Over My Head

by Charles de Lint

  "Okay," I tell him. "So far, so good. Let's try standing."

  Cory's eyebrows lift.

  "Seriously," I tell him.

  Cory stands up and gives me his hand again, pulling me up to my feet once more. I sway and begin to fall, but he getsw his shoulder under my arm to brace me. I close my eyes.

  For a moment, I'm back in that place where the black wave took me. No up, no down. My stomach has settled. A sense of calm floats through me.

  But then I remember what's happening back in the world where my broken body lies.

  Marina could already be dead.

  That freak Vincenzo will be going after Grandma.

  I snap my eyes open. My stomach lurches. I stiffen myself so that the weakness in my knees doesn't drop me back onto the ground, but it's Cory bearing my weight that really keeps me on my feet. A flicker of bile comes up my throat and I spit it out onto the dirt.

  "How are you holding up?" Cory asks.

  "Good," I lie.

  "You sure? If you're too weak to regain consciousness, you won't be able to—"

  I cut him off.

  "Just do it," I tell him.

  I think I'm ready for what's going to come next. Big laugh. I don't know what Cory does. One moment, I'm wherever the hell we are, trying to stay on my feet. The next, every nerve end I have is shrieking with a fierce, white-hot pain.

  The black wave comes rearing up, but I won't let it take me this time. Instead I embrace the pain. I picture Vincenzo's face in my mind and imagine this is happening to him, not me. I'm just watching.

  It doesn't help much. But it's enough.

  Josh

  I focus on what Tío Goyo told me.

  You are only as weak as you think you are.

  Expect to be defeated and you will be.

  I tell myself these are truths, not advice.

  I keep repeating to myself: I'm not weak. I'm a Wildling mountain lion. Powerful and deadly. In my human shape, I'm stronger and faster than I ever was. Than any humans are. The Thunders changed me for a reason. I don't know who or what they are, why they picked me or what they've got in mind for me. But whatever the reason, I'm pretty sure it wasn't to die at Vincenzo's hands.

  I won't be defeated by him. Sure, he's old and been around forever, but you know what? Blah blah blah. I don't care how tough and strong he is. At the end of the day, he's only a condor. A bird. My mountain lion can take a bird.

  I believe it. I believe it absolutely.

  I snap into my Wildling shape so fast something pops in my ears. I get a momentary glimpse of the shock in Vincenzo's eyes. Then my hind legs come up and I tear him open. My claws scrape along his ribs until they can really dig in and scoop out his insides. Organs and intestines come spilling out all over me.

  He doesn't even have time to fight back.

  I twist around so that he's underneath. He starts to change into his own Wildling shape, but I'm faster. I'm not giving him a chance to heal himself. My jaws close onto his head, fangs puncturing the skull like it's made of cardboard before I rip his head from his torso.

  Blood gushes from his neck like a geyser cutting loose, spraying me in the face. I toss his head away and back off. I have a moment where I tell myself to be patient, to watch for any sign that he's going to come back. But a red veil of rage envelops me, and before I know it, I've shredded his body until the pieces are scattered all over the ground around us.

  When it's over, when the adrenaline finally fades and the red haze falls away, I stand there looking at what I've done.

  A few weeks ago, I killed that researcher at ValentiCorp and I couldn't get it out of my head. She was despicable, but I still felt guilty.

  Now, I only feel satisfaction.

  I think the only guilt I have is that I don't feel guilty.

  I could worry at that forever, I suppose. Instead I bound away. I make my way down from the headland to where Tiki Beach would be in the world I left behind. At the water's edge I shift back to my human shape and plunge into the waves, washing off the blood and gore.

  When I come out again there's a figure waiting for me on the beach. I reach out with that detection system in my head, but it doesn't seem to be working anymore. Maybe it's gone away. Maybe it just doesn't work in this world. I don't have time puzzle it out right now.

  I'm about to shift again and tear into him until I realize that it's not Vincenzo, impossibly resurrected. It's Tío Goyo.

  I close the distance between us until I'm only a few feet away.

  "Was that you up there," I ask, "watching while Vincenzo tried to kill me?"

  "I was nearby," he says, which isn't an answer at all.

  "Well, thanks for the big assist."

  He shrugs. "You never needed my help."

  "Then why did the hawk stop me from confronting him in the barrio?"

  "It wasn't time. Back there," he says, "you can borrow strength from the land under your feet. You don't have that connection here—at least, you don't have it yet. We needed you to understand that everything you require to prevail is already inside you."

  "Seriously? I almost died."

  "But you didn't."

  "So it was—what? All some test? Did you sic Vincenzo on us in the first place?"

  "Absolutely not."

  I find myself believing him. I don't particularly like him right now, but I believe him.

  "But," he adds, "we did take advantage of the situation. We had to know that you will be strong enough for the challenges to come."

  While I don't know what he thinks is going to happen next, I do know I'm not going to be a part of it.

  I shake my head. "Good luck with your problems," I tell him, "but the only challenge I've got in front of me right now is finding Elzie."

  "This is larger than your girlfriend."

  "First off, she's not my girlfriend—not anymore. But that doesn't matter. I don't know what it's like where you come from, but me? I think everybody's important—it doesn't matter who. Whatever you've got going on that's such a big deal for you, it's not my problem. My problem is tracking down my friend. I don't know what he did to her."

  "I understand. But—"

  "The only thing she did wrong was knowing me. If we'd never met, Vincenzo would never have grabbed her."

  "What's going on is a 'big deal' for everyone," Tío Goyo says, "including your friend. There's a monster waking up in the heart of the world and you're here to stop it before it destroys everything."

  I remember Agent Solana telling me something along these lines. Not that it was up to me to deal with it, but that los tíos are fighting some kind of giant parasite thing. The idea that I'm their go-to guy is ridiculous.

  "Really?" I say. "You think I got changed into a Wildling to save the world from monsters? I don't know which of you is worse. The elder cousins have another theory or two. That some bunch of guys called the Thunders changed me because—well, nobody seems to know exactly why. It's a guessing game. Now you've got some other agenda all laid out for me.

  "The problem for all of you is, I'm not your chosen one. What happened to me was random. I'm just a guy with a friend who's in trouble. So you and the elders need to go solve your own problems."

  Tío Goyo studies me for a moment before he asks, "And how will you find your friend?"

  "I don't know. I'll track her, I guess. How hard can it be?"

  Hard enough, I suppose, since I can't get the radar in my head to turn on, but I don't feel like admitting that at the moment. I'll figure it out.

  He smiles.

  "What?"

  "You have no idea what this world is like, do you?" he says.

  I shrug. "I know it's just like our world before everything got all messed up."

  "Here," he agrees, "where we're standing, that's close enough. But go deeper into it and it isn't anything like the one you know—and not for the obvious reasons. You'll soon find it's layered like an onion and structured like a maze. The deeper you go, the more complex and conf
using it becomes. Time passes faster or slower, the very land under your feet changes climate and terrain in the blink of an eye."

  We're standing on a beach. The night sky holds stars, their light glinting on the whitecaps as they roll in to shore. I smell brine and seaweed. I can hear the waves close at hand and the wind up in the hills. But there's nothing else. There are no cars, no highway, no cities.

  "It doesn't seem that complex to me," I tell him.

  "If I were the man you think me to be," he says, "only concerned with how I could use you, I would leave you to your own devices until you understood the enormity of the task before you. Instead, I will help you find your friend."

  "In exchange for what?"

  "I don't make bargains," he tells me. "But if we find your friend, and if we can return her to safety, we can have this conversation again and perhaps you'll consider helping me."

  "And if I still say no?"

  He shrugs. "Then I'll go on alone."

  I figure there's got to be a trick—something I'm not getting—but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.

  I reach out again with the radar system in my head. It still won't come on board. It's there—I can feel it trying to focus—but I can't seem to make it work. That's going to suck if I have to find Elzie on my own.

  "I should remind you," Tío Goyo says when the silence stretches out between us, "that Vincenzo's allies won't take kindly to what you've done."

  "He was trying to kill me," I say. "He threatened to kill my mom and friends. What was I supposed to do?"

  "That will be irrelevant to them. What we need to do is get away from here and find your friend before they discover that you killed Vincenzo."

  He's right.

  I look at my hands. The ocean washed away the blood that covered them.

  I nod to where the headland rears above us. "Why don't I feel bad about what happened up there?"

  "He was a mad dog," Tío Goyo says. "Someone had to put him down."

  "Okay. But the way I did it …"

  "I have noticed," Tío Goyo says, "that those who become animal people—rather than those who are born into the clans—undergo a period of change as their human and animal natures adjust to one another. The temporary appearance of a quick temper is the most common."

  I think of the mess I left up there on the headland.

  "What I did was way more than just the result of a quick temper," I say.

  "You don't know your own strength."

  Maybe. Except Vincenzo was already dead when I tore him apart. What does that say about me?

  Tío Goyo cocks his head suddenly.

  "We need to go," he says.

  "Go where?"

  "To look for your friend."

  "I have to tell Mom and my friends first," I say. "They'll freak if I just disappear."

  He shakes his head. "We need to leave now. Someone's coming and we don't want to be here if they expect to be meeting Vincenzo."

  "But—"

  "Won't your friends and your mother be more upset if you're dead?" he asks.

  "Well, sure, but—"

  "Then we have to go. Now."

  He grabs my shoulder and takes a step, pulling me with him. There's a sensation like cobwebs brushing all over me—my face, under my clothes—then the ocean and the shore are gone and we're someplace else.

  Marina

  Auntie Min is telling us about the old days—before there even was a Santa Feliz. She's relating a story about a pair of crow girls getting into mischief. She and Des are sitting on either side of Theo, keeping him propped up, while I've got his head cradled in my lap. His breathing is even now. I hear singing come up from the beach below. I guess The Wild Surf are hanging out with the surfers, jamming. They sound like they're having fun. It must be nice not having a clue about what happened up here. They don't even know yet that Tomás is dead.

  I wish I didn't have a clue.

  I can tell the story Auntie Min's in the middle of right now is supposed to be funny—I guess she's trying to cheer us up—but I'm not feeling it. How can I, with Josh still missing and Theo as unresponsive as he is? But I'm trying to pay attention. For long stretches of time—like five or ten seconds—it takes my mind away from why we're here and my worries about Theo and Josh.

  But then I immediately come back. I hate this waiting.

  I'm about to ask Des what time it is again when two things suddenly happen:

  Cory appears out of nowhere. He falls in a tumble of limbs across the big flat stone where we're sitting, like something just spit him out.

  And Theo disappears.

  I immediately begin to shriek.

  "Dude!" Des yells and jumps to his feet.

  "Nobody move!" Auntie Min says in a voice that freezes everybody in place.

  "Yeah," Cory says. He's sitting up, rubbing his shoulder. "Wait for it."

  "Wait for what?" Des asks.

  But suddenly I get it. Theo shifted to his Wildling shape, which is so small it only looks like he vanished. I spy the mouse he became just before he shifts again, and then he's back in his normal body. I forget that he might still be injured and throw myself on him. When I realize what I'm doing, I pull back.

  "Are you here for real?" he asks.

  There's a weird haunted look in his eyes. I'm so relieved that he's okay that I get mad at him.

  "Don't you ever scare us like that again!" I tell him, tears finally rolling down my face.

  He smiles and reaches up. "Yeah, you're for real, sweetcheeks," he says, pushing my tears aside with his thumb. "Did Cory make it back?"

  "Over here," Cory calls to him. "Are you going to punch me now?"

  Theo sits up. "Depends. Are you going to stick a knife in my head again?"

  I wipe my eyes and look from one to the other. "What are you talking about?"

  "Nothing," Theo says. "It's just good to get back and be mobile again."

  When he gets to his feet, he sees Tomás's body.

  "What happened to him?" he asks.

  "Same thing as happened to us," Cory says. "He took on Vincenzo, except he didn't survive."

  Theo sighs. "Crap. So he really was one of the good guys."

  Then he looks around.

  "Where's Josh?" he asks.

  For a long moment, nobody knows what to say.

  "He went through the portal thingy," Des finally says. "After Vincenzo."

  "And nobody stopped him?" Theo asks, echoing Cory's earlier reaction.

  Des takes a step back at the glare in Theo's eyes. "Dude, he was through before anybody even knew it."

  Theo's gaze tracks across us until it lands on me again.

  "It's true," I tell him.

  And then we had to look after you, I want to add, but I can tell from the look on his face that's not something he's going to want to hear about.

  He picks up his tire iron.

  "So what are we waiting for?" he asks. He points to Auntie Min. "Get us over there."

  "I don't know if that's exactly what we should be—"

  "I'm not asking," Theo tells her with a growl in his voice.

  Cory gets up. He brushes dirt from his jeans.

  "I can take you over," he says.

  Auntie Min shoots Cory a warning look, which he just ignores. When Theo and I walk over to him, Auntie Min sighs and comes over as well.

  "I'm not saying it's the smart thing we're doing," Theo tells Auntie Min. "But it's the right thing—you see the difference?"

  She nods.

  When Des starts to join us, I shake my head.

  "You stay," I tell him.

  "You're kidding me, right? Dude, I've known Josh longer than anybody here. There's no way I'm sitting this one out."

  "But it's too dangerous."

  "Why? Because I'm human? I hate to break it to you, but I didn't see the Wildling contingent doing all that great earlier."

  "He's right," Theo says to me. "Let him come." Then he turns to Des and adds, "But once we'r
e there, hang back a little, bro—just till we get the lay of the land."

  Des nods.

  "Any time," Theo tells Cory.

  Cory doesn't seem to do anything special. No chants, no intricate movements of his hands. One moment, we're looking out over the ocean with the lights of the oil rigs and a freighter in the distance, the next, there's a hole in the world and we're stepping back into that amazing otherworld. I remember the air being so heady the last time we were here and take a deep breath only to gag on the stench of blood and gore.

  It's the most horrific thing I've ever seen. There are body parts littered all over the ground.

  "Ah, Jesus," Theo says.

  It takes me a moment longer to process what Theo's already figured out.

  Josh.

  This … this horrible butchery … it's all that's left of him.

  I turn away and press my face against Theo's shoulder. His arms around me can't even begin to comfort the awful grief that floods me.

  "I was supposed to have his back," Theo says, his voice a bare murmur.

  "Hold up," Des says. "If you're thinking this is Josh, you're so jumping the gun."

  I swallow hard and pull away from Theo to look. Des is standing a few yards away from the worst of the gore, pointing with his shoe at a head that's lying on its side. I can't really focus on anything except that it's not Josh's.

  "Vincenzo," Cory says.

  Theo nods slowly. "So that means …"

  "That this is Josh's handiwork," Auntie Min finishes for him.

  "But if all of—this—is what's left of Vincenzo," I say, "where's Josh?"

  Cory's walking around the edges of the awful mess of blood and body parts.

  "Here," he says. "I've got a scent."

  He shifts to his coyote shape and trots off down the slope toward the beach, nose to the ground. I can't get away from here fast enough.

  "Dude, that is so cool," Des says as we follow Cory.

  I shoot him a look.

  "Well, it is," he says. "You need to embrace the awesomeness of what you guys can do."

  "I don't know about the rest of us," Theo says, "but if Josh can take out Vincenzo like that, there's probably not much he can't do."