Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  Reina’s unspoken question glittered in her eyes.

  “Me? I could barely remember giving thought to marriage or children, yet that’s the road the Lord took me on.” She watched and waited for Reina to decide if she too wanted to share. The quick double blink in response to her statement convinced Angela there was much on this young woman’s mind. When she didn’t say anything, Angela added, “When I had Allison, I couldn’t turn around without thinking I’d made a mistake. I questioned everything I did.”

  Reina responded softly, “I know that feeling.”

  “Did I give her enough food? Was the temperature in the room too hot? What if I said something that would damage her for the rest of her life?”

  “Sounds like a lot of my questions.”

  “These are some of the same questions mothers in the past wondered about, and I imagine, mothers today continue to ask.” Angela sipped her tea. “Not that you’d know it. We’re too afraid of being judged to let on that we’re scared and unsure of how to be good mothers.”

  Angela watched Reina’s eyes lit up. She heard Reina suck in a succession of quick breaths, as if struggling to hold back tears.

  Angela regarded Reina with a mother’s affection. She could tell the child was hurting. She only hoped Reina would be comfortable enough to confide in her. She silently counted twenty heartbeats while sipping her vanilla tea. She was used to waiting out unresponsive children. She smiled softly to encourage Reina to speak.

  She saw Reina look down at her twitching index and middle fingers and saw her mumble something to herself. She watched Reina try to steady her shaking hand and tried to firmly hold the delicate cup in her lap without breaking it or spilling her drink.

  Twice Reina started to talk and quickly stopped. Angela counted more beats. Finally, on beat fifty, Reina spilled her heart.

  “It was Jared who wanted Nate.” She kept her head down, eyes fixed on the teacup as if it could give her courage. “He was the one who convinced me to have a baby when I was certain I never would.”

  “We seem to have a lot in common.”

  “Mr. Cooper?”

  “Yes. Charles.”

  “After my parents died, I decided I would never have kids. I didn’t want to do what they did—leave a scared, thirteen-year-old on this earth wondering why her parents didn’t love her enough to stay alive to raise her.”

  Angela’s heart hurt for Reina. She hoped Reina would draw strength from her comfort.

  “I eventually grew out of that self-centered thought. It wasn’t fair of me to blame my parents for dying.” Reina averted her eyes. It was clear she was embarrassed to admit those feelings.

  Angela gently squeezed her hand which drew Reina’s eyes to her face. “You were a young girl trying to process a very complicated set of emotions. I don’t see it as selfish or self-centered.”

  Reina squeezed her hand back in thanks. “Jared said something similar, but it took a lot of convincing to change my mind.” She admitted. “I blamed myself when I lost Nate. Something deep inside kept taunting me, telling me it would have never happened had I wanted to have him in the first place. Any normal, loving mother wouldn’t have been so irresponsible as to lose her child.”

  Admitting those words out loud broke the dam that held Reina’s tears.

  Angela embraced her the way she would one of her children who needed comfort. She remembered her own mother’s words from long ago. Sometimes the best thing a mother can provide is a hug while her child soaks her shirt with tears.

  “This is so embarrassing.” Reina sniffed, as she grabbed a nearby cloth napkin to pat Angela’s shoulder dry.

  Angela gently removed the napkin from her hand. “I cried very similar words to my mother after Allison’s death.”

  Reina looked surprised by Angela’s admission. She remained quiet to allow her to continue.

  “I thought she died of leukemia because I was a bad mother. Because I hadn’t loved her enough.”

  “That’s not something you could have controlled.”

  When Angela smiled softly at her, Reina heard her message.

  “That’s different. You didn’t cause her cancer.”

  “What happened with Nate was an accident.” Angela was gentle yet firm. “It could have happened to any mother. Heck, to any parent.”

  Reina seemed hesitant to accept that truth.

  Angela finished. “Just because we came into motherhood kicking and screaming doesn’t mean we’d deliberately put our children in danger.”

  The image drew a shy smile from Reina. Angela hoped the words would help soothe her guilt.

  “Don’t let doubt and self-blame steal motherhood from you.” She spoke earnestly. “Nate is healthy, happy, and flourishing in your hands. God didn’t put him there and then abandon you to raise him alone. Trust Him to continue showing you how.”

  Reina, too emotional to speak, nodded her thanks.

  “Now let me tell you about the many blessings and headaches your child will bring you.”

  They laughed together for the next few hours while Angela shared more stories of her children growing up, and Reina relayed some of Nate’s antics so far.

  Charles saw Eli’s concern grow as Reina cried. His son had been on his way to the garden but stopped when he spotted Angela and Reina in conversation. He’d turned back, probably to give them privacy, but lingered at the doorway when he heard Reina’s sobs.

  Eli moved to turn the knob and was startled by Charles’ hand on his shoulder.

  “Let them finish.”

  Eli’s hand had paused on the doorknob. It was clear he was conflicted about letting Reina cry without offering her comfort.

  “I won’t admit to eavesdropping, but I sense a mother’s ear is exactly what Reina needs right now,” said Charles.

  Eli turned around and found himself staring into his father’s sympathetic blue eyes.

  “How long have I been your father?”

  “Dad, that game stopped being funny after the 8th grade.”

  “Humor me.”

  “All my life.”

  “That’s a long time for you not to trust me to tell you the truth.”

  Eli removed his hand from the knob and stepped back, but stayed close, watching out of the french doors leading to the garden. Out of sight not to be spotted, but close enough to intervene if Reina needed him.

  “Those are two very remarkable women,” his father commented.

  “I’d say so.”

  Charles observed his son and saw the love for Reina reflected in his eyes. From all that Angie had said, Eli was past the point of no return. He’d given his heart to Reina and Nate and now waited anxiously for them to accept it and give him theirs in return. Nate was easy. His mother posed the challenge.

  “I pray she gets to a place where she can love you back as much as you love her.”

  Eli’s head had spun quickly to face his father. “I should have known my mother wouldn’t keep this to herself. Who else has she told?”

  “Your mom means well. Besides, Stevie Wonder in the dark can see your feelings for that girl.”

  “It’s a good thing we’re leaving before it becomes obvious to her.”

  Charles waited out Eli, sensing he needed to share more.

  “She’s not ready dad, at least not for me. You and mom always said there’s nothing arbitrary in God’s movement.”

  “It’s a truth we live by.”

  “I know God brought me into their lives for a reason…”

  His father nodded, encouraging him to continue.

  “It feels like I’m here to show her it’s okay to love again.”

  “It may very well be.”

  “But what if I’m not meant to be the one for her to love?” The words settled around them, heavy in the air. “Jace has so much in common with Jared.”

  Charles’ questioning gaze reflected his confusion. “Jason? What does he have to do with this?”

  Eli explained the connection be
tween the three and the bond Reina and Jason shared because of it. Charles listened intently, hurting to hear the pain in his son’s voice.

  “Maybe my purpose is to help her see she can open her heart up to a man already very much like the husband she misses so much.”

  “And you think that’s a good thing?”

  “Wish I knew.”

  “How’s Reina ever truly to heal if she moves on with someone because he reminds her of Jared?” Charles’ soft tone conveyed his compassion. “That wouldn’t be fair to her or Jace.”

  “I didn’t consider that.”

  “Don’t you think Jason deserves to be loved for himself and not as a substitute?”

  “Maybe she doesn’t see it that way.”

  “How does she see it?” His father leaned against the wall. “To hear your mother tell it, you and Reina are practically married, and Nate is our grandson with future grandchildren to come.”

  “Sounds like mom.”

  “If she’s practically a Cooper, where does Jason fit in? Did she tell you she has feelings for him?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What exactly?”

  Eli had stalked away from the door, his father following at his heel.

  “You can’t discount the kind of connection that forms after such a powerful, shared experience.”

  “No. I can’t. But she also shared a life-altering moment with you. There’s no discounting that.”

  “It could have been anyone that day.”

  Charles eyed his son with pity. “God planned to link Reina and Jason through Jared, but God had nothing to do with your presence at Reina’s side on a day where she needed it most?”

  When Eli did not respond, Charles continued. “So God was on a break that day, huh?”

  Eli cracked a quick smile. “My logic is ridiculous when you put it that way.”

  “Son, did you ever think you’re connecting the wrong dots?”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning it’s very possible the path you think God set to lead Jason to Reina is actually the path He set to lead you to her.”

  Eli quietly considered Charles’ words but did not respond.

  “Seems to me like you have the right pieces but trying to put together the wrong puzzle.”

  “Maybe so…but we kissed last night and I thought something was there. But she ran away. And when I finally found her, she was there with Jace. Having what seemed like a very private chat.”

  Angela had sensed something had happened yesterday and said so to him after they returned from church earlier today. Now Charles understood Reina’s nervousness and Eli’s bummed attitude. He was hurting.

  “I happened upon her telling Jason how much talking to him reminded her of the talks she used to have with Jared. She went on about how carefree and uncomplicated it was to share her feelings with him.”

  “I see why that would bother you.”

  “Yeah. It killed what had been a great night.”

  “Maybe it’s easier to share things with Jason because her feelings of friendship for him are certain. With you, the lines are unclear.”

  “Or maybe I’m just not the man for her.” He rubbed his temple. “That kiss felt like a turning point between us.”

  “Who says it wasn’t? You’re here ready to turn your back on what could be based on nothing but assumptions. That’s not like you.”

  “I hear you, Dad. Let’s just drop it.”

  As if he hadn’t spoken, Charles continued. “You’re always one to confront things head-on.”

  Eli shrugged again.

  “Don’t let pride stand in your way. Go see where you stand with Reina.” Eli’s father regarded him with gentleness. “Wherever it is, you can’t decide how to move forward until you know.”

  Eli pushed himself off the corner of the couch and walked toward the kitchen. “Thanks, Dad.” His voice carried its customary ‘I’m done’ tone.

  Charles knew there would be nothing else said about this topic today. He took a step to close the space between them and threw his arm casually across his son’s shoulder. “What do you say we grab a couple of your mom’s fancy cupcakes to fuel us for a game of chess?”

  “A father after my own heart.”

  They chuckled on the way to the fridge.

  “My children would be much better off if they took love advice from their sage mom.” Angela winked at her husband. “Their father can confirm. Right, honey?”

  Charles looked up from reading his paper. “She gives the best advice I never asked for.”

  The group walking into the living room laughed heartily. Angela turned toward the entryway to see Eli carrying Nate alongside Elizabeth and Caroline.

  “Children, I hope you’ve enjoyed having a father all these years. It’s a shame I have to kill him.”

  Angela pretended to ignore Charles when he walked up to kiss her cheek. “I’ve sought your advice for forty-plus years, and God willing, I’ll keep seeking it for the next forty.”

  A collective awww echoed around the room.

  Blushing, Angela warned Reina to be aware of the Romeo genes that her husband passed on to their son.

  “I learned from the best and now shall pass that wisdom on to my man Nate.”

  They all laughed as they watched Eli try to high-five Nate.

  While they moved on to another topic, Angela sat quietly considering her son’s words. To hear and see how comfortably he interacted with Reina and Nate warmed her heart. She’d prayed for years for him to find a God-fearing woman who could love him and make him laugh. The Lord certainly delivered. She’d been initially worried that Reina couldn’t feel the same about him, but after this weekend it was clear to her—although Charles cautioned her to tread lightly—that Reina loved her son as much as he loved her.

  She felt for Reina’s predicament. From their conversations, it’s clear that Reina loved her husband deeply. Her challenge seemed to be whether or not she wanted to move on without him. Angela sent a quick prayer that she would.

  “Do you have to take him home?” Elizabeth asked. She was bouncing Nate on her lap.

  The group watched Nate squeal with joy.

  “He loves us,” said Angela.

  “Judging by the way you all clamor for a chance to hold him, I’d say the feeling is mutual,” Eli chimed in.

  “Please let him stay,” said Elizabeth.

  “Sorry, sis,” Eli responded. “We’re out of here as soon as Nate’s mom is done packing her tenth suitcase.”

  “What forest did your lovely family find you in again?” Reina’s response elicited laughter from all in the room.

  “We take no responsibility for him.” This came from a smiling Elizabeth as she handed Nate back to Reina. “Need help packing?”

  "Not for packing, but I welcome the company."

  "I'll join you,” said Caroline. She linked her arm with Elizabeth’s ready to follow Reina to the guest room.

  "You can leave Nate with us," Angela said. "I can teach him a few more of the songs I used to sing to the kids when they were his age."

  "Dad, please remind her that she has to give Nate back,” Eli said.

  His mother swatted him on the arm. "All the more reason to spend time with him while I can."

  Reina handed Nate over to Angela. "Let her enjoy herself,” Caroline said. “Nate’s the closest she’ll ever have to a grandchild.”

  “Not ever. To start.” They heard Angela yell after them.

  "I'll be in New York after all for New Year's Eve," Elizabeth said.

  “I’m so glad,” Reina responded. “All of you can be my guests at the fundraiser.”

  "What happened to the NYE Book Dinner James was insisting you attend?" Caroline asked her sister.

  "I changed his mind. He’s coming with me.”

  "What’s left to do for the ball?”

  Reina folded another one of Nate’s shirts and turned to answer Caroline.

  “Your mother, the woman who can
sell ice to an Eskimo, solved my last big worry by selling the remaining tickets.”

  “Great. Now you can coast for the next few months,” Elizabeth said.

  “If by coasting you mean finish planning Nate’s first birthday party for October, finalize the gala details, and find something halfway decent to wear.”

  “I’m getting tired just listening to you talk about it.” Elizabeth smiled at her.

  “I’m so glad for Eli and team.” Reina threw a carelessly folded shirt into her suitcase. “I should finish packing before your brother comes back here to complain.”

  They fell on the bed laughing when Eli appeared in the room within minutes of Reina’s words.

  Eli watched Reina out of the corner of his eyes. It was almost laughable how she’d avoided talking about their kiss for most of the ride home. They needed to clear the air. He had to know where he stood with her.

  “Are you interested in Jace?”

  Reina nearly choked on the water she sipped. “What…what?” She wiped the drops that escaped down her shirt. “Where’d that come from?”

  “I’ve never shared a passionate kiss with a woman and then have her run off to find comfort in the arms of my best friend.” His tone was even but his eyes betrayed his discomfort. “Jason and I don’t share women.”

  “It’s a shame you’ve lost your mind.” Reina rolled her eyes. “That’s the only reason I can imagine why you’re insulting my character.”

  “I’m not insulting you.”

  She smirked. “Oh, you’re not?” Reina leveled her voice. “It sounded awfully like that to me.”

  “Look,” Eli spoke without any urgency to apologize, “if you want to pursue things with Jace let me know and I’ll back off.”

  “How about letting you know you’re an idiot?”

  “Now who’s throwing insults?”

  “You don’t get to cry hurt feelings after accusing me of making out with you while pining for Jason.”

  “That’s not what I said.”

  “That’s exactly what you said.” Her disappointment diffused her anger. “Is this who you think I am?”

  Affected by her obvious hurt, Eli replied, “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.” He pulled off the main road and found a parking spot near a neighborhood park. They needed to have this conversation while he could focus. “I’m going about it like a jerk. I’m sorry.”