by Gaia Octavia
I couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or closed, but I knew he was sleeping. Jade only cried when he was asleep. I reached out, gently touching his shoulder, and while he didn’t shrink from my touch, he let out a wail that was even louder than the one that had woken me.
“Jade, it’s me,” I said calmly, “it’s Emit.”
Jade didn’t move or react to my voice, but a moment later, he was suddenly scrambling along the ground away from the rock. His body twisted and slithered but never left the ground and I suddenly knew how his blanket had ended up the way it had. The movement was so alien to me that it took me a moment to follow him. It was as if his entire body was so scared, so petrified, that he couldn’t get it to work properly. The sound he was making was like that of a wounded creature who knew that there was no escaping its impending death at the hands of the hunter closing in on it.
“Jade,” I tried again, this time keeping myself from touching him.
“Jade, it’s Emit. You’re safe in our camp, Jade. The man is gone. The raiders are gone. We escaped.”
Well, he had escaped and taken me with him, but at this point, I just wanted to remind him that he wasn’t alone. He quieted then, but still sobbed as if his heart was being torn from his chest, piece by piece.
“Jade, it’s me, Emit. Come back.” I repeated those two words until his sobbing quieted. Come back. I kept my eyes on him, watching as his body suddenly stiffened.
“Jade?”
Jade sat up a little and looked around.
“Emit? Wha–?”
His face sunk, and he looked at the ground. Touching his cheek and feeling his tears, Jade hung his head.
“I had another nightmare. I’m sorry, Emit.”
“Don’t apologize, Jade. None of this is your fault,” I said quietly.
And it was true.
“You can go back to bed, Em. I’ll be fine now.”
But something in the way that Jade held his body told me that wasn’t true. He’d had plenty of nightmares since we’d been together, but he’d never reacted to them physically or taken so long to be called awake from one until now. Something had been different about this one.
The look in his eyes when he’d opened them had been tortured. It’d had my own heart twisting and my fists were still clenched at my inability to protect him from the pain that still seemed to swim just under the surface of his otherwise flawless face. I put my hand near his, where it lay on the ground, but didn’t touch him.
“Wait here,” I said.
I walked back to where his blanket laid in a mangled line, marking the path of his earlier effort to escape his nightmare. Picking it up, I went to where our mats were, and without bothering to try and talk myself out of it, I pushed our mats together. I laid one blanket on top of the other before folding both back over themselves, so most of his mat was uncovered and the blankets laid in the shape of a triangle on mine.
Slowly walking back to Jade, I gently placed my hand, palm up, near his chest.
“Come on,” I said quietly, but firmly.
I don’t know if it was from exhaustion or if the nightmare had been bad enough to make my touch seem less undesirable, but for whatever reason, he surprised me by reaching up and placing his hand in mine. I helped him stand but didn’t let go of his hand until we were standing at the mats. I slid under the triangle of the blankets first and then patted his mat next to me. Jade knelt down and laid on his side facing me.
Spreading the layered blanket so that he was covered by it too, I moved slowly and gently draped my left arm over his side, placing my hand flat on his back between his shoulder blades. Jade didn’t move from my embrace, he just stared at me as if trying to figure out exactly what I was doing.
“I’ll keep you safe, Jade.” I promised, “nothing can hurt you now.”
He closed his eyes and I thought he was going to fall back asleep, but to my surprise, tears started streaming down his cheeks as a soft, tortured sob escaped his throat.
“It’s okay, Jade,” I murmured, “let it out.”
I tightened my hold.
“They killed them, Em,” he choked out, “they killed them all.”
I strengthened my hold even more but didn’t say anything. What could I say? I knew he was talking about his family.
“I watched them die,” he softly confessed.
This time, my eyes were the ones spilling unstoppable tears. I couldn’t ever know all the pain and torture those men had put Jade through for all those years. But as I laid there under the stars, holding Jade as he sobbed for the family he would never get back, I swore to myself that if I ever saw the man that had followed Jade through that camp again, I would kill him. Or I would die trying.
It wasn’t until an hour or so after Jade had fallen back asleep that I finally realized he had called me ‘Em’ instead of Emit. I wondered if that was how he had begun to think of me, or if he’d been saying my name and just hadn’t gotten the rest out. My little brother had called me Em when he was first learning how to talk. I’d hated it, and once Tad was old enough, made him start calling me by my full name.
Something about the way Jade said it, though, made my insides go all fuzzy and warm. I had absolutely no idea why. Maybe it was because it reminded me of my family. But I didn’t think so. It felt more like because when he said it, the note of trust he wrapped my name in was undeniable. I had heard the vulnerability in his voice as he’d confessed his secret to me–one of many secrets that needed to be released, I was sure.
Something about that made me hold him even tighter as I closed my eyes to let sleep find me once again. Jade needed somebody in this world, and he had been there to save me from my awful fate. I vowed that I would do whatever it took to be his someone, and to save him from his endless pain.
Even if that meant saving him from himself.
CHAPTER NINE
⸙
JADE
When I woke up, Emit was holding me tightly to his chest. Our limbs were tangled together, and I could feel his warm breath as it stroked the top of my head. I was stunned to see that the sun had already passed its halfway point in the sky. My first instinct was to panic. Because though we’d found blessed sleep together for what must have been almost twelve consecutive hours, that meant we’d lost a half-day of travel and risked allowing the man to get closer. Almost immediately though, I put the thought out of my head.
While I didn’t doubt that the man would track us without giving up, I had been careful, using the tricks I’d learned from the raiders themselves to erase our trail and mislead anyone who happened to find any parts I missed. I doubted the man had left his camp behind, knowing that there were plenty of men who would try to take advantage of that and fight to become leader themselves. He couldn’t be traveling as quickly as we were. Not with the entire camp along with him. Besides, I couldn’t rewind time. So, it was best to let Emit sleep and be thankful that I had gone so long without slipping into another nightmare.
I knew we’d be arriving later today at the camp I spied from halfway up a cliff two days ago. I’d been struggling since I spotted it about how to tell Emit that our time together ended there. But after last night and what he’d done for me, I knew there was no way I’d be able to tell him now. Even if last night had solidified my resolve to follow through with my plan to separate us. I told him more than I should have again last night, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before I slipped up and Emit’s view of me changed entirely. I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to survive the look of hatred and disgust I would see in his eyes once it did.
Besides, the confusing feelings I had whenever I was around Emit were bombarding me daily and starting to fray my nerves. I was constantly on edge and hyperaware of where his body was in relation to mine. Not because I was avoiding his touch, but because I was craving it. At the same time though, there was this clawing, desperate fear of what might happen if he did touch me. Really touch me. Because no matter what my body was screaming for
, my mind was most certainly not on the same page. And the most frustrating part was that none of it mattered. Emit wasn’t ever going to touch me.
Not like that.
I quietly untangled myself and got off my mat, deciding to collect the traps before he woke up so that I could get what I was about to do over with that much sooner. When I returned, Emit was already up and finishing off packing up the camp. I nodded to him in greeting but didn’t say anything before grabbing our waterskins and filling them up in the nearby stream. I knew I was being a coward by waiting until we got to the small camp before telling Emit that I was leaving him there, but that was exactly what I was; a coward. So really, no one should be surprised in this situation.
I just hoped I would find someone willing to take Emit on. He had a lot to offer, and there was no reason to think I wouldn’t be able to find someone in that camp willing to give him a chance. After all, it wasn’t every day that a beautiful young man showed up to your camp looking to settle down and build a life. Hell, the women of the camp might just send me off with a prize. That thought struck a nerve. I knew the real reason why I was desperate for this camp to take him in, and it had nothing to do with wanting the best for Emit. Yes, I knew he’d be safer away from me, and that was definitely a huge factor in my decision. But the fact that I needed those people to agree to take him in had everything to do with what happened last night, and what I’d been wishing had also happened last night since the moment I’d woken up.
⸙
“Please,” he whispered, making my heart ache, “Please don’t leave…”
His voice dropped off at the last word, but I still heard the word he hadn’t been able to say.
Me.
Please don’t leave me.
I turned and forced my feet to move, carrying me away from the boy who’d completely turned my world upside down the moment he laid eyes on me. That moment I had looked at him and his eyes had seen through me, past all my insecurities and internal scars, and caught sight of the person that I had once been. Emit didn’t follow me, but I couldn’t shake the look in his eyes as he’d begged me not to leave him at the camp. I knew in my mind that it was what was best for him. Those people could help him build a foundation to start a new life on, a sturdy support system that would offer him stability and safety. Something I couldn’t give him. Something no one else could give him. But that wasn’t quite true was it? His family could give him that, had already given him that before he’d been taken prisoner by the raiders.
I shook my head. Emit wasn’t my problem. I’d saved him from that camp and that was enough. I couldn’t keep him safe forever. His family was gods knew where by now, if they were alive at all. Despite my many claims to the contrary, if they were an inexperienced camp on the move, there was a good chance that they wouldn’t have survived for long. And I couldn’t just keep Emit by my side indefinitely. He deserved to live a happy life, not be mixed up in mine.
Just before the camp slipped from view, I stopped walking. If I were being completely honest with myself, the only reason I feared keeping Emit by my side was that one day I would slip up. That I’d become distracted only to watch as a predator snapped Emit up into its waiting jaws, or that I would leave him to set traps and return to find him gone. Taken by raiders once more.
The thought of losing Emit knocked the air out of my lungs every time I thought about it. Never seeing him smile again or crack a joke to make me laugh. No more stories about his life with his family that made me simultaneously crave more and want to block my ears. His soft voice gone, no longer calling me from my nightmares. His arms no longer holding me tight in the darkness as he whispered words of encouragement and soft reminders that I was safely away from that hellish camp.
Without Em, what did I have?
And how did walking away from him now change any of that? How could I know he would be safe here if I left him? That the raiders wouldn’t come here? That he wouldn’t be taken by a sharp set of teeth the moment he strolled into the surrounding woods? I’d already lost Emit the moment I turned away from him, leaving him behind in that camp with people neither of us knew. What if they changed their minds and forced him to leave the camp by himself? Really, who was I to decide what was best for him? If he wanted to stay with me and I didn’t want to lose him, then what the fuck was I doing? I stood for a long time, still facing away from the camp but no longer moving away from it. Was I willing to promise Emit what I knew he wanted more than anything? To never give up searching until we found his family, or at least word of what had happened to them?
I already knew the answer. I’d known it the moment Emit had started talking about his family. I’d known it the moment I cut him free in that camp. No matter what Emit needed from me, I knew I would always, always give it to him. Because Emit was everything I had in this world. He was everything I wanted. Like it or not, I couldn’t walk away from him.
Even if it was to protect my heart.
I turned and began running back toward the camp, but I didn’t even make it halfway across the field between the woods and the tents before I saw Emit running toward me. When we met, neither of us hesitated before smashing into each other’s arms.
“I’m sorry, Em,” I choked, “I can’t leave you.”
“Jade,” was all he replied.
We stood there for a long time. Arms around each other and neither of us talking. I knew his need for me wasn’t the same as mine for him. While we both needed each other to survive–me needing him to survive the nights and him needing me to survive the days–I knew that my need for Emit crossed the line of friendship, while his did not.
But I didn’t care.
In that moment, it was enough.
After a while, we let each other go.
“I suppose we should go thank them for their offer and say goodbye,” I said, gesturing toward the camp.
“No need,” Emit said rather sheepishly, “I already did.”
When I looked at him, he added, “I couldn’t stay there, Jade. I need to find my family.”
His hand touched my shoulder.
“I understand that you can’t commit to such a long search, but thank you for saving me. Thank you for coming back for me.”
He started to gather his belongings, but I stepped in front of him, blocking his path.
“I promise, Em, on everything. I will never leave you again until you’re safe with your family or you ask me to go. No matter how long it takes.”
Emit didn’t raise his head but as I watched, teardrops fell from his eyes, disappearing into the sharp blades of grass beneath our feet. I tucked a knuckle underneath his chin. His eyes didn’t meet mine, but he allowed me to raise his head.
“I’m sorry, Em,” I said again, “I couldn’t do it.”
His arms wrapped around my waist, his face settling into the crook of my neck.
“Thank you, Jade. For everything.”
I let him feel my answer, nodding against the top of his head. I didn’t trust myself to speak just then. My heart felt like it was going to explode but at the same time, it felt painfully empty.
What had I done?
I sighed. The only thing I could have done–I’d held on to Emit with everything I had in me.
He raised his head then, meeting my eyes.
“Hey,” he said with a small smile.
“Hey,” I answered.
“You ready?”
His question had been asked lightly, but I felt the weight of it as I answered him.
“I’m always ready,” I said, earning an eye roll and a chuckle as we gathered our things and made our way back into the woods.
Back into our own little world where nothing outside the two of us existed.
CHAPTER TEN
⸙
EMIT
“Em?”
The word drifted to me just as I was sinking into sleep, causing me to jump as if I’d been jostled awake.
“Mm?” I answered thickly.
“I
’m sorry.”
The words came out as soft as a prayer, filled with emotion and regret. I lifted my head, propping my elbow to hold it up, and waited for Jade to look at me. When he finally did, I held his gaze before saying slowly and clearly, “You came back for me, Jade.”
“I–”
“You came back for me,” I interrupted, “that’s all that matters.”
Even if I wasn’t sure I truly meant it, I wanted Jade to believe I did. When I had seen him running back across the field twenty minutes after walking away from me, my heart had started gluing back its pieces. Relief and gratefulness had surged through me the moment I spotted him. He’d looked almost panicked, desperate to return and collect me.
When we had come together, our arms locking us in a fitted embrace, I’d felt something else too. Something I couldn’t quite identify. Something like belief. Belief that I meant something to Jade, just as he meant everything to me.
“I’m not sorry I left you, Emit,” Jade continued as my heart dropped, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to keep walking away.”
I felt dizzy, like I’d just eaten another handful of those stupid berries.
“I…I don’t understand.”
Jade looked at me then. He didn’t look angry or upset. He looked defeated.
“While you’re with me, you’re in danger. The man, he won’t ever stop looking for me. If he finds me and you’re with me–”
Jade’s voice cracked as his hand lifted to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“I should be as far away from you as possible. To keep you safe. But…” He took a shaky breath. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave you. No matter how much I know I should, I just couldn’t.”
I reached out to him, softly holding his wrist and guiding his hand from his face. I wanted Jade to look at me again. To look in my eyes as I spoke so he would know I was speaking the truth. But he didn’t. His eyes remained shut tight. Little lines forming on his pale eyelids.