‘And the baby?’
I shook my head. ‘I lost it, Leo.’ Tears welled in my eyes.
He was silent for a moment, then whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’ He squeezed my hand. ‘I worried when you didn’t come down yesterday and Frau Kraus was in and out to you. Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine. She made sure of it.’
‘He’ll pay for what he’s done.’ He poured the tea, his face creased in anguish.
‘I don’t want you or your father going anywhere near him. Julius can’t hurt me anymore. There’s nothing holding me to him now. I’m never going back.’ I cupped his face, his skin soft and warm under the rough stubble. It felt natural and effortless to be this close with him, unlike Julius. There was no doubt in my mind that my feelings for Leo were real. They felt right and rang true in a way that my feelings for Julius never had. ‘Julius can wait. The more pressing matter is you. What are we going to do?’
‘What we must,’ he said simply, passing me the cup.
‘We have to get you out of Germany,’ I said, sipping the fragrant mint tea. ‘Everything’s in place with the Russian escapes, surely we just have to activate a plan.’ Leo was due to leave in two weeks.
‘No, Susie. I have to go. I have to honour my obligation. It’s the only decision I can make.’
I banged the cup down. ‘You don’t! You can’t just accept this.’
‘Think about it. If I don’t present myself, what do you think will happen? They’ll replace me with somebody else, but even worse than that, they’ll come after Mutti and, if they can, after Vati and you. I won’t have that.’
‘We’ll all go,’ I said, clutching his arm.
‘You know we can’t all get away safely, and if we did, what about those we leave behind? Hans, Frau Kraus… the list goes on. They’ll be questioned, tortured even. There are too many lives at stake.’
‘But I can’t lose you.’ I began to tremble at the thought.
His arm was quickly around me. ‘It will be all right,’ he whispered.
‘How can you say that? I won’t lose you, I can’t.’ I broke down and sobbed. ‘It was one thing not to be with you or even have you in my life. I could live with that if I knew that you had your freedom.’
‘I’ll come home once we’re liberated.’
I looked into his earnest face. ‘But, Leo, you have to survive until then.’
‘The Nazis won’t kill us while they need us to carry on with the war effort.’
‘But what happens when the Nazis know they’re beaten? What happens to you then?’ I grasped his hand and held it tight. Images of overcrowded cattle cars and people sent to their deaths rushed through my mind. ‘We have to get you out of here, it’s the only way.’
He brought my hand to his lips and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. ‘It’s a work camp, Susie. We have a good underground network in place. I’ll let you know where I am. Hard work won’t kill me, but running away might kill all of you.’
‘Your father’s contacts?’
He shook his head. ‘We’ve exhausted all the options. There’s no way out. If anyone was going to help, they would already have done it. Don’t cry,’ he said, wiping my tears. ‘The war will be over before long and I’ll be home again.’ He kissed my wet face and then my mouth.
‘Promise,’ I said shakily. ‘Promise me you’ll stay alive and come back to me.’
‘I have so much to live for. I promise.’
* * *
I couldn’t avoid Onkel Georg for long. He joined us in the parlour before dinner and insisted on knowing why my face was battered. He leaned forward in his chair aghast after I told him.
‘He’s been lying to her from the start,’ said Leo, his anger barely contained. He was standing behind me in support, as though to protect me from any further harm. ‘He’s involved in transporting Jewish people to the eastern ghettos and camps.’
‘Is this true?’ Onkel Georg’s bushy eyebrows rose in astonishment.
I nodded. ‘He promised me that he could protect Leo and Tante Elya, but he hasn’t, has he?’ Bile rose to my throat, hot and bitter. I saw the realisation on Tante Elya’s face, as if she had suspicions that were being confirmed. Then I told them all of it – Julius’s baby, his mistress, even my miscarriage – and felt an enormous weight lift from my shoulders. I’d been hiding the truth and keeping secrets for so long it had become unbearable.
Onkel Georg looked stricken. ‘I’ve failed you,’ he said, pushing a trembling hand through his thinning hair. ‘To think that I believed I could trust the Nazis if I befriended them and gave them generous gifts… Vipers, all of them! And Julius is the biggest hypocrite of them all. If I’d known this yesterday when I saw him…’ He slammed the side table with his fist.
‘It’s all right, Vati,’ said Leo, stepping towards his father in alarm.
‘No, it is not. Everyone’s abandoned us and I can’t even protect my own family… None of you.’
‘Not everyone’s abandoned us, Vati,’ said Leo. ‘We still have all our friends in the resistance. We’ll fight on.’
Onkel Georg stood abruptly, walked stiffly to the drinks cabinet and picked up the cognac he’d been saving for my wedding day. ‘I have work to do.’ We watched in silence as he stiffly left the room.
‘I’m sorry, Tante Elya,’ I whispered, feeling very small inside.
‘He just needs time to digest everything that’s happened.’ Leo squeezed my shoulder, his face unreadable as he stared after his father.
‘I wish they’d take me instead,’ Tante Elya muttered, dabbing her moist eyes with her handkerchief. ‘It’s my fault that you’re all in this situation in the first place.’
‘No, Mutti. I’m fit and strong, a good worker. I’ll manage until this war is over. You and Vati have to look after each other and keep things running here. Susie’s promised to come home as often as she can to help while I’m away.’
She grasped his hand across the lounge. ‘I’d rather you leave Germany and have a chance. You’re young with your whole life in front of you. I’ve had my time. I’ll take your place.’
‘No, Mutti. It’s not how it works and you know how it would risk everyone else.’
Her shoulders slumped in defeat. ‘If Susanna can’t persuade you then nobody can.’ I’d already told her about our conversation. She nodded, sadly. ‘Well, if you’re sure and your decision’s made, we have much to talk about before you leave.’
I spent the next few days with my family. The Red Cross had approved my request for two weeks leave from the hospital. There was still work to be done around the estate and while Onkel Georg wanted to attend only to the essentials, Leo insisted that they get as much done as they could before his departure. They spent hours out on the farm and Leo later told me that, while they worked, they discussed the resistance and the contacts that might be useful to him wherever he ended up. I helped Frau Kraus and Tante Elya in the kitchen, making butter and cheese and picking the autumn vegetable and fruit harvest, storing carrots and beetroot in the cellar and preserving apples, early pears and white cabbage as sauerkraut. We enjoyed time as a family too, walking in the garden and, as I became stronger, through the forest, picking mushrooms and bagging rabbits with Leo, as we had when we were younger. For the first time in many years Onkel Georg sat with us in the parlour after luncheon and dinner rather than heading back outside or retiring to his study. Leo joined us too, although I felt sure he’d rather be out working than sitting around where he had time to think. Tante Elya would talk about old times, going through photo albums of when we were children and reminiscing. Onkel Georg even shared stories of his childhood in Dortmund and summers spent on the family property, Gut Matildenhof, with his older brother whose sons had perished on the Eastern Front.
I prayed that the safety Leo’s status had afforded him wouldn’t now be the cause of his demise. He had to survive until the end of the war.
‘I’m so worried about him,’ said Tante Elya one af
ternoon when Leo had gone to have a beer with Hans. I’d seen the look on his face. He’d had enough of his parents’ constant worry, and probably mine too.
‘I’ve made contact with another network in the resistance,’ said Onkel Georg, lighting his pipe. ‘As soon as I can find out which project Leopold will be transferred to, I can have my people keep an eye on him. He’s safe as long as he’s on a work detail. It’s not a concentration camp.’ We had no doubt about the atrocities that occurred in concentration camps, especially the death camps.
‘We can’t lose him now. After everything we’ve done.’ Her lips were pressed together in a straight line as she stared down at the darning in her hands.
‘We won’t, Elya. I won’t let that happen.’
She nodded, straightening her back before bending her head to her fine needlework once again. Onkel Georg and I just looked at each other, a silent agreement between us. It was up to us to keep this family together.
* * *
Frau Kraus was the only household staff member who remained and, under her watchful eye, I accompanied her to the village store to help carry home necessities we couldn’t produce on the estate, like the small rations of flour, sugar and assorted household items.
‘Adelina, you’re not still shopping for that lot, are you?’ a voice called out in the store.
Frau Kraus turned to the scowling face of one of the local women. I was browsing among the near empty shelves and she hadn’t seen me.
‘What lot is that?’ asked Frau Kraus, pulling herself to her full height, which was a somewhat intimidating sight.
‘That lot up in their castle at the estate. Not so fancy now, are they?’ she sneered. ‘I hear that boy’s finally got what’s coming to him. About time he does his bit. All our men have.’
‘How long have the Heckers been good to this village? We’ve thrived because of Gut Birkenhof,’ retorted Frau Kraus. ‘They’ve always been part of this community. Now that times are tough, through no fault of their own, you want to abandon them, stomp on them and grind them further into the mud? You should be ashamed of yourself.’ My heart swelled with gratitude.
Most other people would have quailed at this verbal barrage, but the woman stood her ground, her chin defiantly in the air. ‘I wouldn’t say that too loud around here, Adelina,’ she said. ‘People don’t like that lot and if you don’t do the smart thing and jump from the sinking boat, you’ll drown with them.’ Frau Kraus turned back to the counter, ignoring her comments. ‘Jew-loving bitch.’
Frau Kraus rounded on the woman and was beside her in two strides. ‘What did you say?’
The woman stepped back. ‘You heard me,’ she said, moving towards the door. ‘I’d hate to see your husband in prison and that lovely home of yours go to some stranger.’
‘Get out of my sight.’ Frau Kraus advanced on her and the woman scrambled for the door, making a hasty exit.
‘Frau Kraus.’ I was by her side in an instant. ‘It’s all right. Come and sit for a minute.’
‘No, I’m fine.’ She shook her head, but she was pale and her hands were shaking. ‘I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see that.’
‘Don’t pay any attention to her, Adelina,’ said Herr Wenck, the shopkeeper from behind the counter. ‘She just lost her son and grandson this last year and I’ve not heard a kind word from her mouth since. Loss does that to some people; it makes them bitter and miserable.’ It was an inescapable truth that I’d seen for myself. War could bring out the best in people but it could also bring out the worst. Then there were those who accepted the status quo, like Julius. It all came down to survival.
Frau Kraus nodded. ‘I know. That’s why I didn’t say more.’
‘Does everyone feel this way?’ I asked tentatively. The mood of the village had been one of suspicion for some time, but now it seemed hostile, explosively so.
‘Most, but not everyone, Fräulein Susanna. Anyone with a bit of common sense left would know that none of this is their fault,’ he said, wrapping a package. ‘Frau Hecker’s a good woman and Herr Leopold’s a hard worker. Both of them were loved and respected before the Nazis arrived.’ He handed Frau Kraus the package. ‘Here, take this home and enjoy it. It’s on me.’
‘Thank you, Ernie,’ she said. ‘I don’t know where we’d be without people like you. Say hello to Erma for me.’
‘I will. Keep a good eye on them, Adelina. And, Fräulein Susanna, look after your aunt and uncle. They’re going to need you when their boy goes.’
‘Thank you, Herr Wenck, I will,’ I said, grateful for this man’s decency. But I was horrified that people who’d known us for most of their lives were now ready to lynch us or anyone else who stood up for our family. I knew it was partly driven by their own fear. They were worried that their previous association with us would mark them as targets.
‘I can’t believe how bad things have become,’ I said to Frau Kraus as we walked back home along the river.
‘Don’t worry, herzchen. There’s still plenty of support for your family. Your aunt and uncle aren’t alone.’
I squeezed her hand gratefully. The trees along the river were losing their leaves, their branches bare and vulnerable.
‘What will you do when Leo leaves?’ she asked. I closed my eyes briefly to shut out the pain, as if that was even possible. ‘I’ve seen how the two of you are together. When are you going to have the sense to see what’s in front of you?’
I nodded. ‘We’ve loved each other for so long but there’s always been something in the way of us being together. Now with Leo going, I don’t think either of us wants to leave things unsaid. We may never get another chance… if anything happens to him.’ I stopped at the edge of the river and tossed a stone across the water, watching it skip across the top until it disappeared beneath.
Frau Kraus nodded and put her arm around me. ‘Come, let’s get back. You’ll want to spend as much time with him as you can.’
* * *
Leo looked around the tiny wooden cabin. ‘This has always been our special place. I’m glad you suggested we come here.’
‘It’s our last night and I wanted to make it special.’ I couldn’t believe he was leaving the next day. I wished I could drag back the hours and days of the last two weeks, but I was grateful that I’d had the time with Leo. We’d become even closer while I regained my strength, reminiscing about old times during our walks in the forest. There was no denying our deep connection as we exchanged yearning glances and stole kisses whenever we could, our hands lingering. Leo was patient and gentle with me, holding himself back from the electric desire we both felt. But we knew without saying a word what was going to happen when I suggested we visit the cabin together.
The tiny table was laid with a cloth and set with two bowls and cups. A casserole dish sat in the middle next to a lit candle, a chunk of bread and a flask of tea. The fire we’d lit in the fireplace was burning slow and bright and would last all night. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for us. We’d spent the evening with Leo’s parents but had stolen away after they’d retired, with our little supper and extra quilts and blankets for the camp bed. I was well enough now for us to finish what we’d started three years earlier.
He took my hand in his. The candlelight illuminated his eyes, yet cast shadows across his face. But I didn’t need to see him to know how he was feeling. ‘I don’t know when we’ll have time like this again. Just you and me, with nobody else to tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing.’
A rush of emotion washed through me and I shut my eyes for a brief moment to steady myself.
‘We’ve wasted so much time,’ I whispered.
‘Then let’s not waste another minute.’
We undressed each other slowly in the firelight. I wanted to remember every tiny detail. It had been darker under the cherry tree and, despite the intensity of our passion that night, there had been no opportunity for slow, erotic seduction. Tonight, the shadows created by the soft light cloaked the
mysteries of his body and then revealed glimpses of the slopes and planes as he moved. I touched him, almost shyly, unbuttoning his shirt and removing it from his broad shoulders and long, sculpted arms. The closeness of him was intoxicating as I pulled away the last of his clothes, my hands skimming his firm buttocks and strong thighs. The brisk air in the cabin caressed my body and made my nipples stiffen as he released my dress and it slid to the floor. When I was finally naked, it was with pride that I stood before him. He may not have been the first, but he was the first and only one I would ever give myself fully to. My heart was bare, but it was filled with joy.
‘You’re breathtaking,’ he murmured, hands following the curve of my hips.
‘And you’re glorious,’ I whispered back. I reached up, resting my hands on his chest, resisting the desire to lean against him so we were skin to skin. I kissed him and he pulled me to him roughly. I wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to be closer still.
Our lovemaking was furious. Both of us had waited so long for this moment that when it happened we couldn’t contain ourselves, riding the crest of the surging wave with unbridled ecstasy and sliding into oblivion until we lay replete, tangled in blankets and quilts on the rough wooden floor.
He was so beautiful. His dark wavy hair, now untamed around his head, his chocolate brown eyes that gazed at me with such intensity I thought my heart would burst, the scratchy roughness of the day-old growth on his strong jaw, the high cheekbones that defined his oval face… And those full lips that I wanted to kiss forever.
‘A pfennig for your thoughts,’ I whispered, fingers tracing the line of his collarbone as he held me in his arms.
‘I don’t think I’m capable of much thought at the moment,’ he said, smiling slowly. ‘The only thought coming to mind is how wonderful you are.’
‘Wonderful?’ I echoed.
‘Well, I’d go as far as saying magnificent, but I’d like to reserve that statement until I’ve conducted a little more research.’ He grinned. ‘It’s a long while until morning.’ His fingers trailed up my arm then followed the contours of my body until he found the slippery wetness between my legs and the cabin melted from my mind. All that remained was Leo.
Letters from Berlin Page 23