Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  Several floors up, Elijah prayed for Reina and Nate.

  Since meeting her, thoughts of Reina left him somewhat uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable, exactly. Off-kilter. She didn’t fit perfectly in his general categories for women: family, colleague, date. He knew there was a spark of something but couldn’t pinpoint what. His brain stayed locked on everything that made her glaringly unlike his usual type–her child, her height, her barely curvy frame, and the lack of interest on her part. He was used to women paying attention to him. A fact of life since his junior year of high school when he shot up five inches, sprouted a stubble, and his voice dropped several octaves. Considering how they’d met, it was impossible to gauge Reina’s feelings towards him. What kind of woman would have made a move on him when her child was missing? Not one he’d have any interest in. Right? He didn’t dare search for the answer.

  The hours he’d spent with Reina made it clear Nate’s needs came first. She didn’t brag. He heard the words not spoken. Though she hadn’t thought to bring food for herself, she’d made Nate several bottles before leaving the house for the police station. And had grabbed diapers and his favorite blanket. Her thoughtfulness also extended to others. While they’d waited, she’d noticed the elderly secretary struggling to type.

  Reina had pulled up a nearby chair and started a conversation with the woman. The acoustics in the room were lacking, so he’d picked up only a portion of the conversation that included the secretary admitting to suffering from arthritis and Reina modeling hand exercises to help ease the pain. How did she know what to do? He’d wondered and later learned her husband’s grandmother had suffered the same.

  Reina’s husband. What a judgmental fool he’d been for his feelings toward the man he thought had abandoned his family. God, please forgive me because I didn’t know. The signs might have been there, but he’d missed them completely. He’d been genuinely shocked to hear Reina express, almost to herself, her desire to have him alive. He hurt for her. Thankfully, he had limited experience with loss, but her obvious pain made it impossible not to feel something. She’d talked–not in detail–about his unexpected death over a year ago. The story had been plastered all over the news for weeks. The attempted murder of one cop and the murder of another a week later. He knew the story well. It had shaken him to realize the connection they shared–the same monster who murdered her husband had almost killed Jason. There hadn’t been time to process that fact.

  Everything about this screamed keep away. There were too many complications. Not to mention her obvious sadness. A widow still pining for her husband is not someone who needs you to muddle her life–even if she were interested in you or vice versa. He thought about this as he opened a new category for her: friends. He’d yet to experience friendship with a woman and wanted her to be the first. Fear gripped his heart.

  Chapter 4

  Jason let out a belly laugh. “Yeah. Sure,” he said, shaking his head.

  “You ‘bout done now?” Eli asked, not finding anything funny.

  They moved to the bleachers, leaving the gym floor open for others who wanted the court.

  Jason composed himself. “Let’s start again from the beginning.” He broke cop mode with a quick laugh. “You want me–” He pointed to himself for dramatic effect, “–to tell you–” This time he pointed to Eli, “–what it’s like to be just friends with a woman?” He tried his best to rein in the laughter. “Preacher man–”

  “You know I hate that nickname.”

  Jason continued, ignoring Eli’s complaint. “Why the sudden interest in cross-gender friendships?”

  “Keep smirking. Payback’s coming.”

  “You talk a lot of smack for someone who needs help.”

  “You gonna argue or tell me what I want to know?” Eli picked up the ball and motioned to leave. “I can hit the shower and get out of here.”

  “Be rude like that to Reina and you’ll kill the friendship before it starts.”

  Eli sat back down to listen. He saw Jason’s smug smile, but kept his mouth shut to let him finish.

  “The just-friends women don’t play. They’re quick to let you know what they will and won’t accept.”

  “Is that so?”

  “That’s been my experience.” He said. “That’s what happens when they don’t care about impressing you.”

  “Are you saying women only tell you how they really feel when they don’t need you to like them?”

  “Seems that way to me. That’s when they’re quick to put you in your place.”

  “Some women do that anyway.”

  “Not the ones you date.” Jason guffawed. “They have to be on their best behavior if they’re gonna get you to put a ring on it.”

  Eli ignored that comment. “To hear you say it, women are walking around with some polite dating mask they take off around men they’re not interested in.”

  “Again, just my experience.” He shrugged. “Not that I’m complaining. The women I count as friends are just that—friends. I prefer to keep the lines uncrossed.”

  “So Sophia doesn’t act the same around you as she does the guys she’s seeing.”

  “Come on, man. You’re not that dumb,” Jason replied, his face showing how ridiculous the question sounded. “You act like we didn’t both grow up with her. You think the same Sophia who’s quick to check me on my nonsense is the same Sophia other dudes get on dates?”

  “I have to look forward to Reina calling me a womanizing jerk like Sophia calls you?”

  “I’m not saying she definitely will. But it’ll happen if you give her reason to. She’ll call it as she sees it.”

  “You’re doing a lousy job of convincing me friendship with Reina is a good idea.” Eli wondered if this could actually work.

  “You’re the one coming to me like I’m an expert.” Jason’s tone lost its bite as he continued. “I speak what I know.”

  “And that is?”

  “The real difference between my friendship with you and my friendship with Sophia is the uncomplicated, backstage pass I get to a woman’s mind. She’s not the spokesperson for her gender, but she does give me insider advice I could never get from you.”

  The thought of asking Reina for advice on his love life left him off-kilter again. What is it about this woman? She messes with my equilibrium.

  He combed his fingers through his hair. “It’s not weird talking to her about other women?”

  “Why should it be?” Jason answered. “Ours is not that kind of relationship. You know that.”

  “So you both keep insisting.”

  “Aren’t we here to solve your problem?”

  Eli clamped down on his mouth to trap his smart response.

  Jason continued. “Velasquez and I give each other advice. She’ll deny it if you question her, but my advice has saved her from countless jerks over the years.”

  Eli didn’t ask but he figured he was one of those jerks. They’d moved on from that time long ago, but his guilt kept it close to the surface. It was the start of a pattern in his life that he was now trying to undo. He wondered about playing protector for Reina. For her and Nate. Then, he remembered Nate’s father. There would be no need to fend off potential suitors for Reina. Any man who tried to get close to her would likely fail.

  “Thanks for the wise words.” He moved in the direction of the lockers. “I have some things to think about.”

  Jason followed alongside.

  “Glad you’re not trying to date her.” Jason paused; he still seemed puzzled by the idea of Eli being just friends with a woman.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Now I’m free to ask her out.”

  No, Eli’s mind answered. To Jason he questioned, “Come again?”

  “Man, you know I can’t resist a woman with dark eyes and a killer smile,” Jason said. Eli could see Reina’s face flashing in his mind. “She must be deep in the friend zone if you’re not affected by that smile.”

  “My first official busine
ss as Reina’s friend is to keep you away from her.” Eli shoved the locker room door open, wondering why he did so with such force.

  “I know you can be your own best friend, but I thought that was my job,” the redhead on the screen joked. A shadow of pain underscored her statement. In thirteen years of friendship, Lauren had yet to successfully hide her hurt feelings. If she felt it, her face showed it. “He’s my godson. Don’t you think I needed to know something was wrong?” Before Reina could explain again, “And if you say one more time you didn’t want to worry me, I’m jumping through this laptop to beat you with my size five shoes.”

  “Size five in your dreams.”

  “Fine. With my clown shoes.”

  “Your feet are freakishly large for such a tiny body.”

  They broke into a giggle.

  Lauren’s actual size ten feet were the only disproportionate part of her demand-attention petite frame. She rounded out the package with silky red hair and an unfairly proportionate face and flawless skin peppered with precisely placed freckles. On any other woman freckles were cute. On Lauren, they couldn’t be anything but striking.

  “I really am sorry, Ariel.” She used her favorite nickname for her best friend. The one she’d decided on when they’d met in college and Reina declared she looked like a grown-up version of her favorite childhood cartoon mermaid. “I wasn’t thinking straight to remember to call to fill you in.”

  “And afterwards? It’s been a week.”

  Guilt silenced Reina.

  “I hate when you play superwoman and refuse to let anyone be there for you.” Lauren continued. “How many times are we going to keep fighting about this? You can’t do friendship alone.”

  Reina couldn’t muster a defense. This was a constant battle in their relationship. Reina tended to depend on herself, a habit she’d developed after losing her parents. She’d learned to lean on Jared but had withdrawn further into her cocoon after his death.

  “I can’t wait to meet your Svengali Elijah. How did he get you to accept his help? This I must know.”

  “He’s not my anything. He’s a nice guy who would have helped any neighbor in need.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes so convincingly Reina thought for a second they were stuck in that position. “Hmm,” she added at the end of the eye-roll.

  “Were you born this suspicious?”

  “Not at all. I was a perfectly trusting baby. My radar only perks up when someone’s not telling me the truth.”

  “Don’t you mean when they don’t tell you what you want to hear?”

  “Can we meet somewhere in the middle?”

  “Oh, the middle, of course. Tell you the truth according to what you want to hear?”

  Lauren’s laugh in response must have startled Nate, who made his presence known on the baby monitor. She pretended to wipe her brow. “Phew. Thanks Nate, sweetie, for saving the day.”

  “Stay put while I grab him.”

  Reina brought Nate out to the living room and had him face the laptop.

  “There’s not a cuter baby on this planet.” Lauren waved to Nate.

  “Biased, but I agree completely.”

  “Godmommy Ariel will see you in two weeks.” She amused Nate by making funny faces. “It could be sooner, but your mean mommy is making me stay the length of this conference because she said the crisis is over.”

  Reina rolled her eyes. “Drama queen.”

  “Love you, too. Love you, Nate. Don’t break any more hearts until I get home.” Lauren blew Nate a kiss and ended with, “We’ll talk about Eli when I get back,” and quickly logged off.

  “Sneak!” Reina yelled at the now blank screen. What’s there to talk about? Eli is a decent person who cared about a fellow human being. Nothing more. Lauren and her never ending quest to play matchmaker will not make more of this than there is.

  A week later on the courts, Jason’s hand paused mid-throw. Since elementary school, all important conversations took place over a game of basketball. Back then their priorities were uncomplicated. How could they convince their parents to buy them the latest video game for Christmas? What animal could they use to disgust Mary Jane Emerson for ratting them out for their previous pranks? Where else could they hide their vegetables so they wouldn’t have to eat them? Simplicity was the game at age ten."How’d I miss that one?” Jason's focus was now completely off his intended three-point shot. He dropped the ball and stared at Eli.

  "Your attention was on helping find her son. Besides, you couldn’t have remembered her face. I didn’t. Outside of the brief glance of her at the funeral where she was surrounded by the guys from her husband’s precinct, she stayed out of the spotlight."

  Eli recalled seeing her from a distance while the funeral procession marched near his firehouse. Like the other firefighters, he had stood at attention to pay his respect. She'd looked . . . broken. As if no amount of comfort could ever make her whole again. She’d cried silent tears, but her trembling body spoke volumes about the crushing blow her husband's murder had dealt her. There was no escaping her sadness. Something inside him had shared it with her that day, yet she'd been a perfect stranger. Observing her pain, it had been impossible to let her carry the burden alone. Silently and from afar, he'd offered her his strength. While they never made eye contact and there was nothing in her demeanor to indicate receipt of his gift, he had been affected.

  This is the same woman I want to build a friendship with. Eli still couldn’t get his mind to process it.

  Jason's voice filtered into his memory. "How did she react?"

  “I haven’t mentioned it yet.”

  Jason scratched his day-old stubble. “Damn. What do I say to her?” He paced the floor. Stopped. Started again. Stopped once more. Whatever answer he needed he wouldn’t get from pacing.

  “You don’t have to say anything.”

  “How can I not? I survived the bastard who killed her husband.” They walked off the court. “I need time to wrap my head around this. Figure out what to do next.”

  “Didn’t mean to drop this on you.” Although he hadn’t brought it up right away, Eli had quickly dismissed not telling Jason the truth. This news was part of his story and he had the right to know.

  “You’re my boy. It’s the truth or nothing.”

  “T or N.” Eli agreed. A reference to the friendship code they’d shared since the fourth grade.

  “Catch you later.” Eli grabbed his gym bag, deciding to shower at home instead. He needed to talk to Reina. He wouldn’t question why, but was it important to make sure she could handle it if Jason wanted to talk.

  Reina stared at the note in her hand stamped with sweat stains.

  “I can’t leave this with the doorman now,” she mumbled to herself. She took a breath to calm her shaking hands.

  “What is mommy so nervous about?” she asked her uninterested son. “It’s only an invitation for Eli to a thank-you dinner.” Losing her courage, she made a beeline for the elevator. While she waited, she thought of the last elevator ride without Nathaniel and hugged him closer. Her son squirmed as if telling her to stop holding on so protectively. “I want to shelter you so much.” She looked at Nate. “But you'll probably hate being the only college freshman sharing a dorm room with his mother.” Strangely, Nate chose that moment to giggle. “Your joy makes me think maybe God has a sprinkling of love left for me. I hope. Otherwise.” She quieted down when the elevator came to a stop in the lobby.

  Eli watched Reina’s mouth curve upward as soon as she spotted him.

  I ought to have my head examined. Just pretty, not beautiful? Eli chided himself after receiving her radiant smile framed by never-ending dimples. The bright lights of the lobby lit up the heart-shaped birthmark. If it was mine to give, you’d never know sadness again.

  “It's great to see you–”

  “It's great to see you–”

  They chuckled at the awkward start.

  “Nate,” Eli touched the baby’s finger, “nice to se
e you without the chaos.” Nathaniel gurgled his agreement. Reaching for the buttons on his jacket, Nate happily shifted from his mother to Eli. May I? Eli’s brow requested, as Reina stepped forward to place a babbling Nate in his arms. A whiff of something pleasurable tickled his nose, and left his senses enticed.

  “I think he recognizes his hero.” Reina watched Nate’s round eyes intently focused on Eli’s face.

  “Nah. He’s probably wondering why my face is so scruffy.” As if prompted by his words, Nate extended a finger to investigate further. “Future explorer.” Nate’s investigation moved from his face to his hair.

  Apologizing, Reina attempted to grab her son’s attention, but he remained transfixed on Eli. “You’ve snaked my title of ‘Most Interesting Adult Human’.”

  He responded with laughter at the mocked hurt on her face as she pretended to hand him an invisible trophy. Guess I’m more attracted to sense of humor than I thought. He added this to his mental count of all the things he thought he knew about his taste in women that were being challenged by Reina.

  “Sorry this annoying mother-son team is holding you hostage."

  “Nate’s not annoying.”

  She laughed herself into a snort. “We’ll pretend you never heard that.”

  He imagined she was blushing but her complexion saved it from being visible. “I’d be setting a bad example for Nate if I lie.” He winked at her.

  She reached out open arms to him. “I’ll take my baby while I still have a smidgen of dignity left.”