scum.’

  ‘Get out!’ bellowed Julius. ‘Before I do something I’ll regret.’

  Leo reached for my hand. ‘Come on, Susie, let’s go.’

  ‘She’s not going anywhere,’ hissed Julius. ‘She belongs here with me.’

  ‘You? You’re no better than a cold-hearted killer. She’s coming home with me.’ Leo grabbed my arm.

  Much to my astonishment, Julius burst out laughing. ‘Susie knows a good thing when she sees it.’ He held out his hand to me. ‘Come, liebling. Leo’s leaving.’

  I was quivering – surely I was in the middle of a nightmare that I’d wake up from any moment. I shook my head. ‘How could you be part of this travesty?’

  ‘You know I’m not a murderer. I want to help stop the senseless killing of people by the Nazis. You know I would do more if I could.’