Hidden Gem (The Travelers Book 1)
Page 22
My stomach twisted and I only just managed not to cry out. Tears streamed down my face then, but not just for little Marta, for Jade as well. For the little boy who’d had to watch his entire world be destroyed in the worst possible way.
“The raiders did that?” I asked.
“You don’t get it, Em,” he moaned.
“You can tell me,” I promised, though I was terrified about what might come out of his mouth next.
“I can’t,” he said miserably, “I can’t lose you too.”
He’d said it so quietly that I almost hadn’t heard him. I tightened my hold on him.
“You will never lose me, Jade. Not ever,” I said as firmly as I could manage.
It took him many minutes to continue, but when he did, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
“The man who raped and murdered my mother, the man who threw Marta into…” his voice trailed off.
Taking another breath, he continued.
“It was Callas.”
My breath caught as Jade’s eyes dropped in shame.
“I let him fuck me, Em. I gave myself to him. For seven years I stayed–knowing what he’d done. Knowing where his dick had been before he shoved it in my mouth. I performed for him. I gave him pleasure. I did anything he asked of me.”
He wasn’t crying anymore, but I wondered if he had just run out of tears.
“Every one of his moans. Every little whimper, Em. Every single time he spilled his seed on me–in me–each one was its own betrayal. Of my mother, my father, of Marta.”
His voice had barely been a whisper by the time he’d gotten to Marta’s name. I knew it was because of the added guilt of having let go of her on that horrific night, over a decade ago. The night that he lived as if it were still happening, even now.
Even though Jade knew an eleven-year-old child would have been no match for the huge man I’d seen him with in that camp, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t known the depth of the pain that Jade had been drowning in for so long. I thought I’d learned it all that night he’d told me about the men, but that had just been the beginning.
This.
This was what hunted him down at every turn.
This is what made him fear my touch.
This is what made him so convinced that he didn’t deserve happiness, that he didn’t deserve love.
The pain that I felt for him, I felt it down in my very soul. I didn’t know how to undo the damage of what he’d spent half his life believing.
“And I’ll never be free of it.”
He reached behind him, his fingers worrying at the spot on the cheek of his ass that I’d only just seen the night before. I’d been cleaning him as he slept, rolling him over when I’d caught a glimpse of it. I’d known what it was right away, and my stomach had sunk as I’d held him steady; desperate to erase the damage done to him so long ago.
My mind had briefly flashed to that tiny, perfect face that had been branded only minutes after entering the world. I’d been packed and ready to take off to find Callas myself when Eaton had found me. He calmed me down and reminded me that I couldn’t change the past and that Jade needed me now. So, I’d returned to the tent and I’d held Jade as he slept, thinking about all the times he’d forced me to turn around as he got out of the water to dry in the sun after we’d bathed.
“I’ll never be able to take it back,” Jade continued, “I should have murdered him that first night he fell asleep. After he fucked me. I should have murdered him every night for the next seven years. But I just stayed. Until you, I stayed.”
I held him then, crying with him and wishing that I could somehow take away his pain. Knowing that I never could. As I cried, I whispered to him that it hadn’t been his fault. That I loved him, that it changed nothing. I would always love him, had always loved him. That he’d been a traumatized child doing what he had needed to do to survive.
But even as I said the words, even as I meant every one of them, they sounded useless even to me. As he fell back asleep, exhausted, I silently promised him that I would never stop showing him how amazing, how utterly beautiful he was; inside and out.
Jade slept for almost two days straight after that. I was sick with worry, but Ma assured me that his body was just taking the time it needed to recover, and that he would be okay. She tended to the wounds on his head and face as I stayed by his side, never leaving, so that I would be there the moment he opened his eyes.
Eaton had been in and out of the tent a couple of times since we had returned, to check how Jade was doing. But he was staying somewhere in the woods, guarding the raider we’d found with Jade and working to figure out where the young boy Jade had saved was from, and if his parents were still alive. The boy hadn’t said much. He had slept for a long time as well but had been up since that morning.
At first, he refused to leave Jade’s side. It wasn’t until Tad had come in and started talking to the boy that the boy relaxed somewhat. While they seemed to be about the same age, the boy seemed so much younger. No doubt because of the recent trauma he’d suffered. I could only hope that the bruises and swelling were the extent of what he had suffered at the hands of his captors.
Tad was the one who finally got some information as to where the boy had come from. He didn’t understand our language completely, but when he’d finally said the word “Churnah,” Eaton said he knew of a small camp by that name, a few days’ journey to the west. The boy had refused to leave with Eaton though, clinging to Jade’s limp body and becoming so distressed that Eaton had eventually agreed to wait until Jade was able to travel with him to take the boy home.
I was so proud of Jade. Not only had he saved the boy, but apparently the boy had also been able to see what an amazing man Jade was, because he’d spent the vast majority of the past two days by Jade’s side. I was happy to see the boy go with Tad to eat in my family’s tent, though. The boy needed some type of stability back in his life, even if it was only for a few hours.
I tried not to spend a lot of time thinking about how close I’d come to losing Jade forever, but of course I thought about it constantly. If it hadn’t been for Eaton, Jade would be in Callas’ hands by now. Or worse.
No what-ifs.
I wouldn’t let myself think it. He was here, beside me, alive. And I needed nothing else in my life. Even if he left again once he was better, still unwilling, or uninterested in being with me, knowing that he was safe and alive would be enough. It’d have to be.
Jade had grown so much in the two years we’d been together. He had grown from an icy, skittish boy into an amazingly strong and emotional young man. I had changed as well, but Jade’s transformation was something else entirely. He was like a lacewing, emerging from its shelter as something completely unrecognizable from what it’d been when it had first crawled in and surrounded itself with a wall of protection.
But he was far, far more beautiful.
When Jade woke up, I was right by his side, offering him water and some of the soft food Ma had left for him. He drank well and ate a little, staying pretty quiet as I told him about Eaton’s group and what they did. I told him about my idea of us joining their group, but that it didn’t have to happen anytime soon, if at all.
I mostly just talked about it to keep on talking, afraid that if I let it get quiet, he would tell me he would be leaving again as soon as he was able. I was afraid to ask him the only question I really wanted answered, so I didn’t ask him any. He didn’t talk much about the raiders who had taken him, but he did ask about the boy. I was surprised he didn’t know the boy’s name either, though I shouldn’t have been. I explained to Jade how the boy had refused to go home without him, and while he seemed surprised, he’d smiled a bit as I told him about the death grip the boy had had on him as he’d slept.
At last, when I could no longer take the fear of not knowing, I asked Jade what he thought about joining The Travelers. It still wasn’t what I wanted to ask him, but his answer could give
me an idea as to what the answer of what I really wanted to ask might be. The longer he took to answer, the tighter the knots in my stomach seemed to get.
The thought of losing Jade again was something that I wasn’t even sure I could take. By the time Jade finally began to speak, I couldn’t do anything but hold my breath and listen, hoping that somehow, there was still hope for us.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
⸙
JADE
As Emit waited for me to answer, I tried to quiet the myriad of thoughts and emotions tumbling through my head. It was time that I decided. It was either time that I told him I was leaving for good, or time that I faced every single one of my fears all at once. I was terrified that if I did tell him I loved him, he would laugh, or dismiss me with the fair assumption that because I’d been so ready to leave him, and in such a cowardly way, I hadn’t loved him at all. How could I explain my actions? How could I tell him that every footstep that had taken me away from him had broken my heart, but that I’d kept on walking anyway?
After suddenly realizing–in the moments before I thought I was going to die–just how much I loved Emit, how endless my need and desire was for him, I also became aware of how I hadn’t been willing to risk anything for him. To fight for him. I had just left. How could I ever square that with the rightness I felt whenever I was around him?
There were so many things that I still needed to tell him, to explain to him. Things that I still didn’t quite understand myself. I had no idea if I could ever work in a relationship with anyone, or if I was too broken to be able to trust again. It was one thing to trust Emit with my life. And I did. It was another thing to trust Emit with my heart, because it’d been smashed into tiny, unrecognizable pieces so many years ago.
What little bit of my heart that was recognizable, only existed because Emit had put those pieces back together. But the rest, I would have to fix myself. Not just for me, but for him too. I didn’t want to be someone that Emit always had to take care of. Someone he had to call from nightmares and soothe each night. I wanted to be a balm on Emit’s soul, just as he was on mine. I wanted to be an equal partner. I wanted to be able to love him as he deserved to be loved. I wanted to love him whole. I wanted to share every experience with him.
I wanted to make love to him and eventually, be made love to, without worrying about those unbidden faces rearing above me. I just didn’t know if I could do it. I did know I wanted to try. Just not if that was enough. More than anything, I was terrified of losing what we had already. Of trying for more only to ruin the beauty of what had formed between us these past two years. It might already be too late. He may never forgive me for walking away.
Now, because I’d finally told him what I had done for all those years, of how I’d agreed to be with the same man who had ruthlessly murdered my family, I couldn’t fathom Emit ever being able to say he loved me ever again. I struggled to start speaking the words that needed to be said, still unsure of where they would lead me, when I noticed I was rubbing my hand on my thigh again. Looking down at my hand, realizing what I was seeing, I couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to my eyes.
My bracelet.
Emit must have tied it back on me as I slept, after I’d told him everything. The sight of it made my heart start thumping with a desperate hope that what I was about to say wouldn’t be the last thing I ever said to him. I took a deep breath and began, knowing now where I was going. Whether or not Emit would be there when I got there, I was going to tell him everything and leave the rest to him.
“After I lost my family,” I began, “after they were taken from me, all I ever wanted was for someone to protect me, to make me feel safe.”
My voice shook, but I knew I couldn’t stop.
“Since I was eleven years old,” I swallowed, “all I’ve ever known was fear. This strangling, torturous terror.”
I shook my head as I tried to find the words to explain myself to Emit.
“First, it was of the men. Of Callas. And then…”
I paused.
“And then of losing you. Of ever losing you.”
I couldn’t continue for a while after that, but I hoped that the rasp in my voice and the tears in my eyes were telling him enough for me. Finally, I sucked in a breath and lifted my head.
“It was you.” I looked at him.
But as I said it, shame hit me like a heavy weight, and I dropped my eyes back to the ground.
“It was you, Em. You who protected me. Protected us.”
Tears stung my eyes as I pictured a life without him, a life that could very well be in my near future.
“How could I ever be that protector for anyone else?”
My throat felt raw as I tried to swallow the pain I felt from the knowledge that I might lose him. How could Emit turn down this chance to join Eaton’s group and be who he truly was? A hero. I wouldn’t be what held him back. I could never do that to him. I knew that no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much I didn’t want it, if I couldn’t be what Emit needed me to be, then I had to be the one to say goodbye.
But I wasn’t finished yet.
While I had needed to express my doubts, I still needed to express what I had absolutely no doubt of at all.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
⸙
EMIT
My heart felt like it was on fire as I watched Jade. It hurt so much that he still had no clue. No clue that he’d always been the smarter one, the one who’d kept me from becoming a soulless monster like those men who had taken him from his parents.
He had saved me.
And not just because he’d cut me free that night long ago, even without knowing who I was. He had saved me from hopelessness, from emptiness, from myself. I interrupted him, my panic rising, because it felt like Jade was giving me his reasons why he wouldn’t stay. Because it sounded like he was saying goodbye.
“Jade,” I whispered, realizing that I too was crying.
I cleared my throat quietly as I reached out to him. For him. I touched his chin, and the buzz of energy at the contact was warm and perfect and everything I’d ever wanted. Had ever needed. Everything I would ever need. I tipped his head up and waited for him to look at me. When he finally did, he seemed surprised by the tears in my eyes.
“No, Jade,” I breathed, shaking my head gently and willing him to understand.
To believe me.
“You saved that boy. You could have ignored what you saw, but you risked your life–and damn near lost it–to save him. Nobody knows as much about the raiders as you do. And your tracking skills? Jade, you’re invaluable.”
I shook my head again.
“No,” I said firmly, “it was you.”
My thumb stroked his cheek, wiping away his tears. The wetness on my thumb, immediately cooling.
“It was you,” I continued, “you were the one who always kept us safe. With your skills, your knowledge, your hope, your strength, and–”
I tipped his chin up even more, careful not to press on his bruises. I heard him stop breathing, as if afraid to break the fragile hold on the truth that he suddenly grasped.
“Your love.”
I paused a moment before continuing.
“Jade, I love you more than anything. You’re my hero. My miracle.”
His eyes went wide and my heart shifted as I watched a look of utter amazement take hold of his beautiful, ravaged face. I could see the truth of what I said settle over him like a warm, thick blanket, and I took his mouth hungrily. Almost savagely.
I claimed him.
Unable to control my thirst for him, I parted his lips and flicked my tongue inside his wet, hot mouth to taste him. He tasted sweet and heady. My cock twitched, and my tongue became a fleshy muscle of selfish desire as I explored his mouth, his tongue, then the ridges on the roof of his mouth, the insides of his cheeks, and teeth. I drank him in until I felt dizzy with joy and love and something that must have been what freedom felt like.
It was only wh
en I realized that he hadn’t taken a breath or–though allowing me complete access to my desire–reciprocated my efforts, that I finally pulled back–terrified that I’d misread him.
“Breathe, Jade,” I whispered, ashamed at how selfish I’d been.
Again.
I hadn’t even given a thought about how he’d just returned from being held captive by another raider. And to have been thinking he was about to be handed over to Callas? Gods, I was so stupid. He wasn’t ready for this.
“I’m sorry,” I stammered in a husky breath as I pulled back, apologizing for my abrupt desire to taste him yet again.
But I saw the look on his face and froze.
I had seen that look before.
He’d had that same glassy, faraway look in his eyes the night he’d finally told me about those men. All those men who hadn’t asked. Who’d taken what they wanted from him with no thought of the pain or the fear they were inflicting upon him. That same look had frozen his face as he recounted the years he’d spent among those vile creatures. And here it was again.
That awful look.
“Oh gods, Gem.”
I reached for him but stopped myself before I made things worse.
I felt sick.
“Oh shit. I shouldn’t have. Gem, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry–”
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
⸙
JADE
Everything was happening so fast, that when Emit touched my chin, sending warm tremors coursing through my body, my brain hadn’t been able to keep up. I hadn’t even registered that he was kissing me until his tongue was already inside my mouth. Until he was inside of me, devouring me hungrily like a starving man.
My brain fought to process what was happening. I was afraid to move, to respond, to breathe. If I was dreaming–I must be dreaming–I would do nothing to wake myself up. How could Emit still want me after I’d left him like a coward? How could he still love me after knowing all that I had done?