by Lizzie Fox
Her lips formed a thin line as she thought. “No. It scares me a little but…”
“Why?” I still held on to her hand, and I closed the distance between us some. A breeze off the lake blew some of the hair out of her messy style, and I grazed my fingers over her cheek, pulling it off her face and back over her ear. It gave me an excuse to watch her face, and ponder what was going through that pretty head of hers. Something in her seemed tortured; her eyes narrowed gently in the corners.
“I am afraid something like what happened to Blake could happen to you,” she admitted.
“I can’t promise it’ll never, ever happen, Jessalie. But I can promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t. I’ll tell you anything and everything—you can even look over my records. I don’t really try to hide it, it’s just… me. I’m not ashamed, but… I don’t want it to define me. You know?”
“Yeah. I get it.” Jessie finally dropped my arms and did something that surprised me. She wrapped her arms around my waist, and pressed herself against me for a hug, resting her head on my chest. There was a certain heft in my heart and I had to remind myself to keep breathing. For once, my stupid dick didn’t respond, but everything else did as I enveloped her in my arms. She was blissfully soft, and when I rested my head on hers, I caught a whiff of something lightly floral, like a gently-scented perfume. It was clean, fresh and totally pleasant. We stood there a few moments, silent, my heart thudding in my chest like a hammer until she gently pulled away, looking up at me. “You scare me, Seth Archer.”
I blanched. “That… isn’t good.”
“No, it is,” she insisted. “The bipolar scares me, yes. But even more… you scare me for what I could feel.”
“Could feel?”
“Yeah.” She gazed up at me with those jeweled eyes and grinned slowly. I hoped she’d elaborate, but when she didn’t, I just figured the moment was over.
“You ready?” I asked, nodding off towards the woods. There was more meaning in my words than just hiking, and I think she understood that when she responded,
“Yeah… I think so.”
16
Jessalie
Mostly you scare me for what I could feel.
I didn’t elaborate. That was too much confession for one night. I didn’t want to tell him that I was beginning to see his eyes when I woke up and not Blake’s… that everything about him could make me forget everything I was. We were.
I could fall for this guy. Easily. Honestly, I probably already had.
“Just about there,” Seth said finally. I eyed him scornfully, the tall musician scaled a small rock and dirt wall with little effort. I wasn’t sure how tall he was—six-two, maybe? I was barely five-five. He turned and grinned sheepishly, leaning over and giving me his hand. I was regretting my favorite pair of shoes now, as I dug my toe into the dirt for leverage, and he helped tug me up the small wall. But, my foot caught on an exposed tree root, and I stumbled, falling squarely into his chest.
He braced me by setting his hands on my waist; his body was just a mere digit from mine. And, it wasn’t like before, with the hug where I just was overcome with some sort of emotion. Affection, perhaps. This was straight up lust. The long lines of his torso and gentle muscular ridging under his tee felt heavenly under my fingers, and he smelled spicy somehow, and earthy. It was intoxicating, but not nearly as much as gazing into those deep, amber eyes. My knees slacked, as I looked up into them, and his lips spread into a smirk. I was about to tell him that when he spoke, beating me to the punch.
“God, your eyes are gorgeous,” he said softly, while his gaze continued to hold mine.
I flinched. “Mine?” I never found anything particularly interesting about them, but I loved that he did.
“Yes. They’re so big and… full of emotion.” His long fingers of one of his hands slipped over my cheek, the edge of his thumb just skirted the corner of my eye. He searched my face, taking me in, and the air between us seemed to charge in intensity. My lips parted, and I waited for what would hopefully come next. But it didn’t happen; he squeezed my hip lightly, and resolutely turned away, a bright red flush spreading over his cheekbones. I tried not to be disappointed; maybe he was just as terrified as I was.
He still held my hand though as we continued to traverse the mildly rough terrain; it wouldn’t have been so bad had I worn better shoes, because I felt every rock and twig underfoot.
“Ah, here we are.” He stopped in his tracks and pointed, prompting me to look.
We were probably at about the highest point around the lake, and the entire watery expanse lay out before us. The woods gave way to various houses or strings of them that dotted the shoreline, and there were probably no less than two dozen boats drifting along the lazy waves. At one point, the lake narrowed into a channel, and I knew that channel headed off to a river, but which one I didn’t know. The sun was beginning to hang low in the horizon, the oranges and golds becoming darker and darker. My gaze flicked back over at Seth as the sunset was reflected in them; they meshed quite well like they were always supposed to be together. The effect was truly beautiful. I beamed at him.
“It’s nice, really,” I said, gently nudging him with my shoulder.
“Yeah, I came here a lot for a while to clear my head. With shoes though,” he added self-deprecatingly. He still clung to my hand, and squeezed it gently, giving me a half grin. “I know, it’s not all that impressive, but—”
“—stop. It is. I live on the lake, and I had no idea this was here. I didn’t realize it was all so pretty,” I said. “I’m actually pretty simple. After my ex, and all his stupid dinner parties and whatnot, I really just like quiet things or casual events where I don’t have to get all dressed up and put on a fake smile.” I angled my head and glanced at him as he stared thoughtfully out at the lake.
“What was up with that? You were married to the guy for what—ten years? But you were unhappy the entire time?” Seth inquired. “Was it like, some sort of punishment? For what happened with your first husband?”
I blew out gently, and he quickly spoke, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone there.”
“No, actually… I think you’re right. Adam was…” I sighed, pausing with hesitance. How did I say it without sounding totally ridiculous? I stayed with him because he was safe, not because he was good. He wasn’t always safe, though…
“Adam? That was his name?” Seth wrinkled his face in a scowl. “I hate him already.”
I giggled. “Yeah, he’s an ass. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Really, maybe it was a punishment. I never thought about it that way, I guess. I always thought there was something more I could have done for Blake. But he just hid it so well. Not the mania or the other things, but no one had any idea he was suicidal,” I said in a hushed voice. “I was around him all the time, I should have known.”
“Jessalie,” he said, tugging on my arm gently until my body faced him. “It wasn’t your fault. Maybe he didn’t even realize it himself.”
I shrugged. “Maybe,” I said sadly. “But, really you don’t want to hear so much about him, I’m sure.” Regardless of what he said, I knew it couldn’t be easy hearing me talk about him.
Seth frowned. “The truth? Yeah, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous, but not for the reasons you think, you know, because he was with you and all that. But I really don’t mind hearing about him.”
“Then, why are you? Jealous, that is?” I asked, curiously.
“Because I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way you look when you talk about him. I have no idea what it feels like to love—and be loved like that. No idea. And…” He stopped, laughing shortly. “And this is going to sound stupid, but I would kill to have you look at me like that.”
“Like what?” I asked, feeling my limbs turn to jelly at his confession, my heart skipping beats.
“Like I’m the greatest thing in the world.” He forced a sad smile.
“Don’t you have
like, hundreds of people looking at you during performances?”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same. They don’t see me. They see the persona I project on the stage. It’s part of me, but it’s not all of me. You know?”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“I’ve always gotten shit for… well everything. I was a pain in the ass for my mom. We won’t discuss my dad. And any girls I dated basically got sick of dealing with my issues after a while and let me go. I couldn’t blame them, really.” I’m not sure what possessed me, but without realizing I’d reached my hand up and slipped it around the back of his neck; my thumb traced little lines over the bit of ink that was exposed from under his shirt.
“Seth…” My heart ached for his pain, I hated the fact that he was in pain, even more than hating the fact that there was probably nothing I could do about it. It was a helpless feeling, and it did scare me. A lot. But I was trying to push it aside, and get passed it.
He smiled wryly. “Don’t feel too bad. Eventually I started going to therapy and started getting help. That, and the guys. I had a bad episode of mania when I first came here before my meds were totally figured out. That was the day I learned that loose pants on stage was a bad idea, and jumping around on things was also a bad idea. There’s a video of my ass all over YouTube, it’s great. Really,” he said sarcastically, with a bitter scowl.
“I’m going to have to find it now,” I said, with a snicker. Even though I knew where it was. I had the link but I never watched it, the video entitled “Night Addiction lead singer loses it and his pants too…”
He smirked. “If you want to see my ass all you have to do is ask.”
I bit my lip and blushed. “I’m still gonna look for it.” Correction; I’m finally going to watch it. Maybe…
“I have no doubt. It’s pretty funny, actually. But afterwards I was like, freaked out. That was the last time I cut,” he said, turning over his arm, and brushing his finger over a raised white line that cut right through a tattoo of a knife. “Thankfully I’d been at home, and Shane found me before I could do more damage. I just felt so panicked, and over what? My ass?” He chortled. “Like, big deal.”
I cocked a brow. “I’d freak out.”
“Yeah but… girl asses are different. There is something there to look at. Most guys just moon people for like, fun,” he kidded with a laugh. “And my ass is nothing to look at so I don’t know why I cared.”
“Stop it.” I gave him a light shove. “I’m glad you were stopped though before it went further. Do you think it would have?”
“No, I mean… usually it was just something to calm me down. Once I felt calm it would stop. Then I’d feel like an asshole for doing it and freak out about that. It was just one big mess.” He shrugged. “Well… anyway. We can go. If you’re up for something spontaneous we could find something to do in Eau Claire. Independence Point is pretty boring.”
“Hmm…” I looked down at the ground, and found a relatively clear little area, with a fallen and weather-worn log. I kicked at it once to make sure there was nothing in it. Satisfied it was devoid of small creatures and insects, I sat down. “I think I’d rather sit a while.”
Seth beamed; his smile was positively electric as he sat down beside me, stretching out his long legs. My brow raised as I apprised those damn long legs of his.
“How tall are you, anyway?” It was random, I knew it, but he laughed.
“Six-one and a half. Don’t forget the half, you know,” he said, with a wink. I snickered and rolled my eyes.
“Of course not. I know how important those little inches are to guys,” I retorted, with an evil grin, and Seth tipped his head back and laughed. Again, like the other day, there was positively a melodic quality to it. There were times—and this was one of them—I was skeptic if Seth Archer was really human. He was so beautiful inside and out, it was hard to be believed.
I caught his eye, and he grinned. His eyes trailed downward, and he reached out, brushing aside the low-cut neck of my sweatshirt, and a fingertip traced over part of the ink on my chest.
“This is for your husband, isn’t it?” Seth asked, the tone shifting serious.
Sighing, I reluctantly nodded. “Yeah. I got it a year after he died on the anniversary of his passing. Suicide.” The word was bitter on my tongue as I said it. “Lightman, you know.” I laughed dryly. “It’s stupid, I know.”
“It’s not stupid at all,” Seth protested. He rested a hand on my knee and draped his arm in my lap. “I’ve always been curious, how did you meet?” he inquired.
My smile was small, and faraway. “Homecoming game. He was from the rival school. Came over to our bleachers,” I said, laughing to myself. “Since I cared more about picking up guys than I did the game, I was looking. And I saw him across the stands and—that was it. That was everything.”
“Did he come up to you, or…?”
“Both. We met in the middle. We, uh… hung out for a bit,” I said, blushing with embarrassment. Yeah, hung out was total slang for making out and groping a perfect stranger in front of everyone. “After the game was over I ditched my friends and rode off with him on his motorcycle. We got married in February before we were even done with school. I’d only been eighteen for a short time but, whatever. It was just a spur of the moment decision, but that’s how he operated. My mother tossed me out of the house, and we moved into the basement of his brother’s place.” I chuckled, thinking back. “It was really weird at school filling out like, contact forms. I had to always scrape off the ‘parent’ portion and add ‘spouse.’ Or, when I got detention. ‘Uh, sorry, Ms. Crosby. I have to use the phone to tell my husband I’ll be late so he doesn’t worry.’ I got so many weird looks from the staff at that school.” I laughed fondly.
“He sounds like he was really something,” Seth said with reserved admiration.
“He was. Always the brightest in the room; he always stood out no matter what. People just gravitated towards him,” I said.
Seth’s fingers brushed over my chest and tattoo again. “Like the sun. That’s perfect, then.”
I shrugged. “Yeah…”
“Maybe though…” Seth said thoughtfully, kicking at a rock casually with the toe of his clunky boot. “You know, stars burn so bright, and some of them burn hotter and faster than others. Maybe that was Blake. He just… was too much, too bright for this world, maybe.”
Slowly, I nodded, and looked at him appreciatively. “Maybe.”
“See, that’s why I like the moon better—no offense to Blake,” Seth said. “It’s bright, yes but gentle. The light is never too harsh, and it just reflects everything around it. It works with everything, instead of everything having to work with it. The Earth, the solar system… whatever.”
I laughed gently. “Wow you really are a song writer, aren’t you?”
He shrugged, laughing easily. “I try.”
“So… you’re saying I need to find someone more like the moon? And I suppose… you’d be like that, huh?”
His shoulder bobbed easily. “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I’m just pure darkness. Like the dark side of the moon. I don’t know.”
“I don’t believe that.” I slid my arm through the crook of his elbow and rested my head on his shoulder. He tensed under me for a brief moment before raising his arm up and draping it over my shoulders, urging me closer until I was resting my cheek against the crook of his arm. It was a few moments before I felt comfortable enough to melt into him, and I trembled gently. His body was hard, and warm, and being next to him like this was positively divine.
Crooking my head slightly, I looked up at Seth. His gaze was distant, pondering something, and he didn’t seem to notice I was looking. This was the first time I’d really been this close to him, and I started noticing all the little things about him that weren’t obvious. A freckle behind his ear. A little scar on his temple. His very angular jawline, and the thickness of his Adam’s apple. The way the sun’s golden rays reflected in the hazel of his eye
s, making them look positively surreal.
Seth turned suddenly and caught me staring. I immediately flushed as he grinned gently; our faces were just a whisper apart and my stomach flipped while my mind floated, being this close to him. Close enough to kiss. And it both scared—and thrilled—me that I desperately wanted him too. I think he had the same idea, because my heart slammed into my chest and my eyes started closing slowly, but he bypassed my lips all together and carefully pecked my forehead instead and pulled back. It was a sweet gesture, and I liked it, but was a little confused. Did he not want to? Was there something on my face? Suddenly, my hand flew to my lips; did I still have salad dressing on them? Lettuce in my teeth?
He laughed quietly. “No, Jessie, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’m just… I get the feeling I need to be slow with you. So, that’s what I’m going to do. No matter how much my body has other ideas,” he said with a wink, tipping his forehead against mine.
“Why do you think that?” I inquired, suddenly nervous the way his eyes searched mine.
“Because.” He clasped his other hand on my knee. “I know you’re conflicted. I can see it in your eyes. If you’re going to find your way to me, you need to do it on your own terms, not mine. So I can be patient. For a certain amount of time, anyway,” he added with a laugh.
I eyed him curiously. “You’re either a master of emotion, or really smart or… both.”
He shrugged. “I think the bipolar helps give me a certain insight. My mind is always going a mile a minute. I might have done really well in school if I could have sat still or paid attention long enough to care. Or put down the guitar.”
“Meh, so you weren’t good at reading books and taking tests. Who cares? That’s not a measure of intelligence,” I insisted.
He smirked. “I bet you were one of those with straight A’s. The pretty honors student.”
I snorted loudly. “Oh far from it. I was insanely boy crazy. I mean… well obviously, I got married as a senior. If boys weren’t involved, I didn’t care. Half the time I didn’t even show up to school. It was just so boring. I only cared about a couple of classes, that was it.”