But Julius was a man I didn’t recognise anymore, a man I didn’t want to be anywhere near. ‘Can’t you see? You’re a Nazi. You’re one of them.’ The secrets, his son and mistress, were one thing, but how could I stay with a man who’d not only known about the transporting of thousands of people to the camps in the east and the murder of so many innocents, but had been involved? It was too much. We’d have to find another way to protect Tante Elya and Leo.
There was only one choice for me. ‘I can’t stay.’
Julius stared at me as though I’d gone mad. ‘You can’t leave me,’ he said. ‘You’re pregnant with our child.’
The stunned look on his face made me resolute. ‘I’m not staying. Not after this.’
‘If you leave here, don’t come back,’ he growled, stepping threateningly towards me. ‘I won’t be able to guarantee your family’s safety.’
‘We’ll have to take our chances,’ said Leo, steadfast by my side.
I squeezed Leo’s hand gratefully. ‘Take me home to Gut Birkenhof.’
* * *
Tante Elya and Onkel Georg were in the study when we arrived home.
‘It’s over between Julius and me,’ I said flatly. ‘I know you think I’ll have a better life with him but I’m never going back. My place is here with you.’ I knew my eyes were red and puffy from crying but even with the looks of concern on their faces, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them any more. Leo had promised not to say anything about Julius’s involvement with the transport of the Jewish people until I was ready. I couldn’t believe Julius could do it while he was also protecting Tante Elya and Leo, but it also made me wonder how much of what he’d told me was real. How much had he really done to ensure my family’s safety?
Onkel Georg’s gaze shifted to Leo, who shook his head imperceptibly. He frowned and said nothing.
Tante Elya squeezed my hand in sympathy. ‘I’m sorry, myshka. Maybe it’s for the best.’
I nodded, a tear sliding down my face. ‘I’m going to my room,’ I murmured.
I placed my engagement ring on my dresser and didn’t come down to dinner that night, even ignoring Tante Elya’s knock on my door. I couldn’t face her just yet. My stomach churned every time I thought about what had happened and I always came back to the same conclusion. Julius had betrayed me and the immensity of what he’d done took my breath away. There was no way I could go back to him: even for the sake of Tante Elya and Leo, or for our child. I had no idea how I was going to tell Tante Elya and Onkel Georg that I was pregnant or how I was going to bring up an illegitimate child without a father. The thought made me nauseous with fear. But it was surely better than staying with Julius. I had gone against everything I believed in to be with him – my love for Leo, my hatred of Nazis, putting up with his lies and betrayals. I had allowed myself to be mesmerised by his lifestyle, his power and his charm. Now the blinkers had been ripped from my eyes and I was ashamed of what I’d done. How many times had I drunk champagne and feasted on lobster when I knew Jewish people were suffering in the concentration camps? While Julius knew what was happening there and was signing their transportation orders? I was nothing but a silly, naïve girl. Even as I tried to sleep – my body curled around the baby as if I could protect it from this terrible distress – I relived the morning’s confrontation behind closed lids. It was well into the small hours of the morning before exhaustion took hold and I finally found solace in sleep.
I withdrew into myself and moved through the next couple of days in a stupor. Despite the looks of worry and concern cast my way, everybody respected my privacy and left me to wander aimlessly about the garden or sleep through the afternoon and evening in my room. Night stretched out forever when I only had the silence and my own thoughts to torture me, until I slipped into an uneasy sleep, then woke unrefreshed to the sun already high in the sky, peeking through my curtains.
On this day, it was late morning when I woke, my head heavy and dull. It took a moment to remember why I was home and then the horror of the last few days came back to me. It was as if a dark shadow had attached itself to me and there was nothing I could do to escape it. But with a little distance, it seemed a little easier to bear. I could begin to accept the terrible facts and work out how to tell my family the truth.
As I was dressing, an awful cry broke the silence of the house, followed by sobbing. I stumbled down the stairs to find Tante Elya in the parlour. She was slumped in a chair with Leo standing white as a sheet and dazed beside her, a page in his hand.
‘What’s happened?’ I glanced from one to the other. ‘Is it Onkel Tedi?’
She shook her head. ‘It’s Leopold.’
My heart began to hammer.
‘I’ve received my letter,’ he said woodenly. He lifted his hand with the paper. ‘My National Labour Service Obligation. I leave in a fortnight.’ I felt light-headed. Not Leo.
‘It’s my fault,’ she sobbed. ‘If I wasn’t a Jew…’ A stab of pain sliced through me as I remembered Julius’s threats. What have I done?
‘It’s not your fault,’ I said, hugging her tight. I knew it was Julius, the timing was right, but I couldn’t tell her that it was my fault. My eyes met Leo’s but I saw no accusation there, only grim acknowledgement.
‘Go and find Georg, as quickly as you can,’ Tante Elya said, patting my shoulder. ‘He’ll know what to do.’
* * *
Onkel Georg went to see Julius at the ministry that same day. Julius had refused to see him, so he’d waited in the foyer of the Adlon and confronted him there. Onkel Georg said Julius had seemed stricken when he told him he was unable to help Leo, but his regret didn’t help us. He denied our engagement was over but Onkel Georg had told him that, as far as I was concerned, we were finished and if he refused to help Leo that their friendship was over too. I wished I’d been there to watch Julius squirm under his fury.
Onkel Georg had failed, but I had to try. I left on the bus to Berlin early the next morning. Tante Elya knew where I was going. Onkel Georg and Leo would have tried to prevent me, told me that it was a pointless exercise. Men had their pride, but I was willing to forgo mine if it secured Leo’s freedom.
Arriving at the Adlon, I prayed that Julius hadn’t left earlier than usual for the ministry. I let myself in, my heart pounding so much I felt I would faint. I could hear movement in the bedroom.
‘Julius?’ I called out hesitantly. I wasn’t sure of the reaction I’d receive.
He strode into the sitting room, dressed in a shirt and suit trousers, his face a mask of cold indifference.
‘You’re back,’ he said stonily. ‘Are you here to beg my forgiveness?’
‘Julius, I can’t get past what you’re a part of, but I don’t believe you’re a bad man. Only that you’re unable to stand up to what’s wrong.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘I told you, my hands are tied. I don’t like it any more than you do. I don’t have the luxury to stand up and voice my repugnance for what’s going on. I’d likely lose my life and, if not, then certainly my career, and I’d never be able to protect your family. I could never have done both.’
‘But Leo… you promised to look after them.’ Tears were in my eyes. ‘What about Leo?’
He put his hand on my shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, Susie. He’s not the only one. A fresh round of recruitment is underway to boost our war effort, mischlinge mainly. As I told Georg, if he’s already received his letter then it’s too late.’
‘I know you can do something about the names on those lists, about who goes or doesn’t go on those trains.’
He stepped away and shook his head in irritation. ‘It’s his service obligation, the same for all citizens of the Reich. He should see it as an honour to be helping our war effort. He’s doing something useful for his country, just like the rest of us.’
I looked up at him through my tears, appalled. ‘Julius, you know it’s not the same. He’s being sent to a labour camp – imprisonment.’
‘It’s a work ca
mp, somewhere for recruits from all over the Reich to stay while they work on a project. Nothing more,’ he said dismissively.
‘Nothing more than Nazi lies and deception, you mean,’ I hissed. ‘That’s exactly how it started with the Jewish people – now it’s the mischlinge.’
Julius was a politician through and through, hiding behind his words, and that made me afraid. I tried another tack, reaching out to touch his arm. ‘Julius, I can’t lose him like I lost my parents and Friedrich. You know what it’s like to lose your family.’
‘Don’t you understand?’ he said, turning, his eyes blazing. He shook me by the shoulders. ‘If I really wanted to see harm come to him, I would’ve arranged for him to be transported to Auschwitz.’
I gasped, stunned by the truth of what he’d done. But I had to do something, appeal to his sense of family to make him see reason and undo it. ‘But we both know what happens now. The chances of him coming home are next to none. Tante Elya and Onkel Georg will never get over it.’
‘If he does what he’s told and keeps his head down until the war’s over, he should be fine. After that, who knows what will happen to any of us.’ He sighed, wiping away my tears with the ball of his thumb as I stood there trembling. ‘We’re a family now. Nobody else matters except you and the baby.’ He put his hand on my belly. ‘Georg and Elya have so much to look forward to: a wedding and a new baby arriving before too long. Our child should be the focus now.’ I stilled at his words. ‘Now, if you’re staying, I’m willing to put all this unpleasantness behind us.’ He smiled, as though he’d just concluded a difficult piece of negotiation in his favour. I felt like a piece of carved marble, cold and lifeless.
It was then that I understood. This was what Julius had always wanted: to be the centre of Onkel Georg’s family. He was jealous of Onkel Georg, who had had parents, a wife and people who loved him. Julius felt Georg had been handed wealth, a good name and the family estate on a silver platter. Julius wanted to be the most important, most valued and most loved member of the Hecker family and our marriage and child was the way he would achieve it. Leo had got in the way. Julius had removed him and wasn’t going to lift a finger to help him. All the choices I’d made, all the compromises, all my sacrifices: they’d all come to this. I’d helped remove Leo.
I swallowed. One more try. ‘That depends.’ The dangerous glint in his eye made me pause. ‘Are you going to help Leo or not?’
Julius frowned, his eyes still dangerous. ‘You belong to me. Our child binds you to me forever.’ His expression was triumphant. ‘You’ve got nowhere else to go.’
‘Please, for the love of God, Julius!’ I cried out. I was out of my mind with fear. I had nothing else to lose. ‘I’ll do anything you want, Julius. Just help Leo.’
His face was against mine. ‘Leo? It’s always about Leo. But you forget – your allegiance is to me and our child.’ He twisted my arm so it was halfway up my back.
‘Julius, stop! You’re hurting me.’
He released my arm and pushed me away, so I stumbled and broke my fall on the edge of the lounge. ‘I think this conversation is over.’
‘I hate you!’ I screamed, lunging at him. I wanted to scratch his eyes out. ‘You’re nothing but a coward.’
He hit me across the face, my head snapping back with a searing pain and sending me sprawling to the floor. Stunned, I placed my hand on my cheek, feeling the burning heat rising. Then I lifted my hand and saw blood.
‘You bastard! How dare you!’
‘How dare I?’ He stepped towards me and I shuffled back hastily on the floor. ‘How dare you place us in this precarious position? We had everything and you’re the one who’s ruining it.’
I scrambled to my feet, afraid.
‘You will stay here and we’ll be a family whether you like it or not.’
I edged towards the door, trying to work out if I could get to it before he’d reach me. ‘I won’t. I regret the day I ever agreed to your arrangement.’ I was shaking in fury. ‘You think you can play around with people’s lives. You’re no better than those Nazi thugs,’ I spat at him with all the venom I could muster, and then ran for the door.
But he was fast. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me back across the room. ‘You might think that of me now, but I’m the father of your child. If you do anything more to jeopardise our relationship I will come after you with the full force of the law behind me and take our child from you.’ He threw me against the wall, the impact jarring my spine and winding me. I slid to the floor, gasping. ‘Then you’ll really know what I’m capable of. I’m your fiancé and soon I’ll be your husband. Don’t you forget it.’
He left the room and returned a moment later with his suit jacket and tie. ‘I expect you here when I get back.’ His look of utter contempt made me shrink further to the floor and then I heard the door slam behind him as he left the suite.
Shaken, I got to my feet, my head aching. I straightened my clothing, cleaned up my bleeding nose and a cut inside my lip and applied makeup over my cheek. I removed the engagement ring from my pocket with trembling hands and placed it on the table. I left without a backwards glance, and yet fragile as glass. I desperately wanted to slip into the little Opel still parked in the garage, but instead walked briskly through the lobby and waited for the doorman to hail me a taxi to the bus station.
As we pulled out onto the Unter den Linden, I allowed myself to breathe but I couldn’t cry. Not now.
16
Tante Elya met me at the door. My head was throbbing, my face was sore and my back had begun to hurt on the journey home. I knew I’d have some bad bruises when I dared to look.
‘He wouldn’t do a thing.’ I bent my head. ‘I’ve failed.’
‘We knew it was a slim chance.’ She took my face in her hands and made me look at her. I winced. ‘What happened?’ Her expression almost made me break down. ‘Julius did this?’ I nodded, tears filling my eyes and she hugged me close. ‘Oh, myshka!’
‘It looks a lot worse than it is.’
‘He’s finally shown his true colours.’ She gathered me into her arms. ‘Come, let’s get you inside. You never have to see that man again.’ My tears fell then.
Frau Kraus plied me with salves and ointments for my injuries while Tante Elya made me tea. My body ached when I woke the next morning, and as I slowly stretched I gasped with pain. The events of the previous day came tumbling back like a nightmare. I made my way to the bathroom and stripped, staring into the mirror, appraising my condition. Dark purple bruises rose fresh against my pale skin, vivid reminders of what had occurred. Gently probing with my fingertips, I felt along my cheekbone, the flesh tender and puffy, and then to my sore scalp and the back of my head where a sizeable lump remained. My tongue lightly explored the inside of my cheek and lip and found the slightly silvery taste of the small swollen wound where my teeth had penetrated. I shuddered as I recalled Julius’s violent rage, but I had left him and I was essentially intact.
But then the cramping in my belly began. Frau Kraus was the only one I could confide in as the clutching pain continued. Then the blood came.
‘Bedrest,’ said Frau Kraus. ‘If the bleeding stops the baby should be fine.’ The shock of Julius’s betrayal had prevented me from really considering how I was going to raise a child on my own. And now it seemed I might never get the chance.
Once Frau Kraus had me tucked up in bed, raspberry leaf tea by my bedside, she looked more closely at me, frowning at the bruises blooming on my face and arms.
‘Do you think it’s why I’m losing the baby?’ I hiccoughed, crying again.
‘It’s all right now, herzchen,’ she said, patting my hand. ‘If Georg ever gets his hands on Julius, heaven help him.’ I nodded, wiping my tears away. ‘This could be his doing, but you’ve also suffered a terrible shock with Leo’s letter. Early pregnancy can be uncertain like this, even in the most perfect conditions. Rest now.’ She kissed my forehead. ‘I’ll get some more ointments for those bru
ises.’
I nodded, grateful for her love and devotion, the tears welling once more.
But by the end of the day it was all over. I’d lost the baby.
‘Perhaps it was for the best,’ said Frau Kraus gently and I could only nod numbly.
The shower was the only place I felt free to release the torrent of emotion inside me. Under the gentle rain of warm water flowing over my head and skin, I sank to the bottom of the bathtub sobbing. My whole world had turned upside down in a short space of time and all the hopeful plans and expectations had come to this – betrayal, loss and heartbreak. It was then that I realised that Julius could never have stopped the Gestapo if they’d decided to go after my family. I’d been naïve to think that he was so powerful. As it turned out, he wouldn’t protect Leo, and Tante Elya was still protected by marriage. I felt like a fool. I’d sold my soul for nothing.
The following afternoon after milking, Leo brought up a pot of tea to my room from Frau Kraus. I was up and about, with strict instructions from Frau Kraus to take it easy. I was resting before dinner, watching the sun set from my bedroom window. I had telephoned the hospital to let them know I was unwell, and had managed to organise some leave. By now my face had bloomed to a deep shade of blue and Leo was anxious to make sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed.
‘Stay with me,’ I said, smiling sadly. ‘I’ve missed you, and I don’t want to waste precious moments like these.’ We had fallen into our easy manner, like old times, now that Julius was no longer an impediment between us. The knowledge that Leo might be taken from me forever also spurred me on.
He nodded and sat beside me, the sinking sun casting a soft glow across the fields of barley, the birch trees shimmering silver and gold in the light.
‘Thank you for what you tried to do for me.’ He lightly traced the bruise across my cheekbone. ‘I’m sorry for what happened to you. I feel responsible.’
‘It wasn’t your fault. You only opened my eyes to what Julius is truly like… I was such a fool.’
Letters from Berlin Page 22