Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  ‘Please, Susie, don’t. It’s for your own good. Lie back down before you fall down.’ The sight of tears in his eyes made me stop. ‘I know you hate me, but I promise you I’m trying to protect you.’

  The room was still spinning, but panic was building inside me too. ‘What’s going on, Julius?’ I allowed him to support my weight as he guided me onto the bed.

  He kneeled in front of me and took my hands. This time I didn’t pull away. A chill came over me.

  ‘Susie, very few have been brought out of the building alive and they were all in the first two days… There was a fire, making some of the bodies unrecognisable. They don’t expect to find any others alive now. Leo hasn’t been found in the building, at the hospitals, or anywhere. The authorities assume that he’s one of the dead.’

  ‘Leo’s dead?’ I stared at him. But people went missing all the time – I knew that for a fact. It didn’t mean they were dead. There was still a chance that Leo had been pulled out and was alive somewhere. I was right here, not far from our apartment, and alive.

  ‘We can’t know for sure, but the likelihood increases with each day.’

  ‘You’re wrong. He can’t be dead. Our life is just beginning…’ I pulled my hands free, unwilling to admit it could be true. But the horror was welling within me as a little voice of reason transported me back to that day and the weight of the building crashing towards the ground. Leo had been on the fourth floor and was likely dead upon impact. I swayed as the unthinkable hit me. If Leo was dead… how could I go on without him? I understood Tante Elya’s desire to go with Onkel Georg now, but I couldn’t give in to my overwhelming grief, even knowing I would never touch Leo’s beloved face again. I had our child to think of.

  Julius looked stricken. ‘You have to accept it, Susie. I loved Leo, despite what you might think. We were family. I’ve lost them too – Georg, Elya and Leo. You’re all I have left now. We have each other.’

  ‘No!’ I said, furious. ‘You have no right to grieve for them. Go away and leave me alone.’ I shoved him in the chest. I needed to be on my own. I wrapped my arms around the baby inside me as though I could protect it from all the harshness of the world.

  In the small hours of the morning I went into labour early, my waters breaking on the parquetry floor as I rose from the bed. The contractions started hard and fast and, counting the interval between the contractions, I knew the baby was coming soon. All I could think about was Leo and how he wasn’t here to welcome his child into the world.

  ‘Julius,’ I called out across the hallway. He was up in an instant and by my bedside. ‘The baby’s coming.’ He looked at me, horrified. ‘I have to get to the hospital.’ The pain in my belly and back was excruciating, like hot knives stabbing me, and I’d begun to bleed profusely.

  Julius took me to the municipal hospital in Pankow; there had been no time to go to the Charité. It was a quick birth but I didn’t remember much of it. I was haemorrhaging, light-headed and ethereal one minute, screaming in agony with the sheer effort the next, until the baby was born tiny and blue.

  ‘It’s a girl,’ said the midwife, before handing her to the doctor and nurses, who bent over her in concern. I lay back, exhausted but worried about how early the baby had arrived. If only Leo had been here.

  ‘She’s in respiratory distress,’ I heard the nurse say before a gush of warmth flooded between my legs.

  ‘I’m cold,’ I said weakly, my body limp with fatigue.

  ‘Doctor,’ the midwife at my feet called urgently. My baby was whisked away and the doctor and two nurses rushed to my bedside. It was like watching a film in slow motion.

  ‘Scheisse!’ said the doctor from a distance. ‘We have to stop the bleeding or we’re going to lose her.’

  ‘Leo, you have a baby girl,’ I whispered into the air, as I closed my eyes and drifted off into peaceful oblivion.

  26

  The doctor placed the stethoscope on my chest, listening to my breathing.

  ‘How long have I been here?’ I asked. I was on a hospital ward – a place of familiarity – but feeling disjointed and alone.

  ‘Weeks,’ said the doctor bluntly. ‘You suffered from separation of the placenta, sending you into premature labour. After you gave birth we couldn’t stop the bleeding. You’re lucky to be here. We didn’t think you were going to make it.’ He patted my hand. ‘But you’re strong.’

  I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak, almost transparent.

  ‘My baby. How’s my baby?’ I couldn’t lose her too.

  ‘She was born very early, and very small. She couldn’t breathe on her own and we don’t have the facilities to look after babies so premature here.’

  ‘So she’s at the Charité?’ I knew she’d need the incubator and oxygen tent we had there. It was a new, but expensive advance in neonatal medicine used in only a few hospitals across Europe. The Charité had been lucky to keep it when the Soviets began dismantling hospitals and taking valuable equipment back to Russia.

  He shook his head. ‘They didn’t have the medications she needed for her condition, or the penicillin if she developed pneumonia. Your husband made the decision to send her across to the Martin Luther Hospital in the American sector. It has an excellent reputation and they have everything she needs there.’

  My heart leapt. My husband! Leo was alive and well. ‘He was here?’

  ‘Of course. Herr Siebenborn has been by your bedside every day.’ He stood and nodded at the nurse.

  I closed my eyes briefly in disappointment and pain. Leo was dead. ‘And she’s still there?’

  ‘She’s doing well, I believe. Talk to your husband when he comes in. He’ll be able to tell you more.’ He picked up the notes at the end of my bed and flicked through the pages.

  I nodded. ‘When can I see her?’

  He frowned. ‘It’s hard to say. We had trouble with your blood clotting, causing multiple organ problems. We need to make sure you’re stable before you can be transferred to another hospital or released home.’ He looked up and smiled at me. ‘But you’re both alive and well. It’s a miracle really.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said.

  Julius was ushered in behind the closed curtain, dark rings under his eyes and his face haggard.

  He kissed me gently on the cheek. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Tired, but they tell me I’ll be fine. How’s my daughter?’

  ‘She’s beautiful… just like her mother. She’s breathing on her own now, feeding, putting on weight. She’s thriving.’

  I nodded. ‘I only wish Leo and his parents were here to see her.’

  ‘I know, but you’re not alone. I’m here.’ He sat by the bed. ‘I was worried I was going to lose you both.’ His eyes were misty.

  ‘I’ve named her Elena Christina, after both our mothers. She comes from a long line of strong women,’ I answered instead, choosing to ignore his comment. Leo should have been by my side, not Julius. I blinked my tears away. ‘Have they found Leo?’

  ‘No, but they haven’t been able to identify all the bodies yet.’ He kissed my limp hand. ‘I thank God every day for the miracle that you’re still alive. You’ve had more than your fair share of tragedy. Let me look after you.’

  I pulled my hand away. It was too much. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘I know you don’t love me, but let’s put the past behind us. I know Leo would want me to do what I can for you. Let me give you what he would’ve wanted for you. If we can get to a place of mutual respect, and maybe one day even affection, I’ll be a very happy man.’

  Julius wanted to prove that he was a better man, and all he had done for me since the building collapse showed he still cared. But I knew what he was – a man who said and did whatever he needed to get what he wanted. He still wanted some connection to his childhood at Gut Birkenhof and he still wanted his own family. I was his golden ticket. But I had to think with my head. Survival for my baby came first and I had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t stay with Marika in t
he nurses’ quarters with a child, and Frau Kraus and Hans could never afford to support me and the baby. Julius was still a long way from paying his debt to me and Leo and, although I would never trust him fully again, supporting Elena and I was the least he could do. I would give her all the love I had while Julius would provide the financial security she needed. Maybe I needed to let him do this for us.

  ‘Let me think about it,’ I said. ‘I know I have you to thank for sending Elena to the Martin Luther Hospital. You saved her life, just as you saved mine,’ I admitted. ‘But I want to go and see her before I make any decision.’ My arms ached for the feel of her little body, the fresh baby smell of her skin and the bright, clear eyes that would gaze at me for the first time.

  Julius’s gaze slid away. ‘You can’t, Susie.’

  ‘I know I have to wait until I’m better but it won’t be too long,’ I said, trying to sit up. Julius supported me while he placed pillows behind me, but I could see that wasn’t what he meant.

  ‘Julius?’ I said sharply. ‘What’s happened to Elena?’

  Julius pulled me to him and hugged me tight. ‘She’s safe and doing well. I wanted to bring her home with me but I couldn’t; there was nothing I could do.’ He shuddered against me.

  ‘What? Where is she?’ I pushed him away weakly.

  He shook his head, dazed. ‘Somewhere in the American sector. She’s been adopted by a family who can look after her. She needs constant care and nursing.’

  ‘What?’ I stared at him, incredulous. ‘She’s my child. She can’t be taken away from me without my consent.’

  ‘Susie, you have to understand – you were dying… I couldn’t look after both of you.’ His eyes were pleading with me. ‘I was making sure everything was being done to save your life… I knew the baby was doing well. But the staff insisted that she’d require regular treatment and follow-up at the hospital because she was so premature. I couldn’t bring her home when I was here with you all the time and I wanted her to have the treatment available at Martin Luther to ensure she’d grow and thrive. I was given papers to sign and I was so frantically worried about you that I signed without even realising what I’d done. Afterwards it was too late.’ He was pale, beads of perspiration on his forehead.

  The room began to spin and I shut my eyes, trying to force down the panic that threatened to overwhelm me. A roaring filled my ears, drowning out the familiar sounds of the ward as one thought consumed me. My baby was gone. I took a shuddering breath. But she still needed me and I was all she had left. I opened my eyes, ready to fight for her with everything I had. ‘How could you just let it happen?’ I snapped.

  ‘I was fighting for you… She’ll have everything she needs in the American zone, better than here.’

  ‘Fighting for me means fighting for my child. But you didn’t fight for her!’ I was shaking so hard, I clenched my teeth to keep myself from exploding.

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ His voice was full of anguish, but I didn’t care.

  ‘You’ve never stood up for anything in your life,’ I spat out. ‘You didn’t come home to face Onkel Georg when we got engaged, you didn’t step up to the plot against the Führer, you didn’t tell me the truth about Collette or your son until I found out, you didn’t fight for the Jewish people on those transports and in the gas chambers, and you sent Leo, the son of your best friend, to what you knew would be his death!’ My voice had risen with every accusation and now I was screaming, unable to control myself.

  I watched as his face fell briefly, unable to hide from the truth of what he’d done before it hardened once more. ‘But I fought for you, Susie, always.’

  ‘If you want me to believe that, bring my daughter home to me. I’m her mother and she needs me.’ I was frantic now, sobs racking my body.

  ‘I would if I could, but the red tape makes it impossible,’ he said.

  Something in me cracked and I screamed again, with the full force of my wrath. ‘If you won’t even try, get out! You’re nothing but a coward and a liar, a manipulative, egocentric opportunist just like Mueller. I don’t want to see you ever again. You’re a monster!’

  A nurse opened the curtain in consternation. ‘I’m sorry, Herr Siebenborn. You can’t upset my patient like this,’ she said sternly. ‘You’ll have to leave.’

  ‘Susie, please!’

  ‘She was all I had left.’ I turned away, my heart and body aching.

  He threw me one last beseeching look before the nurse pulled him away and the curtain closed behind him. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing except finding Elena.

  I asked the nurse looking after me to find Marika at the Charité. She was the only one I wanted by my side.

  The following morning the nurse was smiling as she opened the curtain. ‘She’s here,’ she said.

  ‘Marika?’ I whispered. Suddenly she was in my arms, trembling violently, our tears mingling as we clung to each other.

  ‘It’s really you,’ she said, dumbstruck. ‘You’ve been missing since the day your building collapsed. We all thought you were dead.’

  I couldn’t stop crying. ‘I’ve never been happier to see you. Oh, Marika, I’ve lost everything. First Leo and now the baby.’

  She stared at me, horrified. ‘What are you talking about? Leo’s been frantic to find you.’

  ‘He’s alive?’ My heart felt like it stopped for a moment. A wave of dizziness came over me and Marika’s voice seemed to come from far away.

  ‘He was pulled out of the wreckage on the second day. He had cuts and bruises but refused to get treatment. He went from hospital to hospital, looking for you. We searched everywhere for you… for weeks.’

  ‘I can’t believe he’s been out there all this time, looking for me,’ I said, stunned.

  ‘It’s no surprise you didn’t find each other. The rescue crews and hospitals here in the Soviet sector just can’t cope with disasters like this. Leo would’ve disappeared too if he’d been disoriented or had amnesia. It’s no wonder people go missing.’ She shook her head. ‘After a few weeks the authorities told us that you were most likely dead. There was a fire, and so many of the bodies were unidentifiable.’

  I nodded. ‘That’s what Julius told me about Leo, too. Then I went into labour…’

  ‘Julius?’ she said aghast.

  I told her everything that had happened, sobbing in her arms by the end of it. ‘Where’s Leo now? We have to get our daughter back.’

  ‘He left Berlin,’ she said quietly. ‘He thought he’d lost you and the baby and just couldn’t stay. He was so broken, Susie. He decided to emigrate to America like you planned, but Frau Kraus and I haven’t heard from him since he came to say goodbye a couple of weeks ago.’

  My elation warred with devastation. He was alive – it was more than I could ever have dreamed – but he had gone, unaware that I was still in Berlin and that his daughter and I needed him.

  ‘Where would he have gone? We were still waiting on the visa.’

  ‘Captain Snopov might know. Leo thought he might be able to help him… He might be able to help with Elena too,’ she said. She paused, clutching my hand. ‘How could Julius adopt her out?’

  ‘Because he thought I was dying,’ I said bitterly. ‘It was too hard for him to fight for Elena or think about how he would look after a baby on his own.’

  ‘He let it happen, just like the Jewish people who were transported east during the war. Once a Nazi, always a Nazi,’ she said shaking with fury. ‘After everything he’s already put you through.’ Marika went pale. ‘How hard did he look for Leo? He’s always wanted you all to himself. He would do anything to have you. It worked perfectly for Julius to separate you from him and then Elena.’

  A cold and heavy weight settled in my belly. ‘I went into labour only days after the collapse. But –’ I stared at her. ‘He allowed me to think Leo was dead and confirmed it again by offering to look after Elena and I when I woke up here in hospital.’ Marika grasped my hand, the enormity of what Julius had don
e hanging between us. ‘He nearly did it again,’ I whispered. ‘He nearly manipulated me into doing what he wanted… How could I be so stupid?’

  ‘If I ever lay eyes on him, I’ll tear him limb from limb,’ Marika said ferociously. She stopped at the look of desolation on my face. ‘But first we have to find Elena.’

  ‘Go to Captain Snopov,’ I said, my eyes narrowing with determination. There was no time for weakness. I had to gather every bit of strength I had left for the greatest fight of my life – to find the ones I loved. ‘He’ll be able to tell us where to start looking.’

  ‘We should tell him about Julius too.’ Her expression was defiant. ‘He has to pay.’

  I nodded. ‘It’s time Julius gets what’s coming to him.’ With Marika by my side, and with the knowledge that Leo was alive, hope burned bright once more.

  * * *

  All my energy went into getting well for the sake of Elena and Leo. I was never more grateful for Marika. She was my rock, and she quickly found Captain Snopov.

  ‘Vasily couldn’t believe that you were alive and wants to come and see you when you’re feeling better,’ she said. ‘He’s so fond of you and Leo.’

  ‘Vasily, is it?’ I said with a raised eyebrow. I was sitting up in bed, feeling a little stronger, and I’d even managed some breakfast.

  She grinned. ‘We celebrated your survival and returning health with a bottle of vodka. I couldn’t very well call him Captain after that.’ I clasped her hand and smiled. Friendship could spring up in the strangest of places.

  ‘Has he found Elena?’ I asked anxiously.

  Marika’s face fell and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. ‘No. Her adoption records are sealed. The way the law stands, there’s nothing he can do.’ The news hit me like a punch to the stomach and tears welled in my eyes. She squeezed my hand. ‘But there is some confusion between the zones and he’s going to speak to his legal team to see if there are any loopholes or precedence in the law. He agrees a travesty of justice has occurred and wants this righted as much for the reputation of his military government as for you.’