The Cautious Maiden

by Dawn Crandall

  I still could hardly believe he’d finally allowed himself to kiss me, yet his not joining the rest of his family inside the house and then never coming home for the night confused me. Was he mad at me because I’d wanted too much from him—more than he was apparently ready to give? Or was he angry with himself because his resolve had been broken? Perhaps he thought I would give in too easily before the wedding.

  I wouldn’t though. My resolve was strong.

  Not wanting to burst into tears at the breakfast table, I excused myself and hurried up to my bedroom, my sanctuary. And that was where I nearly lost my composure. Was this what my life would consist of now and forever? A husband who disappeared to only God knew where with no word of explanation?

  Being in love with Vance Everstone wasn’t something I ever would have thought possible, but it was undeniable. And it hurt. Because although he wanted me, he still obviously didn’t love me back.

  ***

  Vance still hadn’t come home by the time we were leaving for church. I’d calmed myself by then, and tried to convince myself that he simply already left Everstone Square by the time Dexter had sent someone there, because I really could not imagine him staying at Fairstone. It had been frigid inside the house even in mid-April, after having been shut up all winter long.

  I’d walked the four blocks to Trinity Church with Amaryllis and Nathan, with little Rafe in his tram, while everyone else took the carriage. Vance still hadn’t shown up by the time his entire family was congregated in their family’s pew at the church. I sat at the end of the pew, between Estella and the aisle near the windows since I’d been at the end of the line as we’d filed in. I’d also been dragging my feet a little, looking around, hoping to see Vance arrive.

  But he hadn’t.

  By the time the service had begun, I’d given up on him joining us. I didn’t know what I would say to him when I saw him again. I had too many feelings overwhelming me…between missing him, loving him, and wanting to strangle him.

  As I stood with the rest of the congregation and flipped to the page indicated, the massive pipe organ began and Vance slipped into the pew to stand beside me.

  And of course, the hymn we would be singing would be “Jesus Paid it All.”

  Of course, of course.

  “I hear the Savior say /‘Thy strength indeed is small; / Child of weakness, watch and pray, / Find in Me thine all in all.’” Vance’s deep voice resounded next to me, as I found myself whispering the words. My chest was too tight to sing.

  By the time I regained my composure, everyone had sung a few verses, and I started in with the first words of the next line before I realized which verse it was; “Lord, now indeed I find / Thy pow’r, and Thine alone, / Can change the leper’s spots / And melt the heart of stone.”

  I could feel Vance’s gaze on me; and out of the corner of my eye—because I couldn’t help but look—I saw him smile. I ignored him, turning slightly to the left, toward Estella, who grinned at the sight of her prodigal brother.

  When the hymn was finished, and right before we were to sit, Vance muttered, “Beautiful, as always, Violet.”

  I still wouldn’t look at him, though I could feel the air between us practically sizzle, charged with vivid memories from the night before. But so many thoughts and worries had bombarded me since then!

  Fortunately the service began as we sat down and I could ignore him—and constantly think of him—in peace, without having to answer whatever he’d meant by what he’d said. Did he mean me? Or my singing? Or both?

  As the preacher began his sermon, I found my eyes wandering until I spotted Ben Whitespire sitting at the other end of the long pew with Miss Abernathy and Roxy Blakeley. Recalling more of the night before than I should—especially during church—I tried to imagine Ben ever having such struggles regarding me. Although he’d never indicated any strong feelings for me, now I wondered if it was merely due to his mild personality. It wasn’t as if he’d had any competition for me in Laurelton. I was sure he’d never counted Vance Everstone as such!

  Ben and Vance really couldn’t have been more opposite if they had tried. Meekness versus volatility. And yet, even as I respected Ben’s mild manners, I was enigmatically pulled to Vance sitting beside me. And it wasn’t just because we were now engaged, or that we were inexplicably attracted to each other. I’d felt it long before anything more than two words had been passed between us.

  I didn’t want to believe the worst, that Vance had turned from kissing me for the first time to…whatever it was he used to do before he’d become a Christian. But I was afraid. Mostly for the survival of my heart if it were true. Where had he been if not at home? He’d said he would be faithful…but what if that only meant after we were married?

  I felt a tug at the skirt of my dress and tipped my head just enough to see that Vance had a hold of a small fold of the blue and white striped material. I shooed his hand and shifted over a little to the left, away from him.

  “And now, I’d like everyone to stand for the reading of the Word,” the preacher announced upon finishing the opening of his sermon. “Please turn to Romans chapter eight, verse one.”

  I stood, along with everyone else, and opened my Bible. Vance had his small, pocket-sized Bible open as he stood beside me.

  “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit….”

  And there I was condemning Vance before giving him a chance to explain himself. I hoped he would explain, that there really was an amazingly believable reason he’d been missing for an entire night.

  For the rest of the sermon, I had a hard time not condemning myself for passing judgment on Vance when I didn’t know anything for sure. My fears were pretty convincing though, and by the end of the service, my heart was about as lost as ever. I didn’t know what to think or believe.

  As soon as the congregation was excused and started to disperse from their seats, Vance grabbed my hand and squeezed in between me and the pew to better speak with Estella and Dexter.

  “I’m going to take Violet for a walk to the public gardens; but we’ll be home in time for lunch.” After telling them this, he then thought to turn to me, “Is that all right with you, Violet? There are things I’d like to—”

  “Of course. I’d love a walk,” I answered. Hopefully our time together would provide some much-needed answers.

  Upon gaining everyone’s approval, Vance led me to the back of the sanctuary and out the front doors of the church. Taking an immediate right, silently, arm in arm, we headed east back around Trinity Church—which was the largest, most elaborate church I’d ever seen. I couldn’t pull my eyes from the stunning architecture as we passed.

  “The park is about three or four blocks up Boylston from here; have you been there yet?” Vance caressed my arm through my dress as he guided me down the street. With each touch, every detail from the night before exploded into my memory, and I had to force myself from reciprocating his touch.

  “I’ve gone a few times with Natalia and Amaryllis, walking the babies in their trams. We go straight down the boulevard down the middle of Commonwealth Avenue.” When he didn’t comment, I added, “Where did you go last night?”

  “Well, first I came here.” He motioned toward the church with his free hand. “You probably haven’t met him, but my brother Nathan was mentored by a man named Grig Wellesley when he lived in Boston last year. Dr. Wellesley works for the church, mostly in the way of organizing ministries.”

  “I’ve never heard of him.”

  “Well, he’s my mentor now, and I needed a good dose of accountability last night, so he met with me.”

  “You spent the night at the church?”

  “I spent a good part of the evening in the sanctuary. And then I went to Fairstone for the night.”

  “But it’s been shut up, and it’s freezing—”

  “I started the process of having it reopened this week.”

&n
bsp; “Oh, I see.” I hoped that didn’t mean he’d be moving out permanently. I didn’t like the idea of being at Everwood without him.

  “Do you, Violet? Do you see how difficult it is for me to sleep, lying in a bed just down the hall and around two corners from where you’re lying in yours, just waiting for me?”

  “I’ve not been waiting for you to come to my—!”

  “Not literally.” He gave me a little smirk, obviously amused by my fierce response. “But it is about all I can think about when I’m in my room at Everwood. That’s why I stay out past dinner most nights. I wait until everyone has retired, and there’s no chance of seeing you as you head to your room. I can’t trust myself to not eventually follow you.”

  “I wouldn’t let you in.”

  “You say that, and you may believe that with your whole heart, but I know from experience how easy it would be to change your mind.” Vance squeezed my hand as it rested upon his arm. “It’s so much better if I simply don’t see you in the evenings.”

  I really didn’t have any way of responding. I remembered quite vividly how convincing just a kiss could be, and he was right. How could I trust myself to be strong when I didn’t know if I could be?

  “I need you to understand that I know what it’s like. I’m ashamed of how I’ve lived, but I also remember. I don’t know what I was thinking before all of this happened. There’s no way I would have lasted without marrying someone before long. And I’m glad it’s you.”

  I was too, most of the time. When he was open and honest and not shutting me out.

  We’d finally made it to the park, and Vance led me to a tree with wide, low branches reaching out along the ground; one at just the right level to sit upon. He helped me take a seat amidst the just-blooming branches, and then sat beside me.

  “So what did you want to talk to me about?” I asked.

  He swiveled slightly toward me on the branch, and took my hands in both of his. “I wanted to tell you that I’d compromised Meredyth. In actuality; it wasn’t a trick. And it wasn’t planned. It happened years ago, one of the summers while I was attending Harvard.”

  I let out a slow breath. That wasn’t so bad. I’d already known he’d done such things, I’d just never known it had involved someone so close to the family. And I was glad Meredyth now lived in Washington state. It would be ultimately easier that way. I would likely never see her again.

  “Natalia knew, but since there wasn’t a reason to get married, we didn’t at the time. But Mere and I both felt that we ought to, eventually. That was, until I found myself in France with a wife.”

  “And Meredyth fell in love with Lawry.”

  “Fortunately, yes.”

  Learning this about Meredyth was shocking, but it also seemed to lighten my perception of what the members of the Everstone family thought of me. If one of the their closest friends had been forgiven for such a thing happening in her youthful past, maybe they weren’t as secretly judgmental as I constantly feared, about how Vance and I had been forced to become engaged.

  “I forgive you, Vance.”

  “But that isn’t the whole story; there’s more.”

  That was when I suddenly recalled how he’d said he should have married someone, but hadn’t. Wouldn’t that have been Meredyth?

  “What is the whole story?” I asked, hesitantly.

  “My family is under the impression—because I allowed them to believe what they wanted last summer, that Wynn was Giselle’s daughter from a previous marriage. Because of her close relationship with Lawry and Meredyth, my family never really associated with her much, so it never occurred to them that she didn’t know a word of French.”

  “It never occurred to me either.”

  “I’m sorry that it seemed Estella lied to you at dinner about a month ago, right before all of this happened. But to her, it was what she’d been led to believe.” He stopped, and I looked into his face, waiting for more. “What I’m trying to say is Wynn is my natural daughter.”

  Sweet little Wynn. It made sense now, her dark features and the way he’d specifically asked about Lawry and Meredyth traveling back to Washington; the way he’d insisted she was better off with them, and how happy he’d been that I’d given her one of my books.

  “Where is her mother?”

  “She died over a year ago while I was still in France. I should have married her a long time ago—she was completely ruined because of me. I sent her money to live comfortably, and I wrote her letters. But I wasn’t paying close enough attention—since I was in Europe—and the attorney I had taking care of everything pocketed most of what I sent, leaving Olivia and Wynn destitute. I didn’t know, or I would have come home earlier and taken better care of them.”

  With every sentence he uttered, my thoughts—about everything—compounded, until I couldn’t keep anything straight, at least beyond the fact that hearing such sordid details straight from his lips was something I hadn’t been prepared for.

  “Olivia died of consumption and Wynn had been living on the streets when Lawry happened upon her.” Vance wouldn’t look at me now; instead, he stared off down Arlington Street toward Commonwealth Avenue. He did, however, keep ahold of my hands, which I was thankful for. I didn’t want him to shut me out ever again.

  “I should have married her,” he continued. “She’d been much like Ava Cagney once; attractive, charming, the belle of every ball, dozens of men after her hand in marriage. It surprised me she didn’t find someone to marry her, but now, I have a feeling she was holding out hope for me to change my mind, and then, eventually, it was too late.”

  Would I ever feel normal again? Instead of numb? I didn’t know what to think. And he had to live with the knowledge that this was his past, every single day. It was no wonder he was finally driven to the arms of Christ.

  “Do you still forgive me, Violet? Because I don’t blame you if you don’t. I’m hardly able to forgive myself most days.”

  I didn’t want my answer to come too easily, but there was also something bursting within that begged for me to forgive him. And oddly enough, through all the muck and mire, I still found that I loved him. I couldn’t help it, especially not after witnessing this bruised and broken side of Vance Everstone. And as I’d noticed before, his heart was indeed strong, to be able to become who God wanted after being who he’d once been took a strength of character that I couldn’t help but admire.

  “This is why you shut me out sometimes, isn’t it? Because you figured I would ultimately come to hate you once I knew the truth of your past?”

  He finally turned back to me and purposefully caught my gaze with his own. “Don’t you? Don’t you regret everything that’s happened between us? Don’t you regret that you’re stuck having to marry me?”

  “I don’t hate you, I don’t regret anything, and I still forgive you.”

  He stared at me, and I began to wonder if he’d heard me. But then he finally said, “And you still want to marry me?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not disgusted by the thought?”

  “No.”

  “You told your aunt that you hoped we’d have beautiful children. Was that true? Is that still true?”

  I blushed, thinking back to that comment. “I’ve always wanted a family, Vance, and, God willing, there will be children included in our future together. And I would be quite happy if they all turned out as splendid as Wynn Hampton.”

  “I’ll never deserve you, Violet Hawthorne. I hope you know that.” He didn’t smile now, though that was what I expected. He actually looked as if he were fighting off tears. “I’m glad God wanted more between us than just me rescuing you from Rowen Steele.”

  “I am too, Vance. I really am.” How I wanted to kiss him, to reassure him! But I knew better than to do such a thing, even if we were somewhat hidden from anyone wanting to spy on our little meeting. “Do you think it was really Rowen Steele at The Propylaeum last night?”

  “I can’t be sure. I hadn’t
heard he was in town, but he may be laying low.” By the look in Vance’s eyes, I could tell he’d been able to read my desires from a few moments before, but then he continued with, “I contacted Dr. Meade concerning your aunt this morning, and in his missive back, he stated that he thinks it was a solitary episode. She simply needs to rest now, and take better care of herself.”

  “I should visit again this week, to see that she has everything she needs.”

  “I want to come with you when you go. If it was Steele you saw, and he knows of your relatives, and that’s how he knew where to find you yesterday; we need to be more careful. He may use that connection to get close to you again. He certainly isn’t going to come near Everwood. He would know better than that.”

  “Maybe Ezra told Rowen about our relatives at some point. I never know what to believe regarding my brother.”

  “Perhaps Cal is connected to Rowen,” Vance said, echoing my own suspicion. “I know it seems we’re convicting him of more than is appropriate for our brief acquaintance, but he seems a likely culprit.”

  Vance pulled out his watch, took the time, and then placed it back into his pocket. “We should get going. It’s almost time for lunch to be served.” He stood and offered me his hand.

  I took it, and he lifted me to my feet. I stood facing him, still holding his hand as we were half hidden under the new foliage of the low-branched tree. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek, lingering there for a moment, hoping he’d turn his lips to mine. I breathed out a sigh when he didn’t, but I couldn’t blame him considering where we were. And somehow, just knowing that he wanted to kiss me was enough.

  When I stepped back, he had a silly grin on his face. “That was safe enough, wasn’t it, Vance?”

  “And more enjoyable than I would have ever imagined.”

  I played with his fingers between us, lacing and unlacing them, then moving my thumb over his palm and the back of his hand, examining it simply because I could. “I’m glad you told me everything you did today.”