Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  “I’m saying this one more time: Are you insane?!?!”

  “You always did have a flair for the dramatic.” Reina handed Lauren the baby and headed to the bathroom to wash her hands.

  She should have known Lauren would follow.

  “What is it exactly you don’t like about him? That he’s sexy? Funny? Compassionate? Considerate? Stop me when I’ve found the flaw.”

  “I’m going to start lunch.”

  “You can’t grill cheese your way out of this conversation,” Lauren said, following her. “Why won’t you give Eli a chance?”

  “If he’s so amazing, you date him.”

  Reina hid the uncomfortable feeling that immediately lodged in her stomach at the thought. It was eerily familiar to what she’d felt downstairs when they’d run into Eli on his way out. She’d reluctantly introduced Eli to her best friend with a quiet fear that he, like every straight man with a pulse, would find her irresistible. She didn’t like the petty feeling. In all their years of friendship, she’d never been bothered when men would fawn over Lauren. Why did she care now? She reprimanded herself for the reason—Eli. She chided herself again. Thoughts of Eli shortchanged Jared, especially now.

  “Maybe I will.”

  Reina dropped the butter knife. Lauren stood to pick it up, but Reina motioned for her to stay seated.

  “That’s a curious reaction from someone who is not interested in the man.”

  “It slipped.”

  “I can ask him out then?”

  “With my blessing.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Believe what you want,” Reina snapped. “Jared hasn’t even been gone a year. Am I supposed to honor his memory by celebrating the first anniversary of his death on my honeymoon?”

  “Rei.” Lauren walked up and gave Reina a hug—a bit awkward with Nathaniel squeezed in between them.

  “That gossip columnist called me today,” Reina said, as she disengaged from Lauren’s hug and pulled up a nearby chair. Her legs felt like liquid. They wouldn’t be able to hold her up much longer if she didn’t sit down soon.

  “How? You changed your number when you moved here.”

  The tight, painful knot squeezing Reina’s neck left her struggling to move her head. She raised her heavy left arm to massage the tension. She’d barely slept these last few weeks. Awake and awaiting the grim anniversary to come. The anticipation dragged her body down like the buildup of snow on a shoddy roof.

  Her tongue heavy, she struggled to find the energy to answer Lauren’s questions. “Apparently mine is a great human-interest segment.”

  “Is this a joke? She’s joking right?” Lauren adjusted her chair to face Reina, keeping a firm hold on Nate.

  “Ironic, isn’t it. I have no interest in living my own story. Why would anyone want to see it?”

  “That trash.” Lauren grounded out. “You didn’t want to talk to her or any media back then. Why did she think you’d change your mind now?”

  “Who knows. The conversation ended as soon as she suggested accompanying me to the cemetery next month on the actual anniversary.” Reina was repulsed, recalling the woman’s syrupy sweet voice as she’d tried to persuade her.

  Lauren shot up from the chair, her rapid movement and raised voice startling Nate. “She wanted what?!”

  “I made it clear if she came anywhere near me again, I’d file a harassment complaint and sue her and that tacky online show.”

  “Of all the selfish, self-centered moves. This woman is a snake,” Lauren spat out. “Jared’s buddies should have let me snatch her bald when she ambushed you for a comment as you were leaving the funeral.”

  “She didn’t know I had my own Mother Hen ready to peck her eyes out,” Reina said. “Luckily for her they escorted her away before you could come around the corner.”

  “She’ll do good to remember that and stay away from you.” Changing the subject, Lauren added, “Take Nate. I’ll make the sandwiches.” She handed Nate to his mom. “You always butter the bread within an inch of its life.”

  “And don’t forget piling it up with enough cheese to choke a mouse,” Reina remarked proudly.

  “The dimples on my thighs are my body’s way of saying thanks for seven years of eating almost nothing but your grilled cheese sandwiches.”

  “Remind your imaginary cellulite that’s all we could afford in college and grad school.”

  After a quick lunch, Lauren spied the time and groaned. “The car service should be downstairs.”

  “These long trips are rough.”

  “I hate that I’m leaving you now. If there was a way I could get out of this trip—”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “That’s your constant refrain.”

  “Because it’s true.” She smiled at Lauren. “Go. Enjoy your amazing adventure.”

  “You’ve forgotten how boring it is to travel for business. By the time I’m done with meetings all I want to do is sleep.” Lauren grabbed her oversize rolling suitcase.

  “I don’t miss it at all, but I do miss us traveling for fun. Remember those days?”

  “Sneaking off the main road and following a no-sign pathway unsure if we’re walking to our death or about to discover some secret treasure we’d never find in a tourist guide.”

  “Like when we stumbled upon that couple’s backyard reception in Tuscany. It’s a good thing you were taking Italian that semester. You talked us out of that one real fast.”

  Reina laughed. “It wasn’t the Italian so much as pleading stupid tourists that they appreciated.”

  “And it turned out great. We met some quirky locals, enjoyed a feast, and have stories to tell our grandkids.” Lauren’s smile widened. “Although when I recount our travel stories, I might leave out how many gorgeous men live around the world and how we seemed to have met them all.” Lauren winked at Reina.

  “Forever boy crazy.”

  “And you’re the forever one-man girl.”

  “You make it sound like a disease.”

  “I honestly don’t mean to. I only want you to accept there’s room in that huge heart of yours for another.”

  “How could I have loved Jared if I can move on with someone else already?”

  “Rei, I’m so sorry for pushing you on this.” Lauren squeezed her hand. “Sweetie, no one can ever question your love for him.” She smiled as she regarded Nate in his mother’s arm. “Whether you marry someone else today or ten years from now, Jared will always be a part of you. All you have to do is look at Nate. Those piercing, perceptive brown eyes are his father’s.” Lauren gave her time to think. “It’s not betraying Jared to be happy again or to want to be happy again.”

  “What if I don’t want to? What if I just want love to leave me alone?”

  “You’re only thirty.”

  “What does that matter? I’m done.”

  Lauren patted her shoulder in empathy. “Aren’t you the one who used to tell me all the time God orders our steps? If it’s His will for something to happen, it will.”

  Reina gawked at her in disbelief. She’d actually been listening. She ignored the guilt pang. She hadn’t said a word about God to Lauren since Jared’s death. “I assumed you blocked out all the Jesus references from our conversations years ago.”

  “Guess it was God’s will for some of those lessons to seep in. I know you live and not just preach that Bible of yours.”

  Lauren’s words convicted Reina’s spirit. I used to.

  “You’ll have to come to terms with the fact that your plan might not be God’s will for your life.” She hugged Reina and Nathaniel goodbye. “Think about it, Rei. See you in a couple of months. Love you both.”

  Reina contemplated Lauren’s parting words hours after her departure. Jared had remained the only man in her heart, even though she’d kicked him out her life. She’d dated a little in college and after, but no one had held her attention for long, let alone gotten to a place to evict Jared from her heart. Be
fore Eli, she never imagined anyone could. And that’s what scared her senseless. She was content remaining alone for the rest of her life with only Nate and Jared’s memory to keep her company. Cupid-in-heels Lauren refused to let her bury her heart in grief.

  Rubbing the tightness in her temple, Reina grabbed her tablet and pulled up Matthew on her Bible application. She read the Lord’s Prayer in the sixth chapter and stopped to meditate on a section of the tenth verse: Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

  She paused to pray, needing God’s guidance.

  God, I’m not sure You even want to hear my prayer. But something felt like it changed after You brought Nate home, like You still cared about me. I know I’ve been unsure of You these last few months and haven’t wanted to believe You still hold my life. God, I want to be sorry, but I’m still so angry that You’ve taken Jared. Now Lauren is reminding me that once upon a time Your will mattered to me. That I should ask You what Your will is for my life now. I don’t know if I trust that Your will won’t hurt me again. I know what I want for my life: for my heart to be left alone. It can’t break anymore. But is that Your plan for me? Or is it to find love again? With Eli? A man with a dangerous career? Am I supposed to let Jared go? Lord, You took him away from me, but I’m just not ready. I’m gripping on to the past so tightly my knuckles are bleeding. Please don’t make me. If it’s Your will, I guess there’s nothing I can do about it. But have some compassion. Please don’t force me to give my heart to someone else. That’s Jared’s heart.

  She ended the prayer but continued to meditate on the “Your will be done” portion of the verse, fearful that God’s desire would once again cause her pain.

  On a frigid afternoon in the middle of February, Eli and Jason stood like bookends framing Reina’s doorway. Eli saw Jason’s surprise when she stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. He cleared his throat and joked about never receiving such an enthusiastic welcome. She playfully punched him on the arm for his comment.

  “Officer, you're just going to stand there and watch an honest citizen be assaulted?”

  “She keeps those hugs coming and she can do whatever she wants.”

  Inviting Jason to sit on the couch, Reina excused herself. “I have to check on Nate.” Nate was loudly making his presence known.

  “Want a soda or something?” Eli asked Jason and took a seat in the adjacent chair when he declined.

  “You know your way around Reina’s apartment.”

  "And?"

  "You’ve been spending practically every day with her and Nate. You’re free to roam around her home. In her fridge.” Jason left Eli to draw his own conclusions.

  “Not a good time for this conversation.”

  “What conversation?” Reina asked. They turned as she walked toward them with Nate.

  “He’s changed so much in a few short weeks,” Jason said.

  Reina pinched Nate’s cheeks. “That’s what babies do. His face is not as round as the last time you saw him.” Reina visibly shivered. “I want to hug you every time I think of how you helped me that day.”

  “Just doing my job.”

  “Not technically your job while you’re on leave.”

  Eli had shared with her that Jason was taking time off to “figure things out.” He assumed she hadn’t wanted to intrude by asking what things exactly.

  “Hopefully I can help with your project while I’m on this break. Fill me in. What’s it about?”

  “The hours Nate was missing were a living nightmare.” Reina settled with him on her lap on the opposite end of the couch. “Then I had to worry about how Officer Miller’s hatred for me could impact his safe return.”

  “I’m not going to insult us by pretending we don’t know what Miller’s nasty attitude was about,” Jason said, surprising her with his frankness.

  “As soon as he laid eyes on us, it was clear he didn’t like my Black with Eli’s white.”

  “We could have corrected his assumption that we were a couple but that was the last thing we were worried about,” Eli said.

  “He was stewing in his hatred but his feelings about us didn’t matter. We just needed him to find Nate,” Reina added.

  “I don’t know how many times that night I had to stop myself from knocking that smug hateful look off his face.”

  “Good thing you kept your cool, man,” Jason responded. “I’m sure the rest of his officers would have loved to see you clobber him, but they could never allow it. With guns drawn, the situation could have turned deadly.”

  Reina shuddered.

  “I’m grateful for my happy ending, but I don’t want it to end at gratitude.”

  “The project?” Jason asked.

  She nodded. “Other Black families don’t have an Eli who can call up a Jason for backup. Even if they don’t face a Miller, statistics show they’re still at a disadvantage.”

  “You could have told him you were a policeman’s widow,” Jason stated. “Why didn’t you?”

  “I see Eli filled you in.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eli said. “It wasn’t meant as gossip.”

  Reina shook her head. “It’s not a secret.”

  She turned back to Jason. “And to answer your question, it didn’t cross my mind.” Reina playfully poked Nate’s belly. “Why should anyone need special treatment for their voice to be heard and their problems to be taken seriously?”

  “They shouldn’t,” Jason agreed.

  “Which is why I want to do this fundraiser,” Reina answered.

  “Eli told me that’s what you invited me over to talk about.”

  “It is. I’ve been doing a lot of research on missing children,” Reina responded. “The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children’s work is crucial.”

  “The folks at NCMEC do great work. Tough work. I’ve gotten to know a couple of their staff over the years. Good people,” Jason responded.

  “Their work is great, but they need help when it comes to supporting our people,” Reina said.

  “Missing persons is not my focus, but we do get NCMEC training every year,” Jason replied. “Last I remember, people of color make up 60% of names in this country’s databases.”

  “And half of those, according to the most recent stats, are Black,” Reina added on. “But those families get so little support. From my research, they rarely get the level of media coverage they need to put or keep the spotlight on their missing loved ones.”

  “Which is why organizations like the Black and Missing Foundation are so important.” Eli re-entered the conversation. Jason’s raised eyebrow prompted him to shrug and add, “I’ve been helping with the research.”

  “The money you’re planning to raise is to help them?” Jason asked Reina.

  “Them and NCMEC. They do what NCMEC does but with a specific focus on bringing awareness to missing people of color. They provide those families with the vital resources, like media access, they need to help find their loved ones,” Eli answered in her place.

  “I’ve already been in contact with both organizations who seem excited about the idea,” said Reina. “I’d like you involved. Hopefully officers Connelly and Morrison as well, but I’ll have to pay them a visit and ask.”

  “Not sure how I can help, but I’m in,” Jason answered.

  “You can do a lot. The level of anxiety you feel not knowing if your child is safe or if they’ll ever come home,” Reina shuddered, “is something I don’t have the words to explain. The last thing those families need is animosity from the police. The people who are supposed to help them.”

  “I’m not one to write off people, but I doubt there’s any hope for Miller. His kind of hate runs deep in his core,” Jason said. He sounded like he was offering Reina an apology on Miller’s behalf.

  “You’re probably right.” Reina sighed. “But I’m not looking to change hearts. That’s God’s department. What I can do is help these organizations fund the kind of support and response systems the families need.
And officers like you need to counter and check the Millers on the force.”

  “Okay. Where do we go from here?” Jason asked.

  Chapter 6

  Over the next several hours they brainstormed ideas and jotted down tentative dates for the fundraiser.

  Eli watched, mostly quiet, as Reina and Jason engaged in animated conversation. There was an easy rapport between them that left him feeling like an outsider. They sat comfortably on the couch and chatted like an old married couple. He felt uneasy seeing how Nate—seated on his mother's lap—added to the family portrait. Almost robotically, his eyes did a split screen of the wedding picture on the side table and the live portrait of Jason, Reina, and Nate. Though he could hear Jason's ‘all black people don't look alike’ joke, there was no denying the similarities between he and Jared. They both shared the same deep brown coloring, short-cropped hair, and broad shoulders. He wondered about Reina's instant comfort with Jason. Was it a subconscious attraction to the qualities he shared with her late husband?

  How would she react to learning that Jason survived the man who killed Jared? Eli had tried multiple times to bring up the subject but never found the right moment. When he’d finally decided to talk to her, Jason had asked that he be allowed to do it instead.

  “I feel like a coward letting you do it,” he’d told Eli. “You don’t share that kind of connection with someone and let her hear it from someone else,” Jason had added, “Even if that someone else is you.”

  Eli was disgusted with himself for worrying this connection might bond them. Needing to clear his head and put space between him and the cozy scene on the couch, he volunteered to go pick up the pizza they'd ordered minutes ago.

  “You’re not getting a tip.” Reina gave him a timid smile. He could read the silent question in her eyes: What is going on with you?

  He did his best to reassure her with his return smile. By the still puzzled look on her face, he did not succeed.

  “Here,” She threw him her apartment key on his way out, “let yourself back in.”