The A to Z of Us

by Hannah Doyle

  ‘Alice? It’s getting late. Are you okay?’ Zach looks full of concern as he steps outside.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I sniff. ‘Just needed some space.’

  ‘You’re soaked,’ he says tenderly.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ I say with as much of a smile as I can muster. ‘Honestly, you head back in. I’ll be in soon.’

  But I stay in the rain trying to gather myself together. Later, when I see that he’s turned all but one of the lights off, I tiptoe back indoors, slipping into bed next to him.

  ‘Hey,’ he says sleepily, his arm reaching around me in a way that feels so familiar now.

  ‘Night, Zach,’ I whisper, knowing I’m shutting him down and feeling bad for doing it. I turn my back to him and pretend to fall asleep.

  After a predictably sleepless night, I’m up at dawn, creeping out of bed and throwing my things into my travel bag. I wash my face as quietly as I can and slink back into the bedroom, pulling on some clothes when Zach starts to stir. The duvet’s half kicked off his body and his hair’s all messed up. I feel a visceral pull towards him but I push it back down. I need some space and I need it now.

  ‘Morning,’ he says, sitting up. ‘Why are you dressed? I was hoping we could spend the day in bed together.’ He stretches out his arms for a hug but I move away.

  ‘I can’t, I need to leave.’

  His smile fades and he’s looking at me with concern and confusion.

  ‘I’m so sorry but I’m going to have to go,’ I say, feeling like an idiot as I zip my toothbrush into my cosmetics bag.

  ‘Alice, please don’t. I don’t understand what’s happened. Have I done something wrong?’

  ‘Not at all,’ I say, attempting a breezy smile. ‘Eve texted me first thing. Bit of a work emergency to deal with.’ I feel awful for lying, like, proper shit.

  Zach’s pulling on yesterday’s jeans. ‘Give me twenty minutes to pack and I’ll drive us home,’ he says.

  ‘No need, I’ve booked a cab. I didn’t want to ruin your last day here and we don’t need to check out until this afternoon so …’

  ‘Honestly, it’s not a problem. I want to help.’

  ‘No,’ I’m firmer this time and I can see it catch him by surprise. ‘I don’t want this to ruin your weekend too. You should stay, get out for a walk, maybe do some sketches? I know how you love the fresh air.’

  ‘I’d rather spend time with my girlfriend,’ he says, and at the mention of that word, the air around me feels thinner, and the cage I’ve built for myself even smaller.

  It’s too much. The space is closing in around me and it feels harder to breathe.

  I’m filled with relief when my phone buzzes to let me know the taxi’s arrived. ‘Here it is now. You stay and enjoy yourself.’

  He’s scratching his head, dejected, but I can’t focus on that right now. I have to get out of here. I don’t even kiss him goodbye as I pull on my trainers, sling my bag over my shoulder and leave.

  There’s a message pinned on the fridge from Natalie waiting for me when I get back.

  ‘Cannot wait to hear the details of your bonk fest SOZ mini-break! While you’ve been away with your boyf I’ve spent the weekend working and seeing mates so our role swap continues. See ya later!’

  I sling my bag on the floor. No debrief with Natalie just yet then.

  HELP PLEASE. I panicked halfway through my trip with Zach and now I’m back at home already. I message Dylan.

  The Bolter’s at it again!

  This is serious. I feel awful.

  Do you?

  YES.

  Uncharacteristic of you. Usually you just ditch them and move on.

  I haven’t ditched him. I have genuine questions about what I’m doing with my life and his and this is one huge mess.

  Pickle, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m about to go on set but will be free later if you want to chat then?

  Dylan’s busy. Nat’s away. Which means there’s only one option left. Today, it’s time to bring out the big guns.

  ‘Daddy?’ I say down the phone. I still call him that, okay? Let’s move on.

  ‘Hello, love! How are you?’

  ‘I’m …’ Great? Really good? I find none of my usual replies to this question will work. What is the matter with me? ‘I’m a bit confused to be honest, Dad.’

  ‘Oh dear, are the business accounts getting the better of you again? I told you to hire an accountant. It might be an extra expense but if it means …’

  ‘No, not that,’ I say, laughing in spite of myself. ‘It’s about the guy I’ve been seeing.’ Dad knows Zach and I are dating because we talk all the time, but I don’t often bring up the topic myself and I can practically hear the cogs turning in Dad’s brain now. ‘I know you’re away for the weekend but have you got a minute?’

  ‘Of course! My friends are still at the beach but it was getting too hot for me so I’m back at the hotel reading my book.’

  I smile at this. Dad’s in Cornwall with his pals and his delicate Celtic skin has never fared well in warm weather.

  ‘Why are you confused, love?’

  Pfft. Where to start? I take a deep breath. ‘We’ve been on thirteen dates now, Dad. I only know that because we’re doing this alphabet dating thing and I had no intention of it getting any further than, like, B.’ Dad chuckles down the line. ‘But I’ve just left our mini-break in the Lake District early. It was all going so well until I basically clammed up, made some rubbish excuse about a work emergency and left.’

  ‘Don’t you worry, my love. There’s not always a right or wrong way to go about things. But it seemed like it was going well and you liked spending time with him. What made you panic?’

  I explain to Dad about how Zach talked about his family and how much his parent’s divorce has made him crave a family of his own. How his brother’s picture perfect family are exactly what he wants for himself. ‘I totally understand that, Dad. And the thing is, I really care about Zach but I don’t know if I want those things myself. Until recently I didn’t even want a boyfriend and now I feel like I have all these big bloody life decisions to make. Like, I want Zach to be happy but can we find a common ground for our fundamentally opposing views on what we want out of life?’

  ‘Alice, these are some big questions,’ Dad says eventually.

  I scratch my head. ‘Can you answer them for me please?’

  ‘Now if there’s one thing I know for certain about my clever daughter, it’s that she likes to make decisions for herself. You are strong and independent, Alice. It sounds like you and Zach are more similar than you think. You’ve both had childhoods which have made you want to do things differently for your futures. For Zach, his parents splitting up has made him yearn for a family of his own. For you …’ Dad pauses and I can hear the crack in his voice.

  ‘For you, losing Mum has made you vow never to put yourself in a situation that could risk you feeling such heartache again.’

  My eyes pool with tears and I look up, blinking them away.

  ‘I wish we could have a cuddle,’ I say.

  ‘I’m back on Tuesday,’ Dad rallies. ‘Are we still on for pie and mash night?’

  ‘Yes please. Will you bring some Cornish clotted cream back?’ It’s as if I haven’t indulged enough over the weekend.

  Dad laughs. ‘Already earmarked the shop I’ll stop at on the way home,’ he says. ‘Alice?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Not everything is black and white. Sometimes, there is joy in the unknown and the unexpected. Sometimes we have to open up our hearts to things that feel scary because if we don’t, we might miss out on the journey of a lifetime. You’ve spent your whole life being strong, I just hate to think that you might miss out on things because of what happened. Ask yourself how Zach makes you feel. What does he bring to your life? Is it brighter and bolder with him in it? Or do you feel happier and more content by yourself?’

  I fall silent as I think about what Dad’s said. Zach makes me feel like I
can be all the parts of me. The woman with clinical FOMO who is always out and the woman who’s happy pottering around her allotment like a 60-year-old. He makes me laugh so hard I end up doing that weird cry-laugh noise that I used to find embarrassing but he says is endearing. He’s sensitive and thoughtful and, now that I’ve been put on the spot, I do like my life more now that Zach is in it.

  I swipe at the tears that are now dribbling under my chin, feeling so caught in my conflicting emotions.

  ‘I’m just scared, Dad. Of being hurt.’

  I can hear the smile in his voice. ‘There’s nothing wrong with that, Alice. I am always here for you and so’s your mum. She’s in your heart and she will help you to make the decision that feels best for you.’

  I say my goodbyes and rest my hand over the place I’m pretty sure my heart goes, even though I wasn’t a biology buff at school. Closing my eyes, I listen to the voice in my head.

  Don’t let him be the one that gets away.

  Netflix

  Zach

  It’s been three days since we, sorry, I got back from our mini-break and perhaps the most unproductive three days of my career so far, but the fact is that I just can’t focus on work. The canvas remains stubbornly blank. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve stepped away from it, hoping for inspiration to strike, only to find myself staring hopelessly at it once again. I’m too distracted thinking about Alice and whenever my mind lingers on her, I’ll inevitably grab my phone and open up our message chat. The last message I sent her was the night I got back from the Lakes.

  Alice, whatever you’re going through, I’m here for you. It seems like you need some space right now but please know that I’m just a phone call away xx

  The double tick turned blue tells me she’s read it but she hasn’t replied. And I know I can’t send her another one, because I’m afraid that she’ll think I’m being too intense. So instead I keep reading and re-reading the message, torturing myself with how and why it all went so wrong on our trip. Obviously I did or said something to upset her and even though I was desperate to try and fix it, she could barely get her shoes on fast enough that Sunday morning.

  I thought Alice and I had something worth pursuing but maybe I was wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve made a major miscalculation like that.

  I chuck my phone back down onto my work bench and take a slug of coffee, which it turns out is cold, so I head over to the kitchen unit in the corner of my studio and tip it down the sink. I’m filling up the kettle when I hear my phone ring and, assuming it’s Ellie ringing to check up on me again, I leave it go for a minute while I put the kettle on.

  Eventually I pick it up. Alice’s name flashes on the screen.

  A million thoughts race through my head as I answer it, not wanting to let her ring out and make things even worse for myself. Is she going to end this? Is this the call to make it officially over?

  Stay strong.

  ‘Hi, Alice,’ I say, clearing my throat.

  ‘I’m sorry it’s been a while.’ It’s only been a few days but I’ve missed the sound of her voice.

  ‘There’s no need to apologise. I figured you needed some space.’

  ‘Well, thanks Zach, I did and it was sensitive of you to understand that.’ She sighs then and I imagine the words that are about to come next. I’m sorry it’s over. I’ve realised that this isn’t for me. We’re done.

  The kettle has started to hiss.

  ‘Did it help?’ I ask.

  ‘I think so. I wanted to apologise for leaving our trip like that … with such a bad excuse, I mean.’

  ‘I can’t say I was totally sold on the “work emergency” thing.’

  There’s another painful pause, filled only by the low rumble of boiling water.

  ‘Yeah, that wasn’t great. I should probably explain myself. I feel torn, Zach, like I’m being pulled in two completely different directions. On the one hand, there’s you and how much I like you. On the other, there’s this fear. I think the weekend was just a bit too much and the scared voice in my head was getting louder, asking me what I’d got myself into with you and telling me that it would only end badly. I don’t want to mess you around but I don’t want to miss out on this, either.’

  ‘Why do you think it’s going to end badly?’ I ask quietly.

  ‘Because I’m worried that we want different things.’

  ‘Alice, you’re not messing me around. I’m a big boy and I chose to be here. Christ, I’m happier here than anywhere.’

  ‘I feel like that too.’

  ‘Was it me talking about families that made you panic?’

  A pause, then: ‘Yeah …’

  ‘Honestly, I could kick myself.’

  ‘But you shouldn’t have to and that’s the point. That’s what you want from life. The problem is that I don’t think I do. Or, at least, I haven’t made my mind up yet.’

  ‘Alice, you are what I want from life right now. All that other stuff … those are big questions but we don’t need to deal with them. All we really need to know is that we have fun together and that we like each other.’

  There’s silence down the line.

  ‘That’s what I think, too.’

  ‘I know you want to take things slowly and I know why you want that, too,’ I say, trying to reassure her. ‘Just because we’ve put a label on our relationship now doesn’t mean we’re on a one way ticket to getting married and filling a house with kids. I’m not going to lie, those are things that I think I’d like for myself in the future but I’m not dead set on anything. Life throws you curveballs, right? And suddenly you find yourself looking at things differently, maybe realising that where you are right now is where you want to be.’

  There’s a pause while Alice processes what I’ve said. ‘Are you calling me a curveball, Zach?’ I can hear the hint of a smile in her tone and it feels like a massive confidence boost. All I can do is be honest because I owe that to myself. I don’t want to be too full on for Alice, but I also need to be true to how I feel.

  ‘I don’t think either of us were expecting what happened on that night at my art exhibition,’ I say. ‘I’ve had the best summer of my life getting to know you. I’d like for that to carry on because this thing we have is fun. We don’t need to worry about what the future has in store just yet. So, what I’m saying is, can we just stick with what we have?’

  ‘I’d really like that, Zach. And I have to admit that this summer with you has been pretty great.’

  I punch the air in relief. ‘Does that mean you fancy our N date?’

  ‘Depends,’ she laughs. ‘What is it?’

  ‘I figured that something with no pressure and no grand gestures could be good. Netflix this weekend? And as we always hang out at yours, you’d be very welcome to come to mine for a change.’

  She giggles. ‘I am so up for that.’

  The only problem is that I still haven’t got very far with the house. Every time I peel at some flaking wallpaper or pick at a loose carpet thread, I realise I should really be in the studio. My house looks like the grey-washed before pictures of one of those house makeover TV shows.

  When the doorbell rings the following weekend I take a last quick look around. There’s music playing in the background and I’ve gone big on low-lighting which makes the place looks less like it’s desperate for a paint.

  I open the door and Alice is standing there with a smile on her face. She’s wearing stone-washed jeans and a white T-shirt with a pair of red lips on it, handing me wine and flowers as she steps inside. I haven’t seen her since our fated mini-break and we both stand there for a moment, the weight of what happened when we last saw each other seeming to hang in the air.

  Suddenly Alice is in my arms, reaching up to kiss my cheek, and everything feels right with the world.

  ‘I’ve missed you this week. Sorry about the drama,’ she says almost sheepishly, her body still against mine.

  ‘Please, there’s no need to apologi
se,’ I say, steering her into the living room. ‘I’m just glad it’s all out in the open and that you’re here. I’ve missed you too.’

  ‘I’ve been looking forward to this. You might have guessed that work’s been mental since I got back from our trip.’

  After three days of silence and our conversation mid-week to clear things up, Alice has mostly sent me a string of head-exploding emojis ever since. ‘I figured from your messages,’ I grin.

  ‘I haven’t been the most communicative,’ she says, clinking my glass with hers and catching my eye. ‘Nat and I have been working on your idea.’

  I must look confused because she carries on. ‘You know, joining forces? You mentioned it in passing a while back when we were talking about Nat’s awful boss. You were right, flowers and events do go hand in hand so we’ve been staying up late, brainstorming ways to combine our talents and turn them into a business opportunity.’

  ‘Alice that’s awesome.’

  ‘I’m really psyched about it,’ she nods happily. ‘It would be a side hustle for both of us at first which would mean even longer working hours, but I really believe that we could make a go of it. And it feels like everything else is in place. Eve is brilliant at the shop already so I’d have no concerns about her potentially taking over one day. Meanwhile Nat is so ready to tell Sid and Bruno where to stick it.’

  ‘I can picture her doing that,’ I laugh and Alice joins in.

  ‘Zach?’

  ‘Mmm?’

  ‘What’s for dinner?’

  ‘Never not thinking about your stomach,’ I smile, hopeful that tonight might get us back on track. ‘Fancy making pizzas together?’

  The look of concentration on Alice’s face is adorable. She pats her floury hands on the apron she’s borrowed from my coffee shop days and suddenly stops in her tracks, shaking her head.

  ‘No Zach. NO. This is not okay.’

  Shit.

  ‘What is it?’ I pause, looking at her in concern.

  ‘You’re putting pineapple on your pizza, man. You’re Italian! The whole of Italy is weeping right now.’