by Lizzie Fox
So I was going to do whatever it took to be strong for her. Even if it took forever… I wasn’t going to give up.
14
Jessalie
I was standing before the half empty refrigerator, scowling, trying to find something I wanted. Food was always a chore with Adam because he was quite picky with the way everything was prepared. I did like cooking and didn’t think I was bad at it but over the last year I hadn’t done it much; Victoria and Kieran were always working strange hours, and cooking for myself was just boring. And too much work, right now. I’d about decided on some leftover sandwiches when Seth entered from wherever he had been, carrying a large bag.
“Are you hungry? I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got a couple of things,” he said, coming and setting the bag of so many delicious smells on the counter.
My eyes widened. First, at the large amount of food he brought. Why did that shock me so much? Oh, because in the ten years Adam and I were together, he never once made a meal or bring me something without asking first. So… Seth was out and thinking of me. The very notion set my heart to fluttering and I had to breathe slowly to prevent the blush from creeping to my cheeks.
Secondly… holy crap did that man look gorgeous. I shuffled my feet awkwardly, and my hand flew to the hair that trailed down my shoulder and absentmindedly raked through as it lay over my neck. His black hair was gently pushed backward, but tipped off to one side, he’d replaced the silver hoop in his lip with a black one, black jeweled studs adorned his ears, and he wore a fitted red t-shirt and faded gray jeans with big holes in the knees. The red somehow seemed to pull the depths of his eyes out and somehow just made him look a bit… naughtier. I felt my skin heat when he cocked his head and lifted a brow.
“Jessie?”
“Sorry,” I said, laughing uncomfortably. “Just that color looks really good on you.” Immediately, I slapped my forehead. Did I really just say that?
He grinned widely. “I aim to please, I guess. Do you like hamburgers? Pasta? There’s salad too, just in case.”
I blinked at him, seriously wondering if he was too good to be true. “Why?” Was all I asked.
“Why would I bring salad, or…?” He asked, confused.
“No,” I rolled my eyes playfully and smirked. “Why’d you bring all this?”
Seth stared at me questioningly. “Why…? Well I was there, and I’d eaten, and figured you might be hungry? Is that… wrong?”
“No!” I said quickly, with a nervous laugh. “I’m just… surprised.”
Seth leaned against the wall, casually crossing one of his insanely long legs over the other at the ankle, and he folded his arms over his chest. I swallowed tensely, noticing how his lithe biceps seemed to flex gently at the motion. He thought he was super skinny, but really he was just perfect. I never preferred the super bulky look; this was much better to me.
He slowly grinned, sucking in his bottom lip gently and running the tip of his tongue over the piercing. I breathed in sharply, and stepped back towards the counter, suddenly feeling my brain do all sorts of weird, floaty things. He knew exactly what I was doing before I even realized it myself; I was totally checking him out. God he was so damned hot.
“Why is bringing you food surprising?” He asked finally, after I turned away to hide the blush from being caught ogling him.
I shrugged, gingerly peeking into the bag. “I guess I don’t know. Surprised you’d think of me when you were doing something else?” Whatever was in there smelled divine, but I opted for the salad because it would go bad first.
“And why wouldn’t I be thinking about you?” He asked. I turned, eyeing him. His tone was full of suggestion, as was the playful smirk on his face.
“Why would you, is the question?” I challenged him, narrowing my gaze.
Seth ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. “You mean it’s not obvious?”
“Enlighten me.” He seemed to be watching me for a few moments, like he was sizing me up.
“You’re really going for the salad first?” He cocked his brow with a sideways smile.
“It will spoil first. The others will be good reheated. I’m not one of those women, if that’s what you’re getting at.” I lifted the lid, poured the dressing all over it that was included, and found a fork contained in a nearby drawer.
“Everything about you has changed,” Seth mused out loud, his hand contemplatively at his chin. “Yesterday you were a closed door, today you’re an open book. What gives?”
I sighed. “Basically… my issue has always been, not just fearing the suicide…thing. But if I move on it’s like…” I trailed off, suddenly feeling stupid.
“Like you’re cheating on him?” Seth supplied.
“Yeah. And that’s stupid, I know, but—” I began, but Seth rose his hand, effectively cutting me off.
“It’s not stupid. Just because you ‘move on’ as you put it doesn’t mean you have to forget him,” Seth insisted.
I laughed dryly. “With my ex it did.”
Seth’s eyes narrowed. “Well he’s a fucking dick who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Yeah, he is,” I agreed.
“And so suddenly you realized that you don’t have to forget him? You can still keep your memories, and live your life and not feel badly about it?” Seth inquired, and I slowly shrugged.
“Yeah. I mean…you made me think it was possible. I can’t say I won’t feel guilty now and then but…” I inhaled deeply. “I think it’s time. And, you never answered the question.” Trying to avoid his intent gaze, I dove back into the salad, taking a decent sized bite so I couldn’t talk anymore.
“Ah, so I didn’t.” Seth chuckled lightly. A gentle flush spread across his cheekbones, as one of his hands slowly reached out towards me. I’d taken a bite and it was surprisingly good—but his thumb swiped over the corner of my lips. “Just a little dressing, right there.” The little touch sent shockwaves through my body, and I shivered.
“I told you before, I wanted to ask you out. I wanted to be with you. That hasn’t changed.”
“You think that’s a good idea, with you living here and all?” I asked expectantly, pointing my fork at him.
“Why not? Beats having to figure out whose house to go to at night, doesn’t it?”
“Hmm…” I didn’t acknowledge the question, even though those damn honey eyes were staring me down, challenging me to argue, or say no. “I suppose you’re right.” I chuckled internally when he seemed to blanch at that. I don’t think he expected that answer. It was sort of fun to rattle him some, I admitted internally.
Seth stepped forward cautiously and ran his fingers down the length of my hair, pushing it behind my shoulder. “You’re going to complicate things, aren’t you?” His voice was low as he slid his hand over my cheek.
“I think we’ve gone past that, don’t you?”
“Maybe we have…” He grazed the tip of his tongue over the piercing mindlessly, appearing deep in thought before stepping back, and dropping his hand.
“So,” I cleared my throat gently, pulling my attention away from him. “Where were you that you decided to get all this damn food?”
Seth’s mind was obviously elsewhere, judging by his heavily-lidded eyes—and god wasn’t that hot? —so my tame question was surprising to him. “Oh.” He leaned over the counter and folded his hands together. “Band practice. There’s a little old movie theater we rent out twice a week for a couple of hours. Afterwards we usually go out to eat, more if we have a bigger performance on the weekend. We might be playing the Wisconsin Summerfest this summer.”
My eyes widened. “Are you kidding? That’s huge!”
He beamed. “It really is. Huge exposure for us. Not the main stage, but one of the secondary ones. Still a big deal though.”
“If it’s like the one in Minnesota, I’ll say it is,” I said, nodding with approval. After a few more bites of salad, I grimaced; the smell of the cheeseburger remain
ing in the bag was just too much. “Sorry, if this goes bad I’ll pay you back.” I took the box out of the bag and promptly opened it, and dug in.
He laughed and waved dismissively. “It’s not a big deal. Really. Yeah my sister’s stuff is expensive but we do okay. This week we got the most downloads and plays we’ve ever had so… really, don’t worry about it.” I did chuckle easily though when he seemed to be eyeing the salad.
“Want some?” I offered. He hesitated for a moment before taking the salad from me and diving in. I snickered. “Didn’t you just eat?”
“Yeah. It sucks, my medication sorta increases my appetite even worse than it already is, so…”
“That sucks.”
“Not really,” he said, with a laugh. “I’m too thin as it is. If I didn’t have it I’d probably waste away.”
It was my turn to glare at him for talking disparagingly about his body. “You’re not too thin. I think you’re fine.” I coughed under my breath, because the “fine” really meant “finnne” but maybe he didn’t notice. The wicked glint in his eyes told me otherwise. “So, how was your band practice?” I smiled innocently, trying to force the change in subject.
He smirked before he finally answered after a few moments. “Oh, fine. You should come sometime,” he suggested.
“Wouldn’t that be weird? What would I do?” Besides jump around like a fangirl and drool over you? Yeah, that would be weird.
“Talk to the guys’ wives and shit. They’re all really nice. Even Shane even though he’s a bit nosy,” he said, with a laugh. “And just watch.”
“So, everyone is married but you?” I asked, with a smirk. “What would that say to them if I suddenly show up?”
“I don’t know, really. Might remind them I’m not gay, at least.” He chuckled. I nearly choked on my bite of burger.
“Why would they think that?” I asked incredulously between laughs.
“Because I wear eyeliner and nail polish on stage? And haven’t had a date in a while,” he said with a grin. “You’ll be the first in a long time.”
I rose a brow. “We haven’t been on a date.”
He grinned mischievously, his top teeth scraping over that piercing again. Damn that was hot. “We’re eating together aren’t we?”
“I ate with my best friend, Victoria, too. Doesn’t mean we were on a date,” I retorted with snark.
Laughing, he scrubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, fine. You got me.”
“And we haven’t done anything yet,” I reminded him.
“Oh, but we will.”
“Really? When?”
“As soon as you’re done eating,” he replied, with a smug grin.
Chuckling, I took one more bite and set the rest of it aside, and set my hands on my hips, waiting expectantly. “Well? Am I dressed for it?”
His smile turned scandalous; his eyes roaming over the length of my body. My skin flushed and heated under his obvious scrutiny. Okay, bad idea to say that.
I probably should have been a bit more discerning with my attire, but I couldn’t be dressed up every second of the day Seth was in the house. Better get him used to it now; I lived for yoga pants and sweaters. Since it was too warm for those, I wore a simple pair of black leggings with mesh that wrapped around the calves, and pink flowers under the knee, a tank top and off-the-shoulder gray long-sleeved sweat shirt. My hair was down, but I peeled the hair binder off my wrist and gathered it in a messy bun on the top of my head. I had to, because the blush on my face and neck I received from Seth’s sunset colored eyes drinking me in, his lower lip caught between his teeth was about to give me a fever.
I hadn’t been looked at like that since… well, never Adam. Blake was never shy about checking me out. And as much as it probably wasn’t cool to say, it made me feel like a million bucks every single time.
Right now? I felt like a million and one. It had been a very, very long time… and I liked it. A lot.
Clearing my throat gently, I asked, “Well?”
Grinning from one side of his mouth, he nodded. “Yes. You are perfect.”
Perfect, he says… I gave him the once over myself. His jeans are dangerously low on his hips and he was tall his t-shirt barely covered his waist. Anytime he raises his arms, the ink on his stomach and a dark trail of hair—leading you know where—was visible. He had a bit of a five o’clock shadow on his jaw, and his black hair is a bit unruly. And his grin is positively salacious. I couldn’t help but smile back in response.
“Well, then,” I said, with a taunting tone. “Show me what you’ve got.” If I was going to move on with my life then there was no time like the present.
15
Seth
“We’re… going to my yard?” Jessie eyed me skeptically, as I shocked her by grabbing her hand, and headed into the backyard.
I snorted. “I’d like to think I have a little more game than that.” Glancing down at her thin, black flat shoes I cocked a brow. “You might need better shoes though.”
“I’ll make do. I love these damn things,” she said, with a laugh.
“Well, fine then. I guess these aren’t much better,” I said, eyeing my own questionable choice of footwear: black boots that I never tied, and they were quite clunky. “I guess I can carry you if need be.”
She laughed shortly. “You couldn’t carry me, come on.”
I paused in my tracks, squeezing her hand and stopping her where she stood. “You don’t think I could? Do I look that weak?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Of course not. You look…” she looked at me briefly and cleared her throat; I grinned at her obvious discomfort. “Well I’m just too heavy, I think.”
“Bullshit. I’m stronger than I look, trust me.” I flashed her a wink, and we continued on, trudging through the overgrown yard to the rocky shoreline that separated the lake from the land. To the left was a wooded area, past quite a few tall rocks and overturned trees. Beyond that a ways was perhaps the best view in the town. You could see all of the lake from there, and at sunset it was beautiful. During one of my manic phases when I couldn’t sit still, I started walking through town. All of it. I came to the lake, and just started walking the shoreline. I’d taken off my shoes because the things suddenly felt like anvils, and I’d walked along the rocks and leaf litter until I came to that spot. By that time my feet were bruised, cut up and bloody; I’d been walking for hours and I finally crashed. I had to call Quin to come get me, because I just wiped out. It was embarrassing. After that I’d had my meds adjusted—again—and felt basically fine since.
Just part of the fun of bipolar. It was frustrating, like there was a constant war in my head between one voice who challenged me to do whatever I wanted at any given time, and the other that knew better. That was the same voice that would tell me to skip work, or eat that sixth helping of dinner, or cut myself. Then there was the other voice that scolded that voice, telling them they were an idiot, and I was an idiot for letting it happen. That voice was an asshole as well, but at least that voice allowed me to choke down my pride and get help. Because there was a third voice—the voice that was really me—that wanted none of it. I just wanted to live; to work, to love, to have fun, to grow. But the other parts of me had other ideas. It was a constant fucking war inside.
But at least I found this spot, and last minute, it was the best I could do.
If Jessie was going to let me persuade her to be with me, that’s exactly what I was going to do. And I wouldn’t stop until she was mine. I just hoped my stupid mind wouldn’t fuck everything up when I did.
“I didn’t realize we’d be hiking,” she said, keeping a strong grip on my hand as she nearly slid over a rock, slick from the mist from the lake.
“You don’t like hiking?” I asked, and she shrugged.
“No, I do. I just think I should have dressed differently,” she replied.
“Nah, you’re good. The first time I came here I wasn’t even wearing shoes, so I think you’ll be fine,” I retor
ted, and then promptly scolded myself in my mind. Stupid Archer…very fucking stupid. Now she’s gonna know just how batshit nuts you are…
She paused in her steps to give me a funny look. Her forehead pinched slightly in the middle, her lips pursed gently, and I couldn’t help but chuckle; it was adorable and it made me grin. “Why weren’t you wearing shoes? Drunk?”
I chuckled dryly. “We’ll go with that.” Basically, that was kind of what it was like. I had no filter, adrenaline coursed through my blood, and I had tunnel vision: whatever I wanted to do, I did. Yes, it was dangerous. I’d gotten tickets for doing 110 miles-per-hour on the highway and gotten injured while stage diving off of a stage during a performance and slept with strange women after. I didn’t even know their names. I didn’t do that anymore, but even the meds were no guarantee I wouldn’t again. They just helped me stay in control of myself better.
Jessie gave me a skeptical look, like she could see through my bullshit. I continued to walk, but since she was still holding my hand, she stopped, and yanked me back. “Was it mania? Blake used to get that. At least… I thought it was that knowing what I know now.”
I blew out a tense breath, and clenched my eyes shut, pressing my thumb and pointer finger to my temples. I had hoped to wow her with my wonderful personality and bedroom prowess before I got into describing more of my meltdowns, but perhaps it was best just to get it out of the way first.
“Yeah. It was a total manic episode.” I winced, bracing myself for the reaction. “Basically, there are two forms of bipolar—at least today anyway,” I added with a dry laugh, because these classifications and standards were always changing. “I have bipolar 1, but on the meds I can fake a 2, basically which is what they call a more ‘higher functioning’ version. Or something like that, it’s always changing, I swear.”
“I see,” was all she said, no emotion played on her face, giving me any idea of what she was feeling about it.
“Does that change your opinion of me some?” I questioned cautiously.