The A to Z of Us

by Hannah Doyle

  ‘I am here now,’ he confirms. ‘You mean so much to me Alice. I had to try.’

  I’m reminded of something I said to myself a while ago.

  Don’t let him be the one who gets away.

  ‘Argh,’ I say, resting my head in my hands. ‘There seems to be too much to deal with, Zach. You made assumptions about me and Dylan and I did not like that. He’s my best friend. Why does there have to be a subtext to a male–female friendship? Our friendship is purely platonic, always has been.’

  ‘That night at ping pong was the perfect storm of me feeling inadequate and jealousy rearing his ugly head. I feel really bad about it so I reached out to apologise to him.’

  That’s something, I think. ‘I hope he apologised too? He didn’t exactly cover himself in glory, either.’

  ‘Well, sort of. I know now that he’s just being protective of you as his friend.’

  ‘He always has been. The day after we found out that mum’s illness was terminal, Dylan’s mum drove us to the seaside for the day to try and take my mind off things. We ate fish and chips on the beach even though the wind was blowing sand in our food and I just cried and cried. He was a constant support through all the tears and he’s fiercely guarded me ever since. I think …’ I pause.

  The pub quiz has started. Zach’s listening intently, an unmistakable glint of hope in his eyes, and I feel torn right down the centre of me as the realisation hits.

  ‘I think Dylan is wary of you because he knows I am,’ I blurt out. Blunt as ever. I wince as I watch Zach compute this. He’s back to wearing all black tonight, looking exactly like the boy I met at the art gallery.

  ‘Why are you wary of me?’ he whispers.

  I can feel tears prickling and I blink hard.

  ‘Is it because you don’t need me? I’m not part of your plan?’ He’s hunched over, leaning his forearms on his legs now.

  ‘You definitely aren’t part of my plan,’ I smile softly though he’s not looking at me. His head’s hung low.

  ‘Okay,’ he says eventually, looking up at me sadly. ‘Okay.’

  ‘I’m wary of you because of your past,’ I blurt out. ‘The relationship with a woman who was already seeing someone else? I know she lied to you about it but you said yourself that the warning signs were there and you pretty much ignored them. You wanted to believe her when she told you it was over with James, so you did. I really feel for you Zach, but still … it’s not great, is it?’

  Zach looks like he’s been punched. He pulls off his glasses, sets them on the table and pinches his nose. I’ve seen him do it time and again when he’s anxious or nervous. Now he looks full of sorrow and the fact that my words have done that to him makes me feel awful. But it’s the truth.

  ‘Fuck,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘I really wish I could unpick that whole strand of my life. I thought you and I had got to the point where we’d dealt with it together and were moving past it but it’s really hard to do that when my ex keeps cropping back up. You’re working on her wedding flowers. Octavia brought her up at ping pong. Dylan seems furious with me for having a past, full stop. The thing is, Alice, there’s nothing I can do about Clara now. I regret it all so much but more than anything, I wish I hadn’t caused you this pain.’

  ‘You’re right. We had dealt with it and I thought we were moving forward, too. But then that night at ping pong … I hated seeing you and Dylan fight like that. I know you were angry with me for confiding in him but he’s my best friend so that will never change.’

  ‘I know that.’

  ‘And I think I made you feel insecure and I hate that too.’

  ‘That wasn’t you, that was Dylan. He’s such a big personality and I just panicked that I can’t make you laugh like he can.’

  I raise my eyes at that. ‘He’s a comedian, Zach,’ I say with a small smile. ‘He’s been cracking jokes since we were kids. But you make me happy …’ I pull up short.

  ‘You’re crying,’ Zach whispers.

  I swipe at the tears drizzling down my cheeks.

  ‘I feel, argh, I don’t know. Confused. I hate the idea that when we’re together, you’re not sure of yourself. I know you crave stability and a proper home,’ I say, thinking about all that Zach has told me about his parents’ divorce. ‘I worry that I’m not right for you. That I can’t give you what you really want.’

  ‘Alice, what I really want is you. You’re right, I can be insecure but that’s not on you, that’s on me. It’s something I’m working on and our last date was a massive slip-up in that respect. The whole night was just a ridiculous clash of stuff that doesn’t really matter, I don’t think. Yes, my last relationship was messy and I shouldn’t have taken Clara’s word for it, but I only realised that she was still seeing her ex long after we’d broken up. I was foolish but I’d never deliberately hurt anyone like that.’

  His words hang in the air and I lean back in my chair, contemplating all that’s been said while the quiz master rattles off questions in the background. It’s the oddest soundtrack to our heart to heart. Zach’s hunched over his pint, staring into the amber liquid like he’ll find the answers in there. Maybe if I’d had a serious relationship in the past, I’d be able to figure this out more easily? Maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m swimming against the tide. I’m exhausted from all the questions that my mind keeps firing at me but if I sift through the daunting feeling that I’m opening myself up to something new for the first time since Mum died, I know that these concerns are just my defence mechanism kicking back in. Because even though it’s only been a few days, being apart has made it feel like longer and I’ve missed Zach. I love spending time with him. And my gut instinct tells me that I do not want that to end.

  ‘We all have a past, right?’ I say eventually.

  ‘I’d like to make a case for the past not mattering so much. It’s the present that we should be focusing on.’

  ‘You are quite maddeningly wise sometimes.’

  He looks at me, eyes wide with hope.

  ‘Does that mean …?’

  ‘I chatted to my dad about you a while back,’ I say, spinning Mum’s ring around my finger absent-mindedly. ‘He asked me a couple of questions and one of them was if my life feels better with you in it. The thing is, Zach, it does. I’ve missed you.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too,’ he says, coming round to my side of the table and kneeling down next to me.

  ‘But the problem is, I don’t know if I can trust you. Or myself. The closer we get, the more I panic that I’m going to hurt you because I’m always on the edge of running away.’

  ‘I can do something about the first problem, if you’ll let me? Let me prove that you can trust me on our next date?’

  I laugh at that. ‘Have you had an R date in mind all this time?’

  ‘It’s just come to me,’ he says with a look full of promise. ‘I haven’t dared hope until now.’

  ‘I like hope. Hope is good. It’s optimistic and full of possibility.’

  ‘Just like you,’ Zach says.

  Feeling my reservations drop down a notch, I let myself breathe in properly for the first time since Zach got here.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ I say simply. He crouches by my chair, kissing me oh so softly on the lips and it feels right.

  ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he replies, a huge smile reaching across his face as he sits back down.

  ‘There’s just one problem. There’s no way we can win this quiz because we’ve missed half the questions already and I do not like to lose.’

  Zach laughs and I revel in the sound, jubilant that we seem to be getting back on track. ‘Shall we have a go at the last half? Maybe you can explain who was in charge of calling us Cool Story, Brew while we’re at it.’

  ‘That was all Natalie,’ I fib. It’s suddenly dawned on me that I’m now on a date with Zach wearing a baggy jumper and faded leggings, the look completed by a pair of once white Birkenstocks. He sips at his beer, listening intently to the quiz ma
ster as we try to catch up, and I realise it doesn’t matter.

  ‘Not to brag, but I am really quite good at quizzes,’ Zach catches my eye.

  ‘Well then I’m very glad you’re back on my team,’ I grin, grabbing his hand as Janet, the gravelly voiced quiz-master welcomes us back into the game.

  Rock Climbing

  Zach

  I’ve fallen into classic Zach mode of overthinking the crap out of things as I drive around to Alice’s house but I know it’s just down to nerves. Will it go back to feeling like us again, or will we be treading carefully around each other? It feels like so long since we last had a proper fun date. One that hasn’t ended in one of us being ill, or breaking up or having an awkward conversation, that is. Today I am desperate to make things right between us.

  I ring the doorbell and wait.

  ‘Hey,’ she smiles.

  ‘Hey,’ I reply, deciding to go in for a kiss right when she leans up to kiss my cheek, so I end up brushing my mouth on her chin instead.

  Stop being awkward, Zach.

  I shake my head.

  ‘Shall we try that again?’ she suggests.

  This time we’re in sync, sharing a soft kiss on her doorstep. I take a deep breath, feeling comforted by the scent of her shampoo. We stay there for a while, arms wrapped around each other, enjoying the feeling of being together again.

  ‘Want to come in?’

  ‘I’d love that.’ I’m chuffed to see my artwork still hanging above her fireplace as we walk through the house.

  ‘You didn’t chuck that on a bonfire after the last disastrous few dates, then?’ I say, feeling bold.

  ‘Nah,’ laughs Alice. ‘Figured I could sell it to fund my doughnut obsession instead.’

  ‘Ouch,’ I grin, bolstered by the fact that we’ve easily fallen back into our stride. ‘Now we’re going to have to do something about your outfit before we leave for our R date.’

  ‘What’s wrong with it?’ asks Alice, looking down at her blue dress. I recognise it from our bookshop date back in the very early days of us.

  ‘Nothing, you look beautiful, but it might not be practical enough for what I have in mind today.’

  ‘Practical?’ Alice raises an eyebrow. ‘Does that explain why you’re dressed like you’re about to do a HIIT class?’

  ‘Exactly. Think sportswear.’

  ‘I’ll go and get changed then,’ she groans, looking at me suspiciously.

  Alice is giving me that you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me look again. After she changed into her lilac yoga outfit we drove out to the Peaks and now we’re at our date destination, a twenty minute walk from the car park. She’s craning her neck up towards the top of a crag, hands shading her eyes against the morning sun.

  ‘Dare I ask why you’ve brought me to this giant rockface?’ Her eyes flit to the mat I’m carrying on my back. ‘Or why you’ve carried a mattress all this way. My only hope is that it’s so we can spend the day having sex in the great outdoors.’

  ‘That’s your only hope?’

  ‘Sounds good though, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Well, yeah, definitely.’ In fact, now she’s made that suggestion I’m struggling to think of anything else. ‘Though I’m not sure they’d approve?’ I nod towards a couple in their fifties who’ve just turned up and are setting up camp at the next rocky outcrop.

  ‘Spoilsport,’ she tuts. ‘So what are we doing?’

  ‘We’re going rock climbing. After all that’s happened lately, I think we both feel like we could work on our trust issues and I thought this could be perfect way to give it a go. I want to show you that I’ve got you, Alice.’

  She looks at me like she’s half touched and half terrified.

  ‘It’s okay, I promise,’ I say, reaching my arm around her back and turning us both to look at the crag we’ll be climbing. ‘The technical term for what we’re doing today is bouldering. Loads of people come here to practice getting their steps right before moving on to climbing the big rocks.’

  ‘That is a big rock,’ Alice harrumphs, collapsing on the mat I’ve just laid on the ground and slapping a hand across her forehead.

  ‘Don’t panic,’ I scoop her back up again. ‘It’ll be fun.’

  ‘Fun? That thing is higher than Everest!’

  ‘Not quite,’ I moderate. ‘Mount Everest is the highest mountain above sea level on earth.’

  ‘Well then this one’s probably second highest,’ she says, hands on hips.

  I clear my throat. ‘Couple of things. Everest is a mountain and this is a crag. And from memory, Everest is roughly 8,800 metres high while this crag is maybe three meters off the ground.’

  ‘All right Captain Zach the Brainiac,’ she grins, putting on a geeky voice. ‘It’s still a lot bigger than me.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I concede. ‘But the good news is, I’m big into rock climbing and I will not let any harm come to you during this massive ascent.’

  She pouts. ‘You’re teasing me.’

  ‘Only a little bit. Honestly I’m completely happy if you’d rather not. When I first started out climbing I’d do crags like this with Raff and I remember them feeling really daunting at the time so I do understand.’

  ‘Are you saying you climb bigger land masses than this, normally?’

  I spin her round to face an actual peak. ‘Yep, that sort of thing.’

  ‘Holy shit. Don’t you need ropes and stuff for that?’

  ‘Ropes, a harness, chalk … all the gear.’

  ‘What’s the chalk for? So you can draw a big smiley face halfway up?’

  ‘Ha, not quite, though maybe I’ll try that next time. The chalk’s to keep your hands dry. Bouldering the little rocks like this is the best way to start learning how to find your feet and climb. Plus you don’t need any equipment.’

  Alice spins back to our crag. ‘The things I do for you.’

  Finding her first grip and hoisting herself up, Alice clings to the crag with a happy smile on her face. ‘I’m doing it!’

  ‘Yes you are!’

  ‘How far am I off the ground? I don’t dare look down.’

  ‘Um, about two or three inches?’

  ‘Oh. What now?’

  ‘Have a look round for your next foothold, find somewhere to grip and push up again.’

  ‘There’s one! I’m going for it. Oh my god, I’m going for it! How high am I now?’

  ‘Gotta be nine inches by now,’ I say.

  ‘There’s a joke in there somewhere. I’m sure I’d find it, if only I weren’t in the middle of a life-threatening date with my maniac boyfriend.’

  I grin to myself at that. Hearing Alice call me her boyfriend reassures me that we can put what happened in the past and move forward together. Her panicking on the mini-break, me acting like a twat at ping pong. I keep my eyes fixed on her as she makes her ascent, watching like a hawk to make sure she feels safe and calling out praise as she goes. I remember feeling all over the place when I first started climbing and massively admire her willingness to give it a go.

  ‘Hate to brag but I think I’m a natural at this,’ Alice announces.

  ‘You’re doing brilliantly. You’ve got to be halfway up by now.’

  ‘Really?’

  Alice looks elated. Then she looks down.

  First rule of climbing … don’t look down.

  ‘SHITTING HELL ZACH,’ she shouts. ‘I’m so high up.’

  Her knuckles grip tighter and the blood drains from her face. I realise that she’s starting to panic so I try to reassure her.

  ‘You’re doing really well. Keep it up.’

  ‘I can’t,’ Alice yells, panic etched across her face. ‘I’m too far off the ground. What am I supposed to do?’

  ‘Exactly what you’ve just been doing,’ I encourage. ‘Find a foothold. Ease yourself up. Take it nice and slowly.’

  ‘But what if I fall? I can’t do this.’

  There’s genuine fear written on her face now and I leap into action, sc
aling up the steeper route so I can scramble to her side.

  ‘Deep breaths,’ I instruct. ‘You’re doing great. Here, lean on me for a bit.’

  ‘Won’t we both fall?’

  ‘I’ve got a strong hold,’ I say, wrapping my arm around her waist for support. With my help she lets go of one handhold and rests her upper body against me.

  ‘I’m scared,’ she whispers.

  ‘I’ve got you.’ I hold her gaze and rub my thumb across the side of her body until I sense her starting to calm. ‘Now, we’ve got two options. Option one: carry on climbing to the top. Option two: climb back down. Either way, if you fall (which you won’t) the mat is there to protect you.’

  She puffs air out of her mouth. ‘Gawwwwwd. What about option three: stay here forever. Or option four: go back in time and use the mat for outdoor sex as I initially suggested, rather than for landing on with several broken limbs after I tumble down this GIANT ROCKFACE.’

  ‘The jokes are back,’ I grin. ‘Which means you can do this. Do you trust me?’

  She stares me straight in the eyes as if she’s searching in them for her answer. I feel like she’s sifting through all that we’ve been through, all of my baggage. Eventually she nods. ‘I’m starting to.’

  In my head I’m doing a Chandler from Friends dance but obviously I don’t tell Alice this. I still haven’t recovered from the fact that she knows I used to love Point Romance and the Spice Girls, so I think a secret Friends addiction may just be the final nail in my cool coffin.

  ‘Let’s make it happen then.’ I ease her hand back towards the crag and track her steps with mine, pointing out each new foothold as I spot it for her. She’s breathing fast at first, completely silent with concentration and nerves. Slowly but surely, we make our way to the top of the crag.

  ‘I can see the top!’ She yells.

  ‘One more step and you’ll be over the edge.’

  ‘I’m going to put my foot here?’

  ‘Looks good to me. See, you don’t even need my help now.’

  She pauses. ‘I JUST LOOKED DOWN.’

  ‘Stop doing that!’

  ‘I think I’ve developed vertigo?’