Accepting Elijah's Heart

by M. Michelle Derosier

  The stillness of the room helped to calm her frazzled nerves. She would see Eli for the first time since God had answered her prayer. Just yesterday she’d broken down and asked Jason to confirm his attendance. Eli had sent a text that said, “I keep my promises.” Reading between the lines, she’d guessed he’d been insulted. Not a good start to the conversation she hoped to have with him. Her stomach bubbled with worry.

  “Just relax,” she said out loud.

  “I’ve heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.”

  Reina nearly swallowed her tongue in surprise at his unexpected arrival. She turned to face him. Eli in a suit was jaw-dropping. Eli in a tux was downright dangerous. She was slammed with feelings of regret. She and Nate belonged with Eli. But had she come to that conclusion too late? Did he still want them?

  “Don’t stop talking on my account.” He must believe her nerves had to do with tonight’s event, because he added, “Don’t stress. Everything has to go right in a room this well-decorated.” His smile was polite. The greeting of an acquaintance. She hated that smile. She wanted the intimate one back. The one that hinted at a secret crush. The smile he’d given her when he’d offered his heart.

  “The room isn’t the only one. The tux suits you.” Her attempt to tease out the old smile fell short. He looked unimpressed by her effort to flirt. Not that she was ever any good at it, to begin with.

  Answering a curt, “thanks,” he motioned to leave. “Good luck tonight. My family’s waiting.”

  Reina picked up the skirt of her gown and hurried to keep up with his long strides. “I’m glad they could still make it.”

  He stopped short, causing her to collide with his chest. Catching her in his arms, he hesitated for a brief moment—so brief she wondered if it was a wish of her imagination—before letting go.

  “No matter what happened between us they honor their word,” he responded, grim-faced.

  She’d done that to him. His good-natured personality was now replaced with a dour disposition.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t implying they wouldn’t.” She took a chance and reached out to touch his arm. He nearly jumped back as if burned by her touch. Crestfallen, she bit her bottom lip to stem the tears. Great. Now I probably have lipstick on my teeth. She bit down again hoping to curtail the nervous timbre to her voice. “I should go greet the other guests. Excuse me.” She rushed past him praying she wouldn’t trip and fall. Not that the humiliation would matter much at this point.

  “Reina, wait.” He hurried after her.

  Reina. Not Rei. She didn’t want to wait.

  He caught up to her near the outdoor terrace overlooking the iconic Revson Fountain. “Why are you acting like I rejected you? What is it you want from me?” He didn’t bother to hide his exasperation.

  She squirmed to free herself from his grasp. “Let me go.”

  “Are you going to run all your life?”

  She stopped struggling. “You have some nerve.”

  “Oh, I’m wrong?” He didn’t give her the chance to defend herself. “You don’t get to run away first this time.” He shook his head and stalked off, only to stop and add, “You can have The Pearl. You can have New York. If you ever become an adult, ready to fight for what you want, let Jace know and he’ll tell you where you can find me.”

  With that, he left her stewing with indignation.

  The absolute nerve of that man.

  But is he wrong? You can’t have it both ways.

  I don’t want it both ways. I want him. But that impatient jerk wouldn’t give me the chance to say so.

  You could have cut him off. You do it to me all the time.

  Reina looked around, thankful no one else had come in yet. It was bad enough when I was talking to myself. Now I’m arguing with me, too. This is all Eli’s fault. I’m sure I was sane before I fell in love with him.

  Eli shoved past Jason on his way out.

  “Woah, watch it!” Jason snapped, jumping quickly to keep from being run down. He pulled his coat closed and followed Eli to the courtyard. “Man, it’s freezing.” He drew heat from Eli’s anger. “We’re going to look stupid arguing in tuxedos.”

  “Nothing to argue about.”

  “Tell that to those veins popping out of your forehead.”

  “That woman is the most frustrating, stubborn…frustrating—”

  “You said that one already.”

  “It bears repeating.” He paced the side of the fountain. “Life was much simpler when I wasn’t in love with her.”

  Jason shrugged. “Probably.” He laughed. “But I bet not as fun.”

  “You call this fun? Trading a warm room full of food for this freezing concrete just so I can avoid that irrational woman?”

  “Love robbed you of your sanity,” Jason walked back toward the door, “but mine is still intact. Follow me when you’re ready. But do it soon because your lady’s about to start the evening’s festivities.”

  “She’s not my anything.”

  Jason joked, “Not if I let it slip that you called her irrational.” He went through the door, and then stuck his head out to yell, “You’ve got five minutes.”

  As much as Eli wanted to leave, he knew Reina was nervous and he wanted to be there to support her. He shook his head. Love had robbed him of his sanity if he thought she still wanted him there. Whatever. She would get him anyway. For one last night. He’d made arrangements to sublet his apartment and be gone by week’s end.

  Eli stepped back into the room in time to hear Reina say, “Thank you all for joining us tonight to support such a wonderful cause.”

  The night was a success.

  After Reina’s closing speech thanking the crowd for the significant amount raised in donations, she encouraged them to enjoy the music while they waited the hour until the start of the New Year.

  She rushed off the stage in search of Eli who’d exited the room moments ago. Earlier tonight he’d put aside his anger and given her the non-verbal pep talk she’d needed as she stood on the podium delivering her speech. When she’d finished in tears, remembering the moments of fear as the cab took off with Nate, Eli had walked over and hugged her until she could stop crying.

  That man has always put us first. What was I thinking letting him go? She had to wait forty minutes to find him to say so. On her way out, various attendees stopped her to chat and learn more about the organizations and their missions. She lost track of Eli by the time she freed herself from the last one, a lovely woman who could talk the ears off of a statue.

  Catching her eyes, Jason smiled and pointed to the side door.

  She barely had time to smile her thanks as she hurried in search of him hoping it wasn’t too late.

  "Is there an expiration date on your love?"

  Eli’s quiet stare unnerved her and almost caused Reina to back out of speaking the words she needed to say and hoped he still wanted to hear.

  "I realize most people don't respond to a declaration of marriage with a request to end the relationship—" She paused, almost losing her courage when he remained silent. His face betrayed nothing of his thoughts. She wanted to hide behind the fear that had been a blanket of comfort but remembered the verse she'd stumbled upon this morning: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

  It was fear that had driven her to push him away when he laid his heart bare. It was that same fear that had constricted her throat when, after kissing him in James’ courtyard, she had walked away without telling him everything she’d expressed in that embrace. She had to choose to trust God to give her courage or she risked remaining chained to worry and anxiety.

  Reina grabbed Eli’s gloved hand and he allowed her to lead him out to the Lincoln Center Plaza.

  He pulled off his coat and wrapped it around her, buttoning it up without uttering a sound. She protested when he moved to add his scarf. "The tux jacket isn’t enough to keep you warm. Let’s go back inside."

>   Eli stood in place.

  He waved his watch-adorned wrist at her face. "Twenty minutes until we usher in the New Year. Say what you need to say before this year disappears from the calendar."

  Reina’s face betrayed her nerves.

  "I'm sorry." Eli walked her over to the Revson Fountain and sat next to her on its marble edge.

  "I'm the one who should apologize." When she didn't continue, they sat quietly watching other couples chatting and laughing despite the frigid temperature. Some holding gloved hands, others with arms wrapped around each other both to stay warm and to express intimacy. She ached for Eli to wrap his arms around her, but he didn't. Instead, he moved away from her.

  Reina stuffed down the pain and pushed past the emotional roadblock in her way. “I'm sorry I hurt you. I was a coward. I sacrificed your feelings for my own." She kept eye contact with him. "I had all these responses going through my head after you told me how you felt, but I was afraid and said what I needed to keep myself safe.”

  “What responses?”

  “I was so impressed by your courage. Other than Lauren, very few people I know are willing to be that open with their feelings.”

  “It was a first for me." She heard the unspoken “and my last”.

  “I’m so sorry you shared your heart with me, and I pushed you away.”

  “The women in my past are vindicated.”

  “You didn’t deserve that from me.”

  “So, this is about guilt?” He stood up.

  “You took a chance and I hurt you. Why wouldn’t I feel guilty? I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, thanks.” She saw Eli glance at his watch.

  “Ten minutes to midnight,” he said. His tone was colder than the freezing temperature. “I’m an idiot for getting my hopes up. I get it. Even though you don't feel the same about me, you feel guilty for rejecting my love.”

  “What?” She stuttered, rushing after him as he walked away.

  “We're good. You're forgiven. It's no big deal.”

  “Would you please hush up and let me say I love you?”

  That stopped him.

  “I don't know how this train derailed so quickly, but that's what I've been trying to say all night. What I've wanted to say for the last two months. Even longer. You started sharing my heart in that police station when you stayed with me and kept me sane while we waited for Nate.” She let go of the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. “I am in love with you. It was selfish of me to hurt you to protect myself. When I asked about that expiration date before, I was saying I hope there isn't one.” She twisted her hands.

  Eli walked back to where she stood. “For my sanity's sake, I wish there was.”

  “Oh.” It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but it was fair considering what she'd put him through.

  “My love for you can't have an expiration date because I'm not the one who put it there.” She was confused yet strangely hopeful. “From the very beginning, there was something that connected me to you. I've dated more than my share of women and not one has ever crept past the surface to settle in my heart.”

  “Oh.” She seemed to be suddenly without much else.

  “Funny thing is you managed to build a home in a space no other woman besides my family, was ever allowed to visit.”

  “Oh.” He smiled at her echo.

  “Yes. Oh.” She looked at him with eyes that begged to hear more. “I was praying one day when it dawned on me. I can be a bit slow—”

  She smiled.

  “I realized no other woman had ever lived in that space because God had set it aside specifically for you.”

  Her eyes widened like saucers.

  “There's no expiration because He put you there knowing that's where you would stay. I have to admit I wanted you out of there for my peace of mind, but God knows His plans and He was not about to deviate from this one just to give me what I thought I wanted.”

  “This just shot to the top of my gratitude prayer tonight.”

  He smiled when she suddenly grew shy, unable to maintain eye contact.

  “Maybe you wouldn't mind saying the words again,” she said.

  Eli lifted her chin to gaze into her eyes. She felt him stiffen when he grabbed her left hand.

  She didn't wait for the question she knew he wanted answered. “It came off last night as I thought about how much I needed and wanted you in my life.” She referred to her wedding band.

  Now it was his turn to say “oh.”

  “You wouldn't know it by the way I’ve acted but I love you at my very core. And…” She continued with his reassurance. “It scared me senseless. I felt that loving you meant ripping Jared from my heart.”

  Eli looked at her, his eyes full of compassion. “I’m not asking you to forget Jared. He has every right to hold a place in your heart.”

  Her love for him increased tenfold. Something she hadn’t thought possible. “I understand now that loving you doesn’t mean forgetting Jared. Your place in my heart doesn’t push him out. It simply puts him in a different section of it.”

  Eli’s face brightened. He looked like someone who realized they’d only misplaced a treasured item they’d thought was lost.

  “I’m sorry for how I hurt you,” Reina said again.

  “You don’t have to apologize anymore.”

  “No. I do. I’m sorry I let you think you weren’t worth opening my heart to.”

  “You’re forgiven.”

  “I’m grateful for that, but I need to get everything out.”

  He quieted down to let her speak.

  “You offered me your heart, but I was afraid if I took it, I’d only be able to give you a fraction of mine in return.”

  He scrutinized her before asking, “And now?”

  “Jared is there because I’ll always love him, but the heart that is in love is yours alone.”

  Eli closed the space between them and launched fireworks inside of her with his kiss.

  She felt the kiss as if he were thanking her. For loving him. For having the courage to finally push past the fear.

  Their kiss ushered in a new year together. As friends and so much more.

  Epilogue

  Reina lived in a state of euphoria since she and Eli pledged their love to one another, but a niggling doubt threatened to steal her bliss. Six months later and Eli had yet to propose again. Not that she could blame him. It took time to get over that level of rejection. What worried her most was the complete silence on the subject. She wanted to broach the topic but not at the risk of disturbing their newly established love.

  Reina smiled watching Eli and Nate play a pathetic game of hide-and-seek.

  Lauren walked up beside her. “Just propose to the man.”

  “Shhh. He can hear you.”

  “From the garden? Not likely. This sunroom is the size of a small Eastern European country.”

  “I’ll remind you that your childhood home can easily compete with Eli’s.”

  Reina, Eli, and Nate had flown in yesterday for his mother’s birthday celebration. Lauren, who was wrapping up a business trip in Boston, had received an invitation from Mrs. Cooper to spend the weekend and enjoy the festivities. “With you and Reina being so close, you’re practically family now. It’s about time you get to know all of us.” Angela had waved off Lauren’s objections that she didn’t want to impose.

  Lauren grabbed Reina’s arm, yelled across the room to Eli and Nate that she and Reina would be back, and walked to the living room.

  “The man wants to marry you. Why else would he have asked?”

  “That was before. Things change.”

  Lauren didn’t taper her usual candor. “The only thing that changed is you coming to your senses and admitting you love Eli.”

  “Your brain-to-mouth filter is always broken?”

  Ignoring her, Lauren continued. “From that sappy grin always plastered on his face, he doesn’t love you any less than he did before you broke his heart. If it�
��s possible, I think he loves you more.”

  Her heart glowed at Lauren’s words. “Then why hasn’t he said anything? Not one word about it since he last asked?”

  Lauren raised both palms up in a gesture of confusion. “Maybe he’s working up the nerve again.” She shrugged. “The first time didn’t exactly bolster his confidence.” Reina cringed and Lauren winced at her insensitivity. “Sorry.”

  Reina waved away her apology. “It’s the truth.”

  “Tell me again why you won’t ask him.”

  “After the way I turned him down? You think I want him to laugh in my face as he says no.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes. “I’m supposed to be the one prone to being unreasonable, remember.”

  “So maybe he won’t laugh.”

  “No. He won’t.”

  “But that doesn’t mean he won’t say no. I did.”

  “This is the man you’re in love with and who claims to be in love with you.”

  “Yes. So?”

  “Sounds like you’re saying that man is so spiteful he’d turn down your marriage proposal just to hurt you the way you hurt him?” Lauren exhaled an exaggerated breath. “Tsk tsk tsk doesn’t sound like the type of man I’d let walk my dog, let alone one I’d marry and make father to my child.”

  “You know Eli’s not like that.”

  “I do. Do you?”

  “Of course!” Reina was quick to respond. “He wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.”

  “Then act as if you believe it.”

  “It’s not just about my feelings getting hurt.”

  “I know you’re worried dredging up the past will be painful for Eli.” Lauren continued in an indulgent tone. “But remember you dealt with it on New Year’s Eve. The past can’t hurt either of you anymore.”

  Reina gave her a big hug. “I pity those who underestimate you as just another gorgeous face.”

  Giggling, Lauren returned the hug. “I’m going to grab my godson so we can charm some of those freshly-baked cookies from your future mother-in-law.” She feigned a stern voice. “This is my cleverly disguised way of telling you to go talk to Eli.”