Heart Knot Mine

by Lily Velden

  He kissed me by my ear, repeating a few soft words of reassurance, before taking me by the hand and leading me to the showers.

  I couldn’t explain my sense of foreboding. So far he’d done nothing but care for and cosset me, and yet the feeling persisted. It made me feel queasy.

  We showered side by side, and I was relieved to see the day crowd was different from the evening one. I didn’t want the added issue of dealing with the possible approach from one of the regulars I’d played with in the past.

  “Fancy a bit of steam first, sunshine?”

  “Sure,” I squeaked.

  “Don’t be nervous,” Robert reassured me yet again. “You’ll love it.” He leaned in and kissed me, then put his hand on my dick, stroking it. “You’re going to come so hard, baby.”

  My cock responded, and I looked down at it in shock. How could I get an erection when I felt like I was going to puke? The thought of Robert taking me here, before an audience, was a turn-on but left me sick with fear at the same time. Sucking cock in front of a crowd was one thing, but anal penetration quite another.

  It was like the first time.

  The steam was quite thick, obscuring much of the room. I stopped, taking stock. Robert took another step into the room.

  Out of the mist a young man appeared. He was short, no more than five foot seven or eight, but perfectly formed. His hair was dark, the ends damp and curling. He appeared to be of Mediterranean descent, his smile revealing startling white teeth, made even whiter with the contrast to his olive skin.

  “Handsome, I thought it was you. Your cock has been sorely missed around here.”

  His voice was a total shock—he had a cockney accent.

  Robert chuckled at the guy’s words. “Somehow, cutie, I think you found a few, um, things to distract yourself with.”

  Cutie pouted. “Well, what’s a boy to do? You’ve been gone so long.” Cutie turned his head toward me, raking his gaze up and down my body. It made me nervous. I took a step closer to Robert. “So, handsome, who’s this? Someone new for us to play with?”

  Before either Robert or I could speak, Cutie called over his shoulder. “Hey, sweets, come and see the new toy handsome brought us. He’s rather scrumptious and right up your alley.”

  As if by magic a man appeared before me. He was a fraction taller than his friend, with fair skin and reddish-brown hair. His big brown eyes, fringed by the thickest lashes I’d ever seen, sized me up as if I were an item on a menu.

  “Hmm, yes, definitely yummy.”

  It was as if his words were a cue. They both dropped to their knees before us, unfurling condoms down our dicks. Where the hell had the condoms come from? They must have been carrying them. They were like some X-rated double act.

  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, and yet it was rushing by me so fast I couldn’t focus. It was all a dizzying blur. I barely registered the warm lips closing around the head of my cock.

  In shock, I turned to Robert, who was looking down at Cutie, his gaze detached. It was as if he were observing an ant at work. I followed his gaze. Cutie’s tongue was out and licking Robert’s balls. My mouth dropped open in horror. No!

  Robert leaned his head toward me, his breath hot on my damp skin, and whispered in my ear. I shuddered at the feel of his lips skimming over the shell as he destroyed my world. “I’m going to put on such a good show for you, baby.”

  I gasped.

  It was too much. Too real.

  And yet not real at all.

  It was as if I was outside my body—a viewer rather than a participant.

  My senses decoded and catalogued the data and yet struggled to accept it.

  In my mind, I saw Robert lick a line up my throat and across my jaw before covering my lips with his own. The trail of moisture he left in his wake told me it was real and not a dream.

  My skin felt his touch. As did my lips.

  Same as I felt his tongue fill my mouth, hot and urgent.

  And yet it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be happening, for while he used his tongue to massage mine, he curled his hands in Cutie’s hair. No! No! No! Dear God, no!

  And still I stood bolted to the spot in denial.

  “I’m going to fuck him so good for you, Noah. I’m going to make him come so hard.”

  I came back to me with a crash, panic flooding my veins.

  Reality would be denied no longer.

  He was going to do it.

  He was actually going to do it.

  He was going to fuck the guy in front of me.

  Not only was he going to make my worst nightmare a reality, he was going to do it as a gift for me.

  I pushed the bobbing head away from my groin before wrapping my arms around my torso, as if to protect myself from a fatal blow.

  Vomit filled my mouth.

  At last my legs obeyed me.

  I turned and fled.

  “I DON’T get it, Noah. I don’t get why you’re so upset. You were hard. You had an erection.”

  “I had an erection because I thought you were going to make love to me in front of an audience. I thought it was going to be me sucking your cock. I thought it was my ass you’d be fucking.”

  “But you like watching me with other men. I know you do. I’ve seen it. Last night you came like a freight train…. You’ve even said so yourself—in Paris, that first night.”

  His confusion, or perhaps it was more his frustration, was evident in the way he ran his hands through his hair, tugging and yanking it. The expression in his eyes merely confirmed it.

  “That was different, Robert.”

  “Why is it different? How?”

  “When I’d watch you, ah, perform with those men in your movies, you weren’t real to me. You were no more real than Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. And just like them, I knew you existed, but there was a distance, a separation between fantasy and reality. I didn’t know you, the person. Not really. You were a name in my in-box, a contact on Skype. Yes, we became friends, but you weren’t flesh and blood to me. I didn’t know the sound of your laughter or what you smelled like, how you tasted. Last night… last night was different too. You were with me. Yes, on the screen you were fucking another guy, but he was the past. It was me you were with. It was me you were fucking. It was me you were thinking of. Besides, now… now….” I trailed off, needing a moment to pin down some courage.

  “Now?”

  “Now, you’re real. Now, I do know you. Now, I care… hell, isn’t it fucking obvious? Now, I love you.”

  As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. Not the sentiment, but the timing, and the way I’d just blurted them out. I’d thought that when the moment came and I finally unveiled them to Robert, it would be in a romantic, profound kind of way—certainly not in the middle of what was fast becoming an argument. As it was, the words hung in the air between us like an unwelcome smell. I studied his face, looking for clues as to how he felt about my admission, but all I could see was his shock. Perhaps that in itself, even without the heavy silence, should have told me where the rest of our conversation was headed. I plowed on anyway—after all, the words were out there now, and there was no pulling them back from the ether. What was heard could not be unheard.

  “Now I feel as if I wouldn’t be able to breathe if you weren’t in my life. When I say those words, it means I want your face to be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I open my eyes to in the morning. It means I hurt when I see you hurt. It means I light up like the Fourth of July fireworks display when you walk into a room. It means I want to share my life with you.”

  He continued to stare at me, his throat working, his chest expanding and contracting in time with his uneven breaths.

  “And sue me for my old-fashioned, heterosexual sensibilities, because it sure as hell means I don’t want to see another man’s lips wrapped around your cock or you with your dick buried in another guy’s ass! Not for real, anyway. In one of your old videos, sure,
because they’re the past. But for the rest? Not now. Not anymore.”

  “Noah—”

  “No, let me finish. You care about me. I know you do. Well, up until about an hour ago, I was sure of that….” I paused, a clamp forming about my chest when I realized I was no longer certain of anything in regard to Robert and me. But good or bad, I needed to know… even if it broke my heart. “I leave in less than twenty-four hours. Do you want the last picture you have of me inside your head to be of me with another man’s dick in my mouth or up my ass? Do you really want to watch another man fuck me, Robert? You’re the only man to know me that way. Are you sure you want to share that privilege? Do you want another man to know what I feel like? Taste like? Was I just another trick? Haven’t you enjoyed our time together as much as I have? Wouldn’t you like more of it? Aren’t you sad I’m flying out tomorrow?”

  “But, Noah, you are leaving. I live here. You live in the States—”

  “Other people sort these things out, Robert. We could too. We could have a long-distance relationship, or I could move over here….”

  “And what? Go months at a time without sex? Watch each other jerk off in front of a webcam? Derail your career? Have to start again from scratch?” he exclaimed, his tone scornful.

  And there it was: right on cue. With unerring aim, his carelessly uttered words sent a dagger to my heart, lacerating it, and, true to form, I bled.

  “Relationships are like snow, Noah: white, fresh, and pretty when new, but by the end of the day the snow is gray slush. A relationship is the same. Before you know it, it’s more about dirty socks left lying on the floor than it is about candlelit dinners, whispered sweet nothings, and hot sex.”

  He used words so impulsively, so carelessly. Did he not know that they could cause a deeper pain than any physical attack, leaving wounds that would need far more time to heal than a mere cut or abrasion?

  And me… why, oh why had I opened my heart to him in the first place? Why had I given him the power to wound me so? Why was I even fighting for him, for us? It was a losing battle, and I knew it. Deep down, had always known it.

  Because I loved him.

  Because I loved him, I’d fight for him as long as there was breath in my body and blood in my veins.

  “It doesn’t have to be like that. Besides, Robert, you’re not fooling me. You have your heart so well guarded, the walls so high and thick, no one can breach them. Can you even feel it beating anymore? I know what that feels like. I know how it feels to not be able to feel the beat of your own heart within your body. I know because until I met you, mine didn’t either. You’re afraid to get hurt. You’re afraid of being abandoned by someone else you love. Well, Robert, I’m afraid of getting hurt too, but at least I’m willing to risk it. For you, I’d risk it.”

  “Noah, listen—”

  “No, Robert, you listen. You’re so damn busy avoiding intimacy you’ve forgotten how to listen to your heart. It’s all bullshit, anyway. Your avoidance is really just you chasing your fucking hard-on. It’s just you hunting down your next cheap thrill.”

  “At least it’s honest, Noah. I know where I stand. He knows where he stands. We both get out of it what we want. What we need—”

  “What you need? You don’t even fucking know what you need,” I interrupted, my voice rising in both pitch and volume. The more he hurt me, the angrier I became. “I’ll show you what you damn well need.”

  Not giving him time to protest, I grabbed his hand and roughly dragged him toward the stairs. Surprisingly, he didn’t struggle. Perhaps, he thought he was going to get some hot “hate sex.”

  He thought wrong.

  I barreled into Robert’s bedroom, bringing him with me. Like a train on rails I made a beeline for the sideboard that housed his home porn collection. As I neared it, I dropped his hand and yanked open the third door, then fumbled a little with the lid of the box. Thankfully, it was still unlocked after our recent activity, as in my haste, I’d forgotten to grab the keys. I reached in blindly, not caring which movie I removed. It didn’t matter which one—what I wanted to show him was on each and every one of them. How could he never have seen it himself? How could he not have recognized it?

  It took me less than a minute to find what I was looking for. I paused the movie, moving forward frame by frame until the perfect example was on screen in beautiful high-definition.

  Stepping to the side, I pointed to the larger-than-life-sized still image of Robert while glaring at the real Robert.

  “There! That’s what you need. You need more than that guy is giving you. That look… that look of wanting, of needing, of longing for something more is on every fucking tape. Every single one, Robert.”

  Robert merely stood, staring at the screen, his Adam’s apple bobbing, signifying his discomfort.

  “And I’ll tell you something else. Not once in the past three months, not once in all the times we fucked, all the times we made love—and you did make love to me, Robert—not once was that look in your eyes,” I yelled at him. I couldn’t help it. I was furious with him for his denial, for his blindness, and most of all, for shattering my dream. “So you can deny it all you fucking want, you can run as hard and fast as you possibly can from the truth, but I know I gave you what none of those guys did. I know you care about me—even if you don’t want to.”

  Robert shifted his gaze to look at me, his expression sad and weary. “Noah, I do care about you. You’ve become my best friend, but love… love and relationships aren’t for me.”

  His words made another fissure rupture open in my chest. I looked down at the front of my shirt, expecting to see blood. Yesterday, I’d have sworn he loved me. Today, for all my bravado, I was sure of nothing. But even if he did love me, I realized, he wouldn’t admit it. He wouldn’t succumb to his feelings the way I had. He wouldn’t step into the fire and risk being burned. In that moment I hated him for his lack of courage to climb out on the limb with me. I hated him for hanging on to old injuries and fears. I hated him for hurting and rejecting me.

  “Love not for you?” I sneered, pain making me vicious. “Hmm, yes, so I’ve just discovered. Well, stud, don’t let me stop you getting your rocks off. From getting your ‘honest, no bullshit, everyone knows where they stand’ needs met. Go back to your anonymous butt buddies at the bathhouse and fuck them as stupid as you did me. Go back to Cutie and let him finish what he started. Maybe fuck his buddy while you’re at it. Can’t have him missing out on one of your mind-blowing orgasms. I’m going to pack.”

  My words should have shamed me. Instead, seeing hurt flare in Robert’s eyes filled me with satisfaction.

  I turned and left the room, banging the door shut behind me.

  I IGNORED the light tapping on the guest bedroom door, and when I heard the handle turn and the soft woosh of it being opened, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

  “Noah?”

  I held myself still, making sure to keep my breaths slow and even.

  “Noah?” he repeated softly, and I could hear his light tread on the carpet as he approached the bed.

  I continued to feign sleep as he quietly dropped to his knees. Upon feeling his warm breath on my cheek, I swallowed, hoping he hadn’t noticed.

  “Baby, please come to bed,” he whispered, placing his fingers in my hair and gently brushing his thumb over my cheek.

  I flinched, perhaps from his touch, but more likely from him calling me his baby.

  “I am in bed,” I whispered back, knowing it was useless to continue to pretend I was asleep. “I’m in the guest room, where I belong.”

  “Noah, please. Baby, please don’t leave this way. Come to bed.” He was upset. I could hear it in his whispered words. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please, come to bed.” He snuck his hand beneath the covers to clasp mine and give it a gentle tug. “Please.”

  Without a word, I sat up and let him lead me to his room. I let him because I felt his pain as if it were my own. I let him bec
ause I needed to be near him for just a little longer. I let him because I was weak. My love for him made me weak.

  He tucked me in, then crawled in behind me and wrapped himself around me. My eyes stung with unshed tears when I felt his lips on the nape of my neck, and I had to squeeze them shut to avoid my emotions getting the better of me and spilling over.

  I lay tense and unresponsive as he moved his hands and mouth over my body, my lips pursed and trembling in an effort to hold my emotions in check. When he rolled me onto my back and pulled back the sheets, I didn’t protest. Nor did I reciprocate.

  He made love to my cock with such tenderness it made it that much harder to hold back the tears threatening to fall. I kept my eyes shut tight and my hands fisting the bedcovers.

  I might have been able to resist my desire to thread my fingers into his silky hair. And I might have been able to stem the emotion seeking release through my eyes, but I couldn’t control the way my dick responded to him. And I couldn’t control my breathing—my sharp, gasping intakes of air. My panting, sighing breaths.

  Just when I thought my climax was about to overrun me, Robert released me from his mouth. I clamped my lips together to hold inside my moan of protest. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—give him that.

  And then he was making quick work of sheathing and lubing my cock before climbing astride me and positioning me at his entrance.

  “Please, Noah. Please fuck me. I need you to fuck me.”

  My dam of resolve broke. His vulnerability blew it apart.

  I signaled my surrender by placing my hands on his hips. With a small yelp, he impaled himself on me in one swift move. We both cried out at its suddenness. At first, I was too shocked to move, but then he began to bounce vigorously up and down on my cock, mewling the whole time. His sounds of pain spurred me into action, and I gripped his hips, forcing him to sit still on my lap.

  “No,” I whispered. “Not like this. I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”

  I let go of him with one hand, reached up to cup the back of his head, and drew him down to me. I kissed him softly, lovingly, swallowing my own agony.