The A to Z of Us

by Hannah Doyle

  ‘That doesn’t mean I’ve changed, though,’ I say, sweeping my arm across the table in demonstration of change. ‘I’m not sure I’ll ever want marriage or kids. But I can see a future with you. One that goes beyond an alphabet’s worth of dates. To conclude, I’m yours if you’ll have me.’

  HICCUP.

  No doubt Zach is bowled over by my display of affection, I think, realising that now is probably the time to lean in for a kiss. I rest my elbows on the table and lean forward, meeting Zach’s gaze.

  He’s put his wallet on the table, a sure sign that he wants to leave, which I am one hundred per cent sure is because he wants to take me home after all the super cute things I’ve just been saying to him.

  ‘Let’s get you some food,’ he says.

  Sensible lad.

  ‘Food first!’ I agree with a wink.

  A hot bowl of noodles and three vegetable gyoza later and I’m feeling much less drunk but quite confused. Zach steered me to Wagamamas after our wine tasting and since we sat down to eat, I sense that he’s deliberately kept the conversation trained on day to day stuff. He hasn’t once mentioned my romantic outpouring and I get the impression that I said something wrong, but what? Zach loves talking about his feelings!

  I spear another dumpling with my chopsticks and munch thoughtfully. It’s possible that I was just being drunk and waffly. Maybe that’s the kind of conversation he’d prefer to have when I’m sober?

  OH MY GOD of course that’s it!

  I necked a whole load of wines before telling him how I felt and now he’s probably wondering how accurate I was being. Alice, you buffoon!

  ‘I meant all of it,’ I say later, as we sit in the back of a taxi on our way back to mine, Sheffield city flying past our windows.

  ‘Thanks Alice,’ he says.

  ‘Thanks? Is that all I get?’

  He turns to me in the half-light with a frown across his face.

  ‘What do you want me to say?’

  ‘I dunno. I thought you might be a bit more appreciative, that’s all.’

  Zach sighs. ‘Look, it’s getting late and I don’t want to ruin a nice night.’

  ‘Why would you ruin it? What’s up?’

  The cab pulls up outside my house and we step out, my mind spinning in confusion as I search for my keys. Inside, we shrug off our coats and kick off our shoes in an awkward silence, the helium balloon levels of happy I’d felt earlier now falling completely flat.

  I’m about to speak when Zach beats me to it.

  ‘I’m beat. Mind if I head up to bed?’

  ‘Go for it,’ I reply. Looks like we’re calling it night, then.

  I’m awake before Zach so I inch quietly out of bed, padding downstairs to make us some tea. Now that I’m one hundred per cent sober, I’m still not sure quite what went wrong but I’m guessing my boozy declaration of love just hit the wrong note, somehow.

  ‘Morning,’ I say, setting a mug of tea down next to Zach as he stirs. ‘Look, I found our wine notes from last night in my bag.’

  I hand him the piece of paper as he pulls on his glasses. ‘I’d forgotten about the Barolo which we decided tasted like “recently turned soil”,’ I add with a laugh.

  Zach yawns and stretches and doesn’t laugh back.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I ask eventually.

  ‘I worry that if I say what I want to say, it will push you away.’

  I sit down on the bed next to him.

  ‘Why would it push me away?’

  Zach sighs. ‘Because it’s a future thing. Our future.’

  ‘Zach, I know I was drunk last night but I’m pretty sure I said I wanted a future with you. I wish you didn’t feel like you were treading on eggshells around me all the time.’

  ‘I don’t feel like that all the time.’

  ‘Some of the time?’

  ‘Well, yeah. In the early days of us I didn’t want to scare you off, so I made a conscious effort not to put too much pressure on you. And now we’re at this point where I really fucking love you and …’

  ‘You still feel like I might do a runner?’ I suggest.

  ‘No, that’s not what I mean. I think you and I are really solid right now. It’s just that there’s no getting away from the fact that we want different things in life. Alice, I loved all of the things you said to me last night. I feel so happy that you feel that way about me, and that you want to talk about it. The problem is that I still want to have a family of my own and you made it pretty clear last night that you don’t see that for yourself. So are we just going to bump along together until we realise that we can’t make each other truly happy? You don’t want kids. I do. Surely that we seem to want different things is a bit of an alarm bell?’

  I push back, the enormity of what he’s just laid bare hanging between us like a thunder cloud.

  ‘It doesn’t have to be an alarm bell, Zach.’

  ‘I love you so much, Alice. I would love to spend my life with you if we could and it made me so happy to hear you talking about our future too. I just don’t want us to get to a point where we’re in too deep and then find ourselves hating each other because we want different things from life.’

  ‘I love you too! Zach, I’m not saying I definitely don’t want to have a baby one day. I just haven’t made my mind up yet. There’s so much that I thought I didn’t want at the start of this year, like a relationship, and yet here we are. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me. But, look, I understand what you’re saying and I don’t want to get your hopes up. If you need a definite decision on that right now then …’

  My voice cracks. I can’t believe we’re here now. I hate that I’m causing him pain but I will not make promises I can’t keep.

  ‘Alice, I want you more than I want anything else,’ he says, reaching out for my hand. ‘If it came down to it, I’d chose you over having a family any day.’

  ‘But you shouldn’t have to. We should all have the chance to get exactly what we want out of life,’ I say sadly.

  ‘Argh, please don’t be sad. I’m sorry.’

  ‘You’ve nothing to be sorry about.’

  ‘I’ve messed up another date.’

  ‘No, you’ve been honest with me. That’s important. I don’t want to lose you Zach but I don’t want to make you unhappy, either.’

  ‘That’s it, though. You don’t make me unhappy. I’ve never been happier.’

  I nestle into his chest, screwing my eyes tightly shut and hoping beyond hope that this isn’t going to be it for us.

  ‘You know what? Every time we’ve hit a hurdle in our relationship, we’ve dealt with it together. We’ve worked a way around it. I have faith that we’ll be able to work out a solution to these big questions if and when we get to them.’

  ‘We are pretty good at navigating a shit storm,’ I laugh. ‘Listen, Zach, it’s not a definite no from me on the babies thing, okay? I just don’t know right now.’

  ‘It’s not a definite yes from me, either. I thought it was but the most important thing is that we’re happy.’

  I tip my head up to look at him, his hair still mussed up from sleep.

  ‘I think we’re going to be okay,’ I whisper.

  X Marks the Spot

  Zach

  ‘Are we in another SOS kind of situation?’ Ellie asks, handing me a trolley and clipping her shopping list in place. She messaged earlier to say she was coming into town to do a big supermarket shop before the girls’ birthday party and I seized at the chance to get some advice from my best friend.

  ‘It’s not like we had a big fight or a massive freak-out,’ I say as we steer through the shop. ‘Things with Alice feel much more stable these days, I think. I’m just worried that we want different things out of life. On our last date she reminded me that she doesn’t think she wants kids and, well, you know how I feel about being a dad one day.’

  Ellie nods as we head towards the crisp aisle.

  ‘And why do you want to be
a dad?’

  ‘Um, I just do?’

  ‘Right. Well, I understand that. I “just did” want to be a mum, too. It’s not all sweetness and light though. It’s hard work. There are days when you would do anything to have a lie-in, an uninterrupted night’s sleep, or only yourself to worry about. Becoming a parent is like doubling your anxiety overnight.’

  ‘Or trebling in your case.’

  ‘Only a maniac would have two in one go,’ she laughs. ‘The minute the girls arrived I realised that there were these two little lives that were completely reliant on me. As a parent everything you do, every decision you make, will have an impact on them too.’

  ‘Bloody hell.’

  ‘It can feel overwhelming at times. But it’s also the best thing in the world. Watching your child light up just because you put the tap on, or they saw a bubble, or someone made a funny noise. You see the world through their brand new eyes and honestly, it’s a joy. Dinosaurs or unicorns?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘For their cakes?’ She says, pointing at the celebration cakes.

  ‘One of each?’

  ‘Good call. Don’t tell Nonna I cheated with shop-bought cakes?’

  ‘My lips are sealed. So you’re saying that parenting is the best and worst job, all rolled into one?’

  ‘Spot on,’ she agrees as we move on to the booze section. I assume from the amount of prosecco she loads into the trolley that there will be a lot of thirsty parents at Fran and Sienna’s birthday party. ‘I think it’s important that you and Alice are talking about this stuff now, Zach. You want to be able to be open and honest with each other about what you’d like out of life now, before you both get hurt.’

  ‘It’s the unknown that makes me nervous.’

  ‘You do like a plan,’ Ellie grins.

  ‘Neither of us is dead set on having kids or not having kids, or at least that’s the impression I get from Alice. I think she’s spent so long thinking that even a relationship wasn’t for her that suddenly being with me and having these discussions is a lot to handle. She’s never considered starting a family before. But also, I completely respect her decision and I don’t want to be the one to make her question things. So should I question myself instead?’

  ‘I don’t think so. In my opinion, if one of you felt completely one way or the other then you should probably get out of the relationship now, even though it would be incredibly painful to do so because it’s obvious how much you love each other. But as it stands, there’s room for manoeuvre in your future. I believe that you and Alice can carve out a path that you’re both happy with.’

  ‘Honestly?’

  ‘You’re both kind, considerate people and you have a mutual respect for each other. I really think you’ll find a way. Now how about you stop procrastinating and hand me that box of Italian red wine up there?’

  ‘More booze?’ I balk.

  Ellie looks at me. ‘All children’s parties are basically just an excuse for parents to get pissed while their kids run riot in somebody else’s house. I need as much as we can fit in the boot.’

  Talking to Ellie always helps me to feel more at ease with the way things are going and a couple of days later I’m ready, if a little nervous, for my next date with Alice. I’ve been running through the day, thinking over every last detail and wondering what she’ll say at the end of it all. If it’s even a good idea at all given what happened on our last date. But my gut’s telling me to go for it.

  I knock on her door and Natalie opens it.

  ‘Hello Mr Mystery. I’ve just spoken to Alice and she’s not due back for another hour or so.’

  ‘Thank you for checking,’ I reply gratefully. ‘I need a bit of time to set up.’

  ‘So, what are you up to?’

  ‘It’s a surprise for Alice.’

  ‘Do you want me out of the way?’

  ‘I could actually do with some help if you don’t mind? I brought coffees with me.’

  ‘Consider me bribed,’ she laughs. ‘Honestly Zach, you didn’t need to.’

  ‘I just wanted to say thanks. You really helped me out with that trip to France for Alice’s birthday.’

  Natalie takes her coffee and we head inside. ‘It was nothing. Alice was there for me when I split up with Jake and I love her to the moon and back. I can see that you do too, so basically, you’re in my good books.’

  ‘That’s good to hear,’ I laugh.

  ‘So, how can I help?’

  I talk her through my idea, watching her reaction carefully. Natalie knows Alice better than anybody and I would love to get her seal of approval for this X date idea of mine.

  ‘HOLY SHIT,’ she shouts at me when I’ve finished. ‘This is big.’

  ‘I know. Do you think she’ll like it? Or is it too big?’

  ‘I think she’s going to be totally bowled over by your romantic gesture.’

  I wince. ‘Alice isn’t into romance.’

  Natalie looks at me disapprovingly as I sit down at the kitchen table with my own coffee cup.

  ‘Correction, Alice wasn’t into romance. Still isn’t, probably. But she is into you. She loves you!’

  ‘She told you that?’ I ask, surprised.

  ‘Obviously. Now it sounds like we’ve got a lot of work to do before she gets back.’ Natalie checks her watch and moves into planner mode.

  Ninety minutes later Alice bursts through the front door shouting ‘I’m getting married!’

  What?

  I shoot a panicked look at Nat, who’s helping me tuck little notes into envelopes in the living room. She wrinkles up her face and heads into the hallway. ‘What are you banging on about?’

  I listen as Alice kicks off her shoes. ‘Me and Eve. Totally getting hitched. We’ve got a really tricky bride on our hands at the moment. You know Zach’s ex? So awkward! She’s been very exacting about the details, which is fine, but when we met this morning she pulled such a sour face when I showed her my initial designs that I wanted to scream a bit. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THESE FOR? Anyway, Eve stepped in just in time and I think we’re all back on track now. So I’m marrying her.’

  ‘Hmm. What will Zach say?’ Nat asks.

  ‘He’ll get over it,’ Alice laughs.

  I pop my head around the living room door. ‘I’m not sure about that.’

  ‘You’re here,’ Alice smiles widely. ‘Hello! Why are you here?’

  ‘I was hoping to start our X date early but if I’ve been usurped by Eve I can always …’ I start moving towards the door with a smile on my face.

  ‘Stay!’ She laughs, stretching her body across the hallway to stop me. ‘I’ll tell Eve I’ve got cold feet.’

  ‘I’d appreciate that,’ I grin, my stomach flipping as I realise what’s about to happen. We both turn to see Natalie clasping her hands at her heart, looking at us like a proud mother watching her kid win a prize at school.

  ‘Why are you being weird?’ Alice asks.

  ‘Oh you know me, too much caffeine in the morning and I’m basically bonkers,’ she breezes, pulling on some black boots and a puffer jacket. ‘Right, I’m off on a solo date to the cinema because that’s how much I like my own company these days! Have fun.’

  Alice spins around to me, her hair piled high and a pair of rainbow earrings sparkling in her ears.

  ‘I’ve been wondering about this one,’ she says after we kiss. ‘Not much begins with X. Can I guess?’

  ‘Go ahead.’

  ‘Actually, I’ve already come up with a list of things I don’t want to do today.’

  Oh hell.

  Alice holds up a hand and starts ticking things off with her fingers. ‘X-Box,’ she frowns. ‘I’m not big into gaming. But I don’t think you are either?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Also X-Men. We’ve already done a filmy date. Though I know you’re into comics and I will make an allowance for doubling up if Hugh Jackman’s involved.’

  I smile. ‘No again.’
/>
  ‘Okay, well that’s ruled out the two things I didn’t fancy.’

  ‘And the things you did?’

  ‘I wondered if we might be going to Exeter, but that’s not strictly an X.’

  ‘You know I’m a stickler for the rules.’

  Alice nods. ‘So then I settled on X-rated.’

  It takes me a moment or two to compose myself.

  ‘Let’s not rule that one out for later,’ I say, my voice gruff. ‘Follow me.’

  In the kitchen is a piece of art I’ve been working on, propped up on an easel I brought over from my studio this morning. I’d been playing around with fonts and hand-drew this X, layering on bold colours in the background. It’s pretty different to my usual stuff but I saw how much fun people had when I opened up my art studio for the workshop a while back. It kind of took me back to how painting felt when I was little, just messing around with colours for fun without any of the pressure to create my next big piece.

  Alice rushes over to it, her hands tracing the letter. Then she spots the envelope propped up in the fold of the wooden easel, her name written on it. She glances over at me, her eyes filled with excitement as she tears it open. ‘X marks the spot,’ she reads out. ‘Follow the clues until you find another X. A treasure hunt! Oh my god YES. I love this already. Will there be food at the end?’

  ‘From now on, I’m saying nothing more. Turn the card for the first clue.’

  Alice claps her hands together before reading the clue.

  ‘One: I love your XXXX for life.’ She frowns. ‘As in, me, Alice? My quadruple X for life. Okaaay.’ She drums her fingers on the kitchen table as she thinks.

  ‘ZEST,’ she shouts after a while. ‘Is it zest?’

  I press my lips shut.

  She rushes over to the cutlery drawer and rifles around for the lemon zester, finding no second clue. Then she spins around, her eyes lighting on the fruit bowl in the corner. ‘Aha!’ She races over, spotting a lemon with a card attached to it.

  I grin to myself as she impatiently tears at the paper. I knew she’d get stuck straight in.

  ‘Two: You are a breath of XXXXX air. Fresh. Easy! Right.’ Competitive doesn’t cover it. It’s like watching a human whirlwind taking part in the Crystal Maze. Alice takes the stairs two at a time and I stand at the bottom with a smile on my face. I can hear her rummaging through a cupboard and after a while she leaps back onto the landing, proudly proffering an air freshener.